Logan is heading up to the Billionaire Bros Bungalow. Before the elevator doors close, Veronica runs inside. Because it is a Logan/Veronica interaction, it's been fully gifed for your viewing pleasure:
Sweeney: It's good to know there are some things we can count on in this world, like shippers on Tumblr.
Lor: All that "Duncan is sad over the death of his ex and his new baby" exposition over, those two finally get upstairs. Veronica walks into Duncan's room, with more sarcastic commentary from Logan in the background. It's a little hard to keep track of Logan's moods sometimes.
Veronica Voice-Over starts things off, explaining how a week ago, Veronica thought things would turn out differently. She imagined Keith winning the sheriff election in a landslide, and she and Wallace would sneak champagne and prank-call Deputy Lamb. Instead, the election is unbelievably close, and Wallace is off with his dad somewhere. Meanwhile, Veronica is tense at Mars for Sheriff Election Results Party Extravaganza, while Cliff the lawyer gets drunk.
Sweeney: I usually adore Cliff's sass, but his, "GIMME A DRINK, GIRL," sass wasn't some of his finer work. Fortunately this is just his teaser material and he has the rest of the episode to redeem himself.
Sweeney: I usually adore Cliff's sass, but his, "GIMME A DRINK, GIRL," sass wasn't some of his finer work. Fortunately this is just his teaser material and he has the rest of the episode to redeem himself.
Veronica, looking a lot more shaken than normal, is at Mars Investigations (doubling as Mars for Sheriff HQ!) calling the hospital to find out Meg's visiting hours. As she hangs up, an Elle Woods wannabe (D: It's funny because it's literally Laura Bell Bundy from the Legally Blonde musical) (S: AMAZING.) struts into the office in desperate need of a detective to investigate her boyfriend and possible fiance because she found a ring while doing her own snooping. Keith isn't there, but Veronica goes ahead and sells her on hardcore investigative packages. (L: Future Business Leader of America shots!) Keith arrives as she's leaving and is pleasant, but reminds Veronica that she's no longer his employee.
Richardson, Texas, two months ago. A group of teens walk through the woods in the middle of the night and find an abandoned log cabin. Because they're idiots, they decide to head inside. There are all kinds of weird occult-y symbols painted on the walls and floors. The dude manning the flashlight tells his friends that "they" say there's a ghost who hides in the root cellar and strings up girls who stumble into the house. One friend is sceptical, wanting to know where he heard the legend. From his cousin, apparently. Sceptical Guy grabs the flashlight and leads the way down to the cellar. He scoffs about how all the cellar contains is random junk, but the others are staring in horror at something behind him. He turns and sees a girl hanging by her neck from the rafters. He screams and lightning flashes us to the Not!Credits.
Rosewood's One Restaurant is enjoying the patronage of our young Liars. They question whether or not they believe Jenna's story, that she was casually riding around when she spotted a very drunk Emily. Hanna wants to just assume that Jenna is telling the truth, because assuming everyone is a liar might make her head explode. We Snark Ladies assume everyone is a liar, but we are professionals.
Spencer says a truth-telling-Jenna means she's crossed off the suspect list for the New A. Who are the remaining suspects? Emily suggest Lucas but Hanna is pretty sure that not taking a shower doesn't equal New A.
Spencer says a truth-telling-Jenna means she's crossed off the suspect list for the New A. Who are the remaining suspects? Emily suggest Lucas but Hanna is pretty sure that not taking a shower doesn't equal New A.
Xander is cleaning up the broken glass, lamenting that he's trapped in a "loop" in which he replaces the Chez Summers windows for all of eternity. (K: This is hilarious because he spends most of the rest of season 7 repairing those fucking windows.) This joke acknowledging the recurring destruction of the Summers home is obviously fantastic, but the word "loop" makes me twitch because I'm trying to learn actual code so that I can fix all the things that keep breaking on this website, but failing because it all looks unsettlingly like math. I feel you, Xander. I sometimes wonder if Snark Squad database errors are going to be ruining my life forever, too.
Lorraine: I really hope it isn't rage ninjas breaking our website.
Lorraine: I really hope it isn't rage ninjas breaking our website.
Just today, I was wasting time on Twitter, talking about how I would recap ALL THE THINGS if I could, when a Twitter friend joked with me not to forget to recap my recaps. BUT IT ISN'T A JOKE, FRIENDS, as dear Willie quickly reminded me. We are a couple of days into November, meaning it is indeed time to recap our recaps.
