Lucky me, I get the aftermath of the breakup! -_-
Marines: Bad news for us all: the aftermath of the breakup is basically the entire rest of this book.
K: Hooray.
In typical SMeyer fashion, we can't just read about time passing. No, no. We have to do it in the most dramatic style possible: four pages, each with a month written in the middle of it. Because, like, Bella has zero life without Edward. Geddit?
Is anyone else going to spend the next eternity with that stupid song lodged in their brain on an endless loop, or is that just me?
Anyway. Alliance, Nebraska. A college aged girl sits way too close to the TV, brushing her hair. There's a noise from the back of the room. She looks around, a little freaked, and the music gets all "OMG WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN THIS IS SO TENSE!!" as she walks slowly towards a big cupboard. She pulls open the door, and the kid she's babysitting is in there, pretending to be dead. He's got one of those fake arrow headbands on, and has covered himself in tomato sauce. (That's ketchup to you, America.)
Anyway. Alliance, Nebraska. A college aged girl sits way too close to the TV, brushing her hair. There's a noise from the back of the room. She looks around, a little freaked, and the music gets all "OMG WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN THIS IS SO TENSE!!" as she walks slowly towards a big cupboard. She pulls open the door, and the kid she's babysitting is in there, pretending to be dead. He's got one of those fake arrow headbands on, and has covered himself in tomato sauce. (That's ketchup to you, America.)
CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! That's right, friends. It's the season finale.
Marines: My first one! High fives all around!
K: WOO! Only a million to go!! *cries*
Marines: My first one! High fives all around!
K: WOO! Only a million to go!! *cries*
We open with a few quick establishing shots of various Gotham residents: Bruce is asleep on the sofa, his murder-investigation notebook open on his lap. Penguin is proudly watching his mother singing on stage in his new club. Fish wakes up on the floor of her prison and claps her hands, giving her fellow captives permission to get up and drink some water.
Clocktower Apartment and OH, GOODIE. Barbara’s back. (M: NOOOOOO.) She arrives home wearing a sexy black dress to find Selina and Ivy camped out in the living room. Selina explains that Jim dropped off his keys last week.
Clocktower Apartment and OH, GOODIE. Barbara’s back. (M: NOOOOOO.) She arrives home wearing a sexy black dress to find Selina and Ivy camped out in the living room. Selina explains that Jim dropped off his keys last week.
We open in Cicero, Indiana where a (presumably divorced) father is dropping his daughter home. Something’s clearly got her spooked, as she runs straight to her mum—according to dad, she pitched a fit. She missed her mother and doesn’t want to stay at her dad’s any more. “He’s mean, and there are monsters there,” she complains—her mother comforts her, as we cut to the dad’s house.
Like most homeowners in this series, the dad seems to have a Basement Of Don’t Go In There, and – bonus! – it’s filled with lots of woodwork tools. This can only end well. He’s making a wooden rocking horse, which is one leg away from completion - is that for his daughter? ‘Cause if so no wonder she doesn't want to stay with him, he’s hilariously out of touch; she’s about five years too old for a rocking horse.
Like most homeowners in this series, the dad seems to have a Basement Of Don’t Go In There, and – bonus! – it’s filled with lots of woodwork tools. This can only end well. He’s making a wooden rocking horse, which is one leg away from completion - is that for his daughter? ‘Cause if so no wonder she doesn't want to stay with him, he’s hilariously out of touch; she’s about five years too old for a rocking horse.
A van pulls up outside a gorgeous but slightly creepy mansion-turned-hotel. Inside, a woman gives the driver instructions on the boxes he's to collect while he nostalgia-mopes about the hotel closing down because his parents and grandparents got engaged there. She has no fucks to give. He heads upstairs as two girls in slightly oldy-worldy outfits watch from the landing.
One complains about Van Guy taking their toys, but the mother says there are plenty of other toys to play with.
Cut to Tyler, the younger of the two girls, playing with a creepy-ass dollhouse that's a scale model of the hotel.
One complains about Van Guy taking their toys, but the mother says there are plenty of other toys to play with.
Cut to Tyler, the younger of the two girls, playing with a creepy-ass dollhouse that's a scale model of the hotel.
A black man sits down to dinner with his son when suddenly, some thugs (according to the episode description) break into the house. Thugs grab the boy and tell the dad that they're going to borrow him and will return him Monday. It's all rather polite right up until the Thug with the gun knocks the dad unconscious.
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe is painting her toenails in the attic, where her sisters are spring cleaning. Prue is doing most of it with her telekinesis. She hopes that doesn't count as personal gain and I'm already laughing bitterly. "Personal gain" might be this show's "soul."
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe is painting her toenails in the attic, where her sisters are spring cleaning. Prue is doing most of it with her telekinesis. She hopes that doesn't count as personal gain and I'm already laughing bitterly. "Personal gain" might be this show's "soul."
Spencer is sitting alone in the common area at Radley when the PLLs drop by. It appears to be well past visiting hours, but Radley's just making shit up as she goes. Anyway, the PLLs dropped by to let her know that they have good news, but they have a really interesting interpretation of "good news" because that news is that the cops found a camper's body. I mean, yay for Toby, but also sucks for that camper and his family, you know?
Lorraine: Plus, they seem to have missed the part where Spencer is in there because she saw Toby's body. "Good news, your boyfriend is alive, but you are DEFINITELY crazy!" Thanks, girls! Nice way to start the episode.
Lorraine: Plus, they seem to have missed the part where Spencer is in there because she saw Toby's body. "Good news, your boyfriend is alive, but you are DEFINITELY crazy!" Thanks, girls! Nice way to start the episode.
