The girls go through a box of toys and other Ali things at Rosewood's One Coffeeshop, reminding us about the missing bird, returned dead bestie's mother, and Hanna's future accused murderer mother. Everyone is unimpressed with Aria's latest teacher boyfriend.
Piper Mom is also there with her Coffee Shop Owning boyfriend. He's moving to Austria and wants her to come with him, but she can't because she has children. He wants her to "take motherhood off the table for a second" and Piper Mom doesn't in any way whatsoever respond that this is not how motherhood works. Is that why parenting is so bad in Rosewood? "I want to do a thing, but I'm a parent!" "Just, like, pretend you're not." "Perfect!"
I’m starting off my recap with a Grand Proclamation of Love. Don't worry, Ladies of Snark - you can keep your Seth Cohen, because I am all Ryan all the time. He can grab my face and movie star kiss me any day.
Like most episodes, we start off in the Cohen kitchen. While I love the Cohen house, this kitchen is far too small and ordinary for the setting. This always distracts me from what’s happening in the show. Where is the chandelier? Why is the room so small?
Like most episodes, we start off in the Cohen kitchen. While I love the Cohen house, this kitchen is far too small and ordinary for the setting. This always distracts me from what’s happening in the show. Where is the chandelier? Why is the room so small?
The episode begins, of course, with Dawson confessing his undying love for Pacey. In the greatest fan-service scene since Pacey's Braveheart monologue, we watch our least favorite leading man and our favorite leading man be totally gay together.
Kirsti: My notes specifically say "...does this count as queerbaiting???"
Diva: Dawson leans in like he's going to kiss Pacey, but then grabs his script and points out that Pacey missed a line. Because they're doing a dramatic reading of Dawson's script, with Pacey playing the girl. For rehearsal, even though neither of them plan on acting in this film. Okay, sure, show.
Kirsti: My notes specifically say "...does this count as queerbaiting???"
Diva: Dawson leans in like he's going to kiss Pacey, but then grabs his script and points out that Pacey missed a line. Because they're doing a dramatic reading of Dawson's script, with Pacey playing the girl. For rehearsal, even though neither of them plan on acting in this film. Okay, sure, show.
A black man sits down to dinner with his son when suddenly, some thugs (according to the episode description) break into the house. Thugs grab the boy and tell the dad that they're going to borrow him and will return him Monday. It's all rather polite right up until the Thug with the gun knocks the dad unconscious.
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe is painting her toenails in the attic, where her sisters are spring cleaning. Prue is doing most of it with her telekinesis. She hopes that doesn't count as personal gain and I'm already laughing bitterly. "Personal gain" might be this show's "soul."
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe is painting her toenails in the attic, where her sisters are spring cleaning. Prue is doing most of it with her telekinesis. She hopes that doesn't count as personal gain and I'm already laughing bitterly. "Personal gain" might be this show's "soul."
A police station in Baltimore. A detective grabs a fax off the machine, reads it, and tells the person he's talking to that he'll call them back. Cut to a SWAT team at the Motel of the Week. Cut back to Detective Cheap Suit [DCS] talking to a suspect in an interrogation room. He thought the suspect had just upped his game on the petty stuff, then they got a fax from St. Louis about Mystery Suspect killing someone. "So now we know Karen Giles wasn't the first person you murdered," he says. He pronouces Giles as Guylz, and I want to punch him in the face.
Across town, LINDA FREAKING BLAIR (better known as Regan from The Exorcist) and the SWAT team break down a motel room door. "Going somewhere, Sam?" she says.
Across town, LINDA FREAKING BLAIR (better known as Regan from The Exorcist) and the SWAT team break down a motel room door. "Going somewhere, Sam?" she says.
