Ladies and gentlemen, you could've been anywhere in the world tonight, but you're here with us in Winterfell. Are you ready for a BastardBowl?
Catherine: Get hype! We're probably gonna be in tears before this is over.
Diva: We're probably gonna be in tears before this starts.
The previouslies remind us that the battle for Winterfell is imminent, Shireen Baratheon loved the toy stag that Davos gave her (see - I'm already crying!), the Greyjoys are en route to Meereen, and the slavers are trying to blow up Dany's pyramid just as she deboards her dragon.
Bella is driving home, paying little attention to the drive, but instead, thinking all about her visit with Jacob, when she spots Edward's Volvo (M: Sparkle) in her rearview mirror. Edward is following way too closely behind her. That sounds super safe. Bella seems worried about how much trouble she's going to be in, which is not a thing that should be happening, as Bella is an adult and Edward is her boyfriend. Not her parent.
Bella drives straight to Angela's house, calling herself a chicken. Yeah, Bella. You're scared to be alone with your boyfriend. You're such a big chicken!
Bella drives straight to Angela's house, calling herself a chicken. Yeah, Bella. You're scared to be alone with your boyfriend. You're such a big chicken!
A while ago I asked Mari if I could hijack Snark Squad to do a Goosebumps post since I had found one of the books at my local library and she was a total sport about it. And then Samantha volunteered as tribute to be my trusty sidekick which is how we got here. (S: Hello!) Truth be told, I didn't read Goosebumps as a kid or teen so this is an adventure for me on more than one level. (S: Omigosh same, I was a super scairdy cat!) I was an Enid Blyton and Agatha Christie (yes, even at that time) kind of reader.
Hello, Snarkers of the internet. I am so, so happy to be revisiting my absolute favorite show of the 90’s. My love for Joshua Jackson runs, to this day, as deep as it ever has. As does my hatred of Katie Holmes' acting abilities.
Kirsti: Shocker that the rest of the main quartet are now famous for their acting abilities while she's famous for having been married to a lunatic.
Kirsti: Shocker that the rest of the main quartet are now famous for their acting abilities while she's famous for having been married to a lunatic.
This chapter is called imprint and we're so far away from imprinting but I'm already throwing up in my mouth.
Catherine: It gets worse, guys. It always, always gets worse. Remember that.
Kirsti: Every time I think it can't possibly get worse, it gets much MUCH worse. So yeah.
Mari: We pick up one second after the end of the last chapter for whatever reason. Bella asks if Jake is okay since Charlie has basically been telling her how unokay he is. Also, she's probably also asking because of his giant wolf hands and emo letters.
Catherine: It gets worse, guys. It always, always gets worse. Remember that.
Kirsti: Every time I think it can't possibly get worse, it gets much MUCH worse. So yeah.
Mari: We pick up one second after the end of the last chapter for whatever reason. Bella asks if Jake is okay since Charlie has basically been telling her how unokay he is. Also, she's probably also asking because of his giant wolf hands and emo letters.
Hello! I am so very excited and honored to be writing for Snark Squad! Seriously thank you, Mari for letting me do this. And now I am so sorry for the endless parade of stupid you're all about to read. Blame it on my youth y'all! Also blame it on the fact that I have never seen the OC ever in my life. When the OC was in its prime, I was still singing along happily to Hannah Montana. (M: That makes me feel a wee bit old, in that strange, almost 30 kind of way...)(R: You're not old! I'm young!) On with the recap!
This chapter starts off amazingly well: "I was having a bad week." Bella, girl. You're having a bad LIFE. But guess what, y'all? Her bad week has very little to do with the fact that Victoria's back and everything to do with the fact that no one will turn her into a vampire several weeks ahead of schedule. She argues that being a weak little human person is a terrible idea with Victoria around, but the Cullen-Hales point out that there are seven of them versus one of Victoria and for some inexplicable reason, they all want Bella to stay safe.
CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!! (S: THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE DOOONE.)
That's right, friends. It's the final episode of the season, and that means it's time for the previouslies to take us right back to the beginning and remind us of all the major plot points from the past five seasons that may prove relevant here. But mostly it means a full minute of jamming to Kansas because I have not so secretly terrible taste in music.
That's right, friends. It's the final episode of the season, and that means it's time for the previouslies to take us right back to the beginning and remind us of all the major plot points from the past five seasons that may prove relevant here. But mostly it means a full minute of jamming to Kansas because I have not so secretly terrible taste in music.
So every chapter of this book is roughly 30 pages long so far. I want you to really think about that, friends. 30 pages. There are chapters in War and Peace that are shorter than that.
Anyway! This endless nonsense begins with Edward and Bella getting back to Forks from their trip to Florida. Now, I know what you're thinking. Edward and Bella went all the way to Florida on a trip that probably lasted days and Meyer had the restraint to leave it out!?
Anyway! This endless nonsense begins with Edward and Bella getting back to Forks from their trip to Florida. Now, I know what you're thinking. Edward and Bella went all the way to Florida on a trip that probably lasted days and Meyer had the restraint to leave it out!?
The previouslies show Tommen agreeing to be in the Cult Miltant, Cersei telling Jaime that he doesn't need to stick around because she's gonna have a trial by combat and she's already got a FrankenMountain for that, The Blackfish sassing Jaime, Sexy Septon getting killed and the Hound getting angry, and Arya getting stabbed a bunch.
Credits take us through King's Landing, Riverrun (woooo!), Winterfaux, Braavos and Meereen.
Credits take us through King's Landing, Riverrun (woooo!), Winterfaux, Braavos and Meereen.
Previously: Bella is off grounding, but Edward forbids her from seeing Jacob. — Annie: Bella is at school and she is not as miserable as she usually is. And it’s...
Hello! Welcome back. As ever, we are so happy to have you here and so not looking forward to the thing we voluntarily put ourselves through. The Internet is a strange place, my friends.
We start with the dedication:
Snort laugh when you see it.
Kirsti: I'm sure her kids are THRILLED to be included in the same dedication as... that.
Catherine: More evidence that Meyer doesn't know what words mean.
We start with the dedication:
Snort laugh when you see it.
Kirsti: I'm sure her kids are THRILLED to be included in the same dedication as... that.
Catherine: More evidence that Meyer doesn't know what words mean.
Thanks for your patience, Snark Nation! Mari is traveling around the world, recruiting soldiers for the Great War to come, so Catherine and I are going to finish this season up on our own and probably hold each other while we sob. Right? Right.
Catherine: It's so likely that I'm upgrading it from a probably to a definitely. Get ready to emotionally suffer!
Catherine: It's so likely that I'm upgrading it from a probably to a definitely. Get ready to emotionally suffer!
So we open in Iowa, at a fancy old person home hospital thing. Freaking Pestilence walks into an old lady's room. I dunno you guys, I had somehow convinced myself that all of the Pestilence stuff would be finished in the last episode and that I wouldn't have to recap him again. I was wrong. He sits down on the old lady's bed and acts all Good Doctor-y.
You guys, I'm really excited to be recapping this episode for one simple reason - this is the first episode of Doctor Who that I ever saw. I'd had friends telling me for years and years that I'd love it, that I had to watch it, that it was amazing. And I'd always been pretty meh about it. But one Saturday night in 2010, I was home alone in Canberra and had nothing to do (because I'm cool like that), and when ABC News finished, Doctor Who started. And I was still pretty meh about it, but was too lazy to get up and put a DVD on, so I watched it. Conveniently, this is one of those episodes like Blink that requires no prior knowledge of the show, so it was basically the perfect starting point.