Tag: if you have sex you will die

Breaking Dawn Chapter 14 – New pants saga

Jacob returns to the Cullens' house to find Edward has left out a set of clothes for him. He takes the clothes that reek of vampire back to the forest to make sure Edward hasn't played a trick on him or given him ladies clothes or something. Because cross dressing is both HILARIOUS and something to be embarrassed and ashamed about. Haha, lol.

Breaking Dawn Chapter 07 – The Mystical Pregnancy

Yet another chapter begins with Bella's fake psychic dreams. I'm not gonna recap this one and waste your precious time. Just imagine heavy-handed descriptions about dark “ruby eyes” and another vampire child and you've got the gist of it. Or just read the rest of these recaps and then go back and imagine that Bella had a dream that vaguely predicted the plot of the story for reasons that are never explained and never come up again.

Breaking Dawn Chapter 06 – You’re getting very sleepy.

Edward is sticking to his guns and refusing to have sex with Bella again as long as she's human. Which is tricky cuz Bella can't get enough of the sparkle peen and wants it bad.
Marines: Oh my goodness, you mean we are still denying Bella any fulfillment of her sexual desires with a ring on it? Color me shocked.
Kirsti: Whaaaaaaat?? I NEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS TURN OF EVENTS.

BrainDead S01 E05 – Bacon-wrapped Beefcake

The “previously on BrainDead” songs have quickly become one of my favorites things about this show. Whatever you do, don't fast-forward through them.
Marines: "You can count on him when booty calls." 
Perfection.
Dani: This episode begins right where the previous one left off — with Laurel repeating what she just said because Anthony couldn’t hear her. He claims it’s just his tinnitus, which is worse in the morning, but Laurel and I remain skeptical. Then he tells her he has to get to work and asks if he can use her restroom.

BrainDead S01 E02 – Chess kills.

Episode 2 begins with a “previously on Braindead” recap that’s written and sung by the king of geek culture, Jonathan Coulton (the guy whose cover was ripped off by FOX/Glee sparking a controversy that led to a plotline on The Good Wife and also this gig).
Marines: A recent episode of The OC we recapped featured one of my favorite TV things EVER, episode specific changes to the credit sequence. I went off on a whole sidebar about how much I love it. That said, this might be just as good as that. HOW WONDERFUL.

BrainDead S01 E01 – #TeamMagicallyDelicious

The show begins with a collection of TV screens displaying clips from our current election cycle. Scrawled across them, we get the following message:
“In the year 2016 there was a growing sense that people were losing their minds... And no one knew why...Until now."
Marines: Well, shit. That's scary because I do think people are losing their minds, but I'm not sure how I feel about zombie bugs as a reason...

Dollhouse S01 E13 – Hot Water

I'm absolutely certain that last episode was the last one I saw during my first watch. If I recall correctly, Fox didn't air this episode, so THIS IS EXCITING! Snow status activated.
Stephanie: I'm jealous! Can I be a kinda-snow because I don't remember what happens? 
Sweeney: It's a white Christmas around here! WINTER HAS COME.
Mari: Felicia Day! starts us off in some clearly combat sort of scenario.

Charmed S02 E05 – Ew.

It's another night at the hippest place in SF, P^3. There's a heat wave and Phoebe's so hot, she's rubbing ice all over her body and attracting the male patrons. Piper shoos the onlookers off and notes that Phoebe’s burning up. Phoebe says she doesn't feel sick, she feels hot and aroused. Nope. I don't want this episode.
Marines: Meanwhile, after I saw that opening? I did a little NOT MINE! dance.

Veronica Mars S02 E07 – Exploring New Opportunities

Billionaire Bros Bungalow. Duncan's trying to have sexytimes with Veronica, but he's so incredibly boring that she'd much rather entertain herself with her adorable impression of The Dude. (L: Friend, even your KISSES are boring. Find help.) Duncan turns off The Big Lebowski and finally gets her attention, only to be cockblocked by the return of his new roommate. Things are awkward and Logan is generally as rude as possible. Veronica's attempt at playing nice is interrupted by a knock at the door. It's Kendall and she recognizes Veronica as "iPod girl with the waxy eared boyfriend." Logan squeezes in a few more asshole comments and away they go.

