We begin with the Marses discussing the big reveal at the end of the previous episode - that Terrence Cook has a butt-load of explosives in his fancy car/helicopter hangar. Veronica half-heartedly tries to pretend Terrence just had a hobby that involved blowing shit up, but that's pretty unlikely.
Sweeney: So are the multitude of paternity mysteries in this town of plot-shifting size, though! You keep those fingers crossed for Terrence, girl. Also for Keith. Mostly for Keith.
Diva: Excellent point. I don't know why I suddenly expected "unlikeliness" to matter at all in this town.
We open on Marin Manor where Spencer and Emily are doing dishes and being passive aggressive. Spencer apologizes for Toby, but says he's not ready to talk yet. Emily snaps that they need to focus on Hanna right now, which is Aria's cue to enternounce that these two talking is step 1 and getting Hanna to actually eat is step 2. Spencer suggests mozzarella sticks and I have a vague recollection of Hanna's love of mozzarella sticks being a thing in another episode, because obviously moments where the girls are being cute are vastly superior to anything vaguely resembling "plot." (L: Plus, FOOD.) The girls exposit that Hanna's being shut out of lawyer meetings and when Spencer suggests the others go home and rest, they insist that they're fine to stay because the only way to get Hanna through this is together. D'AWW. The downside of their cuteness is that there is nothing to snark when they are being adorable.
Because that season premiere propelled the show from teen drama to full-on Spanish telenovella, I feel like characters should be renamed (at least for one recap) accordingly.
After the previouslies summarizing everyone's drama, we kick off with Rodrigo (Ryan) and Seth (who will be called Enriqué because no proper telenovella can do without an Enriqué, and also because I guess the Spanish of Seth would be Seth). (L: Set, actually. TMYK *shooting star*) So, Rodrigo and Enriqué are talking about whether they should go back to school, with Enriqué trying to flee (which seems to have become his thing) while Rodrigo says that they have to go.
After the previouslies summarizing everyone's drama, we kick off with Rodrigo (Ryan) and Seth (who will be called Enriqué because no proper telenovella can do without an Enriqué, and also because I guess the Spanish of Seth would be Seth). (L: Set, actually. TMYK *shooting star*) So, Rodrigo and Enriqué are talking about whether they should go back to school, with Enriqué trying to flee (which seems to have become his thing) while Rodrigo says that they have to go.
Shrine O'Spielberg. Jack has made a perfect scaled exact replica of Capeside for Dawson to use in his movie. It looks like something that would take months to do, but sure, let's pretend he just did this over the weekend!
Kirsti: Come on, Diva. We've already established that time moves differently in Capeside. Given that Dawson and Joey's first kiss seemed to last for like six months when the seasons are taken into consideration, Jack's probably had tons of time!
Kirsti: Come on, Diva. We've already established that time moves differently in Capeside. Given that Dawson and Joey's first kiss seemed to last for like six months when the seasons are taken into consideration, Jack's probably had tons of time!
We open with more shots of Improbable Law School Bonfire. The Chosen Ones are once again fretting about the body disposal issue. This time we learn that the pretty engaged girl who wants Viola Davis's coat/life is angry because, "It's all her fault!" We don't know who "her" refers to yet, but we do know that homegirl just won herself the title star. I'm sure it'll be good for bartering in prison.
Lorraine: Don't spend it all in one day!
Democracy Diva: Or, if you do, spend it a carton of cigarettes, and then you'll have things to trade forever! #protips
Lorraine: Don't spend it all in one day!
Democracy Diva: Or, if you do, spend it a carton of cigarettes, and then you'll have things to trade forever! #protips
Detective Tanner is preparing her coffee as she says that Hanna won't tell her anything about the gun she was apparently burying on a college campus. Tanner offers Hanna some coffee, and quips that she doesn't need a lawyer to answer that question. This is Rosewood, though, so you never know. Hanna turns down the offer. Tanner switches tactics and tells Hanna what she knows: Han was carrying a concealed weapon without a license, the gun is a .38 caliber revolver that holds six bullets, but only had four. Hanna could be looking at up to a seven-year-charge for just having the gun. Tanner asks Hanna to reconsider who she is protecting.
Sweeney: In Hanna's defense, I think there is literally nobody in Rosewood who actually remembers why they're doing anything at this point.
Sweeney: In Hanna's defense, I think there is literally nobody in Rosewood who actually remembers why they're doing anything at this point.
Corny is delivering pizza and we see him dance about and be entirely way too happy about a pizza he isn't going to eat. As he walks toward a house, someone walks up behind him and tasers him. He blacks out.
Neptune High. Veronica gets out of her car and Dick parks next to her. When he opens his door, he hits her car and cares not a jot about doing so. Two jocks, one of them being Lucas Grabeel, come over to make fun of that whole Dick kissed someone with a penis thing and generally make comments so unsettling, Veronica can't even enjoy Dick getting a taste of his own medicine. She leaves.
Democracy Diva: Lucas Grabeel is a homophobe? NOOO! What about Milk, Lucas?!
Neptune High. Veronica gets out of her car and Dick parks next to her. When he opens his door, he hits her car and cares not a jot about doing so. Two jocks, one of them being Lucas Grabeel, come over to make fun of that whole Dick kissed someone with a penis thing and generally make comments so unsettling, Veronica can't even enjoy Dick getting a taste of his own medicine. She leaves.
Democracy Diva: Lucas Grabeel is a homophobe? NOOO! What about Milk, Lucas?!
