As promised, these Segue Magic posts will now be once a week wrap-up posts. This one is kind of a doozy because we made a little scheduling switch. Sweeney's videos will be going up on Mondays, Kirsti's on Wednesday and mine will be up on Fridays.
Since we made that switch in the middle of a topic, we have a few more videos to share with you than normal, but for the most part, these posts will only feature three four-minute videos going forward. Basically what I'm saying is, "SORRY FOR SO MUCH OF OUR FACES!"
Annalise is in a hotel room somewhere, crying in bed. She gets up to grab some alcohol from the mini-bar, then we cut to her eating some delicious pasta, ignoring a call from Nate and hopping back into bed. We see this happen again and again- eat, drink, sleep drink- as title cards let us know that this is all taking place from Christmas to New Years. Plus, the show plays to its strengths and we get a few quality shots of Viola Davis's Tears.
Democracy Diva: First of all, there are worse ways to spend a holiday season. Second, I would wear the shit out of a perfume called Viola Davis's Tears.
Democracy Diva: First of all, there are worse ways to spend a holiday season. Second, I would wear the shit out of a perfume called Viola Davis's Tears.
A young woman runs along an abandoned dock at night in tiny shorts and a sports bra. I roll my eyes so hard they nearly fall out of their sockets because no woman on earth would go running alone at night dressed like that. (A: +1.) She stops to get a drink at a water fountain, then looks up when there's a crack of thunder. She sees a ghostly sailing ship float past, then vanish. She runs off, looking freaked out.
Cut to her house, where she's showering. Segue: does anybody actually do a shampoo advert style hair flip in the shower? Because I call bullshit. It just makes the ceiling wet and drippy.
Cut to her house, where she's showering. Segue: does anybody actually do a shampoo advert style hair flip in the shower? Because I call bullshit. It just makes the ceiling wet and drippy.
Yes, I'm doing another Gotham recap because we're real behind and Sweeney is "too busy" to do these recaps. Mmmhmm.
Kidding! I love Sweeney and am totally okay taking one for the team. I also expect an extra round or two of alcohol when I see her face in April. So.
Sweeney: I mean, you already resolved to steal all the wine all the time always because of some other thing that happened in some other recap. I don't really remember except that you're gonna steal wine and also I'm tired and now I'm also stalling because fuck this show. But yeah, sure, lots-o-booze, girl. Promise, promise.
Kidding! I love Sweeney and am totally okay taking one for the team. I also expect an extra round or two of alcohol when I see her face in April. So.
Sweeney: I mean, you already resolved to steal all the wine all the time always because of some other thing that happened in some other recap. I don't really remember except that you're gonna steal wine and also I'm tired and now I'm also stalling because fuck this show. But yeah, sure, lots-o-booze, girl. Promise, promise.
When we finished recapping the entire Fifty Shades series, Sweeney and I decided to record vlogs discussing our feelings about the project as a whole. Sweeney put together a lovely video that remains one of my favorite things ever. I... never did it. Blame some combination of permanent trauma and lack of words. After two years of recapping this series chapter by chapter, I had very little else to say.
This is probably my punishment, then, for having flaked out on that final vlog. Yes, I went to go see the movie and yes, I have more feelings than could truly be captured during my live-Tweeting, so yes, I'm doing the movie post.
This is probably my punishment, then, for having flaked out on that final vlog. Yes, I went to go see the movie and yes, I have more feelings than could truly be captured during my live-Tweeting, so yes, I'm doing the movie post.
Shrine O’Spielberg. Dawson is watching his Really Dumb Witch Island Movie. Joey climbs in the window just to make us all aggravated when the episode has barely begun. Dawson is nervous about an upcoming screening of his Laughably Terrible Witch Island Movie, but Joey reassures him that it's great and will help him make his dreams come true or some bullshit like that. (K: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Sure it will, Joey. Sure it will.)
Joey also helpfully exposits that she has acontrivance college tour this weekend where she’s staying with a random student.
Joey also helpfully exposits that she has a
Murder Warehouse. You can tell by the lighting. Fish is brought in and strapped to a table. She laughs a little even when the transport baddies introduce her to Bob, her torturer. Bob even does a little evil rubber glove snapping, because we need at least one cliche in the first minute, amIright?
Sweeney: We watch a lot of TV - this show is just trying to helpfully assure us that we're on the right show.
Mari: Jada Pinkett Smith and a cliche? Yep. Gotham.
Sweeney: We watch a lot of TV - this show is just trying to helpfully assure us that we're on the right show.
Mari: Jada Pinkett Smith and a cliche? Yep. Gotham.
We open in the imprinting room with Paul approaching and then curiously fondling the chair. He walks around it a bit before sitting down and making a constipated face.
Sweeney: Watching TV I often find myself wondering at the frequency with which the direction was clearly, "Now look real constipated!" This has to be on purpose. I refuse to believe this constipated face epidemic is pure coincidence.
