The Tale of the Phantom Cab
Lorraine: As part of our continued Halloween-themed posting, we will be covering a handful of Are You Afraid of the Dark episodes. We won’t be going in order, but I figured I’d start with the very first episode because at least that way the show will do all the exposition for me. Thanks show! You shouldn’t have.
We open with a shot of a blazing campfire, the Spooky Strings of Spooky Things playing in the background. “We’re called The Midnight Society,” says a disembodied voice and I immediately think, “but is it really midnight and if yes, where the heck are your parents,” proving once and for all that I am now old.
The voice becomes attached to some kid we’ll call White-n-Nerdy, until they otherwise remind me of his name. White-n-Nerdy keeps narrating that all the kids of the Midnight Society are different. As he’s saying this, we are panning across of the faces of other particularly 90’s looking children. One thing ties these children together and it isn’t the fact that they don’t have a bed time- it’s the fact that each week they gather to tell each other scary stories. White-n-Nerdy says we are about to step into the Supernatural. With a lot less of this:
And more of this:
On cue, some kid brings in another kid, who is blindfolded, feisty and some sort of minority. He is a nominee for the Midnight Society, and he will be the one telling tonight’s story. They all sit around the campfire and Fiesty Minority whose name is Frank, says, “submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society…” Kid #2 throws something on the fire to make it grow. The Internet has told me this is either sand, potassium nitrate or MAGIC. “I call this story the tale of the phantom cab.”
Our story within a story starts with the introduction of two brothers, Denny and Buzz. Denny is strong and cool and Buzz is a geek. We’d know this even without the narration because Buzz is wearing an- ew- backpack and Denny makes a fist for no apparent reason. It’s also really great that they are on a hiking trip and little, nerdy Buzz seems to be carrying all the equipment.
Buzz is looking at compass and saying things like, “this is whacked!” in a high-pitched, DID WE MENTION HE’S A GEEK sort of voice. Denny is yelling at him for getting them lost. It is at this point that Buzz falls of the edge of whatever earth formation they are on. Denny tries to help his brother up and he yells, “Grab [my hand] you jerk!” Welp. That’s one way to save a life. Denny pulls Buzz safely up. Buzz beams that he saved the compass and Denny says, “I should’ve let you fall.”
So, we’re in the outdoors, right? Prime territory for Youth Mauling Bear to shut this little prick up, is all I’m saying.
It’s getting dark and cold. Meanwhile, their parents don’t give a fuck. I’m implying that last part.
Buzz is looking at the compass again, saying that it makes no sense, because they are heading south as they should be, but are still lost. Denny notices that he’s holding the compass next to his metal belt buckle, though, meaning that the magnet in the compass is going to always point toward his crotch. I laugh forever.
The brothers see a flashlight light approaching them and hope it’s a park ranger or someone who can show them back to town. “Or maybe it’s a murderer,” Buzz says and he knows what’s up. The guy carrying the flashlight says he isn’t a ranger and that’s he’s “a traveler” like they are. He’s also sort of lost, but he knows these woods too well to ever be really lost. The brothers don’t find this statement disturbing.
Forest Creeper tells them that they should follow him and he’ll lead them to someone who can help. Buzz doesn’t want to follow because Forest Creeper gives him the creeps. Denny is confident that in case of emergency, or murder, he can take on the Forest Creeper.
The FC leads them to a very fairy-tale-esque cabin and tells them that before they ask the doctor for help, they should be sure they need it because the price for his assistance can be steep. UH. You might’ve mentioned that before you led us deeper into the woods, asshole. FC laughs maniacally and disappears.
The grass starts rattling around them, and the ground starts laughing at them, and suddenly the trees are smoking and other creepy woods things commence. Spooked, the brothers run up to the cabin and bang on the door. It’s opened by Bargain Priced Robin Williams in Jumanji.
He pushes the kids inside and it’s some sort of lab of evil-doing. BPRW introduces himself as Dr. Vink and the Flutes of Whimsical Leprechauns starts playing in the background and I am very confused. Vink starts babbling about nature and the brains of wild boars or some crap, I don’t even know. Point is the boys want to go home ’cause their parents (suuuuuuuure) must be worried about them. Vink says that first they must answer his riddles.
“How far can you walk into the woods?”
Snark Squad answers: It depends, is Christian Grey following you? Because you won’t get very far if he is.
Secondary answer: LOL. The woods. Not.
Correct Answer: Halfway. After that you are walking out of the woods. Buzz gets it right.
Denny is all, “this is redic” and wants to call their parents but Dr. Vink threatens to cut the phone line. The boys must play by his rules which means another riddle. If they answer correctly, they get to call their parents. If not, then they must leave.
“What is it that has no weight, can be seen by the naked eye and if you put it in a barrel, it would make the barrel lighter?”
Buzz doesn’t know the answer so Vink says goodbye and dismisses them, “like all the others.” He sends them off with directions to a nearby path where a taxi cab will be mysteriously picking them up in the middle of the woods. After Dr. Vink says that he might reconsider letting them use his phone if they left him a specimen (like, a hand) the boys scream and finally get freaked enough to run away.
Outside, the mid-wood taxi cab appears and the boys are all, “yeah. Absolutely. Let’s totally get in,” and they do, because they deserve to die for being stupid. Turns out the driver is Forest Creeper, now with 10x more white, powdery make-up. He explains that 40 years ago, he drove Dr. Vink into the woods in his cab. Vink promised him a big tip if he could solve the riddle, but he couldn’t. At some point after that, Forest Creeper crashed his cab into a tree, and as he cracks his head back Exorcist style, informs us that he died. Also, the hand-in-a-jar Dr. Vink showed us once belonged to him. So now, he brings people to Vink to see if they can solve the riddle and break the curse. If they don’t, they die.
Cool.
Forest Creeper is now speeding them to their death, saying they have 30 seconds left to solve the riddle or else boom, crash! Buzz repeats the clues like 87 times before he yells that he’s figured it out! The answer is a hole in the barrel: it’s weightless, can be seen with the naked eye and would make the barrel lighter. The cab keeps hurtling toward a tree but at the last second, it disappears and the boys land safely on the ground. They did it! They broke the curse.
Another vehicle approaches, but this time it’s a forest ranger who informs them that their parents (riiiiiiight) have been looking all over for them, but apparently not all over the forest. They hop into the Jeep as the narration tells us that no one ever saw the phantom cab again and that when Buzz and Denny brought the police Back to Dr. Vinks cabin, all that was left was a stone foundation and weeds.
The End.
All the Midnight Society kids all look at each other with SCA-RY facial expressions and I really just feel sad for them. They all vote Frank into the Midnight Society, because apparently this was an amazing story?
The lesson of this tale is one we are fond of here abouts: do not go into the woods. But, I mean, if you are there I would generally avoid these things: holding the compass next to your crotch, following strange men around the woods, entering strange cabins, answering riddles and getting into mid-wood taxis. I mean, unless you want to get raped and/or murdered.
Next time: A stupid kid robs a clown nose and gets stalked in Are You Afraid of the Dark S01 E02 – The Tale of Laughing in the Dark.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
