This book is absolutely taking over bookish communities right now. I read it, in good faith, because I heard good reviews even before it was published. I hated it. It is in fact so bad that it can be snarked, chapter by chapter. Hello, welcome.
We begin with the best previously song yet:
“Have you no sense of decency? My God, you monsters... not the cat!”
Marines: This song is basically doing our job for us.
Dani: (Shhhh...)
The action starts in an apartment building where a woman named Jules (Natalie Gold) meets her next-door neighbor, Noah (Michael Esper), for the first time.
“Have you no sense of decency? My God, you monsters... not the cat!”
Marines: This song is basically doing our job for us.
Dani: (Shhhh...)
The action starts in an apartment building where a woman named Jules (Natalie Gold) meets her next-door neighbor, Noah (Michael Esper), for the first time.
I'm trying very hard to ignore the fact that the name of this chapter is "Scent."
The chapter opens with Bella wondering why they're all so immature. Me, too, Bell-Bells.
Edward tells Bella that he doesn't feel any personal antagonism towards Jacob.
LOLOLOL. Okay. Sure.
Catherine: LOL. Yeah right, Edward. It's all just professional anger and not at all about the girl you're fighting over.
Kirsti: "I wish he'd die in a fire, but it's nothing personal!"
The chapter opens with Bella wondering why they're all so immature. Me, too, Bell-Bells.
Edward tells Bella that he doesn't feel any personal antagonism towards Jacob.
LOLOLOL. Okay. Sure.
Catherine: LOL. Yeah right, Edward. It's all just professional anger and not at all about the girl you're fighting over.
Kirsti: "I wish he'd die in a fire, but it's nothing personal!"
You may remember in early September that we did a little poll to pick a new Fall 2015 show to review. Lots of you guys voted for Supergirl and it won, you may also remember. (S: Thank god it wasn't Scream Queens, thank god it wasn't Scream Queens.) (M: It can't be as bad as Gotham, it can't be as bad as Gotham.) (C: Not a high bar, you guys.)
You may not remember much else but that's okay, because I'm here to help.
You may not remember much else but that's okay, because I'm here to help.
Prue and Phoebe are going through old pictures and Phoebe is complaining about a lack of HER in all of them. Prue finds a couple of Baby Phoebe, including one with their mom. Phoebe catches some feels but before they can explore them too much, Piper rushes in looking for pen and paper. There's a knock on the door and on the way there, Piper exposits to her sisters that every year this man shows up on the same day with flowers for their grandmother from a secret admirer, when clearly he's the admirer.
Piper opens the door and it's Blatant Admirer with flowers for "Penny Halliwell."
Piper opens the door and it's Blatant Admirer with flowers for "Penny Halliwell."
A young woman (Allison) walks through a garden having lots of feelings. We know this because she touches a rose and sighs. She's met by a man (Elliot) who hands her a white rose. She says they've spent lots of time planning their wedding and she doesn't want anything to go wrong.
Their kiss is interrupted by a woman with an uptight hairdo, asking Elliot, her son, about the marriage certificate. They couple has plans to get it handled the next day but Mommy Uptight wants them to do it RIGHT NOW. Elliot asks what her deal is, but she doesn't answer because the soundtrack just whooshed at her.
Their kiss is interrupted by a woman with an uptight hairdo, asking Elliot, her son, about the marriage certificate. They couple has plans to get it handled the next day but Mommy Uptight wants them to do it RIGHT NOW. Elliot asks what her deal is, but she doesn't answer because the soundtrack just whooshed at her.
The Halliwell sisters bicker lightly as they leave the Manor. Prue doesn't want to go to some housewarming party, Phoebe definitely does, and Piper tries to distract her sisters with tales of bad hair day.
A dog with weird, glowy eyes watches the sisters as they cross the street to the party. The girls find their new neighbors, siblings Marshall, Fritz and Cynda. Once small talk is done, Prue wants to leave, but Phoebe directs her attention to where Andy is standing nearby. They've set her up. Phoebe and Piper shuffle off as Andy comes over to ask Prue out again. He's rejected. Again.
A dog with weird, glowy eyes watches the sisters as they cross the street to the party. The girls find their new neighbors, siblings Marshall, Fritz and Cynda. Once small talk is done, Prue wants to leave, but Phoebe directs her attention to where Andy is standing nearby. They've set her up. Phoebe and Piper shuffle off as Andy comes over to ask Prue out again. He's rejected. Again.
We start off in the asylum on a stormy night with Mona doing some creepy singing about teddy bears having their picnic today. (Pretty singing, though! Do we have a pretty+creepy word in our creepcabulary? It could often be used to describe Mona.) She's painting a head. (YVONNE LEHEAD?) She draws a big red blob on the lips which are magically perfectly painted a hot second later. Continuity is for people with no imagination. Mona monologues about how she gets to do an art project for Halloween, even though they're not big on Halloween around those parts. She turns around and we see that she's talking to a hooded member of the A-Team (Toby?) as she continues about how much she loves Halloween. (You're making this awkward for me, Mona, because I also love the shit out of Halloween.)
