Hello, Snarkers of the internet. I am so, so happy to be revisiting my absolute favorite show of the 90’s. My love for Joshua Jackson runs, to this day, as deep as it ever has. As does my hatred of Katie Holmes' acting abilities.
Kirsti: Shocker that the rest of the main quartet are now famous for their acting abilities while she's famous for having been married to a lunatic.
Pacephine is fishing and kissing to the delight of millions. Unfortunately, they're only a few hours from Capeside, when Pacey pitches the idea to just live off the boat LITERALLY FOREVER. And just never go back. He speechifies about how they'd only miss recycled plot lines and other meta things like that, and they should probably just never go back and continue making out. Then they jump off the boat holding hands in slow motion.
We start with an incredibly long montage. At Leery Manor, Dawson stares moodily at the ugly-ass painting that Aunt Gwen gave him. Joey stares sadly up at Dawson's window. Pacey is...watering his boat?? IDEK, you guys. He's hosing down the boat while wearing an awful Hawaiian shirt. Jen walks out of Chez Grams to find Henry standing outside like the creepy serial killer that he is, holding a sign that reads "Jen Lindley: would you please forgive me?" It's like that scene in Love Actually but weirder. Jen nopes her way back inside, and Grams smirks.
Democracy Diva: Stop smiling, Grams. This douchenozzle wants to guilt your granddaughter into sex.
Democracy Diva: Stop smiling, Grams. This douchenozzle wants to guilt your granddaughter into sex.
Because the gods of Squee have been good to us, we begin exactly where we left off - in the first ever Paceyphine make-out sesh. Our beautiful moment sailing our ship on the high seas of feels ends quickly enough when Joey shoves Pacey away from her and calls him insane.
Kirsti: See, kids, this is why consent is important, even when your ship is sailing.
Diva: Yup, I have a consent rant coming too!
Kirsti: See, kids, this is why consent is important, even when your ship is sailing.
Diva: Yup, I have a consent rant coming too!
Remember that whole thing from AN ENTIRE SEASON AGO where Joey was into art? Yeah. Apparently she's into art again, because she's painting a mural on a wall at school. She's also borrowed Buffy's Overalls of Overall Sadness. (D: Between this and the "tabula rasa" reference later in the episode, I'm considering this two #crossovermagic episodes in a row.) (K: Motion carried.) Pacey walks up and smiles at her fondly. I flail a little. She asks what he's doing there, and he says he's hoping he'll absorb some of her genius by osmosis or something. Joey joins the dots and realises that he's been kicked out of home again. Pacey says that his eldest sister has left her husband and moved home, along with her small screaming children. Oof.
We open at the Potter B&B, which makes a pleasant change. Joey's helping Pacey run lines for the play, but gets all "skrrrt, NO" when she sees that the next page requires her to get all swoony and lovey-dovey. Oh, sweetie. Just give it a few more episodes.
Democracy Diva: Is it too early to squee? I feel like it's too early to squee.
K: It's never too early to squee.
Democracy Diva: Is it too early to squee? I feel like it's too early to squee.
K: It's never too early to squee.
We begin with the dulcet tones of "Ain't too Proud to Beg," and the dancing-in-the-kitchen scene from The Big Chill. Dawson, Joey, and Pacey debate over whether people actually dance in the kitchen. (I do, and I am not ashamed to admit it.)
Kirsti: I'm going to copy directly from my notes here. "Excuse you, Joey. Everyone dances in the kitchen if they're doing life right." So yeah. I do.
Diva: YEAH. WE'RE GOOD AT LIFE, DAMMIT.
Kirsti: I'm going to copy directly from my notes here. "Excuse you, Joey. Everyone dances in the kitchen if they're doing life right." So yeah. I do.
Diva: YEAH. WE'RE GOOD AT LIFE, DAMMIT.
Jen and Pacey are having a domestic moment, grocery shopping and arguing about what to cook for Thanksgiving at Grams’s, which is conveniently ruining their sex-buddies situation. Pacey blames Jen for the fact that this situation has not actually happened yet, and she just kinda laughs at his foreplay, which, RUDE. Then Jen comes up with the brilliant idea to do it immediately before/during/after the Grams Turkey Day God Fest '99.
Pacey says, uh, kinda have to spend the holiday with own my terrible family at some point. (K: I don't even want to think about how horrible a Witter family Thanksgiving would be...) (D: I'm thankful we were spared a scene at the Witter house.)
Pacey says, uh, kinda have to spend the holiday with own my terrible family at some point. (K: I don't even want to think about how horrible a Witter family Thanksgiving would be...) (D: I'm thankful we were spared a scene at the Witter house.)
Shrine o' Spielberg. Due to their sad tragic single status and the fact that it's apparently a million degrees, movie night's list of attendees has been reduced to Dawson and Pacey. It may also have something to do with how much they're sweating. Seriously, it's gross:
Democracy Diva: For real. They don't even look like they're sweating - they just look like they're covered in baby oil.
K: YES. Which, to be honest, they probably were.
