Just a couple disclaimers for anyone who doesn't read the comments: I have been looking forward approximately forever for Willa Holland, because Thea Queen, and was so excited to get to her episodes that I kinda sorta wanted her to destroy the core four's world. THAT SHE DID MY FRIENDS. So I may be just a bit biased on rooting for Kaitlin's terrible decisions. Second - because she is not /technically/ part of the main cast yet, I'm totally calling her Young Thea.
We open with a preppy blonde cheerleader uttering the words "She's such a slut," so that we can get our misogyny shots out of the way early. The jock next to her at the lunch table says he's "pro-slut" (SHOTS!) and asks for further details. She provides them, then stops as the girl in question approaches the table and goes to sit in her usual spot. But LOL NOPE, society is the worst and all her friends fake-cough "SLUT!" at her until she storms off to sit at another table.
Marines: She can't see it now, but it's a better table, far from slut-shamers and almost equally as bad, people who would ever fake cough a word.
Marines: She can't see it now, but it's a better table, far from slut-shamers and almost equally as bad, people who would ever fake cough a word.
In a creepy old house in the middle of nowhere, an older guy is watching TV when the lights suddenly go out. He eyerolls a little and heads over the door, but it's locked. He's confused, and turns to see a ghostly girl appear out of the closet. "Y-you? It's impossible!" he says before yelling at her to stay away from him. She smiles creepily and we see blood splatter all over the walls as the guy screams.
CREEPY BIRDS!
After the Not Credits, Sam wakes up in the backseat of the Bromobile.
CREEPY BIRDS!
After the Not Credits, Sam wakes up in the backseat of the Bromobile.
Gatsby-esque Manhattan. A bunch of showgirls in glittery devil outfits run around backstage at a theatre preparing for the show. One raps on the dressing room of the star - Tallulah - to give her the two minute warning. Tallulah - dressed as an angel - is making out with her boyfriend, Lazlo. He makes her promise to come to Sunday lunch because his mother wants to meet her. Tallulah freaks a little, but Lazlo insists his mother will love her. Ha. Hahaha. Okay, Lazlo. Whatevs.
Marines: I hope this is the thing you find most unbelievable in this entire episode.
Marines: I hope this is the thing you find most unbelievable in this entire episode.
We open with a woman showering and lots of long, lingering shots of her back and legs, because OF COURSE WE FUCKING DO.
Marines: I don't know why TV and movies try to make us thing that showers are evil. I love showers. Stop trying to ruin it for me, dammit.
K: EXACTLY.
The door opens behind her and a scrawny looking teenager steps in. The music gets murdery and we get a bizarrely long shot of the shower head. I'm also 90% sure her hair would be really dry because she's not actually rinsing anything off it.
Marines: I don't know why TV and movies try to make us thing that showers are evil. I love showers. Stop trying to ruin it for me, dammit.
K: EXACTLY.
The door opens behind her and a scrawny looking teenager steps in. The music gets murdery and we get a bizarrely long shot of the shower head. I'm also 90% sure her hair would be really dry because she's not actually rinsing anything off it.
We start on a static-y screen. A cheerful news reporter says that there are reports of a stockpile of cars and carjacking. We zoom out and see that we're in a vehicle of some sort and this couple is at the helm:
Kirsti: A+ description.
Mari: I'm almost sure that is really what they were going for? I can't imagine why but it had to be purposeful.
Something is banging up against their vehicle, growling. Ma American Gothic is freaking out while Pa American Gothic assures her that the police are on their way.
Kirsti: A+ description.
Mari: I'm almost sure that is really what they were going for? I can't imagine why but it had to be purposeful.
Something is banging up against their vehicle, growling. Ma American Gothic is freaking out while Pa American Gothic assures her that the police are on their way.
We open in the Witter Jeep, with Pacey driving Joey to the train station. She gushes about how she'll finally get to use those dance lessons they took, and Pacey squints at an ornate invitation. Apparently AJ has won a creative writing award and there's a big celebration and dancing?? I'm as confused as Pacey is. He grumbles about it, then tells Joey to ignore him and have a good time.
Democracy Diva: The dancing thing is dumb and only exists so the Powers that Be Contriving can name this episode Cinderella Story.
Democracy Diva: The dancing thing is dumb and only exists so the Powers that Be Contriving can name this episode Cinderella Story.
We open on Dean running for his life, totally terrified. Large sounding dogs bark from behind him. He rounds a corner and collides with a homeless man. He gets up and screams at the homeless man to run for his life because "it'll kill you!". The man looks down to see a tiny Yorkie with a pink bow sitting there staring at Dean.
Dean's eyes grow wide in panic, and he starts running again. The Yorkie skitters off after him with a yap.
CREEPY BIRDS.
After the Not Credits, we're in Rock Ridge, Colorado two days earlier as the Bromobile pulls into town.
Dean's eyes grow wide in panic, and he starts running again. The Yorkie skitters off after him with a yap.
CREEPY BIRDS.
