This book is absolutely taking over bookish communities right now. I read it, in good faith, because I heard good reviews even before it was published. I hated it. It is in fact so bad that it can be snarked, chapter by chapter. Hello, welcome.
Previously: Disco Ball hanging in trees, more a stalker than we originally knew. — Marines: Hello! Extended breaks are a thing around Snark Squad, but things went especially south in the...
Previously: Hardin loved Tessa but then he didn’t lol. — Marines: Tessa negotiates a good deal on an okay 2010 Corolla. She calls her mom with the news, but her mom...
Previously: Murder in the pot commune. — Something InHuman This Way Comes Marines: There’s always a story about why we fall super behind our own schedules. This time, I rage quit...
Hokay. So this episode starts out at the bombing site, still the night of. The head FBI guy, Atwood, tells Maggie Q to look into all the usual suspects and to heighten security. I'm taking a moment to tell you that the playback on the ABC website is shitty, and makes rewatching this episode difficult. Get it together, ABC.
Marines: They also play like 27 years worth of commercials. Get it together, THIS IS THE INTERNET.
Marines: They also play like 27 years worth of commercials. Get it together, THIS IS THE INTERNET.
I should've known this episode was called "Pilot." I feel like I tell you every time it comes up but it annoys me when pilots are titled Pilot.
But I'm starting off on a wrong foot. Hi, hello! Welcome to a new show because we are the little engine that could keep starting new shows when we have a billionty pending to finish. Hey, look y'all. We work with the recappers we got. And for this recap, we got Samantha (late of Supernatural but currently on Supergirl and Pretty Little Liars) and Dani (responsible for bringing us all the joy that is BrainDead).
But I'm starting off on a wrong foot. Hi, hello! Welcome to a new show because we are the little engine that could keep starting new shows when we have a billionty pending to finish. Hey, look y'all. We work with the recappers we got. And for this recap, we got Samantha (late of Supernatural but currently on Supergirl and Pretty Little Liars) and Dani (responsible for bringing us all the joy that is BrainDead).
Lights up on Leery Manor as Dawson and a girl that COULD BE JOEY are in his room watching movies. Only just kidding, it's totally Gretchen. And the movie they're watching is one of Mr. Brooks'. Dawson laments that he wants to hate Mr. Brooks' work (wonder what it's like to want to hate something that badly, hmmm blonde spider?) but then goes on to call it a 'heartbreaking work of staggering genius' and I'm throwing up too hard to wonder if it's hyperbole.
Open with Joey in the guidance office, being told by an very well-coiffed counselor that "it suits you," the 'it' in this situation being the panicky doe-eyed look that Joey seems to have as a high school senior applying for colleges. Someone should probably tell the counselor that's just how her face is, though. Joey makes a crack about just going to clown college but the counselor reassures her that she's actually doing really well on the whole process. Except, of course, for a completely arbitrary (and possibly made up) peer-review from ‘the person who knows her best’ which will OF COURSE necessitate a choice between Pacey and Dawson.
This chapter starts off amazingly well: "I was having a bad week." Bella, girl. You're having a bad LIFE. But guess what, y'all? Her bad week has very little to do with the fact that Victoria's back and everything to do with the fact that no one will turn her into a vampire several weeks ahead of schedule. She argues that being a weak little human person is a terrible idea with Victoria around, but the Cullen-Hales point out that there are seven of them versus one of Victoria and for some inexplicable reason, they all want Bella to stay safe.
Bella opens up this chapter by telling us that she's surprised she's still alive. It's been 3 chapters since my last chapter so I can't remember why she's almost dying this time. Is it still because her boyfriend broke up with her or because her emotional crutch did? Let's read on and see.
Oh! It's because she keeps expecting Victoria to kill her in her sleep. Good for her. That's a legit reason to be surprised by your life.
Oh! It's because she keeps expecting Victoria to kill her in her sleep. Good for her. That's a legit reason to be surprised by your life.
If you want to know why this show is MEH to watch and painful to recap, let's take today's opening scene: Supergirl is flying around and all we see is her SHADOW. Her voice over says that she's always felt like a SHADOW of a person. Are the writers even trying?
Samantha: Maybe this is the first ever attempt at letting a computer write a show and all it has to go on is bad metaphors and cliches?
Catherine: Shut up, you guys. IT'S DEEP.
Samantha: Maybe this is the first ever attempt at letting a computer write a show and all it has to go on is bad metaphors and cliches?
Catherine: Shut up, you guys. IT'S DEEP.
LOOK AT ME! I'm recapping an episode of Supernatural!
...which probably explains why this is all late because I'm messing up Kirsti's timeliness completely. Sorry I'm the worst!
Kirsti: Who cares about timeliness when it means I GET AN EPISODE OFF WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Mari: Oh, okay. I feel better!
Carry on my wayward son! I've been around these parts long enough to know that this song means we've reached finale time. There is a round of extended, season-long previouslies that ends with Sam walking out on Dean.
...which probably explains why this is all late because I'm messing up Kirsti's timeliness completely. Sorry I'm the worst!
Kirsti: Who cares about timeliness when it means I GET AN EPISODE OFF WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Mari: Oh, okay. I feel better!
Carry on my wayward son! I've been around these parts long enough to know that this song means we've reached finale time. There is a round of extended, season-long previouslies that ends with Sam walking out on Dean.
You may remember in early September that we did a little poll to pick a new Fall 2015 show to review. Lots of you guys voted for Supergirl and it won, you may also remember. (S: Thank god it wasn't Scream Queens, thank god it wasn't Scream Queens.) (M: It can't be as bad as Gotham, it can't be as bad as Gotham.) (C: Not a high bar, you guys.)
You may not remember much else but that's okay, because I'm here to help.
You may not remember much else but that's okay, because I'm here to help.
First things first, friends. I was a teenager in the 90s, so obviously all I can think of when I see this episode title is this:
We should really #snarkathon that, now that I think of it.
Marines: Not a bad idea. I'll remind you of this when it's your turn to wake up stupid early on Sunday to lead one again.
K: Thank you.
We open at a mental hospital. A girl named Anna stares spacily out the window as she's informed that she's in a mental hospital.
We should really #snarkathon that, now that I think of it.
Marines: Not a bad idea. I'll remind you of this when it's your turn to wake up stupid early on Sunday to lead one again.
K: Thank you.
We open at a mental hospital. A girl named Anna stares spacily out the window as she's informed that she's in a mental hospital.
We open with a close up of an iron pentagram, then pan down to see that Sam and Ruby 2.0 have a demon tied up underneath it. Sam asks where Lilith is, and the demon sasses at him. We then get in a double dose of misogyny shots when the demon says that Sam's "slutting around" with Ruby and then calls her a bitch. Not even 30 seconds in and we're two shots down. It's going to be a long road, friends...
Marines: At this rate, though, we won't even feel it.
K: Thank Heaven for small mercies.
Sam does his angry nostril twitch and holds his hand out. The demon pukes up black smoke, which burns away into the floor.
Marines: At this rate, though, we won't even feel it.
K: Thank Heaven for small mercies.
Sam does his angry nostril twitch and holds his hand out. The demon pukes up black smoke, which burns away into the floor.