So this is the 100th episode of this show. Let's do a quick round-up of what we know after approximately a century's worth of episodes.
Question 1: Is Alison alive?
Answer: Yes!
Question 2: Who is A?
Answer: No freaking clue.
Ok good, you're all caught up. On to the episode! (M: This is my favorite thing that's ever happened.)
Rosewood High book sale. Aria looks at Hanna appraisingly, making Hanna think she hates "it." I'm like, "what?" until I remember the dye job. And it isn't until the camera changes to a side angle that I can even tell what this drastic change even is: chunks of black underneath the top layer of her blond hair. HANNA, I BARELY RECOGNIZED YOU.
Jessica: It's like the makeup department called a huddle and said "ok, how can we change the blond girl's hair while still keeping her blond?"
Jessica: It's like the makeup department called a huddle and said "ok, how can we change the blond girl's hair while still keeping her blond?"
Ali is lying on her bed while voiceovers of the Liars ask if she’s ok. Light and shadows play over her face as we assume the days pass. I know Ali can be a manipulative bitch and all, but I can’t begin to imagine the trauma of nearly being murdered, buried alive, on the run for three years and then come back to find your mom murdered. Damn.
Mr. DiLaurentis and Jason join in the voiceovers, rudely telling the Liars to get out.
Mr. DiLaurentis and Jason join in the voiceovers, rudely telling the Liars to get out.
A bus pulls into Rosewood. Aria, Hanna, Spencer, Emily and Alison get off. Ali hesitates at the last step and tries to run back on, but Emily stops her telling her that A is gone and she doesn’t need to run anymore. So, if I remember correctly, they think A is dead because Shana is dead. But didn’t they have that in-the-park A rave too? Apparently they have blocked that out. I, however, have not. That was about the most memorable thing last episode, aside from Shana dying from falling like 2 feet off the stage.
The happiest two seconds of the entire series happen when an EMT says Ezra's pulse is getting weaker. The only one who is sad about this is Aria. Her friends hold her back and tell her she shouldn't go with Ezra to the hospital because then the pesky cops will start asking her questions. Apparently, no one from the NYPD notices Aria hyperventilating after Ezra; they are busy questioning Noel Khan. Alison is on a fire escape, watching the ambulance ride by. A is-- TRUE STORY-- riding on the top of the ambulance like some kind of extra-deranged Spider-Man. I hate this show.
Apartment somewhere. The Liars are impatiently waiting on something. Behind them, Noel Kahn says he'll be right back. Apparently, he's the "what are you doing here? DRAMATIC CUT TO BLACK" from last episode. (J: terrible pay off.) When he leaves, the Liars wonder at the smartness of following Noel Kahn and further wonder why Alison would trust him. They don't hear the Foley guys given them an extra loud door opening sound, so they all jump up when Alison answers, "because he has secrets too."
Nighttime in the woods. Spencer wanders around in a bridal dress, getting tangled in the trees. She is being stalked by a black clothed figure, then we hear a stabbing sort of sound and she gasps. Is something exciting about to happen, you ask? Or something about to be revealed? PSYCH! No. Not even close.
“48 hours earlier” appears across the screen. Ah, that old trope.
Rosewood's one coffee shop. All four Liars are discussing the fact that Paige tipped the cops off about Ali being alive.
“48 hours earlier” appears across the screen. Ah, that old trope.
Rosewood's one coffee shop. All four Liars are discussing the fact that Paige tipped the cops off about Ali being alive.
Spencer is in her room unpacking the bag she took to rehab and snapping at her mom. She apologizes and says that she's just irritable because of that whole 'kicking her drug habit' thing. Mariska Mom takes it in stride, which is the least she can do after being a horrible mother 95% of the time. Spencer has some weird flashbacks to the night Ali died and her mom suggests she get some rest.
Jessica: Well, PLL solved Spencer's rehab the same way Gotham solves everything — skip to the end.
Jessica: Well, PLL solved Spencer's rehab the same way Gotham solves everything — skip to the end.
Aria cries as she fills her friends in on the ever-increasing creepiness of Ezra Fitz. See, he didn't kiss a random girl and THEN find out she was 16. He knew all along that she was a minor but he's awful and decided to exploit her anyway. Additionally, he had a "brief" relationship with Alison when she was 14. So. I actually just got really, really gaggy.
