Sweeney: Veronica welcomes us back to Neptune by face nomming Troy outside her door at the end of a date. Before leaving he nonchalantly mentions homecoming, but in a we're-too-cool-for-homecoming kind of way. Veronica goes inside and asks Keith what he thought of Troy - asking if he ran Troy's license plates. Keith plays it cool, insisting that he has no idea what is inspiring this line of questioning, waiting until she's almost in her room to drop the, "It's time for me to meet this boy," bomb. Veronica resists, but loses this battle.
Lorraine: I love that his sticking point is that that Troy is cutting into daddy-daughter time, and they don't do things together anymore. A PARENT! WHO WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS CHILD!
Lorraine: Sunnydale Bus Station. A young woman of color (LOOK KIRSTI) (K: Season 7, otherwise known as "that one time Sunnydale had POC characters who survived more than two episodes...) who is wearing some Overalls of Overall Sadness gets off a bus. I don't actually know if she's sad, but it's been a while since we've had overalls and I wanted to call them that again.
Sweeney: Season 7 has a lot of nostalgia to deliver and those overalls were definitely plucked from early season Buffy's closet.
Kirsti: Plus, it lets us bring back a tag that's been languishing unused since season 3. HURRAH.
Sweeney: Season 7 has a lot of nostalgia to deliver and those overalls were definitely plucked from early season Buffy's closet.
Kirsti: Plus, it lets us bring back a tag that's been languishing unused since season 3. HURRAH.
We open at an airport where some guy is looking super anxious. He heads to the bathroom and is splashing water on his face, and a random other guy says not to worry because your odds of dying in a plane crash are 20,000 to 1. YEAH, NOT WHAT I WANNA HEAR, MAN. Let me just go ahead and tell you that flying is my absolute biggest fear and the majority of my nightmares center around plane crashes, so I'm pretty sure this episode is going to ruin me.
Kirsti: I'm not afraid of flying on account of I've been doing it on the regular since I was like nine months old (also because I live in Australia and it's really fucking time consuming to get ANYWHERE if you don't fly), but bathroom guy is a total asshat for listing that hugely unhelpful statistic.
Kirsti: I'm not afraid of flying on account of I've been doing it on the regular since I was like nine months old (also because I live in Australia and it's really fucking time consuming to get ANYWHERE if you don't fly), but bathroom guy is a total asshat for listing that hugely unhelpful statistic.
Xander is cleaning up the broken glass, lamenting that he's trapped in a "loop" in which he replaces the Chez Summers windows for all of eternity. (K: This is hilarious because he spends most of the rest of season 7 repairing those fucking windows.) This joke acknowledging the recurring destruction of the Summers home is obviously fantastic, but the word "loop" makes me twitch because I'm trying to learn actual code so that I can fix all the things that keep breaking on this website, but failing because it all looks unsettlingly like math. I feel you, Xander. I sometimes wonder if Snark Squad database errors are going to be ruining my life forever, too.
Lorraine: I really hope it isn't rage ninjas breaking our website.
Lorraine: I really hope it isn't rage ninjas breaking our website.
We open to a trio of nerds (not THAT Trio, thank goodness), rating their female classmates based on hotness. Apparently, Veronica's detective skills up her from an 8.5 to a 9, according to Dweeb #1. How empowering! Troy and Veronica do a walk-and-talk, which hilariously features V assuming T's weekend plans revolve around autoeroticism. He's actually just got a boner for boats, like apparently all wealthy southern California boys on television in the early aughts.
They exchange something like eight hundred thousand flirty glances as Troy departs.
They exchange something like eight hundred thousand flirty glances as Troy departs.
Today's fun time in Sunnydale begins in a funeral home where two guys are closing up, after preparing an older woman for her service the next day.
Kirsti: Right, because you'd totally leave a dead body sitting out at room temperature all night...
Sweeney: Kirsti, that sentence already requires me to think more about the care of dead bodies than I'd like. (See also: any thinking about the subject at all.)
After the guys leave, Buffy and Xander emerge from coffins. Xander says something about wanting to HELP. Seems like a lazy way to earn the star, but kudos for being so quick about it and beating everyone else to it:
Kirsti: Right, because you'd totally leave a dead body sitting out at room temperature all night...
Sweeney: Kirsti, that sentence already requires me to think more about the care of dead bodies than I'd like. (See also: any thinking about the subject at all.)
After the guys leave, Buffy and Xander emerge from coffins. Xander says something about wanting to HELP. Seems like a lazy way to earn the star, but kudos for being so quick about it and beating everyone else to it:
Wallace asks Veronica what her big Friday night plans are. All she's got so far are taking Backup for a run and possibly renting a PG-13 movie. If you take away the "going for a run" part you have a good representative of most of my Friday nights. No shame, V.
