The sometimes-useful-for-Lor-but-always-an-evil-lying-liar-to-me-credits show us King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Still-Depressingly-On-Fire-Winterfell, The Wall, and Yunkai. You can assume that the honesty of the credits is directly related to the Snark Lady doing the week's recap.
Samwell is attempting to light a fire for Gilly, but she's all LOL, you don't know what you're doing and I do. I give no shits about either of them and they have nothing to really talk about, especially once Gilly realizes that Sam's lack of ability to do much of anything is the product of his being highborn. He tries to impress her with that knife he found forever ago.
I think the credits like me better than Sweeney. I get a new place today! Off we go to King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfell on Fire, The Wall, and Yunkai!
Sweeney: OH. COOL. -_-
Lor: We start at the Brotherhood Without Banners and they are praying to the Lord of Light, to give them wisdom and to let The Hound die if he's guilty, "for the night is dark and full of terrors." I feel really bad stereotyping an entire group of fictional characters based solely on their religion, but maybe now that they've all chanted "the night is dark" thing, I can stereotype them based on their motto? No? I'M SORRY. They are just creeping me out now.
Sweeney: OH. COOL. -_-
Lor: We start at the Brotherhood Without Banners and they are praying to the Lord of Light, to give them wisdom and to let The Hound die if he's guilty, "for the night is dark and full of terrors." I feel really bad stereotyping an entire group of fictional characters based solely on their religion, but maybe now that they've all chanted "the night is dark" thing, I can stereotype them based on their motto? No? I'M SORRY. They are just creeping me out now.
Shit got so real last time that I'm even willing to tell you all the stuff from the opening credits, even though I'm still not on good terms with them. King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfell (STILL ON FUCKING FIRE), The Wall, Astapor. I pay attention and you gave me nothing new! You did inform me that Natalie Dormer, granddaughter FLOWERBOSS is in this episode, so I'm pumped. I'd also add that we no longer cross at The Narrow Sea, rather, The Shivering Sea. And Astapor is just off The Gulf of Grief. Those sound like the worst bodies of water ever.
Lorraine: See?? Even when the credits have nothing new to tell us, there is always something new to note, because seriously, who the hell would live just off the Gulf of Grief?
Lorraine: See?? Even when the credits have nothing new to tell us, there is always something new to note, because seriously, who the hell would live just off the Gulf of Grief?
Lorraine: Just when we seem to give up on the credits, it adds a shiny, new location to the map so we forgive it for being an occasional liar. I feel like this is an abusive relationship, Credits, but I don't know how to quit you. Today: King's Landing, Harrenhal, (new location) Riverrun, Winterfell on Fire, The Wall and Astapor.
Sweeney: I'm glad you got the episode where the credits tried to make nice again, because I don't think I'm ready to forgive just yet.
Lor: Fair. Lady Catelyn's father's dead body is pushed off into the sea for a Viking-type funeral as she stands solemnly by with the rest of those in mourning.
Sweeney: I'm glad you got the episode where the credits tried to make nice again, because I don't think I'm ready to forgive just yet.
Lor: Fair. Lady Catelyn's father's dead body is pushed off into the sea for a Viking-type funeral as she stands solemnly by with the rest of those in mourning.
Sweeney: Nothing new to report from the title credits. Winterfell is still on fire, and we're still upset about it. Astapor, home of Baby Fun Dip is still on the map. You know what is new this time? BRAN'S BACK. We begin the episode in what must be his dream, because he's running. Also, this kid is growing crazy fast. Don't child actors realize that they need to slow that shit down?
Related: I also suspect that allowing our youngest actors to grow up might be something of an added perk for the writers in dragging out the third book across two seasons. Again, haven't read them, but I can imagine that the age of the actors becoming an issue at some point.
Related: I also suspect that allowing our youngest actors to grow up might be something of an added perk for the writers in dragging out the third book across two seasons. Again, haven't read them, but I can imagine that the age of the actors becoming an issue at some point.
