We open with a close up of an iron pentagram, then pan down to see that Sam and Ruby 2.0 have a demon tied up underneath it. Sam asks where Lilith is, and the demon sasses at him. We then get in a double dose of misogyny shots when the demon says that Sam's "slutting around" with Ruby and then calls her a bitch. Not even 30 seconds in and we're two shots down. It's going to be a long road, friends...
Marines: At this rate, though, we won't even feel it.
K: Thank Heaven for small mercies.
Sam does his angry nostril twitch and holds his hand out. The demon pukes up black smoke, which burns away into the floor.
I was nine years old in 1997, when Spiceworld marched into theaters with the ferocity and panache of Posh Spice at choreography boot camp. For those who were not a child, tween, or teen in the late 90s, you may not be able to understand why this movie even exists. But insane as it is, I promise you, there was a market for this insanity, and I was IT. I know every word to every song in this "film" (ironic quotations marks required), and to me, it is prime snarking fodder. Let us begin!
A bus pulls into Rosewood. Aria, Hanna, Spencer, Emily and Alison get off. Ali hesitates at the last step and tries to run back on, but Emily stops her telling her that A is gone and she doesn’t need to run anymore. So, if I remember correctly, they think A is dead because Shana is dead. But didn’t they have that in-the-park A rave too? Apparently they have blocked that out. I, however, have not. That was about the most memorable thing last episode, aside from Shana dying from falling like 2 feet off the stage.
The happiest two seconds of the entire series happen when an EMT says Ezra's pulse is getting weaker. The only one who is sad about this is Aria. Her friends hold her back and tell her she shouldn't go with Ezra to the hospital because then the pesky cops will start asking her questions. Apparently, no one from the NYPD notices Aria hyperventilating after Ezra; they are busy questioning Noel Khan. Alison is on a fire escape, watching the ambulance ride by. A is-- TRUE STORY-- riding on the top of the ambulance like some kind of extra-deranged Spider-Man. I hate this show.
The Core Four are sitting in the diner, with Summer lamenting Ryan and Marissa’s expulsions from Harbor. Ryan and Marissa try to tell her it won’t be that bad, but Summer says it will be for Seth, seeing how before Ryan, he was bullied by people who called him “Death Breath Seth,” and Marissa’s like, uh, YOU called him that. Summer ignores that and says this was supposed to be the best year ever. All Ryan and Marissa want is to go back to school, but Summer tells them it’ll be okay as long as they stick together.
We start in the Cohen kitchen, where it looks like rabid raccoons have just finished having a banquet. Haha, nope. The kitchen is filthy because the lady of the house has been away, and we all know only women know how to keep a kitchen clean. (M: It's coded in that extra X chromosome. #science)
Sandy Eyebrows Cohen is expressing how important it is for them all to still eat together as a family because it’s a special day for Seth and Ryan; the first day of their senior year.
Sandy Eyebrows Cohen is expressing how important it is for them all to still eat together as a family because it’s a special day for Seth and Ryan; the first day of their senior year.
Seattle, one year ago. A grandfather is greeted at the door by his grandson, who asks if his grandfather has brought Christmas presents. The grandfather is all "Pff, NO" because that's Santa's job. After the kid's asleep, the grandfather dresses up as Santa and rings a set of bells. The kid sneaks down the stairs and watches as Grandpa Santa puts presents under the tree. There's a thump on the roof, and the kid excitedly whispers to himself that it must be reindeer. Some soot falls down the chimney, and Grandpa Santa looks over in surprise before going closer to investigate. Obviously, something grabs him and drags him up the chimney with a series of crunching sounds.
Hello! Deciding to guest write for Snark Squad was a slightly terrifying choice to make (all that EFFORT!), but it should be fun. My background with the OC only goes back to September of 2012 with SS's first OC post, so this show is all new to me. Onto the craziness!
After the previouslies we fade into nighttime with Seth going into the pool house to wake up/bother Ryan. Or I guess it's more to scare him awake because Ryan shoots up pretty quickly.
After the previouslies we fade into nighttime with Seth going into the pool house to wake up/bother Ryan. Or I guess it's more to scare him awake because Ryan shoots up pretty quickly.
Spencer is in her room unpacking the bag she took to rehab and snapping at her mom. She apologizes and says that she's just irritable because of that whole 'kicking her drug habit' thing. Mariska Mom takes it in stride, which is the least she can do after being a horrible mother 95% of the time. Spencer has some weird flashbacks to the night Ali died and her mom suggests she get some rest.
