I'm so scared.
Democracy Diva: Me too.
Mari: Camp Liar, Liar, Heir on Fire. Icicles are melting and Melisandre looks super pleased with herself. She goes into Stannis's tent to continue being pleased with herself and the Lord of Light. She says that Stannis will for sure capture Winterfell because the Lord of Light has shown her Bolton banners burning. Melisandre is trying to be affectionate with Stannis but I guess he's a little bit bummed about setting his daughter on fire, or something. He leaves her, bumping her in the face as he goes.
Diva: It's snowing furiously over a camp. Zoom in on Melisandre, who looks a lot more frightened than her usual DGAF demon-birthing self. Suddenly tents start bursting into flames, many different ones at once. The camp explodes into chaos, and there's a screaming horse on fire, just in case you weren't absolutely sure you were watching Game of Thrones.
Marines: It's too cold for boobs, I guess, so dying horse it is.
We start in Meereen. Dany is in her magically white dress, on her throne, looking down on Jorah and Tyrion in icy silence. Jorah breaks the silence, but Dany promptly tells him to shut up. She asks how she's supposed to know Tyrion is who he says he is and why she shouldn't kill him if he is. Tyrion says that if she wants revenge on the Lannisters, he's a a pro at killing them.
I don't have the emotional wherewithal to recap the previouslies, so let's just dive right in.
It's snowing at The Wall, because DUH, and some of the Night's Watch usher Tormund Giantsbane Ginger NotMance - to Lord Commander Snow. Ginger's chains are removed, and he makes a bit of a "come at me, bro" gesture at Ser Alliser Bitchface Thorne, which I dig. Apparently Ser Alliser Bitchface is the First Ranger, and Jon gives him command of Castle Black, which seems like a non-awesome idea. Ser Alliser is like, this mission to rescue wildlings who we were like FIVE MINUTES AGO trying to murder us is dumb as fuck.
It's snowing at The Wall, because DUH, and some of the Night's Watch usher Tormund Giantsbane Ginger NotMance - to Lord Commander Snow. Ginger's chains are removed, and he makes a bit of a "come at me, bro" gesture at Ser Alliser Bitchface Thorne, which I dig. Apparently Ser Alliser Bitchface is the First Ranger, and Jon gives him command of Castle Black, which seems like a non-awesome idea. Ser Alliser is like, this mission to rescue wildlings who we were like FIVE MINUTES AGO trying to murder us is dumb as fuck.
Hogwarts for Assassins. We start with Arya washing a dead body very slowly and methodically. When she's all done, two men appear to carry the body away. She stares after them, curious about what the heck is happening with these bodies. She walks closer to the door through which they left, but Nameless Cunt appears and shuts that down. Arya wants to know what happens to the bodies but NC tells her to get back to work.
Democracy Diva: Isn't it weird that these bodies are mostly old people, when the average life expectancy in this universe is like an hour and a half?
Democracy Diva: Isn't it weird that these bodies are mostly old people, when the average life expectancy in this universe is like an hour and a half?
The last scene of the previouslies is the massacre from last episode, so I hope everyone is ready for happy fun times. The credits take us to King's Landing, Bolton-Winterfell, The Wall, Braavos, Meereen and Dorne.
Post-credits, we see Grey Worm on a sick bed as Missandei watches over him and cries. Out near her throne in the Pyramid of Power, Danaerys and Daario stand over Barristan Selmy's slain body. I had a feeling one would die and one would survive. And then the reasonable part of my brain went, "both of them will die; this is Game of Thrones." (S: That was my reaction so Grey Worm being alive was a pleasant surprise? This show.)
Post-credits, we see Grey Worm on a sick bed as Missandei watches over him and cries. Out near her throne in the Pyramid of Power, Danaerys and Daario stand over Barristan Selmy's slain body. I had a feeling one would die and one would survive. And then the reasonable part of my brain went, "both of them will die; this is Game of Thrones." (S: That was my reaction so Grey Worm being alive was a pleasant surprise? This show.)
The previouslies take us all the way back to Season 1, with King Robert asking Ned why he had to bury his sister/Robert's betrothed Lyanna in Winterfell and placing a feather in Lyanna's statue's hands. We see Littlefinger telling Sansa about her worst marriage prospect yet (M: We remember this part, show.) (S: But would it really be Game of Thrones without a little twisting of the knife?), the Margaery vs. Cersei battle for Tommen's affections, Loras being gay and beautiful (M: We remember this part for sure.), Cersei teaming up with the High Sparrow, Ellaria Sand trying to convince the Dornish Prince Doran to avenge his brother Oberyn, the Sons of the Harpy murdering everyone in Meereen, and oh yeah, Ser Jorah kidnapped Tyrion and is taking him to "the queen." Ah, but which queen?
Lying Liar Credits take us through King's Landing, Moat Cailin, Winterfell, The Wall, Braavos, and Meereen. This is my obligatory seasonal acknowledgement that there's probably not a lot of lying going on here, but that I will never really trust again, even though I no longer even remember the origins of my bad blood with the Lying Liar Credits.
Democracy Diva: We are as stubborn a group of grudge-holders as the old Houses of Westeros. Our rivalries are so old, we don't even know why or how they started, BUT WE'RE STILL PISSED.
Democracy Diva: We are as stubborn a group of grudge-holders as the old Houses of Westeros. Our rivalries are so old, we don't even know why or how they started, BUT WE'RE STILL PISSED.
After an intense amount of previouslies, the lying liar credits take us to King's Landing, The Eyrie, Winterfell Now With Added Bolton, The Wall, Braavos, and Meereen.
For every single person who shouted, "WHERE IS ARYA??" last episode, we start with Arya. (S: "SHIT, WE HEAR YOU," the show said.) She's still on that boat, but now approaching her destination: Braavos. She's eying the Titan of Braavos kind of suspiciously, which is rather fair when you consider that you have to sail under its crotch. Ternesio Terys (totally looked that name up)(he's the guy that agreed to sail Arya to Braavos)
For every single person who shouted, "WHERE IS ARYA??" last episode, we start with Arya. (S: "SHIT, WE HEAR YOU," the show said.) She's still on that boat, but now approaching her destination: Braavos. She's eying the Titan of Braavos kind of suspiciously, which is rather fair when you consider that you have to sail under its crotch. Ternesio Terys (totally looked that name up)(he's the guy that agreed to sail Arya to Braavos)
Everything is usually so shiny and bright when a new season starts! I'll admit that I'm more hesitant than normal this time 'round because season four started off on such a prolonged, sour note. However, I still got pretty damn giddy when the credits music started. Here we are again, friends! Ready or not.
Democracy Diva: READY. So ready. I may have been running around my apartment singing the GoT theme song to myself in preparation. Also, hi, Traumateers! I'm so excited to be joining the GoT recaps.
Democracy Diva: READY. So ready. I may have been running around my apartment singing the GoT theme song to myself in preparation. Also, hi, Traumateers! I'm so excited to be joining the GoT recaps.