Veronica stares broodily at her shitty school holiday-themed dessert. Duncan sits down excitedly, but Veronica's got no time for happy and cuts right to the "Your comatose girlfriend is pregnant" chase. Duncan confesses that he found this out from reading Meg's letter, and Veronica's upset that Duncan didn't tell her. Dick arrives to break the tension by inviting them to a big holiday party, which Duncan can't attend. Dick also nonchalantly exposits that Meg woke up. (L: God bless Ryan Hansen for trying to make this exposition work.) Once Dick leaves, Veronica gets into PI mode, pulling out her VISITOR pass from the last episode, assuring Duncan that she can get them in to see the no-longer-comatose Meg.
Democracy Diva: And her superhero vampire slayer fetus that can survive explosions and bus crashes and comas.
Democracy Diva: And her superhero vampire slayer fetus that can survive explosions and bus crashes and comas.
Rosewood used to have One Restaurant but I think they gave up on that and started serving food in the One Coffee Shop. That's where we find our girls now. They exposit in the clunkiest ways possible the events of Wilden's murder and funeral. ("I was looking at that freaky woman!" "Which one?" "Oh, you know, the one with the veil we all saw and would definitely be described as freaky! REMEMBER?" Yes girls, we remember. Thank you.)
Sweeney: Next time we hang out I think we need to better prepare for the TV version of our lives by having long conversations about things we just did.
Sweeney: Next time we hang out I think we need to better prepare for the TV version of our lives by having long conversations about things we just did.
I’m going to have to start this thing out by admitting that I have never seen a single episode of The OC. I have no idea what it’s about. I know that there was a particularly large-eyed, sad looking girl on the show, and she later did makeup commercials, but beyond that, I’m not sure what the hell it’s about. Orange county, I assume. But I didn’t bother watching other episodes or catching up in any way.
Sweeney: While we're at it, I should inform the readers that having all of the "never seen another episode" recappers at the end of the season like this was PURE ACCIDENT. Also a lot of fun. A very fun accident.
Lorraine: We did have one or two "never seen another episode" folk specifically request a later episode though. Like they were thinking, "what is the most confused I can be? Sign me up for that." All of the fun.
Sweeney: While we're at it, I should inform the readers that having all of the "never seen another episode" recappers at the end of the season like this was PURE ACCIDENT. Also a lot of fun. A very fun accident.
Lorraine: We did have one or two "never seen another episode" folk specifically request a later episode though. Like they were thinking, "what is the most confused I can be? Sign me up for that." All of the fun.
Shrine o' Spielberg. Jen's reading Dawson's movie script while he freaks out in the background. When she finishes, he asks what she thinks, and she says "The truth truth or the what-Dawson-wants-to-hear truth?", which is totally legit. He assumes this means she hates it. She assures him that she doesn't hate it, but that it's fluff. I laugh hysterically because let's be perfectly honest here - Dawson is writing real person fan fic about him and Joey, and it is 10,000% fluff. Dawson gets offended, which only gets worse when Jen says that the script felt naive.
He rambles about "the age of innocence," and this officially sounds like the worst fan fic on the face of the earth, except maybe ones that are written in the second person.
Democracy Diva: And, you know, Fifty Shades of Grey.
He rambles about "the age of innocence," and this officially sounds like the worst fan fic on the face of the earth, except maybe ones that are written in the second person.
Democracy Diva: And, you know, Fifty Shades of Grey.
Prue and Phoebe are shopping when the shop owner tells them she wants to close up. Prue thought the shop was open until 1am, and usually it is, but not on the eve of Friday the 13th. Dawson Leery might be around the corner, waiting to scare you because he likes you. Prue tries to rush Phoebe along as the shop owner looks nervously at the clock. Phoebe quickly decides on a good luck charm.
At the register, Phoebe asks Prue to pay for her charm. The shop owner asks them to sign up for her mailing list and tells them about a Wicca gathering for the spring equinox. Prue says they never said they were witches and the shop owner gives them excellent, "bitch, please." eyes.
