College. (S: UGH. WHY?) Phoebe is in a class where the professor is talking about some mating rituals, because of course. Because if we're going to see Phoebe in a class, it's obviously going to be a class about mating rituals.
There is this dude with hedgehog hair (S: Now they're just going out of their way to cast men with the worst hair.) in the class who keeps giving Phoebe LOOKS. She returns them and does a little hair flipping. Behind her, some girls start giggling about something and Phoebe asks what's up with her study group having fun with out her.
P^3. Piper is behind the bar chopping up some kind of fruit I can't identify because I only eat cake and potato chips. (M: I'm eating potato chips as I comment. High five!) Phoebe shows up clad in pink fuzz, all excited because she's just enrolled in college. This show doesn't have enough boring side plots, so here's another one. Phoebe needs some help narrowing down which classes to take, but Piper coughs her way out of that boring task. She's been too busy doing things for P^3 to take care of herself, but she thinks the cough is probably nothing, which means it's definitely something really bad. Phoebe starts helping with the fruit cutting and she's as baffled as I am about what that thing is. Piper explains that it's a kiwano melon that she had smuggled in from space South America.
So, I watched this episode like two weeks ago and then promptly laughed at Stephanie because she had the baby episode of Charmed. Shortly after that she was all, "I'm sooooo busy. Maybe you should take the next episode."
That's not exactly what happened but it doesn't matter because: baby episode.
Stephanie: Baby episodes are the worst, but I'm sure there's another episode riddled with dumb gender stereotypes waiting for me and the balance will be restored. Then again, I already covered the episode where Prue became a Bro.
That's not exactly what happened but it doesn't matter because: baby episode.
Stephanie: Baby episodes are the worst, but I'm sure there's another episode riddled with dumb gender stereotypes waiting for me and the balance will be restored. Then again, I already covered the episode where Prue became a Bro.
Here we are again.
Stephanie: What? You're not excited? This one's gonna be good. I know it.
Mari:
The episode starts at some kind of office building. We notice a a Generic Charmed Man leaning against a wall as a couple greet each other and cautiously flirt. (S: They flirt about Y2K and it's incredible.) Generic Charmed Man proclaims them a match, and I know Cupid is going to be in this episode so let's just call him that.
Stephanie: What? You're not excited? This one's gonna be good. I know it.
Mari:
The episode starts at some kind of office building. We notice a a Generic Charmed Man leaning against a wall as a couple greet each other and cautiously flirt. (S: They flirt about Y2K and it's incredible.) Generic Charmed Man proclaims them a match, and I know Cupid is going to be in this episode so let's just call him that.
I can already tell from the title alone that this episode will be stupid. Don't disappoint me Charmed.
Marines: It never has.
Steph: Prue takes a business call while Phoebe eats breakfast and urges her to hurry up so they can attend a Tae Bo class. LOL. Tae Bo.
Prue's cell rings and Phoebe answers. It's work too, with more stressful work stuff. Who cares?
Marines: It never has.
Steph: Prue takes a business call while Phoebe eats breakfast and urges her to hurry up so they can attend a Tae Bo class. LOL. Tae Bo.
Prue's cell rings and Phoebe answers. It's work too, with more stressful work stuff. Who cares?
We start at someplace called Camp Skylark. Prue is staring at a lake and she broods all the way into a flashback of the day Mama Halliwell drowned. We watch her being zipped up into a body bag, while Baby!Prue yells for her mommy. A police officer scoops her up, but then just puts her down within dead-mommy-viewing distance. Thanks a lot, cop. In the present, Prue is still crying and staring at the lake.
Stephanie: I had no idea this was how Mama Halliwell died. Was I supposed to?
Stephanie: I had no idea this was how Mama Halliwell died. Was I supposed to?
We open at a museum with a tour guide describing a legendary book known as the Akashic records, thought to contain an account of all of time’s significant events. Everyone from Hitler, to probably, most likely warlocks has been looking for it. The guide leads his group to a tablet of dead language engravings and explains that anyone who can decipher it will learn the location of the records. As the tour guide speaks, a shifty eyed guy watches another guy who’s examining the tablet and taking notes. Note Guy announces that he’s figured it out and runs off leaving Shifty to look even shiftier. Maybe don’t talk out loud about your deciphering skills near a tablet that no one can decipher?
We start in nature with two guys who clearly want to be bear-mauled. By that I mostly mean that they are in nature and seeking out a particular cave. Their faces are really dirty and I don't know why. I guess they rolled most of the way here? Hesitant Dirty Face thinks the cave looks small for a mine shaft, but Stupid Dirty Face is all, "s'whatever. Let's go in."
Inside the cave/shaft, they quickly come upon "get the hell out of there" things like cob webs, a skeleton and bats. (S: They're like, "Oh hey, look, a skeleton." Totally normal for those to be lying around near cave entrances.) Stupid Dirty Face thinks this is all great and believes the gold they are looking for is in or behind a wall with ominous red markings. He starts chipping at the wall (?) and very soon, smoke pours out of a crack.
Inside the cave/shaft, they quickly come upon "get the hell out of there" things like cob webs, a skeleton and bats. (S: They're like, "Oh hey, look, a skeleton." Totally normal for those to be lying around near cave entrances.) Stupid Dirty Face thinks this is all great and believes the gold they are looking for is in or behind a wall with ominous red markings. He starts chipping at the wall (?) and very soon, smoke pours out of a crack.
