Tag: pedoalert

Breaking Dawn Chapter 08 – Nopesville, pop. 4 Snark Ladies

Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob's perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.
Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella's perspective is Jacob's perspective. 
Annie: See, I'd completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it's still written by SMeyer.

Eclipse Chapter 08 – Baby Love

Bella and Jacob end up on the beach again, and he asks if she thinks the Cullens will come get her. She says they won't, but that they'll be hella pissed when she goes back. He suggests not going back, and her only response is that Charlie would love that because he's biased towards "my Quileute friends". Uh. You mean Jacob? The rest tolerate you because of him, girl.
Annie: Actually, Charlie is biased towards anyone who isn't the controlling, abusive, blood-thirsty boyfriend, but you tell yourself whatever makes you happier to stay in that relationship, Bells.

Game of Thrones S05 E09 – Happy Hunger Games!

Diva: It's snowing furiously over a camp. Zoom in on Melisandre, who looks a lot more frightened than her usual DGAF demon-birthing self. Suddenly tents start bursting into flames, many different ones at once. The camp explodes into chaos, and there's a screaming horse on fire, just in case you weren't absolutely sure you were watching Game of Thrones. Marines: It's too cold for boobs, I guess, so dying horse it is.

Pretty Little Liars S05 E09 – Showdown at the eye doctor’s office

Marin Manor- Hanna's room. Spencer and Emily are taking on our job momentarily and poking holes in Ali's Noel-scares-Hanna's-mom plan from last episode. Spencer's particularly grumpy with her horse-kicked eye. (M: I'd be grumpy about everything with a horse-kicked-eye.) They all question Ali's decision but she snaps at them that Noel is the one she can trust, since all they do is ignore her SOS calls and spy on her every move. She storms out to go call her dad.

The OC S03 E18 – Hero complex

We open on a video game match between the boys. Summer is bored, while Seth is certain that he doesn’t need to prep for his interview with Brown. Seeing as this is TV, and he’s one of the main characters, he’s probably right. New Girl (aka Sadie) comes in and challenges Seth to a video game off, which is CRAZY because she is a girl! But she does it anyway.
Ryan and Summer grab drinks in the other room and discuss how it’s totally not awkward that Ryan isn’t dating Marissa anymore.

Pretty Little Liars S05 E01 – Extra-deranged.

The happiest two seconds of the entire series happen when an EMT says Ezra's pulse is getting weaker. The only one who is sad about this is Aria. Her friends hold her back and tell her she shouldn't go with Ezra to the hospital because then the pesky cops will start asking her questions. Apparently, no one from the NYPD notices Aria hyperventilating after Ezra; they are busy questioning Noel Khan. Alison is on a fire escape, watching the ambulance ride by. A is-- TRUE STORY-- riding on the top of the ambulance like some kind of extra-deranged Spider-Man. I hate this show.

Pretty Little Liars S04 E20 – Burn it!

We open on Spencer, who has fallen asleep at Ezra's desk, and is drooling all over the Ali Diary. Ezra walks in, wakes her up and asks what she's doing. She's confused, just as anyone would be to realize that they're in their pajamas, at school, and this is not an actual dream. She tries to leave but he creepy stops her and tells her the path she's on is dangerous, then the bell rings and she uses it to make a break for it. Ezra creepy stares after her. But I guess he's used to people fleeing his dead-eyed stare.
SHHHHH.
Coma-makeup!Spencer is changing in the girl's bathroom.

Dawson’s Creek S03 E05 – Endless dealbreakers

Shrine o' Spielberg. Due to their sad tragic single status and the fact that it's apparently a million degrees, movie night's list of attendees has been reduced to Dawson and Pacey. It may also have something to do with how much they're sweating. Seriously, it's gross:
Democracy Diva: For real. They don't even look like they're sweating - they just look like they're covered in baby oil.
K: YES. Which, to be honest, they probably were.
Pacey bemoans the state of their lives, and also how much Indian summer sucks, thereby earning himself a shiny gold star.