Wallace isn't on board with these plans, though, and aspires to a live a life inspired by a Nelly rap video. LOL. Nelly.
Sweeney: "Step back, wild child," is a favorite phrase of mine in life. It's another one of those, "TV informs how I engage with the other humans," moments.
Wallace isn't on board with these plans, though, and aspires to a live a life inspired by a Nelly rap video. LOL. Nelly.
Sweeney: "Step back, wild child," is a favorite phrase of mine in life. It's another one of those, "TV informs how I engage with the other humans," moments.
Kaylee is doubting Simon's claim that he swears. She cutely asks if he does all this cussing when she goes to bed, and he retorts that he swears when it's appropriate. Kaylee thinks the point of swearing is that it's never appropriate. I get what she means, and I may have agreed with her more BEFORE I read the Fifty Shades series and was educated in the ways of the world: sometimes there ain't nothing more appropriate than a big, fat FUCK YOU.
nyhow, Kaylee and Simon pause their chatter when they spot Inara. Kaylee greets her and asks if she's off for a romantic night, and Inara says she hopes so. She tells them not to let Mal get them in trouble and that she'll see them soon.
nyhow, Kaylee and Simon pause their chatter when they spot Inara. Kaylee greets her and asks if she's off for a romantic night, and Inara says she hopes so. She tells them not to let Mal get them in trouble and that she'll see them soon.
We slow motion zoom in on Angel, who looks like he's trying very hard to emote, which means you know shit is going down; this episode starts one second after Connor has reappeared. The camera pans to the right and Groo jumps into action, swinging his battle axe, also in slow-mo. We keep spinning and land back on Connor in the background, as in the foreground, Angel yells for everyone to wait.
Kirsti: I think the slow motion yelling was my favourite on account of how spectacularly awful it was.
Kirsti: I think the slow motion yelling was my favourite on account of how spectacularly awful it was.
Hanna is waiting outside the vice principal's office with her mother as well as her new stepsister and stepmother. Everyone is silent and in various degrees of feels over the mass message of naked Kate. Hanna's phone rings and Ashley gives her, "Don't you fucking dare look at that phone," face. The principal emerges and says, "Mrs. Marin," which awkwardly gets a response from both his current and his ex wife.
The other three PLLs are looking at a red coat that Spencer picked up with Ali's claim ticket conveniently tucked into Hanna's stolen copy of Lolita. Aria doesn't think Ali would wear it, but Spencer thinks that this is probably part of Wigison's special separate wardrobe.
Lorraine: Definitely have to have a wardrobe that goes well with a wig, you know? You have to respect Wigison for her commitment.
The other three PLLs are looking at a red coat that Spencer picked up with Ali's claim ticket conveniently tucked into Hanna's stolen copy of Lolita. Aria doesn't think Ali would wear it, but Spencer thinks that this is probably part of Wigison's special separate wardrobe.
Lorraine: Definitely have to have a wardrobe that goes well with a wig, you know? You have to respect Wigison for her commitment.
The episode starts with a lot of shots of Los Angeles before taking us back to Brooding Hotel, where the gang is patching up the earthquake damaged hotel and Groo is pleading with Angel to heed his advice...on the new color selection. I won't lie, I'm kind of a fan of Groo. Not in the sense that I actually care a great deal what happens to him, but he's kind of precious and amusing.
Lorraine: He was a little off-putting at first, especially in the sense of the love triangle and cockblocking, but I'm warming to him as well.
Sweeney: Angel says no and stops Gunn from throwing away something that is seriously charred. He just wants everything “the way it was.” Hugs.
Lorraine: He was a little off-putting at first, especially in the sense of the love triangle and cockblocking, but I'm warming to him as well.
Sweeney: Angel says no and stops Gunn from throwing away something that is seriously charred. He just wants everything “the way it was.” Hugs.
We start out on an unknown planet, with a group of cowboys on horses stopping two strangers, a husband and wife, driving a wagon. The cowboys tell the guy driving that he's carrying something that belongs to them. He says that the stranger is going to give him everything he has in the wagon, including some one-on-one time with his missus. The stranger says he might want to reconsider that last one because he married him a "powerful ugly creature," and as he lifts his head, we can see that it's lovable, huggable Jayne.
Jayne says that if he could make him prettier, he would. Mal responds that Jayne is not the man he met a year ago. This is all happening with Mal still wearing the bonnet, by the way.