At the register, Phoebe asks Prue to pay for her charm. The shop owner asks them to sign up for her mailing list and tells them about a Wicca gathering for the spring equinox. Prue says they never said they were witches and the shop owner gives them excellent, "bitch, please." eyes.
Okay, so I first saw this episode like two months after reading Devil in the White City. I barricaded myself in my bedroom after it aired. Is that a spoiler? Whatever. Also, I feel like I need to tell you guys that I'm not intentionally picking Dean gifs over Sam gifs. The internet apparently just loves Dean more... Anyway, let's get to the episode, shall we?
Philadelphia. A young blonde complains over the phone about the flickering lights in her apartment and orders the super to come deal with it. She notices black goo pouring from a light switch, and goes over to investigate. She peers at the light switch and a bloodshot eye appears inside the wall. She screams, which is legit.
FLAME ON!
Philadelphia. A young blonde complains over the phone about the flickering lights in her apartment and orders the super to come deal with it. She notices black goo pouring from a light switch, and goes over to investigate. She peers at the light switch and a bloodshot eye appears inside the wall. She screams, which is legit.
FLAME ON!
We begin with Health Teacher Ms. Hauser introducing Phase 2 of Neptune High Sex Ed: Fancy fake babies that know when you're being a negligent parent! They must just cry nonstop in Traumaland.
Also, in my high school, we just had eggs, not babies with memory chips. We named ours Mr. Feeny, and I dropped him on the floor when I got jostled in our stupid over-crowded hallways. Anyway, before Veronica and Duncan can get their fake baby on, she gets called down to the vice principal's office.
Lorraine: We got eggs except for like four babies which two random couples would be stuck with. I left my egg baby in a classroom the opening weekend of our performing arts group's show and when I came back on Monday, someone had cracked it and stolen the Beenie Baby from it's basket. I was most upset about the Beenie Baby.
Also, in my high school, we just had eggs, not babies with memory chips. We named ours Mr. Feeny, and I dropped him on the floor when I got jostled in our stupid over-crowded hallways. Anyway, before Veronica and Duncan can get their fake baby on, she gets called down to the vice principal's office.
Lorraine: We got eggs except for like four babies which two random couples would be stuck with. I left my egg baby in a classroom the opening weekend of our performing arts group's show and when I came back on Monday, someone had cracked it and stolen the Beenie Baby from it's basket. I was most upset about the Beenie Baby.
The episode picks up where the last one left off and I'm actually kind of glad we're not watching real time because if I had to wait months to see them open the trunk for this big reveal, I'd be pissed. The trunk contents? A dead pig. That's it. This fucking show.
Lorraine: Mother of all curb-hangers.
Sweeney: The girls start to blame Mona for setting them up, but crazy bitch actually the only one thinking smart - she's stealing the hard drive with the video of Ashley Marin running over Detective Wilden.
Lorraine: Mother of all curb-hangers.
Sweeney: The girls start to blame Mona for setting them up, but crazy bitch actually the only one thinking smart - she's stealing the hard drive with the video of Ashley Marin running over Detective Wilden.
Shrine O'Spielberg. Pacey is eating pizza and generally pissing Dawson off by noting that everyone in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington is totally dead right now. After a discussion about how Dawson is Richie Cunningham Jimmy Stewart every nice guy in film/TV history, Jen stumbles in and collapses on Dawson's bed, wasted. This scene basically just establishes that Jen is back to her hot mess Big City Girl ways, and Pacey likes pizza, because it's yummy.
Kirsti: That Pacey. Always the sensible one...
Kirsti: That Pacey. Always the sensible one...
Forewarning: I've never seen a single episode of The OC until right now. And I'm starting with Episode 23 so I'm sure it's going to make total sense. From what I understand, it's about a bunch of rich white dudes, maybe in a blended family, set in California (arguably one of my least favorite states) (S: REALLY? SADZ.), and deals with rich people problems like sex, drugs, and alcohol.
Totally like my life.
Let's do this.
Totally like my life.
Let's do this.