We start off in Caleb's hacker apartment, with the “suspicious storage unit was rented in Hanna's name” plot point. Caleb and Spencer are convinced that the barrel they found in there contains Mona's body, without, you know, having looked inside it. Maybe they've been reading the Rosewood LOLPD manual on how to investigate potential crime scenes.
Marines: They also haven't been paying enough attention to their lives to figure out that whatever they think happened is 100% not what happened.
We start where we left off, with Hannah making her way through the crowd, looking for the shooter. She pulls out her gun, someone yells "gun," there is sudden, general chaos, Hanna fires at the window. Her bullet hits the window frame and the sniper is still able to fire his own bullet. Secret Service agents take Hannah down. Tom pushes Alex down to safety. He looks at her and notices that there is blood on her shirt. He tells her she's been shot, but the blood isn't hers. It's his. Tom looks at his shoulder and he's like, "oh shit."
We open to the car crash, where Agent Hannah Wells is either dead or unconscious. Some dude comes to check on her, and he seems really kind, talking to her all calmly and telling her not to move her neck. Then he strangles her. Um… what? Why spend all that time comforting her if he’s an assassin who’s supposed to kill her? Maybe the show thought using misdirection here would add tension, but it just ends up making this guy look like the most incompetent assassin ever. I bet I know where he buys his assassin-gear.
It's 3 months later from last episode, because they don't want to do Christmas or winter anymore. (S: Yeah, this time jump was jarring.) We open on Mona's funeral. Our four Liars walk out of the church, commenting on the contents of the casket, which does not include a body. Nothing has been found out since Mona's disappearance/murder, and Spencer has been the only arrest. She's negative about the chances of the Bethany letter they discovered last episode making any difference. She thinks they should have told Detective Tanner about the perceived Holbrook/Alison affair, but Toby says Tanner wouldn't believe them and “needs to find out on her own.”
We start right back in the LOLPD station. The man who "kidnapped" Ali is staring creepily at the one-way window. On the other side, Detective Tanner is talking to Papa DiLaurentis. She explains that one of Ashley Marin's neighbors saw creepy dude (Cyrus) lurking in her backyard. Tanner tells Papa D to keep his mouth shut until the cops have evidence to press charges.
Papa D asks to see his daughter. We cut to a room where Alison is having emotions while looking at a mug shot of Cyrus. Papa D comes in and asks if this is the man who hurt Alison. She makes about 37 more faces before saying she doesn't know.
Papa D asks to see his daughter. We cut to a room where Alison is having emotions while looking at a mug shot of Cyrus. Papa D comes in and asks if this is the man who hurt Alison. She makes about 37 more faces before saying she doesn't know.
Marin Manor- Hanna's room. Spencer and Emily are taking on our job momentarily and poking holes in Ali's Noel-scares-Hanna's-mom plan from last episode. Spencer's particularly grumpy with her horse-kicked eye. (M: I'd be grumpy about everything with a horse-kicked-eye.) They all question Ali's decision but she snaps at them that Noel is the one she can trust, since all they do is ignore her SOS calls and spy on her every move. She storms out to go call her dad.
Sioux City, Iowa. Also known as the place where I first paid for accommodation on my own and freaked out that the Motel 6 was going to be all "Get out, child". But no. Anysegue, it's Iowa Celebrates Magic Week, and there are people on the street doing tricks with cards and doves and whatnot. At a bar, an old guy shows off his card tricks to the bartender AND OH MY GOD I'VE SEEN THIS EPISODE LIKE FIVE TIMES AND I JUST REALISED IT'S THE GUY WHO PLAYED BRAD IN ROCKY HORROR.
The bartender's impressed, but another magician - this one wearing a cape that I'm pretty sure he borrowed from Fake Dracula - pooh poohs his tricks and gives away the secret and is generally a dick.
The bartender's impressed, but another magician - this one wearing a cape that I'm pretty sure he borrowed from Fake Dracula - pooh poohs his tricks and gives away the secret and is generally a dick.
Prison. Two guards come to collect a prisoner who is Antonio Sabato, Jr. You'll probably recall that he was on the show previously but may not recall why. Basically, I'm describing myself. Thankfully they say his name right away so I don't have to keep typing Antonio Sabato, Jr.
Stephanie: I only remember Bane as the guy Prue made out with when she put on leather and became a Bad Girl for a day. I don't remember why he's in jail. I also don't care.
Stephanie: I only remember Bane as the guy Prue made out with when she put on leather and became a Bad Girl for a day. I don't remember why he's in jail. I also don't care.
So this is the 100th episode of this show. Let's do a quick round-up of what we know after approximately a century's worth of episodes.
Question 1: Is Alison alive?
Answer: Yes!
Question 2: Who is A?
Answer: No freaking clue.
