And we're back! I added a little exclamation point to feign some excitement about reading this again. I am happy you are here, though. Welcome! (Note: Genuine exclamation point that time.)
Say hello, ladies:
Kirsti: HELLO FRIENDS. Fun fact: when I first typed that, I wrote "HELL FRIENDS", and that accurately depicts what reading and recapping this book is like: you're in hell, but at least you have friends to complain to about how godawful it is.
Catherine: Hi! I'm glad to see you all again although I wish it was under better circumstances. We really must meet at a happier occasion sometime. Like a funeral or a Mary Kay party.
Breakfast at the Halliwell Manor. Phoebe asks Piper if she got "the postcard" from Dan and I'm confused because aren't they not on good terms after he attacked her boyfriend for being a liar and a war veteran? Apparently he's having a great time wherever he is, so... great?
Marines: He probably only sent the postcard because he's having a good time and stupid ex-girlfriends need to know that.
Stephanie: Anyway, Piper is distracted by a letter from the doctor that treated her when she got sick from handling space fruit. Yup, we all wanted to revisit that plot.
Marines: He probably only sent the postcard because he's having a good time and stupid ex-girlfriends need to know that.
Stephanie: Anyway, Piper is distracted by a letter from the doctor that treated her when she got sick from handling space fruit. Yup, we all wanted to revisit that plot.
Halliwell Manor. Piper is preparing for a romantic night by lighting candles and picking up a vase and putting it elsewhere (?). Prue runs in and Piper asks her WTF she's doing home, because Pipers's supposed to have the house to herself. Prue totally forgot about this and is distracted by some pictures she took for an assignment. She wants Piper's opinion on them, and since Leo isn't there yet anyway, Piper tells her to make it quick.
Prue shows the horrible photos to her sister. (S: I will always laugh at her mediocre photos. Until this character trait suddenly disappears, of course.)
Prue shows the horrible photos to her sister. (S: I will always laugh at her mediocre photos. Until this character trait suddenly disappears, of course.)
We open basically where we left off, with Sam locked in Bobby's panic room. Dean opens the hatch on the door and Sam demands to be let out. But Dean's all "LOL NOPE" because Junkie Sam needs to get clean. Sam insists that it's a bullshit comparison because he's not doing it to get high. He's doing it to get strong enough to defeat Lilith. Dean scoffs and says he's being weak and pathetic.
Sam snaps that killing Lilith is what matters, and Dean's all "I TOTALLY AGREE". That's why he and Bobby are going to deal with it while Sam stays in the naughty corner and thinks about what he's done. Dean shuts the hatch and walks away.
Sam snaps that killing Lilith is what matters, and Dean's all "I TOTALLY AGREE". That's why he and Bobby are going to deal with it while Sam stays in the naughty corner and thinks about what he's done. Dean shuts the hatch and walks away.
We open with Dean sitting on the end of the world's smallest dock. He's fishing, and he looks peaceful and happy for the first time in EVER.
Castiel appears behind him and says they need to talk. Dean's all "Noooooo, get out of my happy place", and asks if he's dreaming. Cas confirms that he is, and says they need to talk somewhere private. Dean's confused because they're in his head. Cas is all "Yeah, people could be listening". He hands Dean a piece of paper, tells him to meet him there ASAP, and disappears. Dean wakes with a start.
Castiel appears behind him and says they need to talk. Dean's all "Noooooo, get out of my happy place", and asks if he's dreaming. Cas confirms that he is, and says they need to talk somewhere private. Dean's confused because they're in his head. Cas is all "Yeah, people could be listening". He hands Dean a piece of paper, tells him to meet him there ASAP, and disappears. Dean wakes with a start.
We pick up the emails right where they left off last time, but now it's 12:03am, so it's a new day, see? Grey sends back an email asking why Ana said she doesn't like him. If you are an author who figures that including full email transcripts is a super excellent way to fill your book, what do you do between emails?
A bunch of old women stand in a circle, calling on something named Cryto. One of the ladies has a little coughing fit, but she urges the others to keep chanting. Even though they've been at it for 15 minutes, she's sure Cryto will show up.
Stephanie: Before we get any further can we just take a moment to go WTF at the weird Leatherfaceness of this episode's title?
Mari: Absolutely!