Marines: Plus, the only reason to sit in the nefarious, mind wiping chair is because you are constipated and you need to sit ASAP because of discomfort.
Sweeney: Watching TV I often find myself wondering at the frequency with which the direction was clearly, "Now look real constipated!" This has to be on purpose. I refuse to believe this constipated face epidemic is pure coincidence.
Marines: Plus, the only reason to sit in the nefarious, mind wiping chair is because you are constipated and you need to sit ASAP because of discomfort.
We open at Versailles in the height of its opulence. Courtiers run and scream from an unseen threat. A man in a red velvet coat approaches a woman in a dress four times wider than she is, and tells her that they have to go. It's Sophia Myles, who I know better as Beth from Moonlight and Beth from Spooks. Also as Fanny Price's little sister from the Mansfield Park movie.
Marines: MOONLIGHT! It is my far away dream to recap some one-season-wonders a la Firefly, and Moonlight is way high on that list. Also, Sophia Myles was dating David Tennant at this point, which is fun.
Marines: MOONLIGHT! It is my far away dream to recap some one-season-wonders a la Firefly, and Moonlight is way high on that list. Also, Sophia Myles was dating David Tennant at this point, which is fun.
Maple Springs, New York. The tinkly orchestra tinkles as we pan across a billboard for a housing estate that starts "Once upon a time". You know, just in case you couldn't tell this was going to be fairy tale themed. We pan down further to the construction site where three somewhat chubby brothers are talking. There's a growly sound and one looks around. His brother pooh-poohs the noise, and the trio go back to arguing about whether they should be using cinder blocks or bricks rather than timber in the construction, because "One gust of wind and the whole place is gonna blow over!". Do you get who they are yet, or should the writers hit us with the obvious anvil a few more times?
I'M SORRY THIS IS LATE I AM THE WORST.
I have been an absentee blogger all-around lately (again, because I am the worst) but hopefully this is a thing I can stick with? I don't know. I edit videos all day at work and I found it weirdly irritating to look at my stupid face making all these annoying mistakes that are hard to edit around. I actually stopped mid-way through last night because UGH, MY OWN FACE.
I have been an absentee blogger all-around lately (again, because I am the worst) but hopefully this is a thing I can stick with? I don't know. I edit videos all day at work and I found it weirdly irritating to look at my stupid face making all these annoying mistakes that are hard to edit around. I actually stopped mid-way through last night because UGH, MY OWN FACE.
Welcome back to Shondaland! Let's see if the new year has brought us some new love for these characters. Probs not, though.
Marines: I like that you at least mentioned the possibility! That's positive.
Diva: I try.
We begin, as we always should, with a stripped-down, natural Annalise in front of the mirror. This is already so much better than any episode that starts with the murder!bonfire. The Voiceover Police question Annalise about why she thinks her husband murdered Lila. She explains that he's "missing."
Marines: I like that you at least mentioned the possibility! That's positive.
Diva: I try.
We begin, as we always should, with a stripped-down, natural Annalise in front of the mirror. This is already so much better than any episode that starts with the murder!bonfire. The Voiceover Police question Annalise about why she thinks her husband murdered Lila. She explains that he's "missing."
Yes, I'm gatecrashing Segue Magic now and you'll get to see my face every week. YOU'RE WELCOME, TRAUMATEERS. This isn't the first time I've gatecrashed Segue Magic. Back in 2013, I did a vlog or two over on my channel on the same topics that Mari and Sweeney were discussing on the Snark Squad channel. I just watched one of those back and PLEASE DON'T GO AND FIND THEM OH MY GOD, IT'S TERRIBLE. And largely unedited. And kind of like watching a video that was filmed with a potato.
Anyway.
Anyway.
We start at someplace called Camp Skylark. Prue is staring at a lake and she broods all the way into a flashback of the day Mama Halliwell drowned. We watch her being zipped up into a body bag, while Baby!Prue yells for her mommy. A police officer scoops her up, but then just puts her down within dead-mommy-viewing distance. Thanks a lot, cop. In the present, Prue is still crying and staring at the lake.
Stephanie: I had no idea this was how Mama Halliwell died. Was I supposed to?
Stephanie: I had no idea this was how Mama Halliwell died. Was I supposed to?
We open in a church at night, a priest and a nun tidying away the hymn books as the spooky indoor wind of spookiness messes with some candles.
Kirsti: Nuns, creepy music and spooky indoor wind? Always a good start...
Anna: They’re about to leave when a man on the balcony (Andy) claims that God isn’t with them—and if he is, he’s not a nice bloke. The priest tries to talk him down but Andy promptly shoots himself in the head. What a drama queen.
~~SATAN’S SCREENSAVER!~~
Kirsti: Nuns, creepy music and spooky indoor wind? Always a good start...
Anna: They’re about to leave when a man on the balcony (Andy) claims that God isn’t with them—and if he is, he’s not a nice bloke. The priest tries to talk him down but Andy promptly shoots himself in the head. What a drama queen.
~~SATAN’S SCREENSAVER!~~