We open in Dawson's Shrine o' Spielberg. A black and white movie comes to an end on the TV, and Joey's all "Cool, BYE." She claims it's because her sister's baby is due like NOW and she needs to help out. Dawson whines that they never watch just one movie on movie night, and she replies that there's a first time for everything. Like, for instance, Third Wheel Jen being there. Poor Jen - the actual girlfriend - looks hella awkward and is perched on a chair next to the bed, further proving that Dawson Leery is a douchebag. DUDE. Make some room on the bed for her.
<br:
Democracy Diva: I am so glad the seating arrangements bothered you as much as they bothered me. If any two people are sharing the bed, shouldn't it be the people actually dating?
A young woman (Allison) walks through a garden having lots of feelings. We know this because she touches a rose and sighs. She's met by a man (Elliot) who hands her a white rose. She says they've spent lots of time planning their wedding and she doesn't want anything to go wrong.
Their kiss is interrupted by a woman with an uptight hairdo, asking Elliot, her son, about the marriage certificate. They couple has plans to get it handled the next day but Mommy Uptight wants them to do it RIGHT NOW. Elliot asks what her deal is, but she doesn't answer because the soundtrack just whooshed at her.
Their kiss is interrupted by a woman with an uptight hairdo, asking Elliot, her son, about the marriage certificate. They couple has plans to get it handled the next day but Mommy Uptight wants them to do it RIGHT NOW. Elliot asks what her deal is, but she doesn't answer because the soundtrack just whooshed at her.
I'm going to start by saying that this episode gives me the wiggins.
We open with a shot of a creepyass painting of a family c.1910: husband, wife, three kids, cut throat razor. You know, the usual. The camera zooms out as a slightly tipsy couple in formal wear discuss their terrible decision to purchase said painting at a charity auction courtesy of said charity auction's open bar. They make out a little and the guy tells his wife he'll lock up and meet her in the bedroom. She giggles her way upstairs as the zoomy cameraman shows us the painting again. We see the Painted!Father's head turn towards Drinking Leads To Bad Decisions Guy, who locks the doors and sets the alarm.
We open with a shot of a creepyass painting of a family c.1910: husband, wife, three kids, cut throat razor. You know, the usual. The camera zooms out as a slightly tipsy couple in formal wear discuss their terrible decision to purchase said painting at a charity auction courtesy of said charity auction's open bar. They make out a little and the guy tells his wife he'll lock up and meet her in the bedroom. She giggles her way upstairs as the zoomy cameraman shows us the painting again. We see the Painted!Father's head turn towards Drinking Leads To Bad Decisions Guy, who locks the doors and sets the alarm.
Who gets the puppet episode? THIS GIRL.
I'm pretty pumped, but first, I wouldn't be a true Snark Lady if I didn't say that puppets will always and forever remind me of Goosebumps, and that one time we thought it'd be an awesome idea to cover all three Night of the Living Dummy books. (It was an awesome idea.)
Sweeney: Night of the Living Dummy is Traumaland's One True Puppet.
Lor: Always and forever. On to the episode: While the screen is still black, some jaunty, cartoonish music greets us. It's coming from a TV show that features (BIG REVEAL) puppets!
I'm pretty pumped, but first, I wouldn't be a true Snark Lady if I didn't say that puppets will always and forever remind me of Goosebumps, and that one time we thought it'd be an awesome idea to cover all three Night of the Living Dummy books. (It was an awesome idea.)
Sweeney: Night of the Living Dummy is Traumaland's One True Puppet.
Lor: Always and forever. On to the episode: While the screen is still black, some jaunty, cartoonish music greets us. It's coming from a TV show that features (BIG REVEAL) puppets!
Dusty planet. Two people are hanging up some laundry when they notice five men on horseback and a hovercraft of some sort approaching. The girl calls out to "Nandi" and from within the house covered in tin foil, Julie Cooper exits. You may recognize her from any number of other things, including The Vampire Diaries, Entourage or Nakita. You might even know her name is Melinda Clarke. But, like, Julie Cooper.
Sweeney: JULIE COOPER!!
Sara: I KNEW I KNEW HER!
Sweeney: JULIE COOPER!!
Sara: I KNEW I KNEW HER!
The previouslies suggest that Gwen is coming back, so I'm trying to keep that in mind as I watch this scene in which Cordevilia comes clean about her pregnancy in the Maternity Outfit of Evil and the gang is totally oblivious to her Bad Girl Styling. I know there's no leather, but this is like the fashion equivalent of the Big Book of Villain Gloating. I CAN'T EVEN. WAKE UP, FANG GANG. They're too busy fussing about how quickly she's developed, though Wesley is quick to point out that this isn't Cordelia's first mystical pregnancy rodeo and she came to term the same night on her last go-round. Cordevila takes offense to that comparison because she loves this baby. To be fair, Cordelia loved her hellspawn during pregnancy the last time around too. Connor's reassuring stance by her side doesn't do the NOT A HELLSPAWN! argument any favors.
It's still raining hell fire. Angel turns away from where he's been watching Cordy and Connor... You know. He takes out his legit anger out on a nearby door. There is lots of off screen angry grunting and punching.
Sweeney: This is our way of letting you know that you missed nothing when you were leaning over dry heaving.
Kirsti: Seriously, all you missed was a dude in need of anger management therapy.
Sweeney: This is our way of letting you know that you missed nothing when you were leaning over dry heaving.
Kirsti: Seriously, all you missed was a dude in need of anger management therapy.