Ok good, you're all caught up. On to the episode! (M: This is my favorite thing that's ever happened.)
Question 1: Is Alison alive?
Answer: Yes!
Question 2: Who is A?
Answer: No freaking clue.
Ok good, you're all caught up. On to the episode! (M: This is my favorite thing that's ever happened.)
Annalise is in a hotel room somewhere, crying in bed. She gets up to grab some alcohol from the mini-bar, then we cut to her eating some delicious pasta, ignoring a call from Nate and hopping back into bed. We see this happen again and again- eat, drink, sleep drink- as title cards let us know that this is all taking place from Christmas to New Years. Plus, the show plays to its strengths and we get a few quality shots of Viola Davis's Tears.
Democracy Diva: First of all, there are worse ways to spend a holiday season. Second, I would wear the shit out of a perfume called Viola Davis's Tears.
Democracy Diva: First of all, there are worse ways to spend a holiday season. Second, I would wear the shit out of a perfume called Viola Davis's Tears.
Aria cries as she fills her friends in on the ever-increasing creepiness of Ezra Fitz. See, he didn't kiss a random girl and THEN find out she was 16. He knew all along that she was a minor but he's awful and decided to exploit her anyway. Additionally, he had a "brief" relationship with Alison when she was 14. So. I actually just got really, really gaggy.
Sara: It seems like the word 'relationship' is not really accurate considering it was between a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD and a grown man in college. Gross gross gross gross.
Sara: It seems like the word 'relationship' is not really accurate considering it was between a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD and a grown man in college. Gross gross gross gross.
We open on Marin Manor where Spencer and Emily are doing dishes and being passive aggressive. Spencer apologizes for Toby, but says he's not ready to talk yet. Emily snaps that they need to focus on Hanna right now, which is Aria's cue to enternounce that these two talking is step 1 and getting Hanna to actually eat is step 2. Spencer suggests mozzarella sticks and I have a vague recollection of Hanna's love of mozzarella sticks being a thing in another episode, because obviously moments where the girls are being cute are vastly superior to anything vaguely resembling "plot." (L: Plus, FOOD.) The girls exposit that Hanna's being shut out of lawyer meetings and when Spencer suggests the others go home and rest, they insist that they're fine to stay because the only way to get Hanna through this is together. D'AWW. The downside of their cuteness is that there is nothing to snark when they are being adorable.
We begin the episode with what I thought was a scream, but is actually sirens. Hanna's eyes pop open. She calls out to her mom and goes downstairs to find her asleep on the patio off the kitchen, all bundled up. As Hanna explains that she had a nightmare, Ashley sits up and reveals that her hair has fallen out and she's wearing an orange jumpsuit. Fortunately this is just some sort of inception nightmare-within-a-nightmare, because Ashley I-hide-my-stolen-money-in-pasta-boxes Marin wouldn't last a day on Orange is the New Black. Back in Hanna's bed, she wakes up for real, screaming, and her mom comes to her. Hanna says she's fine and doesn't want to talk about her prison mom nightmare.
SHHHHH!
SHHHHH!
We open with a threatening knife. No, just kidding, it's a happy knife, because it's cutting cake, and cake is delicious. Veronica is trying to comfort-feed Wallace, because he has just implicated Rashard Rucker in a manslaughter. And they've said like eighty times (okay, twice) that Rashard Rucker = Lebron James, but I guess this was back when Lebron was a baby basketball star and not taking his talents to Miami. (Did I just accurately reference sports?) (L: Possibly! All I know is that he has since left Miami...)
Wallace insists he's fine, but Veronica is all, my ex-boyfriend just left town with his dead ex-girlfriend's vampire slayer baby so, just let me take care of you so I don't have to think about that.
Wallace insists he's fine, but Veronica is all, my ex-boyfriend just left town with his dead ex-girlfriend's vampire slayer baby so, just let me take care of you so I don't have to think about that.
Veronica stares broodily at her shitty school holiday-themed dessert. Duncan sits down excitedly, but Veronica's got no time for happy and cuts right to the "Your comatose girlfriend is pregnant" chase. Duncan confesses that he found this out from reading Meg's letter, and Veronica's upset that Duncan didn't tell her. Dick arrives to break the tension by inviting them to a big holiday party, which Duncan can't attend. Dick also nonchalantly exposits that Meg woke up. (L: God bless Ryan Hansen for trying to make this exposition work.) Once Dick leaves, Veronica gets into PI mode, pulling out her VISITOR pass from the last episode, assuring Duncan that she can get them in to see the no-longer-comatose Meg.
Democracy Diva: And her superhero vampire slayer fetus that can survive explosions and bus crashes and comas.
Democracy Diva: And her superhero vampire slayer fetus that can survive explosions and bus crashes and comas.