Anyway, this season felt so long that by the time we'd reached the end, I'd forgotten almost every plot point from the early episodes. Remember how Eve gave Dawson a blowjob that caused him to crash Mitch's boat and Pacey threw a stripper party to raise money to repair it? (D: Barely.) Yeah. That was THIS SEASON. It feels like the show has morphed completely since then.
Just a couple disclaimers for anyone who doesn't read the comments: I have been looking forward approximately forever for Willa Holland, because Thea Queen, and was so excited to get to her episodes that I kinda sorta wanted her to destroy the core four's world. THAT SHE DID MY FRIENDS. So I may be just a bit biased on rooting for Kaitlin's terrible decisions. Second - because she is not /technically/ part of the main cast yet, I'm totally calling her Young Thea.
It's been a long time coming, friends, but WE FINALLY FINISHED ANOTHER SEASON. Cue Snark Lady dance party:
Democracy Diva: YAAAS WE DID IT, LET'S DANCE WITH PACEY UNTIL HE KEELS OVER!
K: What, like you're all surprised it features Pacey Witter? Please.
Dance party over, let's get down to business! On the main street in Capeside, Mitch and Gail get smoochy while Mitch thoughtfully informs us that Joey is Gail's maid of honour. This...makes literally no sense, but also I'm distracted by how hideous Joey's shoes are.
Democracy Diva: YAAAS WE DID IT, LET'S DANCE WITH PACEY UNTIL HE KEELS OVER!
K: What, like you're all surprised it features Pacey Witter? Please.
Dance party over, let's get down to business! On the main street in Capeside, Mitch and Gail get smoochy while Mitch thoughtfully informs us that Joey is Gail's maid of honour. This...makes literally no sense, but also I'm distracted by how hideous Joey's shoes are.
We open with a preppy blonde cheerleader uttering the words "She's such a slut," so that we can get our misogyny shots out of the way early. The jock next to her at the lunch table says he's "pro-slut" (SHOTS!) and asks for further details. She provides them, then stops as the girl in question approaches the table and goes to sit in her usual spot. But LOL NOPE, society is the worst and all her friends fake-cough "SLUT!" at her until she storms off to sit at another table.
Marines: She can't see it now, but it's a better table, far from slut-shamers and almost equally as bad, people who would ever fake cough a word.
Marines: She can't see it now, but it's a better table, far from slut-shamers and almost equally as bad, people who would ever fake cough a word.
Prue is at the most 90's photoshoot ever (one of the posing dudes is wearing a metallic shirt), showing off her portfolio to an art director (?). He's impressed with her work even though she probably threw the whole thing together over the weekend. It's not enough to get her a job, though, because her resume shows she's an evil job switcher. Prue asks if she can have a shot anyway and the AD agrees to give her the job if she can get a photo of Amy Adams Maggie Murphy, an unlucky Irish woman (Haha! the irony!) who used to do good things until she got unlucky. He wants an artistic photo of Maggie's inner soul by 5 PM.
The Doctor and Martha furiously work the controls of the TARDIS, then the Doctor compliments himself on a perfect landing. Martha excitedly wants to know where they are, and the Doctor replies "The end of the line..." She clearly doesn't hear him, and rushes out the door excitedly. Her face falls when she realises that she's standing in her living room. The Doctor informs her that it's the morning after they left on their trip, and she's only been gone about 12 hours in real time.
Marines: So, basically he gets the landing and timing exactly right when he's trying to dump someone? Cool.
Marines: So, basically he gets the landing and timing exactly right when he's trying to dump someone? Cool.
We open on a class of students diligently at work at Rosewood High School. Just kidding! Emily is walking around the halls with her mom, who's talking about Skype conferences with teachers while she was in Texas.
Marines: I like that the show feels it necessary to try and fill in the gap of why Emily basically doesn't have parents. Cute, show. Like we care.
J: That's more effort than they've put into a lot of plot lines in this show. Maybe they hired some vaguely responsible-feeling writer late in the game? (M: Ha.)
Marines: I like that the show feels it necessary to try and fill in the gap of why Emily basically doesn't have parents. Cute, show. Like we care.
J: That's more effort than they've put into a lot of plot lines in this show. Maybe they hired some vaguely responsible-feeling writer late in the game? (M: Ha.)
Sioux City, Iowa. Also known as the place where I first paid for accommodation on my own and freaked out that the Motel 6 was going to be all "Get out, child". But no. Anysegue, it's Iowa Celebrates Magic Week, and there are people on the street doing tricks with cards and doves and whatnot. At a bar, an old guy shows off his card tricks to the bartender AND OH MY GOD I'VE SEEN THIS EPISODE LIKE FIVE TIMES AND I JUST REALISED IT'S THE GUY WHO PLAYED BRAD IN ROCKY HORROR.
The bartender's impressed, but another magician - this one wearing a cape that I'm pretty sure he borrowed from Fake Dracula - pooh poohs his tricks and gives away the secret and is generally a dick.