Jayne says that if he could make him prettier, he would. Mal responds that Jayne is not the man he met a year ago. This is all happening with Mal still wearing the bonnet, by the way.
Angel stands in his fire and earthquake destroyed room, staring at the charred and empty crib. We zoom in on his hurt face, which a lot of you seem to have very little sympathy for. You Heartless Cows can pretend he's thinking about how to get rid of smoke damage.
Cut to Wesley's apartment. Fred is sadly listening to several messages she left for Wesley. He has not been home. She's having a hard time accepting that he would kidnap Connor. Gunn is more on team, "well. It happened." They both know that if Angel reaches Wesley first, he's a dead man. Fred wants to stay in the apartment in case Wesley comes back, but Gunn doesn't think Wes is coming back. His toothbrush, razor and gun are gone, aka the essentials. I'm not sure what you would need to find gone from my house to assume I was gone forever. All my nail polishes and books probably wouldn't be conducive to running away, you know?
Cut to Wesley's apartment. Fred is sadly listening to several messages she left for Wesley. He has not been home. She's having a hard time accepting that he would kidnap Connor. Gunn is more on team, "well. It happened." They both know that if Angel reaches Wesley first, he's a dead man. Fred wants to stay in the apartment in case Wesley comes back, but Gunn doesn't think Wes is coming back. His toothbrush, razor and gun are gone, aka the essentials. I'm not sure what you would need to find gone from my house to assume I was gone forever. All my nail polishes and books probably wouldn't be conducive to running away, you know?
Today's episode begins with a flashback! We're at the Tam Estate, 11 years ago. Kid!Simon is sitting by the fireplace working on something while kid!River tries to play an elaborate role playing game with him. It is here that I do a double take because kid!Simon is none other than a young Zac Efron. LOLOLOLOL. I might giggle through this entire scene. (L: I'll have fingers crossed for a sudden musical number!) Hilarity aside, it's a very cute scene - kid!River is adorable and imaginative and kid!Simon is a pretty fantastic older brother. He sets aside his light-up tablet thing to engage/encourage kid!River further when she demonstrates her general brilliance by pointing out that his assignment (the problem itself, not his answer) is wrong. It's worth noting that her game is very us/them with "them" being the independents.
That point is driven home when their father enters. Zac Efron and his father chat about future technology and have a conversation that's sort of the equivalent of Zac Efron wanting his own, unfiltered internet account, but dad doesn't want him to have unfettered access to porn and other unsavory things. (He says it in Mandarin, btw, I'm assuming it was long-winded Mandarin for "porn and unsavory politics.") (L: He actually says, "heaven knows what." Heaven might not know, but Sweeney does! PORN AND UNSAVORY POLITICS.) Unfortunately, he was overruled by his wife who is OK with Zac Efron getting porn, anarchy, and The Real Housewives of the Outer Planets. (L: A+) Papa Tam adds, though, that Zac Efron had better use his "dedicated source box" to become a super genius doctor.
That point is driven home when their father enters. Zac Efron and his father chat about future technology and have a conversation that's sort of the equivalent of Zac Efron wanting his own, unfiltered internet account, but dad doesn't want him to have unfettered access to porn and other unsavory things. (He says it in Mandarin, btw, I'm assuming it was long-winded Mandarin for "porn and unsavory politics.") (L: He actually says, "heaven knows what." Heaven might not know, but Sweeney does! PORN AND UNSAVORY POLITICS.) Unfortunately, he was overruled by his wife who is OK with Zac Efron getting porn, anarchy, and The Real Housewives of the Outer Planets. (L: A+) Papa Tam adds, though, that Zac Efron had better use his "dedicated source box" to become a super genius doctor.
Our tragically abbreviated journey begins with stock war footage. There are explosions and bullets whizzing by as a band of futuristic aircraft gun down a group of soldiers. Welcome to Firefly everyone!
A man in a brown coat makes his way down a hill and safely into a bunker. Inside, he's addressed by another soldier as "sergeant." Sergeant Brown Coat is told that command is holding air support, but as we just saw, they could use some air support ASAP. He barks out a few orders right before a big blast makes everyone look at each other all, "we're totally gonna die, aren't we?"
Sweeney: It's a Joss Whedon show, so I'm sure some of you are correct!
A man in a brown coat makes his way down a hill and safely into a bunker. Inside, he's addressed by another soldier as "sergeant." Sergeant Brown Coat is told that command is holding air support, but as we just saw, they could use some air support ASAP. He barks out a few orders right before a big blast makes everyone look at each other all, "we're totally gonna die, aren't we?"
Sweeney: It's a Joss Whedon show, so I'm sure some of you are correct!