Already going into this chapter, I can see a lot of wolf thoughts in italics and I hate this narrative device so much for some reason. (K: SAAAAAME.) You may remember that the last chapter ended with Jacob refusing a direct order from Sam, the Alpha wolf, and then crumpling on the ground. I believe those of us in the Pick Up Artist community refer to that as a 'beta cuck'.
This is supposed to be this big build up from New Moon for us to finally see what happens when a wolf actually refuses the command of their Alpha but I don't care about... any of this so.
I'd like to point out that the name of this chapter really sums up our journey through this series: "Why didn't I just walk away? Oh right. Because I'm an idiot."
Kirsti: I will solidly take the blame for suggesting that we continue with this trainwreck of a series after finishing book 1. Sorry, ladies. I regret that decision more than I regret any other decision in my life, including the time I thought it would be a good idea to eat three huge helpings of pie and I threw up all over my parents' bathroom.
Kirsti: I will solidly take the blame for suggesting that we continue with this trainwreck of a series after finishing book 1. Sorry, ladies. I regret that decision more than I regret any other decision in my life, including the time I thought it would be a good idea to eat three huge helpings of pie and I threw up all over my parents' bathroom.
The brilliant title of this chapter is, "sure as hell didn't see that one coming." There is a vampire sperm/mystical pregnancy joke in there and this is me making it.
Catherine: Omg. Mari, WHY?!?
Kirsti: -_- Pass the brain bleach, please.
Annie: Nope, sorry. I used it all last chapter.
Catherine: Omg. Mari, WHY?!?
Kirsti: -_- Pass the brain bleach, please.
Annie: Nope, sorry. I used it all last chapter.
Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob's perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.
Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella's perspective is Jacob's perspective.
Annie: See, I'd completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it's still written by SMeyer.
Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella's perspective is Jacob's perspective.
Annie: See, I'd completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it's still written by SMeyer.
Yet another chapter begins with Bella's fake psychic dreams. I'm not gonna recap this one and waste your precious time. Just imagine heavy-handed descriptions about dark “ruby eyes” and another vampire child and you've got the gist of it. Or just read the rest of these recaps and then go back and imagine that Bella had a dream that vaguely predicted the plot of the story for reasons that are never explained and never come up again.
Edward is sticking to his guns and refusing to have sex with Bella again as long as she's human. Which is tricky cuz Bella can't get enough of the sparkle peen and wants it bad.
Marines: Oh my goodness, you mean we are still denying Bella any fulfillment of her sexual desires with a ring on it? Color me shocked.
Kirsti: Whaaaaaaat?? I NEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS TURN OF EVENTS.
Marines: Oh my goodness, you mean we are still denying Bella any fulfillment of her sexual desires with a ring on it? Color me shocked.
Kirsti: Whaaaaaaat?? I NEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS TURN OF EVENTS.
Previously: Jacob got so pissed at Edward for thinking about sexing his wife. — Marines: Stephenie Meyer is terrible at transitions so instead of cutting to their arrival at their honeymoon...
Bella tells us that the wedding flows smoothly into the reception which starts AT TWILIGHT. I see what you did there, SMeyer. You're not even remotely subtle.
Anyway, apparently there are "another ten thousand flowers" outside with the marquee and dance floor, and I really hope that's an exaggeration because that is a fuckton of flowers. If it's not exaggeration, I hope they sent out antihistamines with the invitations...
Marines: There are only like 10 humans there and no one cares about them anyway.
Anyway, apparently there are "another ten thousand flowers" outside with the marquee and dance floor, and I really hope that's an exaggeration because that is a fuckton of flowers. If it's not exaggeration, I hope they sent out antihistamines with the invitations...
Marines: There are only like 10 humans there and no one cares about them anyway.
So, Bella wakes up from another of her dumb psychic nightmares that are never explained and she's immediately pissed at herself for having such a disturbing dream the night before her wedding. Um, okay.
Annie: If I was marrying Edward, I'd be having nightmares, too.
Catherine: Fair.
Annie: If I was marrying Edward, I'd be having nightmares, too.
Catherine: Fair.
We open this chapter with Bella and Edward whinging about having to be apart between 'hot' makeout sessions. Bella tells us how hard it is for her to remember Edward is a vampire. Not because he's so perfect and wonderful, but because he shows such restraint for not ripping her throat out and drinking all her delicious blood until she's dead, dead, dead. (K: Shame.)
Welcome back, dearest of friends. Welcome to the beginning of the end. We hope you made it through the dumpster fire that was 2016 in one piece. I'd say something about starting 2017 off on this terrible foot, but who are we kidding? We are going to laugh ourselves dizzy, and perhaps yell ourselves sad, but... friends and drinks. Welcome indeed.
Once again, it appears that our dear sweet Steph has zero understanding of what an epilogue is. Because once again, this thing is like a million pages long. Except that as a special treat, Bella's not the narrator for the epilogue. No, friends. Instead of little Bell-bell, we're hanging out in Jacob's head.
Fabulous.
Catherine: Of course. Just what we all wanted after this book.
Fabulous.
Catherine: Of course. Just what we all wanted after this book.
Bella has to pull over on her drive home because she's so upset about breaking the heart of the guy who sexually assaulted her and admitted last chapter that he manipulated her with the threat of suicide and purposefully put her in a situation where he HOPED that her boyfriend would beat her up so that she would leave him and he could catch her on the rebound.
I am not as upset, if you can tell.
I am not as upset, if you can tell.
The chapter opens with Bella telling us that the vampires are all so perfect they couldn't possibly ever need or use beauty products so Alice must have filled the bathroom with stuff so Bella can cover up her ugly human face. Great.
Alice brushes Bella's hair (K: Because a child needs both a father AND a mother. Edward can't do it all, you guys) and Bella whines that she wants to go to La Push because she wants to go and sit by Jacob's bedside but Alice tells her she needs to go home so Charlie won't get suspicious. This back and forth goes on for a page and a half. Bella worries about Jacob while Alice insists she goes home to protect the alibi.
Alice brushes Bella's hair (K: Because a child needs both a father AND a mother. Edward can't do it all, you guys) and Bella whines that she wants to go to La Push because she wants to go and sit by Jacob's bedside but Alice tells her she needs to go home so Charlie won't get suspicious. This back and forth goes on for a page and a half. Bella worries about Jacob while Alice insists she goes home to protect the alibi.
The fact that we are still recapping this is no longer a joke. (K: This is the book that doesn't eeeeeeend, it just goes on and on my friiiiiend.)
I briefly forgot where we even are in the story, but it all came rushing back when Bella describes Victoria's headless corpse, which Edward then dismembers. Bella laments that she can't go over to her boyfriend and, I don't know pet him? comfort him? cheer him on? as he dismembers a body. She does watch all of this closely, though, in case somehow dismembering a corpse hurts him.
I briefly forgot where we even are in the story, but it all came rushing back when Bella describes Victoria's headless corpse, which Edward then dismembers. Bella laments that she can't go over to her boyfriend and, I don't know pet him? comfort him? cheer him on? as he dismembers a body. She does watch all of this closely, though, in case somehow dismembering a corpse hurts him.