Previously: Surprise heir and another house on the Thames. — Marines: Max is in a cab, on his way back to the office. He gets a call from someone named...
We haven’t even finished recapping original flavor Charmed, but you all voted for this in the Fall TV Poll, so here we go. — Pilot Marines: Hi there and welcome! First...
Previously: Someone put something in her something. — Samantha: This chapter picks up right where we left off, with Tessa laying in Hardin’s arms. She begins to worry about her shower...
Hardin's eyes are on fire ("blazing") as he pulls Tessa onto the bed and on top of him. Tessa is straddling him, which she's done before, but now she's straddling him with very little clothing on. She stays up on her knees so they aren't touching but "Hardin isn't having it," and he pulls her all the way down. Because clearly what Hardin's having is the only thing on the menu.
Tessa tries to take a step back from Hardin, but "his grip is too strong." We're going to totally ignore her lack of bodily autonomy in this very moment because she's so! shocked! and! over! whelmed! that Hardin just said he wants to be good. If it is THIS SHOCKING that someone has set the pretty mid-level bar of being good, perhaps don't date that person. #SnarkLadyAdvice (S: #MaybeLiterallySavesLivesInThisCase.)
I'mma just preface this with I hate this mother fucking douche so much.
Hardin and Tessa go sit on the patio. Tessa says that his touch is literally burning her skin so someone get this girl some ice.
Marines: That's an allergic reaction, not romance, baby girl.
Samantha: Tessa tries to muster her harsh tone so, we'll see how long that lasts.
Hardin and Tessa go sit on the patio. Tessa says that his touch is literally burning her skin so someone get this girl some ice.
Marines: That's an allergic reaction, not romance, baby girl.
Samantha: Tessa tries to muster her harsh tone so, we'll see how long that lasts.
The chapter opens with Noah remarking that Hardin was pretty pleasant and not so bad, because Noah has never interacted with people, ever. Tessa starts thinking about the time she cheated on her boyfriend and crawls into said boyfriend's lap to find the fire again. He tries to push her off and asks what she's doing. Tessa gets embarrassed and says she wants to make out and Noah responds "Okay?" question mark included, so I'm feeling unsure about consent here. I continue to feel uncomfortable when Tessa starts to rock her hips against his and Noah stops her and she moves his hands and keeps doing it.
Tessa and Hardin are kissing, and she describes his warm tongue and cold lip ring. She also makes sure to let us know that she doesn't really know what's she's doing here, lest we think her a hussy, with all the kissing and all. (S: Wow this is just a painful block of a paragraph.) She goes on in detail about Hardin pulling her back on his bed and how this is just such a wonderful moment until she remembers Noah.
Grey hasn't gone to bed yet, but since we've passed midnight it's the next chapter. He broods at his piano instead. He's mad because Ana said she would try to change for him, but in the end she didn't. In fact, he tells himself that she “fell at the first hurdle.” Grey, I think last night was leagues away from the first hurdle. Way after the selling-your-car and stalking-your-life hurdles.
Bella wakes up again. At the beginning of every chapter she must wake up. It is the prophecy.
She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.
She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.
Bella runs down the stairs and throws the door open to find Jacob at the front door. Well, not quite at the door:
Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.
Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.
"He was standing about 6 feet back from the door, his nose wrinkled in distaste, but his face otherwise smooth - masklike."
Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.
Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.
We open at a bar. A late 30s blonde sits at the bar, sipping a cocktail and looking bored. Sam sits down next to her, acting super weird. He shows off his licence dramatically, talking about how he's 26. The bartender's all "I do not get paid enough for this shit", which is legit. He proceeds to order a banana daiquiri. Blonde Cougar introduces herself, and Sam says that his name is Gary. She flirts with him, and he's all "RIGHT?? I'm totally hot!"
His daiquiri arrives and for some reason, with every sip he takes, we're treated to that "okay, seriously, your drink is finished, stop convincing yourself you can get the last drop through the straw" sound, which makes zero sense.
His daiquiri arrives and for some reason, with every sip he takes, we're treated to that "okay, seriously, your drink is finished, stop convincing yourself you can get the last drop through the straw" sound, which makes zero sense.
We open in a messy house, with a scruffy looking guy asleep in his underwear on the sofa. The shot flickers and he twitches in his sleep, then we're thrown into a montage of shots of various things, including Sam and the Bromobile in a weird grey-scale. Then we get a close up of a guy reaching for a comic book and the colour resolves. The boys walk in and introduce themselves as Agents DeYoung and Shaw, both of whom are in Styx. WOO, FAKE NAMES.
We start with Grey standing in front of the bathroom mirror, contemplating how much amazing sleep he's gotten lately and thinking about Ana. He says “As I shave, the asshole in the mirror stares back at me with cool, gray eyes” and before I finish the sentence my brain has already leapt to OH GOD HE'S SHAVING HIS ASSHOLE YOU GUYS. And I realize I'm ruined forever. I hope you're happy, Mari.
Alex: In case you were wondering, the italicised outbursts from Grey's penis while he shaves are 'Liar' swiftly followed by 'Fuck'. Maybe that razor got a little too close for comfort.
Alex: In case you were wondering, the italicised outbursts from Grey's penis while he shaves are 'Liar' swiftly followed by 'Fuck'. Maybe that razor got a little too close for comfort.
First things first, friends. I was a teenager in the 90s, so obviously all I can think of when I see this episode title is this:
We should really #snarkathon that, now that I think of it.
Marines: Not a bad idea. I'll remind you of this when it's your turn to wake up stupid early on Sunday to lead one again.
K: Thank you.
We open at a mental hospital. A girl named Anna stares spacily out the window as she's informed that she's in a mental hospital.
We should really #snarkathon that, now that I think of it.
Marines: Not a bad idea. I'll remind you of this when it's your turn to wake up stupid early on Sunday to lead one again.
K: Thank you.
We open at a mental hospital. A girl named Anna stares spacily out the window as she's informed that she's in a mental hospital.