It's another night at the hippest place in SF, P^3. There's a heat wave and Phoebe's so hot, she's rubbing ice all over her body and attracting the male patrons. Piper shoos the onlookers off and notes that Phoebe’s burning up. Phoebe says she doesn't feel sick, she feels hot and aroused. Nope. I don't want this episode.
Marines: Meanwhile, after I saw that opening? I did a little NOT MINE! dance.
Marines: Meanwhile, after I saw that opening? I did a little NOT MINE! dance.
We open with a very lame night at P^3. People are leaving because this show is so awful the club is dead.
Prue tells Phoebe that she thinks they are going to have to take up that offer. Phoebe responds, "please tell me about that offer even though we've presumably already talked about it off screen!" Apparently, some guy named Chris Barker has offered them a no-interest loan they can pay back anytime. Prue says they aren't going to tell Piper about it, though, because.
Stephanie: They're at The Bronze, where you have an 85% chance of dying, but it's still preferable to this.
Prue tells Phoebe that she thinks they are going to have to take up that offer. Phoebe responds, "please tell me about that offer even though we've presumably already talked about it off screen!" Apparently, some guy named Chris Barker has offered them a no-interest loan they can pay back anytime. Prue says they aren't going to tell Piper about it, though, because.
Stephanie: They're at The Bronze, where you have an 85% chance of dying, but it's still preferable to this.
We open at Buckland where Prue is appraising a tacky painting of a gothic castle. She points out that the composition is unusual but it’s really not. It’s just a castle sitting in the middle of the canvas and it's definitely a photograph that's been shopped to look painted. The painting belongs to a super nervous woman. She wants to sell it as soon as possible and she doesn’t care how much money they get for it. Her behavior leads me to believe that this is an Evil Painting. The scene ends on an ominous zoom in shot of the painting, so definitely evil.
Phoebe and Piper talk on the phone about how Phoebe crashed Prue’s car into a pole. It looks like Piper is prepping stuff for Wanna-Bronze. I can’t wait.
Phoebe and Piper talk on the phone about how Phoebe crashed Prue’s car into a pole. It looks like Piper is prepping stuff for Wanna-Bronze. I can’t wait.
Guys, I wrote the first twenty minutes of this recap and lost it all because of some combination of the Internet and Wordpress hating me. There was no autosave. It took me so long to recap this crap because of some combination of busy life times and me resenting this episode because I had to watch it again. Did you hear me? I HAVE TO WATCH A PORTION OF AN EPISODE TWICE.
Stephanie: I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a traumatic experience. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.
Stephanie: I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a traumatic experience. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.
When Mari asked me if I’d like to take on another show and told me Supernatural and Charmed were both available, I immediately jumped on this one because I like pain.
Marines: Um, I don't care why you're doing it. HOORAY!
Steph: Come along, friends, as we enter another season of utter nonsense.
Marines: Um, I don't care why you're doing it. HOORAY!
Steph: Come along, friends, as we enter another season of utter nonsense.
The Evil Internal Affairs Officer we're supposed to suddenly care about in the season finale is going through pictures of the Halliwell sisters. Every time he flips to another picture the music goes DUN. Sparks fly out of his fireplace and materialize into a hooded figure. Evil IA drops to a knee and greets "Tempus." There was a bad guy on Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman named Tempus. I'd rather be watching that.
Tempus tells Evil IA that he was sent as a gift, as he dramatically removes his hood. Evil IA says he doesn't need help defeating the Charmed Ones. Tempus is all, "PFFT," on account of how the girls have defeated so many bad guys this season with their spectacular squinting, reciting, rushing around and dumb luck.
Tempus tells Evil IA that he was sent as a gift, as he dramatically removes his hood. Evil IA says he doesn't need help defeating the Charmed Ones. Tempus is all, "PFFT," on account of how the girls have defeated so many bad guys this season with their spectacular squinting, reciting, rushing around and dumb luck.
Are we done with season 1 yet? Almost? Cool.
Somewhere in San Fran, a woman is clutching a paper bag and walking nervously to her car. Once she gets there, she drops the bag and cuts her hand on a broken bottle. A hand on her shoulder makes her jump, but she's relieved when she sees that it's Leo. I guess she didn't first hear his TINKLE TINKLE TINKLE Whitelighter sound effects. Leo tells Daisy to stay strong for a little longer, until she's safe. Daisy is worried about a certain "he" with lots of scary powers. Leo heals her hand and she's shocked by it. He tells her she's got a special future and he brought her to San Francisco because he's got powerful friends who can help her. Also, the Charmed Ones are here. (He probably meant them, but whatevs.)
Somewhere in San Fran, a woman is clutching a paper bag and walking nervously to her car. Once she gets there, she drops the bag and cuts her hand on a broken bottle. A hand on her shoulder makes her jump, but she's relieved when she sees that it's Leo. I guess she didn't first hear his TINKLE TINKLE TINKLE Whitelighter sound effects. Leo tells Daisy to stay strong for a little longer, until she's safe. Daisy is worried about a certain "he" with lots of scary powers. Leo heals her hand and she's shocked by it. He tells her she's got a special future and he brought her to San Francisco because he's got powerful friends who can help her. Also, the Charmed Ones are here. (He probably meant them, but whatevs.)