We open up in a barn with four obnoxiously gorgeous girls and 3oh!3's "Don't Trust the Girl" playing in the background, which is a pretty suitable song choice. When the power goes out, the sleepover party gets a little freaked, especially when they hear a noise outside. They get up to go Nancy Drew the situation when the door creaks open, and OH FUCK! ....Wait, no, it's just a fifth gorgeous girl, Alison. If only one of the Pretty Little Liars had hit her with a bat or something, right? Then I guess we'd just be watching Pretty Little Girls Who Are Kind of Boring and Don't Do Much and Nothing Murdery Ever Happens, and that title doesn't have the same ring to it.
Lorraine: Ana is horrified because, if you'll remember, Kate has chosen Grey's birthday party as the moment to confront Ana about an email she found. Kate's all, "what the fuck is this? Who in the hell changes the subject line each time they send an email?!?!" Just kidding! There are far more horrible things in this particular email, as it contains the Sexy Times Contract. I'm sure we will now get a good discussion that will pave the way for future conversations between Ana and Kate on the disturbing nature of this relationship. Just kidding again! I'm on a roll! Instead, let's watch and see how this is all resolved within two pages:
Sweeney: Christian Grey's MAGICAL birthday continues. I'm drafting this early because the actual post date is too close to my own birthday and I don't intend to celebrate with Christian Grey's butt plug.
Speaking of, someone mentioned last week that Ana's failures now extend to gift giving, as Grey's presents were mostly his own stuff. Good job, Ana!
Lorraine: I was going to make a joke about giving you your own stuff for your birthday, but butt plugs are too close to this joke and I don't want to make it awkward. Maybe I just did.
Speaking of, someone mentioned last week that Ana's failures now extend to gift giving, as Grey's presents were mostly his own stuff. Good job, Ana!
Lorraine: I was going to make a joke about giving you your own stuff for your birthday, but butt plugs are too close to this joke and I don't want to make it awkward. Maybe I just did.
Sweeney: Ana sits in front of Grey's fireplace emotionless and lost in internal monologue, even though there are at least a dozen people there with her, because Ana can't be bothered to interact with people who aren't Christian, and he has gone missing.
Lorraine: In an early reminder that Ana sucks, is not a real human being, and doesn't know how to interact with human beings, she tells us that she "blinks dispassionately" at Grace and Mia. DISPASSIONATELY. They've just lost a son/brother respectively, but this bitch who has known him for less than two months is so wrapped up in her own damn emotions describes herself as completely unaffected by their emotions.
What a stand-up character you've created, James. Truly.
Lorraine: In an early reminder that Ana sucks, is not a real human being, and doesn't know how to interact with human beings, she tells us that she "blinks dispassionately" at Grace and Mia. DISPASSIONATELY. They've just lost a son/brother respectively, but this bitch who has known him for less than two months is so wrapped up in her own damn emotions describes herself as completely unaffected by their emotions.
What a stand-up character you've created, James. Truly.
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Ana's waking up and she's all hazy with sleep and sex. Her head is on his chest and she tells us that he smells like fresh laundry and the best smell in the world: Christian.
Oh, really? He smells like Christian. Great, amazing. Thank you E.L. James for not actually wanting to do any writing heavy lifting and vague-ing it up so that lonely women every where can insert their own interpretation of what the Christian smell is.
I'd personally like to think he smells of mommy issues and desperation. Oh, and a little papery, like the money that makes it all okay.
Ana touches his chest and Grey is on her like a hawk, removing her hand. "Don't" he murmurs. Ana whisper-asks why he doesn't like to be touched as she stares into his GRAY! eyes.
He replies: Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up.
Previously: We jumped ahead in the SVH series and covered books 95-100 aka the Evil Twin mini-series aka baby Jesus’ gift to us all. Now that the holidays are over,...
Previously: Claudia’s grandmother Mimi suffers a stroke and it brings dumb Claudia and lame Janine closer together. We do not recommend getting strokes in order to strengthen your family. —...