The bartender's impressed, but another magician - this one wearing a cape that I'm pretty sure he borrowed from Fake Dracula - pooh poohs his tricks and gives away the secret and is generally a dick.
Prison. Two guards come to collect a prisoner who is Antonio Sabato, Jr. You'll probably recall that he was on the show previously but may not recall why. Basically, I'm describing myself. Thankfully they say his name right away so I don't have to keep typing Antonio Sabato, Jr.
Stephanie: I only remember Bane as the guy Prue made out with when she put on leather and became a Bad Girl for a day. I don't remember why he's in jail. I also don't care.
Stephanie: I only remember Bane as the guy Prue made out with when she put on leather and became a Bad Girl for a day. I don't remember why he's in jail. I also don't care.
I have to start off by saying that I know that Willa Holland was Kaitlin Cooper long, long before she was Thea Queen on the Arrow, but to me, she will always be Oliver Queen's little sister.
Marines: I hope she's a better person on that show.
GFM: She isn't, sadly. But she does wield swords, so.
Okay, now that I've got that out of the way, on to the recap.
We open on Sandy Eyebrows Cohen storming into Ryan’s pool house wearing an amazing bathrobe. He wakes Ryan up, in a panic because Seth is ‘gone’.
Marines: I hope she's a better person on that show.
GFM: She isn't, sadly. But she does wield swords, so.
Okay, now that I've got that out of the way, on to the recap.
We open on Sandy Eyebrows Cohen storming into Ryan’s pool house wearing an amazing bathrobe. He wakes Ryan up, in a panic because Seth is ‘gone’.
Joey and Dawson walk-and-talk about finals. They arrive at the Leery Manor porch, and Dawson starts word-vomiting about some pact. Apparently they agreed to go to junior prom together many moons ago, and Dawson insists they should go, but he says "as friends" so many times that I'm positive he's full of shit.
Kirsti: I'm not sure whether I'm more horrified that Dawson's making such a huge deal of JUNIOR PROM or that he's holding Joey to a promise she made over two years ago. Either way, DUDE, NO.
Kirsti: I'm not sure whether I'm more horrified that Dawson's making such a huge deal of JUNIOR PROM or that he's holding Joey to a promise she made over two years ago. Either way, DUDE, NO.
The supremely phallic Human Dalek announces that all of the humans in attendance will soon also increase their facial phallicness 1000%. The Doctor sneaks away as the Coverall Pigs step forward to apprehend people. "Happy Days Are Here Again" starts playing and everyone gets real confused. Phallic Human Dalek asks what that sound is and the Doctor peaks out to say he did it. He's got a radio in his hands. The Daleks immediately cry EXTERMINATE, but Phallic Human Dalek stops them. All he says is, "wait!" though, so we don't get a reason as to why they are leaving the Doctor still alive. Just wait.
In a creepy old house in the middle of nowhere, an older guy is watching TV when the lights suddenly go out. He eyerolls a little and heads over the door, but it's locked. He's confused, and turns to see a ghostly girl appear out of the closet. "Y-you? It's impossible!" he says before yelling at her to stay away from him. She smiles creepily and we see blood splatter all over the walls as the guy screams.
CREEPY BIRDS!
After the Not Credits, Sam wakes up in the backseat of the Bromobile.
CREEPY BIRDS!
After the Not Credits, Sam wakes up in the backseat of the Bromobile.
We pick this episode up right where we left off last time, with everyone looking at Toby's house on fire. Their phones all ring and it's a text message from A: Did you miss me, bitches? Um, actually no. Emily is still like, "but Shana is dead!" because even though a house is exploding in front of them, apparently we're still going to find it hard to believe that A is STILL a thing.
Jessica: This attitude just explains why in 5 seasons, we're no closer to finding out what the hell is going on with this A person/people than we were in Season 1, Episode 1.
Mari: As they look on and wonder where Toby went, the house explodes some more.
Jessica: This attitude just explains why in 5 seasons, we're no closer to finding out what the hell is going on with this A person/people than we were in Season 1, Episode 1.
Mari: As they look on and wonder where Toby went, the house explodes some more.
The previouslies are helping me remember how much I hated new!Kaitlin (BRING BACK SHAILENE WOODLEY) and the infuriating way she speaks like she's got a permanent mouthful of cotton candy. I haven't seen the previous episode in at least seven or so years, but it's all coming back to me now.
Cohen House Breakfast Where Everyone Is Way Too Awake For Such An Early Hour But At Least There Are Bagels. Sandy's big day involves building a hospital, a project he inherited from Caleb. Except they're still competing with another firm to get the project, or something? Whatever, the important thing is that Sandy needs his lucky tie and Kirsten already got it cleaned for him because these two are an awesome team.
Cohen House Breakfast Where Everyone Is Way Too Awake For Such An Early Hour But At Least There Are Bagels. Sandy's big day involves building a hospital, a project he inherited from Caleb. Except they're still competing with another firm to get the project, or something? Whatever, the important thing is that Sandy needs his lucky tie and Kirsten already got it cleaned for him because these two are an awesome team.