Pretty Little Liars S04 E17 – Tooth trauma

Aria and Emily are walking together at night, talking about the movie they just saw (and a really annoying person who kept talking during it– for whom a special level of hell exists).
Aria brings up Spencer, and things get awkward. Aria says that Spencer was trying to protect her (by stalking her), but Emily said she was just being controlling. Emily's annoyed and believes they'll never hear from Ali again. Somehow, I find that doubtful.
Marines: It's cruel to suggest that could happen, show.

Veronica Mars S02 E21 – Magical law breaking

We begin in court, with Aaron Echolls’s testimony, which of course references his career highlight of being Sexiest Man Alive. Whatever, dude - we all know that the real sexiest men alive refuse that honor repeatedly because they’re too serious for that shit. (I’m talking about you, Ryan Gosling.) Aaron begs for sympathy by bullshitting about how hard it is for men to age in the film industry. Hilarious, when films constantly pair twenty-something year old women with fifty-year-old love interests and no one bats an eye. But Aaron pretends that men don’t get better roles as they age, because that makes all the idiots in this courtroom feel for him. Anyway, that's when Lilly entered his life and started worshipping him. He gives the Bill Clinton "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" defense.

How to Get Away with Murder S01 E08 – Bullshit.

This episode doesn't begin with the improbable bonfire which by itself bums me out for the loss of the familiar. Even worse, it starts with people poking at Lila's mottled corpse. So. Cool. We jump back 6 months earlier to June 2014 when Lila was still alive. She's hanging out with Rebecca and speculating about whether her vagina's going to be all, "Nope, access denied!" because she waited too long to have sex. It's kind of adorable because while that's total bullshit, this conversation is also so completely plausible. Rebecca wonders if the sex talk means that Griffin's given up on that virginity pact and Lila confesses that she met someone whose identity she can't reveal because, "He has a wife." It pleases me to no end when the stars are earned by the people the episode is truly about.

Pretty Little Liars S04 E12 – Je ne comprends pas.

The Liars are gathered in the Hastings House watching the news coverage on the eye witness that has come forward in Wilden's case. The doorbell rings and Spencer goes to answer it while the remaining girls exposit that Travis is the cute eye witness. Hanna is legit worried that he might withdraw his testimony and Aria offers, "he's quite the dancer."
Sweeney: Aria, that is relevant to nothing at all. Your inability to differentiate the pertinence of information is part of why you never definitively solve anything ever.

The OC S02 E07 – The Ties that B(l)ind

A little backstory, I grew up watching a ton of high school dramas: Saved by the Bell, California Dreams, The OC, and the more recent Gossip Girl. I spent my formative years in Nigeria and everything I knew about the American Education system, I learned from these shows, all of the Bring it On movies and the numerous college drama themed movies I cannot remember. Imagine my surprise and indignation when I came over to the States for college and it was nothing like Hollywood portrayed. College wasn’t an endless party filled with cute, flirty boys, I never became best friends with my roommate, and everything I had been lead to believe was a damn lie!
To be fair, I attended a small liberal arts college that also happens to be the first of the Seven Sisters, and one of the few women’s colleges still in existence. Had I really wanted an All American College Experience TM, I probably should have gone anywhere but there.

Supernatural S02 E13 – Avenging Angels

First things first, this is the second of three episodes in this season that's named after a Led Zeppelin song. I know Dean loves his Zeppelin, but that's a little over the top. ANYWAY. Providence, Rhode Island. A junkie-looking young woman sits watching TV, surrounded by creepy-as-shit angel statues. She flicks from the Drew Carey Show to a televangelist, wibbling about how God is with you. She turns the TV off, and the lights flicker. The TV switches on again. The televangelist asks if she can hear the glory. The lights continue to flicker and the room starts to shake. She stares in shock and awe at a white light that appears.
FLAME ON!

The OC S02 E04 – The New Era (of Tears and Possible Pedophilia)

Hello, Traumateers! The Snark Squad has, for some reason, allowed me to be your guide through the OC Season 2, Episode 4. I have never seen the OC, nor do I have any idea what it is about; however, from the title, I'm looking forward to some disruptive, forward-thinking Original Content. AM I RIGHT? (M: Best to let it be a surprise.) So. Let's get this show on the road.
Oh, as the opening recap begins, I'm noticing a lot of white people. And one semi-hispanic looking teenager. This is probably just situational, and there'll be a more diverse group coming up.