Pacey bemoans the state of their lives, and also how much Indian summer sucks, thereby earning himself a shiny gold star.
Democracy Diva: For real. They don't even look like they're sweating - they just look like they're covered in baby oil.
K: YES. Which, to be honest, they probably were.
Pacey bemoans the state of their lives, and also how much Indian summer sucks, thereby earning himself a shiny gold star.
We open, predictably, in the Shrine o' Spielberg. Joey's crying her way through the first cut of Dawson's autobiographical shitfest. As it finishes, he asks for her opinion. "In my whole life, I've never been so unequivocally moved by words and moving images on screen!" she says before continuing that this movie will change people's lives. Dawson's thrilled. Joey says that there's no doubt that Jack McPhee will be one of the great filmmakers of our generation. Dawson's all "Skrrrrt, WHAT". He grabs the tape from the VCR and finds that it says it was directed by Jack.
He's confused. Jack climbs in the window, and he and Joey gush over each other for a minute before Jack says that he bumped into Spielberg and has been offered a job.
He's confused. Jack climbs in the window, and he and Joey gush over each other for a minute before Jack says that he bumped into Spielberg and has been offered a job.
Shrine o' Spielberg. Pacey's watching Jerry Maguire as Dawson walks in carrying homework. It seems that Pacey's been hanging out at Leery Manor every day so that his douchey father doesn't know he got suspended. Um. Do they not inform your parents of suspensions in America, or is this a TV Land thing??
Democracy Diva: Oh, I thought he was just avoiding his douchey father's rage, but that Douchey Father did know about the suspension. If not, then yeah, that's definitely just a TV Land thing.
K: CONFUSION.
Democracy Diva: Oh, I thought he was just avoiding his douchey father's rage, but that Douchey Father did know about the suspension. If not, then yeah, that's definitely just a TV Land thing.
K: CONFUSION.
Shrine O'Spielberg. Jack has made a perfect scaled exact replica of Capeside for Dawson to use in his movie. It looks like something that would take months to do, but sure, let's pretend he just did this over the weekend!
Kirsti: Come on, Diva. We've already established that time moves differently in Capeside. Given that Dawson and Joey's first kiss seemed to last for like six months when the seasons are taken into consideration, Jack's probably had tons of time!
Kirsti: Come on, Diva. We've already established that time moves differently in Capeside. Given that Dawson and Joey's first kiss seemed to last for like six months when the seasons are taken into consideration, Jack's probably had tons of time!
Shrine o' Spielberg. Dawson flails over the fact that he and Joey have made it through their first post-break up movie night while Joey drinks Diet Coke because sponsorship is important. She makes noises about leaving, but he wants her to help him pick the actress who'll play Sammy (read: loosely disguised Joey) in his new shitty movie. Joey suggests finding someone who can make the role less like her, but Dawson's all "LOL NOPE". She's surprised by how okay he is about everything between them, and he says that as she's dating Jack and has clearly moved on, he can let go. This makes her sad panda and I headdesk. She leaves.
I DON'T WANNA WAIT.
I DON'T WANNA WAIT.
hrine O'Spielberg. Pacey is playing Dawson while Dawson tries to add something anyone but him gives a shit about character details to his script. Dawson explains that The Great Santini is about father-son angst, which Pacey knows a bit about. Dawson proves he understands nothing about his best friend by saying dumb things, like this:
The boys establish that they have a father-son fishing trip coming up this weekend with both their fathers. Pacey wants to know if Dawson respects his dad; he replies, "I'd hate to live in a world where I didn't." Ugh. What a drama queen. Just say yes. Anyway, Pacey insists that this isn't a real answer, but he gives a similar non-answer when Dawson turns the question on him. (K: FEELS)
The boys establish that they have a father-son fishing trip coming up this weekend with both their fathers. Pacey wants to know if Dawson respects his dad; he replies, "I'd hate to live in a world where I didn't." Ugh. What a drama queen. Just say yes. Anyway, Pacey insists that this isn't a real answer, but he gives a similar non-answer when Dawson turns the question on him. (K: FEELS)
Shrine O'Spiel-BLERG THEY'RE MAKING OUT EW EW EW. Will I ever be able to watch Dawson and Joey kiss without recoiling in disgust? Probs not. Anyway, the bedroom door opens and a hand very creepily reaches inside to shut off the television.
Kirsti: SO CREEPY OMG. And also, no. You will never be able to watch Dawson kiss ANYONE without recoiling in disgust. Or maybe that's just my experience...
Diva: This is shot to look sort of like a horror movie, because Kevin Williamson is the worst, but it's actually just Dawson's parents catching him in a horizontal tonsil-hockey tournament with the girl who's been sleeping in his bed for the last fifteen years.
Kirsti: SO CREEPY OMG. And also, no. You will never be able to watch Dawson kiss ANYONE without recoiling in disgust. Or maybe that's just my experience...
Diva: This is shot to look sort of like a horror movie, because Kevin Williamson is the worst, but it's actually just Dawson's parents catching him in a horizontal tonsil-hockey tournament with the girl who's been sleeping in his bed for the last fifteen years.