Hello friends and welcome back to nonsensical murder college.
We open in a messy house, with a scruffy looking guy asleep in his underwear on the sofa. The shot flickers and he twitches in his sleep, then we're thrown into a montage of shots of various things, including Sam and the Bromobile in a weird grey-scale. Then we get a close up of a guy reaching for a comic book and the colour resolves. The boys walk in and introduce themselves as Agents DeYoung and Shaw, both of whom are in Styx. WOO, FAKE NAMES.
Annalise is in a hotel room somewhere, crying in bed. She gets up to grab some alcohol from the mini-bar, then we cut to her eating some delicious pasta, ignoring a call from Nate and hopping back into bed. We see this happen again and again- eat, drink, sleep drink- as title cards let us know that this is all taking place from Christmas to New Years. Plus, the show plays to its strengths and we get a few quality shots of Viola Davis's Tears.
Democracy Diva: First of all, there are worse ways to spend a holiday season. Second, I would wear the shit out of a perfume called Viola Davis's Tears.
Democracy Diva: First of all, there are worse ways to spend a holiday season. Second, I would wear the shit out of a perfume called Viola Davis's Tears.
We open at Buckland where Prue is appraising a tacky painting of a gothic castle. She points out that the composition is unusual but it’s really not. It’s just a castle sitting in the middle of the canvas and it's definitely a photograph that's been shopped to look painted. The painting belongs to a super nervous woman. She wants to sell it as soon as possible and she doesn’t care how much money they get for it. Her behavior leads me to believe that this is an Evil Painting. The scene ends on an ominous zoom in shot of the painting, so definitely evil.
Phoebe and Piper talk on the phone about how Phoebe crashed Prue’s car into a pole. It looks like Piper is prepping stuff for Wanna-Bronze. I can’t wait.
Phoebe and Piper talk on the phone about how Phoebe crashed Prue’s car into a pole. It looks like Piper is prepping stuff for Wanna-Bronze. I can’t wait.
At Rosewood High School for Processing your Stalkers, the Pretty Little Liars recap the last episode for us - the squatter in the DiLaurentis crawlspace and CeCe blaming all of these then-14-year-olds for getting her 21-year-old ass kicked out of college.
Marines: I feel it's my obligation to say that one of the girls say that napping isn't living, which is just more proof that they are doing life wrong.
Sweeney: We just need to sit them all down and have a chat.
Marines: I feel it's my obligation to say that one of the girls say that napping isn't living, which is just more proof that they are doing life wrong.
Sweeney: We just need to sit them all down and have a chat.
The girls are trying to sneak back into school after leaving midday to try and see Jenna. They were turned away, and Hanna laments not breaking out their candy striper outfits again. Spencer is pretty sure their teacher noticed them all missing but on they sneak. And by "sneak" I mean walk at a leisurely pace and exposit loudly in the halls about figuring out who drowned Jenna.
Emily gets a text message.
Emily, girl, you need to get your priorities in order.
Emily gets a text message.
Emily, girl, you need to get your priorities in order.
We begin, again, on Murder Night. At 12 Grimmauld Place, we rehash the Michaela is beyond terrified/Connor is verbally abusive and manic/Laurel is trying to stay calm and be helpful/Wes is snuggling Rebecca dynamic. Wes says he needs to get Rebecca out of here while the rest of them go to the woods, since she of all people can’t be found there.
Then there’s an angry knock on the door and everyone panics. It’s Asher, and he is PISSED. Not because of murder!reasons, but because Michaela stole his trophy. They all pretend not to be home, except Connor, who starts cackling like a sociopath. It’s not funny, except when Asher yells, “Are you bitches seriously trying to ignore me right now?” That was weirdly hilarious.
Then there’s an angry knock on the door and everyone panics. It’s Asher, and he is PISSED. Not because of murder!reasons, but because Michaela stole his trophy. They all pretend not to be home, except Connor, who starts cackling like a sociopath. It’s not funny, except when Asher yells, “Are you bitches seriously trying to ignore me right now?” That was weirdly hilarious.