We open on…lots of shirtless construction workers. Unfortunately, the camera’s not on them nearly long enough. The only two people with shirts are Sandy and I guess the head construction dude, and it’s not until they start talking that I realize the construction is in the Cohen home. Their house is torn apart, literally and figuratively, which Sandy actually says out loud. As always, very subtle with the symbolism, writers. They talk about the endless construction and we learn that it’s now September. Just before the construction workers knock down a wall that almost hits them, Sandy complains about all the shirtless guys (killjoy!) saying that the neighbors have started to call their house The Manhole. Hee. Kirsten comes downstairs wearing this adorable little black dress and greets “Archie,” the head construction dude.
Shrine o' Spielberg. Dawson flails over the fact that he and Joey have made it through their first post-break up movie night while Joey drinks Diet Coke because sponsorship is important. She makes noises about leaving, but he wants her to help him pick the actress who'll play Sammy (read: loosely disguised Joey) in his new shitty movie. Joey suggests finding someone who can make the role less like her, but Dawson's all "LOL NOPE". She's surprised by how okay he is about everything between them, and he says that as she's dating Jack and has clearly moved on, he can let go. This makes her sad panda and I headdesk. She leaves.
I DON'T WANNA WAIT.
I DON'T WANNA WAIT.
Baby Batman is continuing his slightly suicidal exploration of his fears by burning his hand on a candle. Alfred walks in and startles BB, who hides his burnt hand. Alfred demands to see his hand and then freaks out at the sight, calling BB stupid and shaking him into a hug. There is no other way to describe that. I'm not sure I understand what this show is doing with Alfred. (A: Me neither).
Selina Kyle sits with some of her homeless friends playing with a necklace kind of like how a cat would play with yarn. (wink.)
A van comes down the alley and puts Selina on her guard. Two overly peppy people in outfits I cannot explain jump out of the van and claim to be from the mayor's outreach program.
Selina Kyle sits with some of her homeless friends playing with a necklace kind of like how a cat would play with yarn. (wink.)
A van comes down the alley and puts Selina on her guard. Two overly peppy people in outfits I cannot explain jump out of the van and claim to be from the mayor's outreach program.
Announcement: Despite my recent Twitter crusade to support her and get her some respectable trashy drama work, I've been spelling Shannen Doherty's name wrong this whole time. (Shannon vs. Shannen). I apologize to Ms. Doherty. Also, in prepartion for my public apology, I checked out her Twitter. She's currently working to save the dolphins, so probably she's plenty busy and doesn't need my Twitter support. Never gonna stop, though.
"Pop's Gym." Two men are boxing. Another man, with a very professional mullet, walks in and observes. Aggressive Boxing Man [ABM] knocks the crap out of Ow, My Face Hurts Man. Next, cut to Aggressive Boxing Man packing his bags. Professional Mullet finds him and says he's a fan of his bloody boxing work.
"Pop's Gym." Two men are boxing. Another man, with a very professional mullet, walks in and observes. Aggressive Boxing Man [ABM] knocks the crap out of Ow, My Face Hurts Man. Next, cut to Aggressive Boxing Man packing his bags. Professional Mullet finds him and says he's a fan of his bloody boxing work.
Psychiatrist's office. A creepy guy in his early 20s tells the psychiatrist that a year or so ago, he started getting migraines. Then he found out he could electrocute things with his brain. He tried it out on the neighbour's cat. The psychiatrist frowns and makes notes that probably say "DO NOT SHAKE HANDS WITH THIS DUDE OMG." Electro-creeper says that he didn't want to kill the neighbour's cat, but the yellow-eyed man comes to him in his dreams and asks him to do things, that he has plans for him. Cut to Electro-creeper walking towards his car at night. When he reaches his car, there's a dark figure reflected in the window. Electro-creeper turns and promptly gets stabbed twice.
FLAME ON!
FLAME ON!
We begin the episode with what I thought was a scream, but is actually sirens. Hanna's eyes pop open. She calls out to her mom and goes downstairs to find her asleep on the patio off the kitchen, all bundled up. As Hanna explains that she had a nightmare, Ashley sits up and reveals that her hair has fallen out and she's wearing an orange jumpsuit. Fortunately this is just some sort of inception nightmare-within-a-nightmare, because Ashley I-hide-my-stolen-money-in-pasta-boxes Marin wouldn't last a day on Orange is the New Black. Back in Hanna's bed, she wakes up for real, screaming, and her mom comes to her. Hanna says she's fine and doesn't want to talk about her prison mom nightmare.
SHHHHH!
SHHHHH!
In Free Study Period That Mostly Exists in Fictional Universes For Plot Purposes, Veronica is picking up some stuff for an FBLA booth. Mrs. Hauser asks some kid to go get some stuff and he declares Veronica his nemesis. While he does as he's asked, Veronica snarks to Madison Trip to the Dentist Sinclair about their eternal nemesis status. Mrs. Hauser complains about poor teacher life while also hating the poor kids, which is super cool.
Corny and Weevil are also randomly there to provide some the essential us/them divisiveness. Rich 09ers are preparing for the school carnival which will raise money for the senior trip they control.
Corny and Weevil are also randomly there to provide some the essential us/them divisiveness. Rich 09ers are preparing for the school carnival which will raise money for the senior trip they control.
FINALE TIME! I have no idea why this show has a ridiculous 27 episode order, but unlike some other teen soap operas, the previouslies inform us that shit has been happening on this show. Speaking of, this episode begins with Seth and Ryan discussing potential baby names. Ryan, suddenly with more to brood about than ever before is uncommonly lighthearted. (For Ryan, anyway. This would still qualify as a broody day for most other fictional characters.) Bro chat comes to an end when Theresa emerges from the family planning clinic.
Casa Cohen. Kirsten gets off a phone call, still distressed about the impending nuptials of The Gruesome Twosome.
Casa Cohen. Kirsten gets off a phone call, still distressed about the impending nuptials of The Gruesome Twosome.