Previously: Stefan lies badly some more, but this time at a party! — You’re Undead To Me Nic: Hello, beautiful readers. I’m Nic, and I’m back for my first episode...
Kirsti: First of all, I'm not handing out gold stars in this episode because it would be like a freaking Oprah show - EVERYONE GETS A GOLD STAR!! Second of all, I hate this episode with the fire of a thousand suns. It's not that it's badly acted or shot or anything like that. It's just 42 minutes of bullshit that makes me indescribably angry, and I kind of can't believe the network signed off on producing this.
Sweeney: Woo! That's...uh...promising. -_-
Lorraine: Hold on:
Sweeney: Woo! That's...uh...promising. -_-
Lorraine: Hold on:
Ana is in total shock because apparently, if you are having sex, YOU CAN GET PREGNANT. Ana thinks about how much she doesn't want a baby and how she knows her husband is going to freak.
Dr. Best in Seattle says, "judging by your reaction, I suspect you're just a couple of weeks or so from conception-- four or five weeks pregnant." UM. WHAT? RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN. Because she was shocked, your super doctor skillz tell you she's four or five weeks pregnant? Shock is a measure of such things? Clearly, Dr. Best doesn't watch any TV.
Dr. Best in Seattle says, "judging by your reaction, I suspect you're just a couple of weeks or so from conception-- four or five weeks pregnant." UM. WHAT? RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN. Because she was shocked, your super doctor skillz tell you she's four or five weeks pregnant? Shock is a measure of such things? Clearly, Dr. Best doesn't watch any TV.
Finale time! We pick up where we left off last time, with the girls sitting on the bed, watching more Stalker videos. But the next video isn't of the PLLs; it's of Blind!Jenna, before she was blind, and Toby. Jenna has her arms around Toby and is telling him (and us) that it isn't really creepy because of how they aren't really related. Yeah, no. It's still creepy, girl. She goes on that if he doesn't get sexy with her, she'll tell his dad that he's been forcing her to have sex with him and obviously they'll believe her. So yeah. Jenna is a straight up rapist, and we now have lots of validity behind why we hate her. Thank goodness Hanna went ahead and slapped her that one time. (NEVER FORGET.)
Sweeney: The chapter begins with Ana waking up to being physically smothered not-quite-to-death by Grey. She notes that he is "so needy on some level." LOL, you think? This makes her think of baby!Grey just for your chapter-beginning pedobear EW moment. She wakes him up and he blinks a couple of times. I imagine that we are told about people blinking as many times in these three books as in the whole rest of literature.
Lorraine: I like that comparing these books to the whole rest of literature has become a thing. It really gives scope to the bullshit.
Sweeney: That's what we're all about: giving everyone a proper bullshit metric.
Lorraine: I like that comparing these books to the whole rest of literature has become a thing. It really gives scope to the bullshit.
Sweeney: That's what we're all about: giving everyone a proper bullshit metric.
Ana knows she's in deep trouble because she's topless on a European beach. Grey picks up her bikini top, throws it at her and hisses for her to get dressed. Ana tries to tell him that no one is looking, on account of this being A EUROPEAN BEACH but she's Ana Freakin' Steele so of course people are looking at her magical boobs. I'm sure a rainbow can be found between them and there is a unicorn that rides back and forth in merry bliss. Ooooor, Grey is a possessive asshole and no one else in the world gives any shits about Ana's boobs. Either or.
Sweeney: I always struggle with these multiple choice quizzes.
Lor: I make them difficult on purpose.
Sweeney: I always struggle with these multiple choice quizzes.
Lor: I make them difficult on purpose.
After writing 22 separate posts about how terrible this book is, it has reached a point where we're not even sure how to simplify how much it sucks. Just in case you were looking for the tl;dr version (not to be confused with our usual snark which is more TOO TERRIBLE; PLEASE DON'T READ), we've put together a list of the stand-out awful moments, courtesy of one Christian Grey. Consider this your, "Fifty Shades Darker is Awful Talking Points Cheat Sheet."
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