The girls are in Spencer's room trying to process this big! revelation! that we've been hinting at since the pilot. In spite of how stupid this is from a plot perspective I kind of feel Aria on her, "Guys, we just found out that the girl whose murder we've been quasi-investigating for 3+ years is actually not dead, CAN WE FUCKING TAKE A MINUTE?" Aria's confused by her feelings, and I don't blame her.
Spencer wants everyone to focus on making Ali feel safe enough to come back so they can talk to her. Emily's the only one willing to point out the obvious: that it's very possible and so-very-Ali that Ali is A. Spencer tries to run down the names of people Ali could be afraid of and settles on the guy that attacked her in Ravenswood.
It's kind of weird because episode 13 is generally the Halloween episode but no one has mentioned Halloween. Instead, the Liars are crashing the Ravenswood-party-that-requires-a-costume-and-is-also-in-a-graveyard. The girls are all, "WTF. Who throws a party in a graveyard?" and the answer is apparently, "Ravenswood" and not, "well, who goes to an Adam Lambert murder Halloween train party, GIRLS?" or "who actually attends a party in a graveyard."
BUT ANY EXCUSE FOR GORGEOUS GIRLS IN COSTUME!
Sweeney: Gorgeous girls in gorgeous, elaborate period costumes. TV teenagers have the best closets.
BUT ANY EXCUSE FOR GORGEOUS GIRLS IN COSTUME!
Sweeney: Gorgeous girls in gorgeous, elaborate period costumes. TV teenagers have the best closets.
The Liars are gathered in the Hastings House watching the news coverage on the eye witness that has come forward in Wilden's case. The doorbell rings and Spencer goes to answer it while the remaining girls exposit that Travis is the cute eye witness. Hanna is legit worried that he might withdraw his testimony and Aria offers, "he's quite the dancer."
Sweeney: Aria, that is relevant to nothing at all. Your inability to differentiate the pertinence of information is part of why you never definitively solve anything ever.
Sweeney: Aria, that is relevant to nothing at all. Your inability to differentiate the pertinence of information is part of why you never definitively solve anything ever.
At Rosewood High School for Processing your Stalkers, the Pretty Little Liars recap the last episode for us - the squatter in the DiLaurentis crawlspace and CeCe blaming all of these then-14-year-olds for getting her 21-year-old ass kicked out of college.
Marines: I feel it's my obligation to say that one of the girls say that napping isn't living, which is just more proof that they are doing life wrong.
Sweeney: We just need to sit them all down and have a chat.
Marines: I feel it's my obligation to say that one of the girls say that napping isn't living, which is just more proof that they are doing life wrong.
Sweeney: We just need to sit them all down and have a chat.
The girls are trying to sneak back into school after leaving midday to try and see Jenna. They were turned away, and Hanna laments not breaking out their candy striper outfits again. Spencer is pretty sure their teacher noticed them all missing but on they sneak. And by "sneak" I mean walk at a leisurely pace and exposit loudly in the halls about figuring out who drowned Jenna.
Emily gets a text message.
Emily, girl, you need to get your priorities in order.
Emily gets a text message.
Emily, girl, you need to get your priorities in order.
Mona, in her quest to make amends for her history of stalking and life-ruining, is in her interrogation, confessing to Wilden's murder. She says that she had known about Wilden's murder of Garrett, a fact that she claims she was trying to use to blackmail him into leaving our Pretty Little Liars out of his Ali-vestigation. Wilden got violent once he know that Mona knew about his murdering Garrett. When asked why she's confessing when she could have gotten away with it, Mona cries and says she couldn't let her best friend's mother go down for a murder she didn't commit.
Marines: As soon as the detective leaves, she stops crying and puts on a, "mwahahaha" face. I hope this isn't being recorded.
Marines: As soon as the detective leaves, she stops crying and puts on a, "mwahahaha" face. I hope this isn't being recorded.
Mama Fields is on the phone, presumably with the LOLPD, trying to get some answers about the car that was thrown at her house. Apparently, there was no sign of the driver, which Pam finds super hard to believe. After the phone call, Pam tells Emily to quit sulking around the motel and go to her college guidance session.
Hasting's House. Emily, Aria and Spencer are together and worrying about the Fields family. Spencer says that A likes to throw cars at people AND THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN SAYING. Wait, did Sara know this was going to happen and inject that language into the recaps early? Whatever is happening here, I like it.
Hasting's House. Emily, Aria and Spencer are together and worrying about the Fields family. Spencer says that A likes to throw cars at people AND THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN SAYING. Wait, did Sara know this was going to happen and inject that language into the recaps early? Whatever is happening here, I like it.
We open on Marin Manor where Spencer and Emily are doing dishes and being passive aggressive. Spencer apologizes for Toby, but says he's not ready to talk yet. Emily snaps that they need to focus on Hanna right now, which is Aria's cue to enternounce that these two talking is step 1 and getting Hanna to actually eat is step 2. Spencer suggests mozzarella sticks and I have a vague recollection of Hanna's love of mozzarella sticks being a thing in another episode, because obviously moments where the girls are being cute are vastly superior to anything vaguely resembling "plot." (L: Plus, FOOD.) The girls exposit that Hanna's being shut out of lawyer meetings and when Spencer suggests the others go home and rest, they insist that they're fine to stay because the only way to get Hanna through this is together. D'AWW. The downside of their cuteness is that there is nothing to snark when they are being adorable.
