Everything is usually so shiny and bright when a new season starts! I'll admit that I'm more hesitant than normal this time 'round because season four started off on such a prolonged, sour note. However, I still got pretty damn giddy when the credits music started. Here we are again, friends! Ready or not.
Democracy Diva: READY. So ready. I may have been running around my apartment singing the GoT theme song to myself in preparation. Also, hi, Traumateers! I'm so excited to be joining the GoT recaps.
Final magical/lying credits of the season take us through King's Landing, Moat Cailin, WinterfellFOREVERonfire, The Wall, across The Narrow Sea to a scary game of Mouse Trap Braavos, and finally Meereen.
We resume where we last left Jon Snow, heading north of the wall, swordless, to kill Mance. There's a lot of weird shaky cam which made me think direwolf cam but no, it's just Wildling cam. Jon surrenders immediately, explaining to Mance that he's been sent to negotiate with him.
Lorraine: I thought Jon's plan involved some amount of being sneaky. It makes sense that he left his sword, now, since his entire plan was just walking right up to the people who were trying to kill him.
We resume where we last left Jon Snow, heading north of the wall, swordless, to kill Mance. There's a lot of weird shaky cam which made me think direwolf cam but no, it's just Wildling cam. Jon surrenders immediately, explaining to Mance that he's been sent to negotiate with him.
Lorraine: I thought Jon's plan involved some amount of being sneaky. It makes sense that he left his sword, now, since his entire plan was just walking right up to the people who were trying to kill him.
Fair warning: I think this is one of the weaker episodes of the series. What can you expect when they keep us at the Wall? THE WHOLE TIME? No amount of Jon Snow's shiny hair can salvage that.
Sweeney: I thought this would be a pretty universal opinion but I saw people on Twitter gushing about it. We've assembled a crowd that shares our love of the character-driven elements of the story so I don't think our opinion will be unpopular here, but it's weird. To that end, if you're the sort of person who digs military history and battle names and that kind of thing, then maybe this episode was your jam. For the rest of us...not so much.
Lor: We start with a sweeping view of Castle Black.
Sweeney: I thought this would be a pretty universal opinion but I saw people on Twitter gushing about it. We've assembled a crowd that shares our love of the character-driven elements of the story so I don't think our opinion will be unpopular here, but it's weird. To that end, if you're the sort of person who digs military history and battle names and that kind of thing, then maybe this episode was your jam. For the rest of us...not so much.
Lor: We start with a sweeping view of Castle Black.
For reasons I cannot articulate, the will to write this recap has evaded me this week. That's my way of saying, "I'm sorry this is late and I have zero good excuses prepped for why it's so late."
Lorraine: I disagree, dearest friend. The reason The Mountain and the Viper is late is because it's The Mountain and The Viper. There. Done.
Sweeney: I stand corrected.
My old nemesis, the lying liar credits, kick us off: King's Landing. Moat Cailin! That's new, yeah? Sadly, it's because Ramsay is in this episode, but we'll concentrate on WOO NEW PLACE! for now.
Lorraine: I disagree, dearest friend. The reason The Mountain and the Viper is late is because it's The Mountain and The Viper. There. Done.
Sweeney: I stand corrected.
My old nemesis, the lying liar credits, kick us off: King's Landing. Moat Cailin! That's new, yeah? Sadly, it's because Ramsay is in this episode, but we'll concentrate on WOO NEW PLACE! for now.
Jaime is pissed now that the sweet deal he set up with his father, in which Tyrion spent the rest of his days at the Wall, has crumbled. Tyrion doesn't see why he should be grateful about being exiled to a perpetual snowpocalypse for a crime he didn't even commit. (S: PLUS, WHITE WALKERS. Fuck that.) Jaime snaps that this isn't a joke. Tyrion says it is, it just isn't very funny. I think we've all felt like life's walking punchline a time or two. I mean, probably we weren't on trial for murder, but the sentiment is universal.
The whole internet seems to be making Law & Order jokes about this episode and I'm going to try super hard to not be one of them but also I'll probably fail.
The previouslies remind us of the enemies that Tyrion made while being the best member of his family and basically Westeros. Also the part where Varys told Tyrion he was the best forever. Also a reminder of Theon's torture, as if we could ever, ever forget that shit.
Liar liar credits on fire: King's Landing, Dreadfort, Winterfellstillonfire, The Wall, BRAAVOS! all shiny and new, complete with an animated soldier man guarding the city, and finally, to Meereen.
The previouslies remind us of the enemies that Tyrion made while being the best member of his family and basically Westeros. Also the part where Varys told Tyrion he was the best forever. Also a reminder of Theon's torture, as if we could ever, ever forget that shit.