Detective Tanner is preparing her coffee as she says that Hanna won't tell her anything about the gun she was apparently burying on a college campus. Tanner offers Hanna some coffee, and quips that she doesn't need a lawyer to answer that question. This is Rosewood, though, so you never know. Hanna turns down the offer. Tanner switches tactics and tells Hanna what she knows: Han was carrying a concealed weapon without a license, the gun is a .38 caliber revolver that holds six bullets, but only had four. Hanna could be looking at up to a seven-year-charge for just having the gun. Tanner asks Hanna to reconsider who she is protecting.
Sweeney: In Hanna's defense, I think there is literally nobody in Rosewood who actually remembers why they're doing anything at this point.
Sweeney: In Hanna's defense, I think there is literally nobody in Rosewood who actually remembers why they're doing anything at this point.
We get a good, old fashioned misdirection opening today, this time with a big pointy sword in Wesley's face. I'm happy to report that his hair is deflating, but unfortunately it is still not at acceptable levels.
Sweeney: I wonder if his Puff Level will prove comparable to John Green's as an indicator of stress level?
Kirsti: We can but hope, Sweeney.
Lor: Cordy is holding the sword. They banter about running through inventory, because Angel has been complaining about the weapons cabinet.
Sweeney: I wonder if his Puff Level will prove comparable to John Green's as an indicator of stress level?
Kirsti: We can but hope, Sweeney.
Lor: Cordy is holding the sword. They banter about running through inventory, because Angel has been complaining about the weapons cabinet.
Previously: We finally learn why Angel broods all the freakin’ time, Buffy’s mom “falls on a barbecue fork” and Darla is staked in a rather anti-climatic fashion. All in a...
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Sweeney: That is a screen cap of our WordPress dashboard before we hit publish on this post, making this the big one hundred. Obviously, it's time to break out the streamers, chocolate, and wine. Especially the wine. (Lor: Especially the chocolate wine!) (Good call)
In celebration of this momentous occasion, it was necessary for us to do a "classic" Childhood Trauma post. However, rather than just reading and recapping any old Goosebumps book, we each read a "Reader Beware: Choose Your Own Scare" book, and vlogged our experience
Lorraine: Even though I was involved in the brainstorming for this, reading back that explanation of why we decided to do this made me LOL. We seriously thought, "a Goosebumps book isn't BAD enough. We need something WORSE!"
K: We open at the cemetery. Buffy is fighting a vampire, as she’s known to do. She slays, and Giles judges, telling her that she should adopt a “plunge and move on” approach. I’ll take “Things you shouldn’t say to teenage girls when you’re a creepy old dude” for $200, Alex.
Lor: And it's the Daily Double!
Despite the Giles creepiness, though, he has a legit point. Mid-vampire ass whooping, Buffy quips SO SO MUCH. During this fight? "We haven't been properly introduced. I'm Buffy, and you're history."
Uuuugh.
Ana hurries off the elevator, eager to get away from Grey, and almost falls. Again. I'm trying really hard here not to make the SHE IS BELLA SWAN observation, but I guess I just failed. Beyond that, I'm always very confused by authors who want to make their characters clumsy. I mean, I'm clumsy! I am. But it just always comes across so heavy handed in books. Ana just fell Bambi-style in Grey's office. Did we need her tripping off of an elevator a few pages later?
Ana tells us no less than four times that she has no idea what her reaction to Grey was all about. Well Ana, my personal opinion is that your reaction to Grey was all about you being an idiot. I guess we were supposed to glean that she was having a strong reaction to being around him. It's probably 'cause he's got all that built up static electricity.
Ana tells us no less than four times that she has no idea what her reaction to Grey was all about. Well Ana, my personal opinion is that your reaction to Grey was all about you being an idiot. I guess we were supposed to glean that she was having a strong reaction to being around him. It's probably 'cause he's got all that built up static electricity.
Sweeney: “If you’re afraid of bees, I have to warn you – there are a lot of bees in this story. In fact, there are hundreds.” Thank you for beginning...