I feel like you guys aren't even going to believe this chapter name but I am here to faithfully report it: What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.
The drama is real. Also, I'm not convinced Jacob has a brain or a heart so...
Kirsti: Neither. Neither is good. (Seriously though - that chapter title is fucking ridiculous. No wonder this book is seven trillion pages long...)
Annie: Everything about this is ridiculous, so at least Meyer is staying on message?
We open in space. We zoom past the Moon to Earth. A narrator tells us that in the last days of planet Earth, everyone had bad dreams. Except that everyone forgot because people are dumb. Well, one person remembered. We zoom in on Wilf(!!!!!!), watching happily as a Salvation Army band plays Christmas carols. He hears a maniacal laugh in his head, and shakes himself.
The chapter opens with Noah remarking that Hardin was pretty pleasant and not so bad, because Noah has never interacted with people, ever. Tessa starts thinking about the time she cheated on her boyfriend and crawls into said boyfriend's lap to find the fire again. He tries to push her off and asks what she's doing. Tessa gets embarrassed and says she wants to make out and Noah responds "Okay?" question mark included, so I'm feeling unsure about consent here. I continue to feel uncomfortable when Tessa starts to rock her hips against his and Noah stops her and she moves his hands and keeps doing it.
Tessa is showered and composed by the time Steph gets back from the movies. She kind of wants to tell Steph about what happened (meaning the rubbing and kissing), but she also kind of doesn't want anyone to know. She makes a joke about how Hardin was his usual charming self and Steph looks at her real concerned. (S: Keep being concerned, girl.) The (brilliant as always) comments from last week got into how awful it would be to have a boyfriend who was an asshole to everyone but you. That is so damn true. I mean, why would you even want to be with someone who treated literfeally everyone like trash?
Oh hey, it's great to be back in Snark Squad HQ and it's even better that Mari let's me ramble about one of my favourite Gilmore Girls episodes.
Sweeney: Mari's out with a case of having the world's most inhumanly absurd schedule, but I agree that she is very great. (K: I have been wondering if she has a time turner somewhere.) Gif dance party for Mari in the comments. I'll start:
Sweeney: Mari's out with a case of having the world's most inhumanly absurd schedule, but I agree that she is very great. (K: I have been wondering if she has a time turner somewhere.) Gif dance party for Mari in the comments. I'll start:
Oh boy. Here we go.
Tessa tells us that Hardin's hand is on her thigh and she hopes he never moves it. Sounds like an awkward way to live but okay. She studies his tattoos, making special note of an infinity symbol on his wrist. Apparently she's a tattoo whisperer (M: lol) because she knows that this one is extra special to him. He asks her what kind of food she likes, and Tessa takes a moment to let us know how refreshing it is that he asked her a normal question.
Tessa tells us that Hardin's hand is on her thigh and she hopes he never moves it. Sounds like an awkward way to live but okay. She studies his tattoos, making special note of an infinity symbol on his wrist. Apparently she's a tattoo whisperer (M: lol) because she knows that this one is extra special to him. He asks her what kind of food she likes, and Tessa takes a moment to let us know how refreshing it is that he asked her a normal question.
Okay, Hardin has Tessa in his car 90% against her will and we don't know where he is taking her. Everyone, we are on HIGH ALERT.
Samantha:
Captain Kirk is worried.
Mari: As he should be!
First up: Hardin takes Tessa down a gravel road and turns off the music so that she can hear all the little stones crunching beneath the tires. Tessa realizes that they are very, very alone, away from people and building and cars and also police. I added the last thing. HIGH ALERT remains; this seems awful murder-y.
Samantha:
Captain Kirk is worried.
Mari: As he should be!
First up: Hardin takes Tessa down a gravel road and turns off the music so that she can hear all the little stones crunching beneath the tires. Tessa realizes that they are very, very alone, away from people and building and cars and also police. I added the last thing. HIGH ALERT remains; this seems awful murder-y.
We begin at night, in some random office building. A middle-aged guy sits in his cubicle, looking around furtively as he copies something onto his laptop. Then we get an aerial shot of him sitting in a bathroom stall, opening said laptop with a screwdriver, and then removing a tiny storage chip from the hard drive inside it. Not sure that’s a thing, but let’s go with it. (S: The only way to survive SnarkTV, really.) He places the chip into a tricked-out quarter that opens to reveal a cavity that perfectly fits a tiny storage drive. Cool!
Look away, look away!
Lemony says there is no word to describe waking up and knowing instantly that something is wrong. (Dani: Sure there is: "Monday") (Annie: Truth.) This is what happens to the Baudelaires the morning after we last saw them (bad feeling, not Monday), as they wake up to the sun rising and not thanks to their Uncle Monty.
Lemony says there is no word to describe waking up and knowing instantly that something is wrong. (Dani: Sure there is: "Monday") (Annie: Truth.) This is what happens to the Baudelaires the morning after we last saw them (bad feeling, not Monday), as they wake up to the sun rising and not thanks to their Uncle Monty.
Jacob wakes up (-_-) on the floor when Edward decides that it's time to cool Bella down. He heads out with Leah to do "the deep run" while Seth stays on patrol. They don't find anything. I just recapped 3 pages. You're welcome.
Marines: I love these reminders that this is way too many words to describe boring crap and utter horrors.
Marines: I love these reminders that this is way too many words to describe boring crap and utter horrors.
Almost five years ago, our baby website decided to expand from its usual fare (the terrible books we read as children) to cover a TV show. At the insistence of my friends, I'd watched the pilot episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer even before the founding of the blog. In fact, "Childhood Trauma" was the first name of this blog, thanks to the classic line in the pilot. When it came time to pick a show to cover here, it seemed natural to start with Buffy.
The title of this chapter is 'Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock', which is appropriate because I can feel my life slipping away as I read it. (K: Samesies.) (A: Ditto.)
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
The episode begins with Cole and Phoebe kissing in bed, so I already don't like it. Phoebe says that she feels like Cole pulls away whenever they get close, and he responds by literally pulling away and turning from her. (M: Wow. Phoebe is good at picking up on these things.) Phoebe presses a bit more for some truth and Cole transforms into his demon form and attacks her while going "RAWRRR." Just kidding! It’s a nightmare.
So Tessa can't focus on studying and decides to try a shower. Showers are a sort of magic so it helps relax her, and she realizes that she's nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. I mean, can you believe it? She's nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin! Wow.
Marines: She "realizes" this even though we've suffered through 24 what-are-chapters of her being nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. This girl is 139 characters short of a full Tweet.
Marines: She "realizes" this even though we've suffered through 24 what-are-chapters of her being nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. This girl is 139 characters short of a full Tweet.
Tessa meets with Landon to study. She tells us that it took her an hour to organize all her notes after Hardin threw them around LIKE A DICK. I'm convinced that you can add LIKE A DICK to any action Hardin takes and it's 100% accurate. (S: This shall be fun.) Tessa wants to tell Landon about it but "I don't want him to think badly of me." Ummmmm, why would he think badly of you after some jerk threw around your stuff? (S: Yup, this reeks of victim blaming mentality.)