Sara: It seems like the word 'relationship' is not really accurate considering it was between a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD and a grown man in college. Gross gross gross gross.
Sara: It seems like the word 'relationship' is not really accurate considering it was between a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD and a grown man in college. Gross gross gross gross.
We open on Spencer, who has fallen asleep at Ezra's desk, and is drooling all over the Ali Diary. Ezra walks in, wakes her up and asks what she's doing. She's confused, just as anyone would be to realize that they're in their pajamas, at school, and this is not an actual dream. She tries to leave but he creepy stops her and tells her the path she's on is dangerous, then the bell rings and she uses it to make a break for it. Ezra creepy stares after her. But I guess he's used to people fleeing his dead-eyed stare.
SHHHHH.
Coma-makeup!Spencer is changing in the girl's bathroom.
SHHHHH.
Coma-makeup!Spencer is changing in the girl's bathroom.
Spencer, Emily, and Hanna are breaking into EzrA's classroom in the middle of the day (Saturday? School day? Who knows.) to try to find something that will convince Aria that Ezra is a lying liar who lies. It's cool that they're already prepared for Aria being an asshole who's going to be all, "NU UH" about it.
Marines: "HE DOESN'T LIE. Only to people who would care he's dating his student, duh."
Sara: Spencer finds an envelope with Ali's journal in it, so they take off with it. Before they can leave, they hear footsteps approaching and watch as Mona lets herself in to Ezra's classroom.
Marines: "HE DOESN'T LIE. Only to people who would care he's dating his student, duh."
Sara: Spencer finds an envelope with Ali's journal in it, so they take off with it. Before they can leave, they hear footsteps approaching and watch as Mona lets herself in to Ezra's classroom.
Alison is in a phone booth saying very vague things that are both boring and difficult to recap. We cut to Rosewood's One Coffee Shop, where Shana is in a little... phone booth closet? For using cell phones? (S: This is both absurd and exactly the sort of hipster retro bullshit I could see being a real and actual thing at a place like One Coffee Shop.) She watches all the Liars arrive and tells Alison as much. Alison asks Shana for assurance that she can get "it," but Shana has to go because the Liars all turn toward her and are just going to stand there at stare at her, I guess. Spencer asks if they can trust her now and Emily uses the non-human logic that if Ali trusts Shana they should too. That's cool except for the part where Ali is certifiable. BUT OKAY.
Aria and Emily are walking together at night, talking about the movie they just saw (and a really annoying person who kept talking during it– for whom a special level of hell exists).
Aria brings up Spencer, and things get awkward. Aria says that Spencer was trying to protect her (by stalking her), but Emily said she was just being controlling. Emily's annoyed and believes they'll never hear from Ali again. Somehow, I find that doubtful.
Marines: It's cruel to suggest that could happen, show.
Aria brings up Spencer, and things get awkward. Aria says that Spencer was trying to protect her (by stalking her), but Emily said she was just being controlling. Emily's annoyed and believes they'll never hear from Ali again. Somehow, I find that doubtful.
Marines: It's cruel to suggest that could happen, show.
We begin exactly where the last episode ends. Given that no episode seems to span more than one or two endless days, the trend toward running episodes one into the next like this only contributes to the overall meaningless of time in Rosewood. The Pretty Little Liars struggle with GPS and technology and stuff and try to make their way to the Busy Bee Inn, where Ali may or may not be hiding out.
Busy Bee Inn. The liars go into a room that appears to have broken into (shattered window) and which has been occupied by a female squatter who dresses kind of like Ali.
Marines: She picks up a single floral blouse. "Ali would wear this!" And so would a gabillion other girls and some boys, congrats.
Busy Bee Inn. The liars go into a room that appears to have broken into (shattered window) and which has been occupied by a female squatter who dresses kind of like Ali.
Marines: She picks up a single floral blouse. "Ali would wear this!" And so would a gabillion other girls and some boys, congrats.
We pick up right after the last episode, with the girls hanging out at the mausoleum, the hot spot of all the young liars in town. Spencer has flipped through the journal and doesn't recognize any of the names in it. Hanna says that Ali changed the names around, because she was the kind of girl who even lied to her own diary, or something. Spencer wonders why Hanna kept this to herself for so long and she tries to carefully explain that there is stuff in there that they may not know about each other or stuff they may want to forget. Emily and Spencer get snippy with her for keeping the thing to herself, but Aria calms everyone down.