Liar liar credits on fire: King's Landing, Dreadfort, Winterfellstillonfire, The Wall, BRAAVOS! all shiny and new, complete with an animated soldier man guarding the city, and finally, to Meereen.
We start at Tommen's coronation, where the (I'm assuming) High Septon calls the crown a heavy burden. He means it in a "ruling the Seven Kingdoms" way, but since the last handful of kings were all murdered, I'd say that shit is the worst kind of burden. Little Tommen needs all the prayers and blessings he can get. We pan a bit around the room, and focus for a while on DaddyUncle Jaime, standing just in back of the throne. The Probably High Septon finishes the ceremony, earns himself a Gold Star by calling Tommen the first of his name, places the crown on Tom's head and proclaims, "long may he reign!" We hear and see Cersei and Tywin repeat those words, with the crowd, and I'm struck by Charles Dance's smooth, velvety voice.
There is lots of cheering and celebration for the baby king.
There is lots of cheering and celebration for the baby king.
The credits on fire take us through Kings' Landing, Dragonstone, the dreaded Dreadfort, Winterfell, The Wall, and finally forever away to Meereen.
We start the episode with Missandei teaching Grey Worm to read and speak in the Common Tongue. He asks about her background and she tells him she was kidnapped when she was five years old. Her memories are vague, but she does remember her village burning. If her village was anything like Winterfell, it was probably on fire forever, so I guess that's the kind of thing you'd remember. (S: FOREVER AND EVER.) Missandei in turn asks Grey Worm if he remembers his original home. He says there is nothing before the Unsullied. She says that's BS and maybe one day he will return to the Summer Isles. Grey Worm doesn't want to return. He wants to kill all the masters.
We start the episode with Missandei teaching Grey Worm to read and speak in the Common Tongue. He asks about her background and she tells him she was kidnapped when she was five years old. Her memories are vague, but she does remember her village burning. If her village was anything like Winterfell, it was probably on fire forever, so I guess that's the kind of thing you'd remember. (S: FOREVER AND EVER.) Missandei in turn asks Grey Worm if he remembers his original home. He says there is nothing before the Unsullied. She says that's BS and maybe one day he will return to the Summer Isles. Grey Worm doesn't want to return. He wants to kill all the masters.
Episode begins with the credits and Winterfell's eternal fire. Because this show just wants to taunt us and destroy us and so they give us these credits and also, you know, this episode. This fucking episode.
Lorraine: I think that's a good thing to get out of the way early. Welcome to our recap for episode 3; THIS FUCKING EPISODE.
Sweeney: This Fucking Episode begins where the last one left off. Joffrey's corpse, bloody and blue. Cersei screaming for Tyrion to be taken and demanding to know where Sansa is. Tywin orders the gates to the city barred and every ship in the harbor seized. Too bad for you, assholes, Dantos is successfully getting her the hell out of there. About damn time, really.
Lorraine: I think that's a good thing to get out of the way early. Welcome to our recap for episode 3; THIS FUCKING EPISODE.
Sweeney: This Fucking Episode begins where the last one left off. Joffrey's corpse, bloody and blue. Cersei screaming for Tyrion to be taken and demanding to know where Sansa is. Tywin orders the gates to the city barred and every ship in the harbor seized. Too bad for you, assholes, Dantos is successfully getting her the hell out of there. About damn time, really.
Lying lying credits on fire and Winterfell’s inexplicable forever smoke kick us off.
After, people are running through the woods. At first I thought a playful thing was happening, and then I realized that Ramsay Snow, the only character more sick and twisted than the Little Shit King, is among this frolicking party. Then I realized that the lead runner is a girl in a pretty white virginal dress, screaming and crying because Ramsay and a woman I don’t recall seeing are hunting her, Most Dangerous Game style, with Theon behind them.
After, people are running through the woods. At first I thought a playful thing was happening, and then I realized that Ramsay Snow, the only character more sick and twisted than the Little Shit King, is among this frolicking party. Then I realized that the lead runner is a girl in a pretty white virginal dress, screaming and crying because Ramsay and a woman I don’t recall seeing are hunting her, Most Dangerous Game style, with Theon behind them.
I both cannot believe it's been a year and feel like I've been waiting for this forever. Welcome back, dear friends and comrades in misery! It's time for Game of Thrones, season four.
