Previously: IDK, Hardin’s parents were presumptuous and weird. — Samantha: I am considering getting out the good old brain bleach for this, another sexytimes chapter in like 3 chapters. Marines: No...
Previously: Charlie came for a visit and Bella didn’t eat him. — Annie: Charlie is going to leave, but pauses to remind us that Bella’s mother is useless and stupid. He...
Tom asks Hannah, Forstell, and Mike (the Most Interesting Secret Service Man in the World) how the hell the Vice President was murdered while a team of FBI agents watched. Hannah says they didn’t choose the location, so their options for hiding were limited. (S: Lol no Tom, I was there, they didn't even try.) Also, she's less concerned with how than why. She says Beth had to have been deeply involved in the conspiracy. Tom wants to know what kind of fanatics they’re dealing with. Forstell urges Tom to keep as many details from the press as possible while the FBI investigates, and Tom agrees.
New two-parter = new credits! NPH sings, "the lumber mill is where the Baudelaires are forced to work, the eye doctor is sinister, the owner is a jerk, they end up in a fiendish plot with logs and hypnotism, the very thought of watching should be met with skepticism."
Look away, look away, etc.
New dedication to Beatrice: my love flew like a butterfly, until death swooped down like a bat.
Look away, look away, etc.
New dedication to Beatrice: my love flew like a butterfly, until death swooped down like a bat.
he camera pans over a floating city, with the Union flag painted next to it. We pan over the buildings, many of which are illuminated with the names of counties.
Cut to a school room where all the kids are in 1950s style outfits, sitting at 1950s style desks. A robotic voice praises each of them in turn as they head out the door. One boy hangs back reluctantly. (M: Yeah, boy. I wouldn't walk up close to that robotic voice either.) A girl gives him a "what are you waiting for?" expression before heading out. He's the last in the classroom.
Cut to a school room where all the kids are in 1950s style outfits, sitting at 1950s style desks. A robotic voice praises each of them in turn as they head out the door. One boy hangs back reluctantly. (M: Yeah, boy. I wouldn't walk up close to that robotic voice either.) A girl gives him a "what are you waiting for?" expression before heading out. He's the last in the classroom.
Okay well here I go. To recap Tessa and Hardin alone in a room at night again. With sex implications in the terribly written text. Alright. Here we go. Oh, wait, man, have I asked how you all are recently? Anything new?
Marines: Just rip the bandaid off, girl. This garbage fire has 90-something chapters.
Samantha: .......fine. According to my Kindle app we're only 26% done.
Marines: Just rip the bandaid off, girl. This garbage fire has 90-something chapters.
Samantha: .......fine. According to my Kindle app we're only 26% done.
Okay, Hardin has Tessa in his car 90% against her will and we don't know where he is taking her. Everyone, we are on HIGH ALERT.
Samantha:
Captain Kirk is worried.
Mari: As he should be!
First up: Hardin takes Tessa down a gravel road and turns off the music so that she can hear all the little stones crunching beneath the tires. Tessa realizes that they are very, very alone, away from people and building and cars and also police. I added the last thing. HIGH ALERT remains; this seems awful murder-y.
Samantha:
Captain Kirk is worried.
Mari: As he should be!
First up: Hardin takes Tessa down a gravel road and turns off the music so that she can hear all the little stones crunching beneath the tires. Tessa realizes that they are very, very alone, away from people and building and cars and also police. I added the last thing. HIGH ALERT remains; this seems awful murder-y.
Look away, look away!
Lemony says there is no word to describe waking up and knowing instantly that something is wrong. (Dani: Sure there is: "Monday") (Annie: Truth.) This is what happens to the Baudelaires the morning after we last saw them (bad feeling, not Monday), as they wake up to the sun rising and not thanks to their Uncle Monty.
Lemony says there is no word to describe waking up and knowing instantly that something is wrong. (Dani: Sure there is: "Monday") (Annie: Truth.) This is what happens to the Baudelaires the morning after we last saw them (bad feeling, not Monday), as they wake up to the sun rising and not thanks to their Uncle Monty.
The title of this chapter is 'Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock', which is appropriate because I can feel my life slipping away as I read it. (K: Samesies.) (A: Ditto.)
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
Tessa meets with Landon to study. She tells us that it took her an hour to organize all her notes after Hardin threw them around LIKE A DICK. I'm convinced that you can add LIKE A DICK to any action Hardin takes and it's 100% accurate. (S: This shall be fun.) Tessa wants to tell Landon about it but "I don't want him to think badly of me." Ummmmm, why would he think badly of you after some jerk threw around your stuff? (S: Yup, this reeks of victim blaming mentality.)
Tessa is super glad when Hardin leaves, and not because he was being a creep, but because she wants to get more information about the party from Steph. She tells Tessa that it's a frat party off campus and Nate is coming to pick them up.
Tessa, of course, takes a moment to tell us how grateful she is that Hardin isn't going to pick them up because that guy is obviously defective.
Tessa, of course, takes a moment to tell us how grateful she is that Hardin isn't going to pick them up because that guy is obviously defective.
We pick up this chapter approximately 15 minutes later. Tessa has curled her hair! Oh my god! I really wasn't sure what she was going to do after that curling iron cliffhanger!
Steph offers Tessa her makeup, like a nice person. Tessa tells us that she's a member of the Big Eyes club.
She asks for some eyeliner and Steph gives her brown, black, and purple. Steph also suggests that the purple would look pretty with Tessa's Big Eyes but Tessa isn't a slut or something so she can't use purple. She puts on a little bit of black and Steph is proud. This has all been a literal 1/4 of this chapter.
Steph offers Tessa her makeup, like a nice person. Tessa tells us that she's a member of the Big Eyes club.
She asks for some eyeliner and Steph gives her brown, black, and purple. Steph also suggests that the purple would look pretty with Tessa's Big Eyes but Tessa isn't a slut or something so she can't use purple. She puts on a little bit of black and Steph is proud. This has all been a literal 1/4 of this chapter.
Okay! Here we go! Let's see if anything happens this chapter!
Tessa totally can't focus on anything as they drive to campus, not even her nice-soon-to-be-dumped-probably boyfriend. (M: Or his perfectly lined lips.) They arrive within a paragraph and apparently she never visited the campus before, which struck me as odd. Two hours isn't that bad of a drive, surely they could have done a visit?
Tessa totally can't focus on anything as they drive to campus, not even her nice-soon-to-be-dumped-probably boyfriend. (M: Or his perfectly lined lips.) They arrive within a paragraph and apparently she never visited the campus before, which struck me as odd. Two hours isn't that bad of a drive, surely they could have done a visit?
Once again, it appears that our dear sweet Steph has zero understanding of what an epilogue is. Because once again, this thing is like a million pages long. Except that as a special treat, Bella's not the narrator for the epilogue. No, friends. Instead of little Bell-bell, we're hanging out in Jacob's head.
Fabulous.
Catherine: Of course. Just what we all wanted after this book.
Fabulous.
Catherine: Of course. Just what we all wanted after this book.
I could have done without the exploding head montage that begins this episode’s “previously on” song, but it was totally worth it to get to the fake prescription ad for Space Bugs. Funny how the possible side effects sound so similar to actual ads, other than the “Brain matter leakage is common but harmless” disclaimer.
Marines: The people running around in fields is fantastic. Also, on a related note, drug ads in the U.S. are RIDICULOUS.
Marines: The people running around in fields is fantastic. Also, on a related note, drug ads in the U.S. are RIDICULOUS.