People in the comments were taking bets on how we would react to this episode which would've been all I needed to figure out that the Number Gods have seen it fit to gift me with YET ANOTHER Spike episode. It might be a good thing, though. At least I know it won't be an episode where they shoehorn him in to give one or two punchlines that could be delivered by literally anyone else on the whole team.
Sweeney: You mean *gasp* character development? What's this mythical concept you speak of? Lor put it best in the comments, but it's worth reiterating here: didn't even like this character but WOW has he been badly used by the AtS writers so far.
Sweeney: You mean *gasp* character development? What's this mythical concept you speak of? Lor put it best in the comments, but it's worth reiterating here: didn't even like this character but WOW has he been badly used by the AtS writers so far.
We took a break. It was nice. It's over now.
Buffy visits Xander at 4:30 in the morning, looking for Spike, who isn't there. Xander asks if Spike's in trouble, and Buffy says she hopes not.
Cut to In Trouble Alley where Spike for reasons I'm sure will be explained later, proving that Spike is a good boy (I swear I haven't watched ahead) is burying a dead woman's body while humming.
Kirsti: The use of humming in place of music dramatically ups the creep factor for me. That and the fact that what he's humming is a song that my brother's choir used to sing...
Buffy visits Xander at 4:30 in the morning, looking for Spike, who isn't there. Xander asks if Spike's in trouble, and Buffy says she hopes not.
Cut to In Trouble Alley where Spike for reasons I'm sure will be explained later, proving that Spike is a good boy (I swear I haven't watched ahead) is burying a dead woman's body while humming.
Kirsti: The use of humming in place of music dramatically ups the creep factor for me. That and the fact that what he's humming is a song that my brother's choir used to sing...
I'm gonna go ahead and start by saying that I refuse to give out gold stars, because we would literally be here all day, because I just checked the transcript and the word "him" appears like 50 times in this episode. (S: A sound policy.)
After the previouslies, we're at Xander's Gift Apartment. He walks in the front door, informing Spike that he's now going to be living in the Cupboard Under the Stairs. (Fine, it's the walk-in closet, which Xander is now claiming is a room. But HOW COULD I NOT?) He informs Buffy that he hates this plan (you're not alone, Xand), and she reminds him that Spike - who's hovering in the doorway - needs an invitation to enter. Xander reluctantly gives one while I'm busy being distracted by Buffy's sudden and horrific fringe.
After the previouslies, we're at Xander's Gift Apartment. He walks in the front door, informing Spike that he's now going to be living in the Cupboard Under the Stairs. (Fine, it's the walk-in closet, which Xander is now claiming is a room. But HOW COULD I NOT?) He informs Buffy that he hates this plan (you're not alone, Xand), and she reminds him that Spike - who's hovering in the doorway - needs an invitation to enter. Xander reluctantly gives one while I'm busy being distracted by Buffy's sudden and horrific fringe.
Wesley and his weird hair (I can't get over it) are eating take out with Gunn. We catch them mid-conversation and Wesley is saying they need to be more mindful of something. Just then, Cordelia strides in and they great her with just a touch too much enthusiasm. She doesn't spare them a glance. Gunn asks Wesley how he preformed and Wes thinks they came off pretty genuine. From somewhere behind them, we hear Fred say, "B+, C-. A girl can tell." She's sitting under a desk eating her take-out, so, you know. Progress.
Sweeney: FRED IS PRECIOUS.
Sweeney: FRED IS PRECIOUS.
Between today's Buffy crossover magic and the fact that six episodes of Angel have already taught me that I knew nothing of Darla's excellence from watching Buffy, this episode title has me legit excited already. It begins with Angel sketching Darla (hooray for the Angel/art ship!) and while I know a title like this will earn someone a proper gold star eventually, I give Angel's sketch pad an honorable mention.
Lorraine: I think "Angel's sketch pad" is the best almost gold star we've ever given. Good job.
Kirsti: A+. Also, Angel/art OTP.
Sweeney: Angel/Art is my OTP too. Look at us, agreeing on the important issues!
Lorraine: I think "Angel's sketch pad" is the best almost gold star we've ever given. Good job.
Kirsti: A+. Also, Angel/art OTP.
Sweeney: Angel/Art is my OTP too. Look at us, agreeing on the important issues!
Sweeney: Today's episode is called Fool For Love. You may have heard of it. I think it's been mentioned a few times in the comments? Just a few. I want everyone to know that I really was just plopped into this spot in the rotation, because that's what made sense. I didn't choose my numbers, THEY CHOSE ME. Or, like, Lor chose them for me. I'M SORRY THE BUFFYVERSE RANDOM NUMBER GODS LOVE ME BEST. But not really.
Lor: I think the Number Gods mostly ignore me. I always get filler episodes.
Lor: I think the Number Gods mostly ignore me. I always get filler episodes.
Previously: Xander joined the swim team and we saw FAR more of him than we wanted to. Also, monsters. Becoming, Part 1 Kirsti: Brace yourselves, guys. It’s about to get flashback-y...