Pretty Little Liars S01 E04 – It’s not going to happen.

Hanna is in lots of trouble with her mom partly for wrecking her boyfriend's car, but mostly for the fact that there are cops at her house again and she can't sex her way out of this one for Hanna. Poor Mama Marin. It seems like this is the first time she found a problem her vagina couldn't solve.
The PLL's are talking about the exciting new memorial bench the town is putting in and the flowers they'll plant and BFF tiles they will all make for Alison. Hanna still has Alison's bracelet and she is not happy about it. The other girls hesitate, but Spencer takes it and tells the girls to grow the fuck up.

Angel S01 E19 – Greeting Cards

The episode begins more or less right after the last, as it's a two-parter. Angel is returning to the Brooding Basement with a very beat up Faith. He gives her a towel and puts her to bed. She says nothing until he starts to walk away. She says his name and we see her beating him up, but it was just in her head. He asks her what she wants. "Nothing," she says. Roll electric cellos.
Lorraine: Dude, if she has those murdery scenes playing in her head all the time, it's a wonder she doesn't kill more people.
K: A+

Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E19 – It’s complicated.

It's necessary to warn everyone that this is a get-the-tissues-ready episode.
Lorraine: I was gonna put it on here if you didn't. Team Feels unanimously agrees.
K: Damn. We missed a prime episode to vote the last episode V for Vomit-worthy. Also, Team Heartless Cow agrees that this episode is full of feels. Brace yourselves.
Sweeney: The episode begins with Tara and Willow being adorable.

Game of Thrones S03 E08 – Wine is good for you.

The lying liar title credits give us King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfellstillonfire, The Wall, and Yunkai.
We start with our favorite direboss waking up and deciding to smash a sleeping Hound’s head in with a large stone. He tells her that if she fails to kill him, he’ll break both of her hands. Later, they’re riding on a horse, and he’s trying to insist that men far worse than him would have found her. When he mentions that he’s saved her sister, Arya’s interest piques, as does my feels, with this additional mention of how long the Starks have been separated and HOW THEY’LL NEVER HAVE A COMPLETE REUNION. But! The Hound has decided to facilitate that because Robb and Cat will probs pay him for her safe return.

Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 05 – Good morning.

Ana wakes up to find Grey gone-but-not-really because he was just, you know, casually sitting in the arm chair watching her sleep. He tells her not to panic, speaking to her "like a cornered, wild animal," which is either a commentary on Ana's lack of intelligence or the fact that waking up to Christian Grey watching you sleep is terrifying. Maybe both. Isn't this how you'd like to start your days?
Lorraine: Absolutely not. I can't even joke about this shit; that is terrifying.
...but I like that he's wearing GRAY! pants. A+

Angel S01 E18 – Issues for hire

We start under a freeway bridge. A dude in a beanie approaches some guys and asks what they're burning because EW STINKY. The answer? A human arm. And the guys doing the burning aren't so much homeless guys as they are demons with lopsided faces. I'm going to call them the Crooked Smile demons, because if I have to read about ONE MORE YA love interest with a crooked smile, I will scream and I'm secretly hoping this stops all authors from adding it to their stories.
Lorraine: High hopes, my friend, but I approve.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E18 – Nudge nudge wink wink

First of all, Maurice Sendak would be spinning in his grave to know that the title of his book had been stolen for the trainwreck that is this episode. (S: +1, especially as I just declared my love for this book on this blog.) Second of all, I HATE THIS EPISODE SO MUCH OMFG. Right. Now that we've got that over with, let's get this horrific trainwreck over with, shall we?
We open in the cemetery where Buffy, in a pair of shiny snakeskin pants, is fighting a vampire. You know, just for a change. She throws him across the cemetery to Riley who starts punching while Buffy loads her crossbow. Riley holds the vamp still for Buffy to shoot, then a blue horned demon appears out of nowhere to rescue the vamp. She drops the crossbow and heads into the fray.

Segue Magic: Internet Origin Stories (Lorraine)

Every technical difficulty ever went into the making of this video. Eventually, I will stop feeling the need to apologize before every vlog (this one is choppy in place, due to those difficulties) but I think these are the growing pains as we iron out the whole vlogging thing. That's what I like to tell myself so I don't throw my laptop across the room in a Hulk rage.
As I mention in the vlog, Sweeney and I are flip flopping days next week, as she's been traveling these last few days. That also explains why our thumbnails on the main page are all wonky. She will fix those when she gets back. (COME BACK SOON, SWEEN.)