Stephanie: Before we get any further can we just take a moment to go WTF at the weird Leatherfaceness of this episode's title?
Mari: Absolutely!
We open in a messy house, with a scruffy looking guy asleep in his underwear on the sofa. The shot flickers and he twitches in his sleep, then we're thrown into a montage of shots of various things, including Sam and the Bromobile in a weird grey-scale. Then we get a close up of a guy reaching for a comic book and the colour resolves. The boys walk in and introduce themselves as Agents DeYoung and Shaw, both of whom are in Styx. WOO, FAKE NAMES.
Martha and the Doctor burst into the TARDIS, explosions following them. The Doctor asks frantically if "they" saw Martha's face. She insists that they couldn't have. They set off through time and space, but the unnamed "they" follows, thanks to some stolen technology. The Doctor looks panicky as he realises "they" can follow him anywhere. "I'll have to do it," he says. He grabs a pocket watch and waves it at Martha, saying that his life depends on it. He talks directly into the camera as he starts to say more about the watch.
We open on an alarm going off at 6am. Well Respected Man by The Kinks starts playing as we watch Dean go about his morning - living in a posh apartment, wearing an expensive suit, making himself a fancy coffee, and driving to work in a Prius. When he starts the car, classic rock starts playing. He looks disgusted and changes the station to NPR.
He gets to work - a fancy high rise downtown - and his office door informs us that his name is Dean Smith and he's head of Sales and Marketing for Sandover Iron.
He gets to work - a fancy high rise downtown - and his office door informs us that his name is Dean Smith and he's head of Sales and Marketing for Sandover Iron.
Before we get started on this chapter, I’d like to thank Mari for picking up chapter 9 (the sex contract chapter) while I was completely swamped with finishing my masters degree. However, I've kind of screwed myself over, because now I have to cover this extremely long chapter instead. Come back, sex contract! All is forgiven! (Not really).
Marines: I love you, but this worked out so well for me.
Marines: I love you, but this worked out so well for me.
Prison. Two guards come to collect a prisoner who is Antonio Sabato, Jr. You'll probably recall that he was on the show previously but may not recall why. Basically, I'm describing myself. Thankfully they say his name right away so I don't have to keep typing Antonio Sabato, Jr.
Stephanie: I only remember Bane as the guy Prue made out with when she put on leather and became a Bad Girl for a day. I don't remember why he's in jail. I also don't care.
Stephanie: I only remember Bane as the guy Prue made out with when she put on leather and became a Bad Girl for a day. I don't remember why he's in jail. I also don't care.
It's the day after Grey's stalker-shopping trip. He's out for an early-morning run as he listens to Moby and recalls dreaming about Ana last night. (J: For some reason, knowing Grey listens to Moby makes me laugh.) In his dream she was on her knees and calling him 'sir'. How sweet. His run apparently goes on for TWO WHOLE HOURS, although E.L. James thankfully manages to resist the urge to narrate the entire thing and instead skips to Grey jogging past a coffee shop on his way back to the hotel. He briefly considers asking Ana out for a coffee date, but then he laughs at himself because that's something a normal non-murdery person would do. Ew.
College. (S: UGH. WHY?) Phoebe is in a class where the professor is talking about some mating rituals, because of course. Because if we're going to see Phoebe in a class, it's obviously going to be a class about mating rituals.
There is this dude with hedgehog hair (S: Now they're just going out of their way to cast men with the worst hair.) in the class who keeps giving Phoebe LOOKS. She returns them and does a little hair flipping. Behind her, some girls start giggling about something and Phoebe asks what's up with her study group having fun with out her.
There is this dude with hedgehog hair (S: Now they're just going out of their way to cast men with the worst hair.) in the class who keeps giving Phoebe LOOKS. She returns them and does a little hair flipping. Behind her, some girls start giggling about something and Phoebe asks what's up with her study group having fun with out her.
I was nine years old in 1997, when Spiceworld marched into theaters with the ferocity and panache of Posh Spice at choreography boot camp. For those who were not a child, tween, or teen in the late 90s, you may not be able to understand why this movie even exists. But insane as it is, I promise you, there was a market for this insanity, and I was IT. I know every word to every song in this "film" (ironic quotations marks required), and to me, it is prime snarking fodder. Let us begin!