This book is absolutely taking over bookish communities right now. I read it, in good faith, because I heard good reviews even before it was published. I hated it. It is in fact so bad that it can be snarked, chapter by chapter. Hello, welcome.
It starts with a Bible verse.
Sorry, sorry, I just feel like this book is already taking itself too seriously, but okay.
Kirsti: Technically, it starts with a dedication to her sister Emily, "without whose enthusiasm this story might still be unfinished." DAMMIT, EMILY. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
Mari: Perhaps when we get particularly frustrated with the story, we can just yell, "EMILY."
Onward to the preface. An unidentified someone says she has never given much thought to how she would die, but had she thought about it, she wouldn't have imagined this. Let's just call this unidentified person Bella, okay?
Sorry, sorry, I just feel like this book is already taking itself too seriously, but okay.
Kirsti: Technically, it starts with a dedication to her sister Emily, "without whose enthusiasm this story might still be unfinished." DAMMIT, EMILY. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
Mari: Perhaps when we get particularly frustrated with the story, we can just yell, "EMILY."
Onward to the preface. An unidentified someone says she has never given much thought to how she would die, but had she thought about it, she wouldn't have imagined this. Let's just call this unidentified person Bella, okay?
The title of this chapter is 'Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock', which is appropriate because I can feel my life slipping away as I read it. (K: Samesies.) (A: Ditto.)
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
Hi everyone, time for the potted history of The OC and me- I LOVE this show! At age 17, this was my life. I laughed, I cried, I flunked my AS levels due to bingeing on the boxsets instead of studying. I even wrote an article about it for my school magazine entitled “The OC: why we’ve all gone Obsessive Compulsive over Orange County.” I’m actually not allowed to watch any of the dramatic episodes, or the final episode, because I cry so much that my sister always rushes in from wherever she is to see if I’ve finally impaled myself on one of the glass swans that my parents are so fond of. (I’m very clumsy, it could happen.)
Just a couple disclaimers for anyone who doesn't read the comments: I have been looking forward approximately forever for Willa Holland, because Thea Queen, and was so excited to get to her episodes that I kinda sorta wanted her to destroy the core four's world. THAT SHE DID MY FRIENDS. So I may be just a bit biased on rooting for Kaitlin's terrible decisions. Second - because she is not /technically/ part of the main cast yet, I'm totally calling her Young Thea.
We continue on immediately after Cas dropping his "we're gonna kill Anna" bombshell, and the boys demand to know why because she's an innocent girl. Uriel chuckles and says she's far from innocent, and almost as gross as Ruby. He demands that they hand her over. "Sorry. Get yourself another one. Try JDate," Dean sasses. I admit, I did chuckle a bit at that.
Uriel calls Ruby a "demon whore" so that we can get our first round of misogyny shots over nice and early, and a fight breaks out. Uriel pins Ruby against a wall, and Dean rushes over to help. Cas walks slowly towards Sam, who begs him not to do this.
Uriel calls Ruby a "demon whore" so that we can get our first round of misogyny shots over nice and early, and a fight breaks out. Uriel pins Ruby against a wall, and Dean rushes over to help. Cas walks slowly towards Sam, who begs him not to do this.
The girls are trying to sneak back into school after leaving midday to try and see Jenna. They were turned away, and Hanna laments not breaking out their candy striper outfits again. Spencer is pretty sure their teacher noticed them all missing but on they sneak. And by "sneak" I mean walk at a leisurely pace and exposit loudly in the halls about figuring out who drowned Jenna.
Emily gets a text message.
Emily, girl, you need to get your priorities in order.
Emily gets a text message.
Emily, girl, you need to get your priorities in order.
Lorraine: Hello, friends! Long time no see in this dusty "Fifty Shades" corner of Snark Squad. In fact, the last time we were here, Charlie Hunnam was still slated to play Christian Grey.
Sweeney: I'm so glad we got to have this gif for the final Fifty Shades posts. It was so useful!
Lor: Fast forward to ten months later and the official release of the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer:
Sweeney: I'm so glad we got to have this gif for the final Fifty Shades posts. It was so useful!
