Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 20 – No Means No. JUST KIDDING.

Lor: What do you mean you don't have time to examine your surroundings? I now know that the upstairs lights are halogens and on a mother freakin' dimmer. Trust me. You've noticed your damn surroundings. Ana compares Grey to a dangerous predator again. I'd say something about this being repetitive, but really, there are only so many nice ways to say, "he's probably going to kill me." Sweeney: Obviously I have only read one chapter of this book, but the first thing I noticed was how murdery the writing sounds. If I knew nothing else about this story, I would automatically think, "Welp, this girl's about to get axe murdered on a creepy boat with bad porno lighting."

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 19 – The Evil Kenevil of Panties

Grey is waking Ana up with soft kisses but napping is better than any kiss, so Ana turns around and tries to keep sleeping. I approve. Grey tells Ana she has to wake up because they have to be at his parent's house for dinner in half an hour. Ana is nervous about meeting Grey's parents, especially because he's just "worked [her] over with a riding crop and tied [her] up using a cable [she] sold him, for heaven's sake." As if the fact that she sold him the cable has any bearing on this. Oh, he tied you up? That's cool. WAIT YOU SOLD HIM THE CABLE?

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 17 – What’s A Pap Smear Go For These Days?

E.L. James likes to end scenes with falling asleep, because it's quick and easy and because she learned all her writing skillz from the second grade. If the last page of this book says "it was all a dream," I QUIT LIFE. We start chapter 17 with -shock- Ana waking up. She was dreaming of a candle flame and she's a moth flying right for the light. She says, "I'm flying too close to the sun," and even though she doesn't mention Icarus, that's like a copy paste from two pages ago. Ana realizes that she's dreaming of hot things because Grey is draped across her and his body is making her hot. I know this is really nuanced writing here, but try to keep up. We're told that Grey's body heat is suffocating Ana. If we've learned anything from all the times her breathing has failed her, though, it's that Ana lives not by oxygen alone. I think she actually breathes gray eyes, abusive relationships and hating Katherine Kavanagh. She proves this by taking a moment out from suffocating to be really happy that Grey spent the night in her bed.

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 16 – All Your Orgasms Are Belong to Me

Ana's waking up and she's all hazy with sleep and sex. Her head is on his chest and she tells us that he smells like fresh laundry and the best smell in the world: Christian. Oh, really? He smells like Christian. Great, amazing. Thank you E.L. James for not actually wanting to do any writing heavy lifting and vague-ing it up so that lonely women every where can insert their own interpretation of what the Christian smell is. I'd personally like to think he smells of mommy issues and desperation. Oh, and a little papery, like the money that makes it all okay. Ana touches his chest and Grey is on her like a hawk, removing her hand. "Don't" he murmurs. Ana whisper-asks why he doesn't like to be touched as she stares into his GRAY! eyes. He replies: Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up.

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 14 – Happy Graduating Wet Submissive Day!

The first few pages of this chapter gave me a really weird, uncomfortable, sex-ed class vibe. See, Ana's having this dream about being tied up to a bed. Grey is above her wielding a leather riding crop, trailing it along her body until he gets to her vagAna. A few flicks of it and Ana's orgasm is waking her up from her dream.
The weird part is that Ana is astounded. She's never had a wet dream before, and by goly, she didn't even know dreaming about sex was possible! I swear to you she thinks, "I didn't know I could dream sex."

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 13 – Hoarders: Ana’s Head Edition

This book is the biggest slight of hand in the history of the world. Forget making an airplane disappear on my TV, or whatever. E.L. James just shat on paper and sold a millionties of books, right before your very eyes.
I'm sorry. I try not to open with so much meanness. I like to disguise my distaste with capslocks and diatribes on the evils of toothbrush sharing. It's just that we open this chapter with Ana forgetting about how uneasy the Sexy Times Contract made her, uh, YESTERDAY and is now worried that Grey won't have her at all. Pout.

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 11 – To Love, Honor, and Flog

I've accused FSoG of being many, many, foul named things, but I do believe I have yet to label it "boring." Because E.L. James took her one woman quest to hit every facet of terrible very seriously, she's decided to interrupt the main action of the "plot" to include THE ENTIRE SEXY TIMES CONTRACT IN CHAPTER 11.
Just the entire damn thing.
I really would've loved to see EL's brainstorming process here.