Jessica: Well, PLL solved Spencer's rehab the same way Gotham solves everything — skip to the end.
Jessica: Well, PLL solved Spencer's rehab the same way Gotham solves everything — skip to the end.
Welcome back to Shondaland! Let's see if the new year has brought us some new love for these characters. Probs not, though.
Marines: I like that you at least mentioned the possibility! That's positive.
Diva: I try.
We begin, as we always should, with a stripped-down, natural Annalise in front of the mirror. This is already so much better than any episode that starts with the murder!bonfire. The Voiceover Police question Annalise about why she thinks her husband murdered Lila. She explains that he's "missing."
Marines: I like that you at least mentioned the possibility! That's positive.
Diva: I try.
We begin, as we always should, with a stripped-down, natural Annalise in front of the mirror. This is already so much better than any episode that starts with the murder!bonfire. The Voiceover Police question Annalise about why she thinks her husband murdered Lila. She explains that he's "missing."
Aria cries as she fills her friends in on the ever-increasing creepiness of Ezra Fitz. See, he didn't kiss a random girl and THEN find out she was 16. He knew all along that she was a minor but he's awful and decided to exploit her anyway. Additionally, he had a "brief" relationship with Alison when she was 14. So. I actually just got really, really gaggy.
Sara: It seems like the word 'relationship' is not really accurate considering it was between a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD and a grown man in college. Gross gross gross gross.
Sara: It seems like the word 'relationship' is not really accurate considering it was between a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD and a grown man in college. Gross gross gross gross.
We open, as always, in the Shrine o' Spielberg where Pacey and Jen are making out. DUDE, NO. Who breaks into their best friend's house (although given the ladder, it's not REALLY breaking in, I guess??) to make out in their bed? Gross.
Democracy Diva: Also, pick a sexier room than the Shrine O'Spielberg to make out in. Avoid having E.T. watch you do the nasty at all costs.
K: Truth.
Anyway, the making out stops because they agree that they still have zero sexual interest in the other person. They discuss their past history and how everything should be falling into place because they came prepared (Pacey flashes condoms) and picked the perfect location (ugh).
Democracy Diva: Also, pick a sexier room than the Shrine O'Spielberg to make out in. Avoid having E.T. watch you do the nasty at all costs.
K: Truth.
Anyway, the making out stops because they agree that they still have zero sexual interest in the other person. They discuss their past history and how everything should be falling into place because they came prepared (Pacey flashes condoms) and picked the perfect location (ugh).
Imprint room. Echo is in the chair and Paul is nearby A smarmy handler, who I probably just think is smarmy because he kind of looks like the guy who raped Sierra (S: He also wiggles his brows around all creepy-like when he talks), tells Echo she's got a big day. She gives the appropriate blank reaction and gets lowered for the imprint. Paul is worried about Echo glitching, as we're back in the regular timeline, probably soon after the Omega stuff. Topher is his usual, "nothing can go wrong! It'll be great!" self, and it's weird to have Paul being the voice of, "you sure?" and not Dominic or Boyd. Where's Boyd?
Sweeney: "WHERE'S BOYD?" INDEED. "Needs More Boyd" is a general note I have for most of always.
Sweeney: "WHERE'S BOYD?" INDEED. "Needs More Boyd" is a general note I have for most of always.
It’s been nearly two months since I last wrote a Gotham recap, but it still feels like this one came around far too quickly. I know Sweeney and Mari have been feeling really guilty about asking me to recap this show with them, and all I can say is…
Spencer, Emily, and Hanna are breaking into EzrA's classroom in the middle of the day (Saturday? School day? Who knows.) to try to find something that will convince Aria that Ezra is a lying liar who lies. It's cool that they're already prepared for Aria being an asshole who's going to be all, "NU UH" about it.
Marines: "HE DOESN'T LIE. Only to people who would care he's dating his student, duh."
Sara: Spencer finds an envelope with Ali's journal in it, so they take off with it. Before they can leave, they hear footsteps approaching and watch as Mona lets herself in to Ezra's classroom.
Marines: "HE DOESN'T LIE. Only to people who would care he's dating his student, duh."
Sara: Spencer finds an envelope with Ali's journal in it, so they take off with it. Before they can leave, they hear footsteps approaching and watch as Mona lets herself in to Ezra's classroom.