Lor: Fast forward to ten months later and the official release of the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer:
You know what I love? Torture scenes! And sarcasm and this blog. (Two truths and a lie, guys!) Lucky me, we kick off my final full recap (!!!) in Gunn's very own Basement Of No Seriously You Know Don't Fucking Want To Go In There (K: A+), where he's being tortured and asking what he did to deserve the torture, what with his lack of memories. He calls out for the torturing demon to wait and it actually does, though not so much because of Gunn as because the ceiling is rumbling. The basement door swings open and it's none other than Illyria. That's a weird but pleasant surprise. Torture Demon tries to stop Illyria but is easily cast aside. Illyria rips Gunn's tacky mystical Hot Topic necklace off. (L: What a relief! For our eyes...) He slowly remembers who he is and who Illyria is and explains that he can't leave unless someone else puts on the necklace. Illyria has a really intense head-cocking I'VE GOT AN IDEA FACE.
I'm going to try very hard not to get angry during this epilogue because (1) - We have a whole week's worth of series ending posts to get through and I probably have to ration my anger. You know, plan this wisely and avoid an ulcer or drowning my liver or whatever and (2) - THIS IS THE END, FOR REAL. These are the last words to read, EVER. This is really a celebration, so HAPPY EPILOGUE, EVERYONE!
Sweeney: HAPPY EPILOGUE TO YOU TOO, LOR!
Sweeney: HAPPY EPILOGUE TO YOU TOO, LOR!
As usual, we begin exactly where the previous chapter ends, because these books each span approximately 72 hours. Ana is still on the phone with Josecob's dad and mostly because I'm always looking for a good excuse to procrastinate while doing these posts, I started looking up Jacob's dad in Twilight. (Google wasn't sure if I wanted "Twilight" or "The Bible.") When I asked Google for a gif of Billy Black, I found this:
Lorraine: I thought I would never again be appalled by something someone made. I stand corrected.
Sweeney: This is the internet, Lor. The possibilities are endless!
Lorraine: I thought I would never again be appalled by something someone made. I stand corrected.
Sweeney: This is the internet, Lor. The possibilities are endless!
There were split opinions on the whole randomly throwing out the fact Buffy has a sister thing. It was strange to me, but I also know that I'm not the exact audience it was written for. I only mean that I had 10 years of pop culture to tell me Dawn would show up eventually and a bit of foreshadowing last season told me she was probably Buffy's sister. That's a ton of build-up all leading to about 10 seconds last episode where it was all, "AND BUFFY HAS A SISTER LOLOL."
Sweeney: When I first watched last summer I sent our group of bloggy friends a series of DAFUQ? emails.
Sweeney: When I first watched last summer I sent our group of bloggy friends a series of DAFUQ? emails.
Kirsti: SURPRISE!!!! Lor didn't get the chance to watch today's episode of Angel before she flew out to California to hang out with Sweeney and DAMMIT WHY AM I ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. Anyway, Lor and I have done a swap, so you're stuck with me today. Which is absolutely fine by me, because today's episode has a spectacular guest star.
Sweeney: HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Lorraine: Seriously, thank you for doing this so Sweeney and I could hang out on the right side of the world. AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Sweeney: HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Lorraine: Seriously, thank you for doing this so Sweeney and I could hang out on the right side of the world. AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Lorraine: Ana is horrified because, if you'll remember, Kate has chosen Grey's birthday party as the moment to confront Ana about an email she found. Kate's all, "what the fuck is this? Who in the hell changes the subject line each time they send an email?!?!" Just kidding! There are far more horrible things in this particular email, as it contains the Sexy Times Contract. I'm sure we will now get a good discussion that will pave the way for future conversations between Ana and Kate on the disturbing nature of this relationship. Just kidding again! I'm on a roll! Instead, let's watch and see how this is all resolved within two pages:
Previously: Ana called Grey out for taking her to a salon in his Empire of Domestic Violence Emporiums, but when the Ghost of Submissives Past got a gun, he insisted...