Detective Tanner is preparing her coffee as she says that Hanna won't tell her anything about the gun she was apparently burying on a college campus. Tanner offers Hanna some coffee, and quips that she doesn't need a lawyer to answer that question. This is Rosewood, though, so you never know. Hanna turns down the offer. Tanner switches tactics and tells Hanna what she knows: Han was carrying a concealed weapon without a license, the gun is a .38 caliber revolver that holds six bullets, but only had four. Hanna could be looking at up to a seven-year-charge for just having the gun. Tanner asks Hanna to reconsider who she is protecting.
Sweeney: In Hanna's defense, I think there is literally nobody in Rosewood who actually remembers why they're doing anything at this point.
Sweeney: In Hanna's defense, I think there is literally nobody in Rosewood who actually remembers why they're doing anything at this point.
We begin the episode with what I thought was a scream, but is actually sirens. Hanna's eyes pop open. She calls out to her mom and goes downstairs to find her asleep on the patio off the kitchen, all bundled up. As Hanna explains that she had a nightmare, Ashley sits up and reveals that her hair has fallen out and she's wearing an orange jumpsuit. Fortunately this is just some sort of inception nightmare-within-a-nightmare, because Ashley I-hide-my-stolen-money-in-pasta-boxes Marin wouldn't last a day on Orange is the New Black. Back in Hanna's bed, she wakes up for real, screaming, and her mom comes to her. Hanna says she's fine and doesn't want to talk about her prison mom nightmare.
SHHHHH!
SHHHHH!
Best Papa Fields gets home, greets Emily and quickly sends her on her way. Because every other day she has full hours for coffee and crime investigating, but on the day her dad gets home, can't be late! No time!
Sweeney: Emily, girl, reexamine all of your priorities.
Lor: Hanna and Caleb are already at school, discussing Shitbag Marin's missing gun. Caleb's all, "hey, all we know is there may have been a gun in the room when your mom got there and it was definitely gone after she left." Caleb says if Wilden was shot with a 38, Ashley is in trouble. Hanna's response is to just forget everything about murder and evidence and stuff because it's too hard.
Sweeney: Emily, girl, reexamine all of your priorities.
Lor: Hanna and Caleb are already at school, discussing Shitbag Marin's missing gun. Caleb's all, "hey, all we know is there may have been a gun in the room when your mom got there and it was definitely gone after she left." Caleb says if Wilden was shot with a 38, Ashley is in trouble. Hanna's response is to just forget everything about murder and evidence and stuff because it's too hard.
The girls go through a box of toys and other Ali things at Rosewood's One Coffeeshop, reminding us about the missing bird, returned dead bestie's mother, and Hanna's future accused murderer mother. Everyone is unimpressed with Aria's latest teacher boyfriend.
Piper Mom is also there with her Coffee Shop Owning boyfriend. He's moving to Austria and wants her to come with him, but she can't because she has children. He wants her to "take motherhood off the table for a second" and Piper Mom doesn't in any way whatsoever respond that this is not how motherhood works. Is that why parenting is so bad in Rosewood? "I want to do a thing, but I'm a parent!" "Just, like, pretend you're not." "Perfect!"
Piper Mom is also there with her Coffee Shop Owning boyfriend. He's moving to Austria and wants her to come with him, but she can't because she has children. He wants her to "take motherhood off the table for a second" and Piper Mom doesn't in any way whatsoever respond that this is not how motherhood works. Is that why parenting is so bad in Rosewood? "I want to do a thing, but I'm a parent!" "Just, like, pretend you're not." "Perfect!"
Rosewood used to have One Restaurant but I think they gave up on that and started serving food in the One Coffee Shop. That's where we find our girls now. They exposit in the clunkiest ways possible the events of Wilden's murder and funeral. ("I was looking at that freaky woman!" "Which one?" "Oh, you know, the one with the veil we all saw and would definitely be described as freaky! REMEMBER?" Yes girls, we remember. Thank you.)
Sweeney: Next time we hang out I think we need to better prepare for the TV version of our lives by having long conversations about things we just did.
Sweeney: Next time we hang out I think we need to better prepare for the TV version of our lives by having long conversations about things we just did.
The episode picks up where the last one left off and I'm actually kind of glad we're not watching real time because if I had to wait months to see them open the trunk for this big reveal, I'd be pissed. The trunk contents? A dead pig. That's it. This fucking show.
Lorraine: Mother of all curb-hangers.
Sweeney: The girls start to blame Mona for setting them up, but crazy bitch actually the only one thinking smart - she's stealing the hard drive with the video of Ashley Marin running over Detective Wilden.
Lorraine: Mother of all curb-hangers.
Sweeney: The girls start to blame Mona for setting them up, but crazy bitch actually the only one thinking smart - she's stealing the hard drive with the video of Ashley Marin running over Detective Wilden.
Emily, Aria and Hanna are downstairs at the Hastings House, waiting for Spencer. There is an impressive spread of finger foods that I want to reach through the TV and grab. Aria wonders if they talk about Toby. Emily is afraid of saying anything that could send Spencer back to Radley. Hanna says maybe there is still hope that Toby isn't dead, but I don't follow her logic as to why. Just go with it.
Spencer shows up and says hope breeds eternal misery. She looks spectacular though. Much better than her Pretty White Virginal Pajamas. (S: It's also the first time in about a dozen episodes that she's not sporting some of Faith's coma makeup.)
Spencer shows up and says hope breeds eternal misery. She looks spectacular though. Much better than her Pretty White Virginal Pajamas. (S: It's also the first time in about a dozen episodes that she's not sporting some of Faith's coma makeup.)