This book is the biggest slight of hand in the history of the world. Forget making an airplane disappear on my TV, or whatever. E.L. James just shat on paper and sold a millionties of books, right before your very eyes.
I'm sorry. I try not to open with so much meanness. I like to disguise my distaste with capslocks and diatribes on the evils of toothbrush sharing. It's just that we open this chapter with Ana forgetting about how uneasy the Sexy Times Contract made her, uh, YESTERDAY and is now worried that Grey won't have her at all. Pout.
Previously: Suzanne visits from New York and accuses Mr. Creepy Collins of rape. Meanwhile, in New York, Jessica is actually almost raped. It was a very rape-y time in book...
Previously: It was too boring to even recap in a previously. — Lorraine: Ana is so distraught over what she’s found in the Sexy Times Contract that she decides to,...
Previously: I’m not really sure what happened to Nancy, but we used a lot of Twilight gifs. — Lorraine: Let’s get this out of the way early: never go on...
I've accused FSoG of being many, many, foul named things, but I do believe I have yet to label it "boring." Because E.L. James took her one woman quest to hit every facet of terrible very seriously, she's decided to interrupt the main action of the "plot" to include THE ENTIRE SEXY TIMES CONTRACT IN CHAPTER 11.
Just the entire damn thing.
I really would've loved to see EL's brainstorming process here.
Just the entire damn thing.
I really would've loved to see EL's brainstorming process here.
Lorraine: We made some changes. I guess we should lead off with a thousand thank yous to all of you for your patience as we made these changes. They’ll be...
Previously: Ana tries dressing up like a litte girl so maybe Grey won’t have sex with her but that doesn’t work. Grey doesn’t discriminate. So, they have sex some more....
Previously: Ana and Grey totally “did it” and she felt lots of things “down there,” and I ain’t talking about her toes, ifyouknowwhatImean. — Lorraine: Ana wakes up and apparently having sex...
Previously: Ana and Grey whispered at each other a lot as Grey revealed that he is a Dominant in search of a sub. Grey shows Ana his contract of sub-stuff, which...
HAI BLOG HAI. So a whole shitstorm of shitstorminess happened right after I got married. For example, 1) my car broke down and I had to buy a new one, b) my laptop committed suicide, and 2a) I got laid off at work. Just last night, my wonderful husband fixed my computer because he is the best husband in the whole world really, really tired of listening to me bitch about it.
The moment I found out my laptop was fixed, I texted Lorraine to say, "COMPUTER FIXED. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. I AM SO IN." Because when you're talking about a book as awful as this one, the shouty capitals are really necessary.
The moment I found out my laptop was fixed, I texted Lorraine to say, "COMPUTER FIXED. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. I AM SO IN." Because when you're talking about a book as awful as this one, the shouty capitals are really necessary.
Previously: Ana used Grey’s toothbrush. — Lorraine: After their “fuck the paperwork,” spur-of-the-moment kiss in the elevator, Ana is thrown. It’s only happened approximately 30 seconds ago, but she’s already...
Previously: Grey warns Ana away from him and then gives her an expensive stay-away-from-me gift. Ana goes to celebrate graduation by getting drunk and Grey tracks her cell phone and...
Lorraine: Ana and Grey are hugging post Bicycle Gate. Ana's suddenly convinced that she's a telepath, as she's sending some very intense, "KISS ME DAMN IT," thoughts towards Grey. She would make the first move but:
1.) this is the first time, ever, in 21 years that Ana's wanted to kiss anyone at all. I'm pretty sure if she went in for the kiss first, well...
2.) Something is wrong with Ana! See, she's "paralyzed with a strange, unfamiliar need." She's like one of those goats that faint when they get scared. Except it's when her *ahem* happy parts *ahem* get happy. BAM. Paralyzed.
1.) this is the first time, ever, in 21 years that Ana's wanted to kiss anyone at all. I'm pretty sure if she went in for the kiss first, well...
2.) Something is wrong with Ana! See, she's "paralyzed with a strange, unfamiliar need." She's like one of those goats that faint when they get scared. Except it's when her *ahem* happy parts *ahem* get happy. BAM. Paralyzed.
Lorraine: After I saw “The Avengers” on Saturday afternoon with some friends, we spent a hefty chunk of time discussing what we’d just seen. We quoted lines back to each...
Ana calls Kate with the photo shoot news and Kate's very excited. She's also convinced that Grey's intentions are more than just a helping out the newspaper. Kate's all, "isn't it kind of weird that he followed you all the way to where you work and gave you his cell phone number?" Yes. Yes it is.
Ana regurgitates Grey's "I was in the area" thing and I can just imagine Kate rolling her eyes.
I didn't mention this in chapter 2, but Ana keeps telling us about this "small, quiet voice" in her head. Actually, she told us specifically that this voice was coming from the base of her brain in the medulla oblongata where her subconscious lives, because E.L. James wants to make sure you have all the details, ever. And, I know we all have conscious thought but her voice is kind of creepy and it's always whispering things.
Ana regurgitates Grey's "I was in the area" thing and I can just imagine Kate rolling her eyes.
I didn't mention this in chapter 2, but Ana keeps telling us about this "small, quiet voice" in her head. Actually, she told us specifically that this voice was coming from the base of her brain in the medulla oblongata where her subconscious lives, because E.L. James wants to make sure you have all the details, ever. And, I know we all have conscious thought but her voice is kind of creepy and it's always whispering things.