We open with an extended previously sequence that is much better than what I was able to come up with at the start of this post, but does boil down to a lot of death and bad luck. I mean, I counted: they showed us 8 outright deaths plus the Unsullied attacking a whole bunch of people. The last thing we see is the bloodied sword used to chop Ned Stark's head off. It is because of these previouslies that I realize that Ned was beheaded by his own sword. It's like retroactive trauma. NO SERIOUSLY. WELCOME BACK!
Sweeney: I don't think I could handle watching this show without you guys. I need this weekly therapy session to process all my emotions.
We open with an extended previously sequence that is much better than what I was able to come up with at the start of this post, but does boil down to a lot of death and bad luck. I mean, I counted: they showed us 8 outright deaths plus the Unsullied attacking a whole bunch of people. The last thing we see is the bloodied sword used to chop Ned Stark's head off. It is because of these previouslies that I realize that Ned was beheaded by his own sword. It's like retroactive trauma. NO SERIOUSLY. WELCOME BACK!
Sweeney: I don't think I could handle watching this show without you guys. I need this weekly therapy session to process all my emotions.
THIS IS IT, YOU GUYS. Finale time. The final lying liar credits take us to King's Landing, Dragonstone, FUCKTHETWINS, Winterfellstillonfireallfuckingseason, The Wall, and past the Gulf of Grief to Yunkai.
We begin the episode with my current least favorite person, Roose Bolton, looking down on the epic torching and slaughter of the remaining Stark bannermen. The Hound is riding off with Arya, who tragically comes to just in time to see her brother being paraded through the streets, headless, with his direwolf's head staked to his body, as everyone chants, "The king of the north!" The look on her face is just too much.
We begin the episode with my current least favorite person, Roose Bolton, looking down on the epic torching and slaughter of the remaining Stark bannermen. The Hound is riding off with Arya, who tragically comes to just in time to see her brother being paraded through the streets, headless, with his direwolf's head staked to his body, as everyone chants, "The king of the north!" The look on her face is just too much.
Regardless of what you were when you first watched this episode (book reader, spoiled show watcher, or unspoiled show watcher), I think we all sat down to this episode with the anxiety only the best content can create. It's episode 9, friends, also known as the episode that brought us the beheading of Ned Stark, the Battle of the Blackwater and now this.
Sweeney: I told Lor this already, but in our on-going game of, "Haha, see what shit the other can get stuck with!" -- usually played out on Fifty Shades, and occasionally Buffy -- this was probably the worst draw yet.
Sweeney: I told Lor this already, but in our on-going game of, "Haha, see what shit the other can get stuck with!" -- usually played out on Fifty Shades, and occasionally Buffy -- this was probably the worst draw yet.
The lying liar title credits give us King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfellstillonfire, The Wall, and Yunkai.
We start with our favorite direboss waking up and deciding to smash a sleeping Hound’s head in with a large stone. He tells her that if she fails to kill him, he’ll break both of her hands. Later, they’re riding on a horse, and he’s trying to insist that men far worse than him would have found her. When he mentions that he’s saved her sister, Arya’s interest piques, as does my feels, with this additional mention of how long the Starks have been separated and HOW THEY’LL NEVER HAVE A COMPLETE REUNION. But! The Hound has decided to facilitate that because Robb and Cat will probs pay him for her safe return.
We start with our favorite direboss waking up and deciding to smash a sleeping Hound’s head in with a large stone. He tells her that if she fails to kill him, he’ll break both of her hands. Later, they’re riding on a horse, and he’s trying to insist that men far worse than him would have found her. When he mentions that he’s saved her sister, Arya’s interest piques, as does my feels, with this additional mention of how long the Starks have been separated and HOW THEY’LL NEVER HAVE A COMPLETE REUNION. But! The Hound has decided to facilitate that because Robb and Cat will probs pay him for her safe return.
I gloated during my last episode about how I always get the fun credits. I should've learned from Buffy villains and kept the gloating to a minimum: King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Ring of Fire Winterfell, The Wall, and across the Shivering Sea toYunkai.
Jon Snow and his ice-wall-climbing pack of Wildlings are walking along on the green side of the Wall. Which is confusing, because his time spent training at the wall was always very snowy and miserable. Also, there are a lot more Wildlings than I initially thought there were. They only showed us Ginger NotMance (Tormund Giantsbane), Wildling Warg, Ygritte and Jon. But, okay. There's a whole pack of them.
Jon Snow and his ice-wall-climbing pack of Wildlings are walking along on the green side of the Wall. Which is confusing, because his time spent training at the wall was always very snowy and miserable. Also, there are a lot more Wildlings than I initially thought there were. They only showed us Ginger NotMance (Tormund Giantsbane), Wildling Warg, Ygritte and Jon. But, okay. There's a whole pack of them.