After the Not Credits, we're in Rock Ridge, Colorado two days earlier as the Bromobile pulls into town.
London, 1599. A guy with a terrible hair cut plays the lute and sings to a woman leaning out of her window. It's all very Romeo and Juliet. She looks incredibly familiar, and that's because she's Blanche Ingram from the BBC's 2006 version of Jane Eyre! (M: AHHH!) She also played Caroline Bingley in Lost in Austen. (M: Less exciting.) She informs him that after his amazing singing she's totally DTF and he rushes upstairs.
When he gets to her room, he's weirded out to see that it's full of creepy magical looking stuff. She kisses him, and turns into a crone with pointy teeth. He freaks. She gestures and two other crone-faced witches rush forward. They cackle as they surround him, and tear him to shreds.
When he gets to her room, he's weirded out to see that it's full of creepy magical looking stuff. She kisses him, and turns into a crone with pointy teeth. He freaks. She gestures and two other crone-faced witches rush forward. They cackle as they surround him, and tear him to shreds.
We open with a close up of an iron pentagram, then pan down to see that Sam and Ruby 2.0 have a demon tied up underneath it. Sam asks where Lilith is, and the demon sasses at him. We then get in a double dose of misogyny shots when the demon says that Sam's "slutting around" with Ruby and then calls her a bitch. Not even 30 seconds in and we're two shots down. It's going to be a long road, friends...
Marines: At this rate, though, we won't even feel it.
K: Thank Heaven for small mercies.
Sam does his angry nostril twitch and holds his hand out. The demon pukes up black smoke, which burns away into the floor.
Marines: At this rate, though, we won't even feel it.
K: Thank Heaven for small mercies.
Sam does his angry nostril twitch and holds his hand out. The demon pukes up black smoke, which burns away into the floor.
Sam watches his brother sleep in the Motel of the Week, then sneaks out the door. Outside, Ruby 2.0 picks him up and they speed off into the night. Back in the motel room, Dean has nightmares about being in Hell, and wakes to find Castiel sitting on the bed.
Marines: Castiel, friend. We're not fond of characters who watch people sleep around here. Just FYI.
K: Truth.
Dean jumps, and asks what Castiel wants. "You have to stop him," Castiel says. He presses two fingers to Dean's forehead, and Dean wakes up on a bench.
Marines: Castiel, friend. We're not fond of characters who watch people sleep around here. Just FYI.
K: Truth.
Dean jumps, and asks what Castiel wants. "You have to stop him," Castiel says. He presses two fingers to Dean's forehead, and Dean wakes up on a bench.
I was nine years old in 1997, when Spiceworld marched into theaters with the ferocity and panache of Posh Spice at choreography boot camp. For those who were not a child, tween, or teen in the late 90s, you may not be able to understand why this movie even exists. But insane as it is, I promise you, there was a market for this insanity, and I was IT. I know every word to every song in this "film" (ironic quotations marks required), and to me, it is prime snarking fodder. Let us begin!
We start with bright blue sky, cheery music, a banner proclaiming the 2012 London Olympics and even some houses with little Union flags in the windows. It reminds me of when Kirsti was last in the US and astounded by the number of flags we fly. #Merica
K: TRUE. Y'all need to back off on the flags. It's RIDICULOUS. I have yet to see any private residence in Australia flying the Australian flag. Wait. Maybe the posh place with a freaking turret near my cousin's old high school that usually flies a pirate flag puts up the Australian flag for Australia Day? IDK IDK.
K: TRUE. Y'all need to back off on the flags. It's RIDICULOUS. I have yet to see any private residence in Australia flying the Australian flag. Wait. Maybe the posh place with a freaking turret near my cousin's old high school that usually flies a pirate flag puts up the Australian flag for Australia Day? IDK IDK.
Fish and her snazzy new eye gaze thoughtfully out of the window at Organ Donor Island. She heads downstairs and schmoozes a little with some of the rich patients, who are having a grand old time at the fancy facility while recovering from their illegal transplants. Then she sneaks into an empty room and breaks open the door to take a casual stroll outside, where she spots a helicopter. Just then, some dudes with guns pull up in a car, led by a guy calling himself 'The Catcher'. She introduces herself and feigns ignorance about not being allowed outside. He waves a gun at her and orders her back into the mansion.
We open on a guy with terrible bleached blond hair running through a quarry or gravel yard or some shit. IDK. He ends up by an industrial looking building, and stops when he sees the TARDIS. He walks slowly towards it, and music gets all floaty vocals and spookiness. He touches the TARDIS, then Rose yells out for the Doctor from somewhere off screen. Bad Hair Guy runs towards it. He ends up in a factory. Rose and the Doctor, both still off screen, yell at each other about where "he" has gone. Bad Hair Guy finds himself in a corridor with lots of doorways off it. There's a pig-like grunting noise from somewhere, and he cautiously walks down the corridor. He pulls open a door and finds himself face to face with a giant spitty alien.