Sweeney: We're so meta like that.
Lor: Happy November! Happy NaNoWriMo to those brave souls who are participating this year (leave your profiles! Let's be friends!) and Happy No Shave November to those of you doing that. Never forget that Stalker Boyfriend came to us by way of a Movember ad. I mean that in the most encouraging way.
Sweeney: We're so meta like that.
Lor: Happy November! Happy NaNoWriMo to those brave souls who are participating this year (leave your profiles! Let's be friends!) and Happy No Shave November to those of you doing that. Never forget that Stalker Boyfriend came to us by way of a Movember ad. I mean that in the most encouraging way.
I'm going to try very hard not to get angry during this epilogue because (1) - We have a whole week's worth of series ending posts to get through and I probably have to ration my anger. You know, plan this wisely and avoid an ulcer or drowning my liver or whatever and (2) - THIS IS THE END, FOR REAL. These are the last words to read, EVER. This is really a celebration, so HAPPY EPILOGUE, EVERYONE!
Sweeney: HAPPY EPILOGUE TO YOU TOO, LOR!
Sweeney: HAPPY EPILOGUE TO YOU TOO, LOR!
What's this? A TMYK post? MADNESS. Right, so, for those of you who are new around here, this is a thing we used to do but randomly stopped doing for no reason other than time/laziness a few months ago.
Lorraine: I'm gonna go ahead and defend us and say it was more a time issue. No one who reads this site can accuse us of being lazy. I mean, we are sometimes, but you guys wouldn't know it.
Sweeney: That's totally true. I was doing the whole self-deprecating thing, but now that you mention it, yeah, we put an insane amount of time into this blog.
Lorraine: I'm gonna go ahead and defend us and say it was more a time issue. No one who reads this site can accuse us of being lazy. I mean, we are sometimes, but you guys wouldn't know it.
Sweeney: That's totally true. I was doing the whole self-deprecating thing, but now that you mention it, yeah, we put an insane amount of time into this blog.
The last chapter ended with Ana answering a phone call from Mia, only to discover that Jack Hyde, evil boss extraordinaire, was on the other line. We start this chapter one second later. "Jack." My voice has disappeared, choked by fear.
Jack, she says with her voice, one second before the cracked out author tells us her voice has disappeared. Jack is surprised that Ana remembers him. Since he was her boss at her first post-college job, who also tried to sexually molest her, I'm gonna go ahead and say it isn't any wonder she remembers him. Also, she last saw him a few months ago. Maybe this is more a commentary on Jack being surprised that Ana remembers anything at all.
Jack, she says with her voice, one second before the cracked out author tells us her voice has disappeared. Jack is surprised that Ana remembers him. Since he was her boss at her first post-college job, who also tried to sexually molest her, I'm gonna go ahead and say it isn't any wonder she remembers him. Also, she last saw him a few months ago. Maybe this is more a commentary on Jack being surprised that Ana remembers anything at all.
As usual, we begin exactly where the previous chapter ends, because these books each span approximately 72 hours. Ana is still on the phone with Josecob's dad and mostly because I'm always looking for a good excuse to procrastinate while doing these posts, I started looking up Jacob's dad in Twilight. (Google wasn't sure if I wanted "Twilight" or "The Bible.") When I asked Google for a gif of Billy Black, I found this:
Lorraine: I thought I would never again be appalled by something someone made. I stand corrected.
Sweeney: This is the internet, Lor. The possibilities are endless!
Lorraine: I thought I would never again be appalled by something someone made. I stand corrected.
Sweeney: This is the internet, Lor. The possibilities are endless!
There were split opinions on the whole randomly throwing out the fact Buffy has a sister thing. It was strange to me, but I also know that I'm not the exact audience it was written for. I only mean that I had 10 years of pop culture to tell me Dawn would show up eventually and a bit of foreshadowing last season told me she was probably Buffy's sister. That's a ton of build-up all leading to about 10 seconds last episode where it was all, "AND BUFFY HAS A SISTER LOLOL."
Sweeney: When I first watched last summer I sent our group of bloggy friends a series of DAFUQ? emails.
Sweeney: When I first watched last summer I sent our group of bloggy friends a series of DAFUQ? emails.
Previously: I think the moral of the story was reading is better than everything, but especially better than ghosts trapped in mirrors. — The Tale of the Twisted Claw Lorraine:...