Tag: Kate hatin’

Grey Chapter 14 – Talk to the groin.

Grey starts his day by casually jogging past Ana’s new apartment. He chuckles to himself about what a stalker he is but then immediately gets defensive. He’s just out for a run, OK? ‘It’s a free country’. Dude, there’s no one else here. You’re literally arguing with yourself right now about whether or not you’re being a stalker.
Marines: So, really, the question is if you are a deranged stalker or a super deranged stalker. It's a close call.

Grey Chapter 12 – Trust me, you liked it.

We pick up the emails right where they left off last time, but now it's 12:03am, so it's a new day, see? Grey sends back an email asking why Ana said she doesn't like him. If you are an author who figures that including full email transcripts is a super excellent way to fill your book, what do you do between emails?

Grey Chapter 11 – Symbolic Bullshit

Before we get started on this chapter, I’d like to thank Mari for picking up chapter 9 (the sex contract chapter) while I was completely swamped with finishing my masters degree. However, I've kind of screwed myself over, because now I have to cover this extremely long chapter instead. Come back, sex contract! All is forgiven! (Not really).
Marines: I love you, but this worked out so well for me.

Grey Chapter 08 – Plateau of terribleness

In a small paragraph that's obviously just left over from last chapter, Grey informs us that he goes to bed sometime after 1 a.m. He's excited to continue work on his new project – Anastasia Steele: Virgin.
Alex: Fucksake. He actually calls her "a new project". We're literally three sentences into the chapter and I'm already getting a rage migraine.
Marines: If you want to black out early, try thinking about whether incessant talk of training her is worse than "new project."
J: Nothing is worse. We've just reached a plateau where everything is terrible.

Grey Chapter 06 – Longest. Chapter. Ever.

My last recap was mostly just a bunch of stuff from FSoG slightly rewritten from Grey’s PoV. It seems that I’ve got pretty much the same deal this time, only A MILLION TIMES WORSE, because now I have the dubious honour of recapping Grey’s first sex scene.
Luckily, though, I have a while to prepare myself for that, because this is also the LONGEST CHAPTER OF ALL TIME. It just keeps going and going. I’ll be surprised if anyone is even still reading by the time we get to the sex part.
Jessica: Your perseverance in not only reading, but writing, is impressive. Just reading this took colossal effort.

Grey Chapter 05 – LEAVE KATE ALONE

We start with Grey standing in front of the bathroom mirror, contemplating how much amazing sleep he's gotten lately and thinking about Ana. He says “As I shave, the asshole in the mirror stares back at me with cool, gray eyes” and before I finish the sentence my brain has already leapt to OH GOD HE'S SHAVING HIS ASSHOLE YOU GUYS. And I realize I'm ruined forever. I hope you're happy, Mari.
Alex: In case you were wondering, the italicised outbursts from Grey's penis while he shaves are 'Liar' swiftly followed by 'Fuck'. Maybe that razor got a little too close for comfort.

Grey Chapter 03 – Men or tea?

It's the day after Grey's stalker-shopping trip. He's out for an early-morning run as he listens to Moby and recalls dreaming about Ana last night. (J: For some reason, knowing Grey listens to Moby makes me laugh.) In his dream she was on her knees and calling him 'sir'. How sweet. His run apparently goes on for TWO WHOLE HOURS, although E.L. James thankfully manages to resist the urge to narrate the entire thing and instead skips to Grey jogging past a coffee shop on his way back to the hotel. He briefly considers asking Ana out for a coffee date, but then he laughs at himself because that's something a normal non-murdery person would do. Ew.

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 19 – The Evil Kenevil of Panties

Grey is waking Ana up with soft kisses but napping is better than any kiss, so Ana turns around and tries to keep sleeping. I approve. Grey tells Ana she has to wake up because they have to be at his parent's house for dinner in half an hour. Ana is nervous about meeting Grey's parents, especially because he's just "worked [her] over with a riding crop and tied [her] up using a cable [she] sold him, for heaven's sake." As if the fact that she sold him the cable has any bearing on this. Oh, he tied you up? That's cool. WAIT YOU SOLD HIM THE CABLE?

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 17 – What’s A Pap Smear Go For These Days?

E.L. James likes to end scenes with falling asleep, because it's quick and easy and because she learned all her writing skillz from the second grade. If the last page of this book says "it was all a dream," I QUIT LIFE. We start chapter 17 with -shock- Ana waking up. She was dreaming of a candle flame and she's a moth flying right for the light. She says, "I'm flying too close to the sun," and even though she doesn't mention Icarus, that's like a copy paste from two pages ago. Ana realizes that she's dreaming of hot things because Grey is draped across her and his body is making her hot. I know this is really nuanced writing here, but try to keep up. We're told that Grey's body heat is suffocating Ana. If we've learned anything from all the times her breathing has failed her, though, it's that Ana lives not by oxygen alone. I think she actually breathes gray eyes, abusive relationships and hating Katherine Kavanagh. She proves this by taking a moment out from suffocating to be really happy that Grey spent the night in her bed.

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 14 – Happy Graduating Wet Submissive Day!

The first few pages of this chapter gave me a really weird, uncomfortable, sex-ed class vibe. See, Ana's having this dream about being tied up to a bed. Grey is above her wielding a leather riding crop, trailing it along her body until he gets to her vagAna. A few flicks of it and Ana's orgasm is waking her up from her dream.
The weird part is that Ana is astounded. She's never had a wet dream before, and by goly, she didn't even know dreaming about sex was possible! I swear to you she thinks, "I didn't know I could dream sex."

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 02: Hardware stores make me intense.

Ana hurries off the elevator, eager to get away from Grey, and almost falls. Again. I'm trying really hard here not to make the SHE IS BELLA SWAN observation, but I guess I just failed. Beyond that, I'm always very confused by authors who want to make their characters clumsy. I mean, I'm clumsy! I am. But it just always comes across so heavy handed in books. Ana just fell Bambi-style in Grey's office. Did we need her tripping off of an elevator a few pages later?
Ana tells us no less than four times that she has no idea what her reaction to Grey was all about. Well Ana, my personal opinion is that your reaction to Grey was all about you being an idiot. I guess we were supposed to glean that she was having a strong reaction to being around him. It's probably 'cause he's got all that built up static electricity.

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 01: My eyes are totally rolling in exasperation.

I knew precious little about the "Fifty Shades of Grey" series when I picked it up-- mostly that it had been appearing all over my Goodreads timeline and that it seemed to have a polarizing effect on readers.
I probably should've paid more attention to the, you know, description.
It was the very first page of the book that convinced me that this story was begging to be snarked: it opened with a girl checking herself out in a mirror! Aw, E.L. James. Way to take a page out of 90% of all Sweet Valley High books ever written.