Sweeney: Christian Grey's MAGICAL birthday continues. I'm drafting this early because the actual post date is too close to my own birthday and I don't intend to celebrate with Christian Grey's butt plug.
Speaking of, someone mentioned last week that Ana's failures now extend to gift giving, as Grey's presents were mostly his own stuff. Good job, Ana!
Lorraine: I was going to make a joke about giving you your own stuff for your birthday, but butt plugs are too close to this joke and I don't want to make it awkward. Maybe I just did.
Last week I started to write Sweeney an email yelling at her for having the luck of getting to cover the super short chapter 19. Sure, we found out that Grey wasn't dead and sure, Ana accepted his proposal, but then the chapter ended and now I'm stuck with the inevitable "let's get married" sex. As it happens, though, I believe next week's chapter- a Sweeney chapter- is the return to the playroom. You'll forgive me for that spoiler because: LOL.
Sweeney: You're the actual worst. I'm glad I began my search for a new BFF in yesterday's GoT post.
Sweeney: You're the actual worst. I'm glad I began my search for a new BFF in yesterday's GoT post.
Sweeney: Ana sits in front of Grey's fireplace emotionless and lost in internal monologue, even though there are at least a dozen people there with her, because Ana can't be bothered to interact with people who aren't Christian, and he has gone missing.
Lorraine: In an early reminder that Ana sucks, is not a real human being, and doesn't know how to interact with human beings, she tells us that she "blinks dispassionately" at Grace and Mia. DISPASSIONATELY. They've just lost a son/brother respectively, but this bitch who has known him for less than two months is so wrapped up in her own damn emotions describes herself as completely unaffected by their emotions.
What a stand-up character you've created, James. Truly.
Lorraine: In an early reminder that Ana sucks, is not a real human being, and doesn't know how to interact with human beings, she tells us that she "blinks dispassionately" at Grace and Mia. DISPASSIONATELY. They've just lost a son/brother respectively, but this bitch who has known him for less than two months is so wrapped up in her own damn emotions describes herself as completely unaffected by their emotions.
What a stand-up character you've created, James. Truly.
Previously: Ana got promoted to editor after a week on the job and EL James tried to make us believe it wasn’t because she’s screwing the boss. OKAY SURE. —...
Previously: Ana nearly gets raped, and Christian Greatest Boyfriend Evaaa Grey blames it on her! Then they have makeup sex in the newly renamed Red Womb of Domestic Violence and...
Previously: Ana sucked at her job and it made her boss angry. Grey sucked at being a human being and it made Ana happy. — Lorraine: When we left Ana,...
Previously: Traumaland learned that a “cat” is a type of whip, and we all got a shared Questionable Google Search of the Day. Grey revealed his big not-secret that he...
Previously: The Ghost of Submissives Past finally got around to being threatening. Ana offered her some tea. No one died. — Lorraine: After Ana returned home drunk, confused and perhaps...
Previously: Ana finally encounters a gun-wielding GSP! We now continue reading to see what disappointing thing happens next. — Sweeney: After that incredibly promising chapter end, it is now sadly time...
Previously: Grey flexes his newly acquired I-own-the-company-you-work-for muscles and keeps Ana from going on a business trip. It’s okay, though, because Grey asked her to move in with him. —...
Sweeney: It’s a weekend bonus! Here are some of the things we left out of Wednesday’s Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 11 vlog. It’s a lot less cohesive, so it’s unlikely...
Previously: It was revealed that Taylor the bodyguard is actually the Red Power Ranger. Also, Ana and Grey play pool. — Sweeney: CRACK THE CHAMPAGNE, Y’ALL — IT’S THE HALFWAY...
Previously: I don’t really remember, but I think we spent forty years in a desert? With Grey making domestic violence jokes and something about boats which don’t belong in deserts...
Previously: The GSP is apparently lurking somewhere inside Grey’s apartment, and still manages to not kill anyone. Ana and Grey flee and stay in a hotel where Ana gets Grey...
Previously: Ana once again demonstrated her terrible sense of priorities by choosing shit-beating over being worshiped. She and Grey attend the most nonsensically elaborate charity ball ever. After, they find...