Lorraine: I was expecting the credits to roll first, but we get a pre-credits teaser today! Against a black screen we hear some war sounds -metal clanging, screaming and general death-sounds. We stylistically fade into the white misery of north of the wall where Samwell is running through the snow with all the speed and grace of someone who is about to get eaten very soon.
Sweeney: I was totally surprised to find him still alive! I assumed he was dead after that finale. I can't say that I care all that much that either way, but it was unexpected.
Sweeney: I was totally surprised to find him still alive! I assumed he was dead after that finale. I can't say that I care all that much that either way, but it was unexpected.
Sweeney: The credits thing was a great ruse. We got new places as places were added, and then shit stayed the same, so I'm done acknowledging this. After the epic-but-not-revealing credits, we see an eyeball waking up and faint sounds of battle noises. This is Tyrion and his first sight is Pycelle, who you will recall is no great fan of Tyrion's, having be imprisoned by him. Pycelle fills Tyrion in on the fact that Tywin gets full credit for the victory and now Tyrion isn't hand of the king. He tosses a coin at Tyrion, a reminder of when Tyrion burst in on him.
Lorraine: Here's to hoping Tyrion takes all those ungrateful little shits down.
Lorraine: Here's to hoping Tyrion takes all those ungrateful little shits down.
Two things before we start: (1) The last few episodes have been stressing me out big time. (2) I'M SO EXCITED.
I know these seem like contradicting emotions and they pretty much are, because it's hard being me. But mostly, I'm stressed out for the finale and wars and people dying and shit, but excited because these posts have become a countdown for me and I can't wait to start watching/posting real time. I bet you guys are going to be the best TV watching buddies ever.
Sweeney: We blog because we want TV watching buddies.
Lor: Obviously.
Nothing new to report in the opening credits as we will be in or around King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and Qarth.
Sweeney: We blog because we want TV watching buddies.
Lor: Obviously.
Nothing new to report in the opening credits as we will be in or around King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and Qarth.
Sweeney: After the zoomy camera lied to us yesterday, I trust nothing, but there's a chance we'll be visiting King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and/or Qarth. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE.
Lorraine: Watching TV is hard.
Sweeney: So many struggles.
We're starting in Winterfell, where a bunch of ravens are being killed and Theon opens the gates for riders approaching, letting in Yara, who is not accompanied by the 500 men he asked for. Inside, she takes over with the gaggle of men she did bring. They eat and she mocks him for being a douche, proclaiming himself a warrior for defeating a cripple and a six-year-old.
Lorraine: Watching TV is hard.
Sweeney: So many struggles.
We're starting in Winterfell, where a bunch of ravens are being killed and Theon opens the gates for riders approaching, letting in Yara, who is not accompanied by the 500 men he asked for. Inside, she takes over with the gaggle of men she did bring. They eat and she mocks him for being a douche, proclaiming himself a warrior for defeating a cripple and a six-year-old.
Lorraine: We may or may not be visiting King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and Qarth. Please do not blame me for any opening credit misrepresentation.
Sweeney: The opening credits do what they want. Kind of like us.
Lor: Theon EWWWW Greyjoy rolls over to find he's alone in bed. We cut to some time later, outside of the castle where we see the guard Osha killed splayed out on the floor. Theon is reprimanding one of his men for letting the cripple boy (Bran Stark) escape. The man suggests that "the giant" took Bran, and Theon thinks this is even worse, as he let a half-wit escape with a cripple. They establish that Rickon is also missing, as well as Osha, who Theon was fucking, the man knowingly points out.
Sweeney: The opening credits do what they want. Kind of like us.
Lor: Theon EWWWW Greyjoy rolls over to find he's alone in bed. We cut to some time later, outside of the castle where we see the guard Osha killed splayed out on the floor. Theon is reprimanding one of his men for letting the cripple boy (Bran Stark) escape. The man suggests that "the giant" took Bran, and Theon thinks this is even worse, as he let a half-wit escape with a cripple. They establish that Rickon is also missing, as well as Osha, who Theon was fucking, the man knowingly points out.
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