Dawson’s Creek S01 E05 – Genetic doucheface tendencies

Shrine O'Spielberg. Dawson and Joey are having a disaster movie marathon because there's a hurricane a-blowin'. Gail and her not-so-secret lover Bob are covering the storm on TV, and are overtly flirting with each other during the broadcast because they're bad at secrets. Dawson's parents still don't know that he knows about the affair, and he's too tired to deal with feelings, so he asks Joey, "You mind if I sack?" Is this an actual thing that humans say? (K: Maybe it was in the 90s??) Anyway, Joey basically tells him to deal with his shit instead of hiding out in the storm. Instead, he broods and watches his mother and her mastress (man-mistress? Guys, it's so sexist that there isn't a word for this!) on the news.

Dawson’s Creek S01 E04 – Secret sexy times

We open in Dawson's Shrine o' Spielberg. He's watching his footage back (read: creepily talking about how perfect Jen is) while Joey sasses about how Jen's future is sooooooooo predictable - she'll go to a small liberal arts college, major in art history, move back to Manhattan, marry a stockbroker, move to the suburbs and raise neurotically perfect children. Dawson changes the subject to what he should get his parents for their wedding anniversary, and um, NOTHING??? Unless buying your parents an anniversary present is a thing in America and I'm not aware of it?!
Democracy Diva: Yeah, definitely have never done that. I think maybe I gave them a card when we had a big dinner for their 30th anniversary, but in general, this is not a thing in my circles.

Supernatural S01 E07 – Let’s hook up

A sorority house at Eastern Iowa University. A mousy looking girl dresses for a date in a denim skirt and long sleeved button up blouse. She asks her roommate what she thinks, and said roommate "Oh, honey, no"s her. (S: True friend material.) She crosses to her dresser and grabs a midriff baring lacy red halter top and insists that Mousy Girl wear that instead. After a little reluctance, Mousy Girl puts it on. Ho Suspension Roommate approves and tells her not to do anything she wouldn't. Mousy Girl says that there's nothing she wouldn't do as she heads out. "That's true," Ho Suspension Roommate grins as she flips through her magazine.
Cut to an SUV pulling up under a wooden bridge in the dark. From the shadows, we see a silver hook glint. Mousy Girl says that she thought they were going to a party, and her date says they can't possibly arrive on time. She eyerolls a little at his obviousness, then leans over and kisses him.

Angel S04 E09 – Human Kinder Eggs

After the previouslies make me reach for the brain bleach again, we're in Angel's room where he's sketching The Beast. (Welcome back, Angel/art OTP!) Lorne walks in with a glass of blood and Angel basically tells him to get out. Lorne says that he's done with the game playing, and Angel's all "What game playing?" Lorne adopts a moody teenager voice to say "Don't interrupt me, I'm brooding," which is quite possibly the greatest thing to ever happen in this show.
Angel claims to be researching rather than brooding, but Lorne's not buying it because everyone else is researching downstairs as a team, not alone in their mopeyness. Angel says that he works better alone, and Lorne retorts that it's not all about him and that champions (SHOTS!!) don't get to take personal days.

Pretty Little Liars S01 E20 – Always Check the Send Box

Spencer and Emily are returning to Spencer's house from school when MariskaMom arrives to deliver very bad news. The police have issued a warrant and will now be going through the entire Hastings house, including Spencer's room. She runs up there to stop them, but they're boxing up all of her shit - diaries, laptop, notebooks. Can someone with a criminal justice degree please tell me if this would EVER happen based on the evidence they have on Spencer? Which is, none.
Spencer wants her mom to make them stop, but MariskaMom says they're just doing their jobs. Ian shows up just in time to do a long, creepy stare into the room, while drinking a glass of milk. Wtf.