Pretty Little Liars S01 E03 – A Shitty Turnout

Our Pretty Little Liars are walking through a wooded area. You know, the kind where pretty girls get raped and killed and stuff. Emily is leading the other, somewhat reluctant girls back to the shed, site of the original murder-y slumber party, to build a memorial to Alison. Spencer thinks going back to the scene of the crime looks weird and Emily asks if she's worried what other people think. Spencer is all, "UM, WE HAVE OUR OWN DETECTIVE STALKER WHO THINKS WE KILLED HER, SO YES I CARE."
Sweeney: Word. I love how Emily tries to make it a whole BE YOURSELF! ish thing both because of the pot/kettle thing and, more importantly, being investigated for murder is a whole other level of "Yes, what other people think of you matters."

Angel S01 E17 – That’s so raven.

We start with tight shots of Angel's and Wesley's faces alternatively. Denisof really is a handsome man. Boreanaz truly has a prominent brow. The suspenseful music flares up as they realize all the exits are are blocked and they would be spotted right away. Just as Angel suggests shouting fire, we widen the shot to see they are watching Cordelia in a play. Wesley checks his watch: one hour left. Angel: I thought I knew eternity.
K: Punny Angel is punny.
Lor: Roll electric credits.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E17 – Jonathan Bieber

We start with a classic Buffy beginning: our titular character is fighting off a vampire. We quickly see that the Scoobies are with her, being helpful where they can be and pointing her in the direction of a vampire who scurried away. They follow him into a crypt and find a nest of vampires who are all busy noisily slurping on a person. It's funny to me that sometimes vampires seem to insta-drain someone, but here we get more of an extended meal. I wonder if the quick slurp ever gives them vamp-indigestion.
Sweeney: I feel like this line of thinking can't go anywhere good.

Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 04 – Oppression

Grey has been locked away in the study for over an hour so naturally Ana doesn't even know what to do with her self. She's tried reading, watching TV and sunbathing, though she's sure to tell us it's full dressed sunbathing. I don't even know what that means. Probably sunbathing in a parka, because what else screams "abuse victim on a vacation!"
Sweeney: It's amusing when Ana "tries" to do things other than be around Christian Grey because this, like many other things in this series, is something that she talks about doing -- she often tells us of her arduous efforts to DO things at the "stressful" moments in her narrative, but she almost never actually does much of anything besides wait for Christian Grey to tell her what to do.

Game of Thrones S03 E07 – Unapproved bear mauling.

I gloated during my last episode about how I always get the fun credits. I should've learned from Buffy villains and kept the gloating to a minimum: King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Ring of Fire Winterfell, The Wall, and across the Shivering Sea toYunkai.
Jon Snow and his ice-wall-climbing pack of Wildlings are walking along on the green side of the Wall. Which is confusing, because his time spent training at the wall was always very snowy and miserable. Also, there are a lot more Wildlings than I initially thought there were. They only showed us Ginger NotMance (Tormund Giantsbane), Wildling Warg, Ygritte and Jon. But, okay. There's a whole pack of them.

Segue Magic: Internet Origin Stories (Sweeney)

I promise I'll start getting these under four minutes next week. I chopped off a lot of introduction stuff, so the beginning is kind of jarring, but my rambling starts with my 7-ish-year-old self. I have nothing else to say about this video, except that I would love to gush about our late '90s fansites in the comments. Also, that this dress was an unfortunate choice. Womp. I very seriously considered changing and re-recording, but the 20 minutes of babble I started with was exhausting enough the first time around.

Angel S01 E16 – Fight Club

The episode begins with Cordelia and Wesley bickering about all the things. First it's the name of the demon database Cordelia is using (Demons! Demons! Demons!) which is a thing whose existence I love and approve of. As all three Snark Ladies are students who get their research on occasionally, it's amusing to watch the Buffyverse acquire technology. I just hope that nobody scanned any old demonic texts in the making of this database, because that was an awful moment in Buffyverse history that I'd rather not revisit.
K: I recently sat in a class where a lecturer told us about how when online database searching first started, you got charged by the SECOND for using it.