Previously: Winter came and went. — Democracy Diva: The opening credits continue their reign as the best goddamn thing about this show. The blue ice tiles have stopped flipping over, but...
Previously: A wedding made them evil. — The Good, the Bad & the Cursed Marines: Abandoned town of some sort. Phoebe asks her deadbeat dad what the heck they are doing...
Previously: It’s like a violent, bloody theme park with robots, we think. — Chestnut Marines: 3D PRINTED ROBOTS. (See? I contained myself.) After the previouslies and the credits, a man’s voice...
We open with the wonderful credits which go on for a half hour because I'm still watching them over and over. (Ha ha. JK. That would be weird...)
Credits over, the scene picks up where we left off last time. Jessica is still feeling up Luke's unbreakable pecs and abs, but this time, in a more sexual manner. She tears off his shirt (M: how is he even getting home now JESSICA) and they start aggressively making out. The pants are quickly unzipped and they have super powered sex against a wall.
Sadly, they're interrupted when the male half of the Creepy Twins peeks in. Jess slams the door in his face.
Credits over, the scene picks up where we left off last time. Jessica is still feeling up Luke's unbreakable pecs and abs, but this time, in a more sexual manner. She tears off his shirt (M: how is he even getting home now JESSICA) and they start aggressively making out. The pants are quickly unzipped and they have super powered sex against a wall.
Sadly, they're interrupted when the male half of the Creepy Twins peeks in. Jess slams the door in his face.
This is the first episode of Doctor Who that I get to recap, and I'm so psyched to join the team that I won't even complain about it involving stupid Daleks.
Marines: That's a lot of excitement because UGH, DALEKS. Also, so happy to have you!
Kirsti: I'm super happy to have you toobecause it means I have to recap fewer episodes of the Matt Smith era!!
Dani: #Priorities
Marines: That's a lot of excitement because UGH, DALEKS. Also, so happy to have you!
Kirsti: I'm super happy to have you too
Dani: #Priorities
The title of this chapter is 'Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock', which is appropriate because I can feel my life slipping away as I read it. (K: Samesies.) (A: Ditto.)
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
Hokay. So this episode starts out at the bombing site, still the night of. The head FBI guy, Atwood, tells Maggie Q to look into all the usual suspects and to heighten security. I'm taking a moment to tell you that the playback on the ABC website is shitty, and makes rewatching this episode difficult. Get it together, ABC.
Marines: They also play like 27 years worth of commercials. Get it together, THIS IS THE INTERNET.
Marines: They also play like 27 years worth of commercials. Get it together, THIS IS THE INTERNET.
We begin with the best previously song yet:
“Have you no sense of decency? My God, you monsters... not the cat!”
Marines: This song is basically doing our job for us.
Dani: (Shhhh...)
The action starts in an apartment building where a woman named Jules (Natalie Gold) meets her next-door neighbor, Noah (Michael Esper), for the first time.
“Have you no sense of decency? My God, you monsters... not the cat!”
Marines: This song is basically doing our job for us.
Dani: (Shhhh...)
The action starts in an apartment building where a woman named Jules (Natalie Gold) meets her next-door neighbor, Noah (Michael Esper), for the first time.
As Bella walks the plank that will lead her to a UGH, OH MY GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? party, Edward sneaks up behind her and pulls her into a kiss. Bella tells us there is too much "tension edge" and "lip crush" to the kiss, which has her worried. Because Edward only kisses her to manipulate her, prove a point, or when he's secretly trying to say goodbye.
Annie: Again, why the fuck are they together? There is no real passion here, unless you count the passion for murdering her, so what the fuck.
Annie: Again, why the fuck are they together? There is no real passion here, unless you count the passion for murdering her, so what the fuck.
So after Bella was handed off for partial custody from vampire to werewolf last chapter, she starts this chapter at a bonfire with all of the werewolves.
They're eating hotdogs and talking.
Kirsti: More accurately, they're eating hot dogs that were cooked on wire hangers. I'm still not sure why that level of detail was necessary.
They're eating hotdogs and talking.
Kirsti: More accurately, they're eating hot dogs that were cooked on wire hangers. I'm still not sure why that level of detail was necessary.
I'm trying very hard to ignore the fact that the name of this chapter is "Scent."
The chapter opens with Bella wondering why they're all so immature. Me, too, Bell-Bells.
Edward tells Bella that he doesn't feel any personal antagonism towards Jacob.
LOLOLOL. Okay. Sure.
Catherine: LOL. Yeah right, Edward. It's all just professional anger and not at all about the girl you're fighting over.
Kirsti: "I wish he'd die in a fire, but it's nothing personal!"
The chapter opens with Bella wondering why they're all so immature. Me, too, Bell-Bells.
Edward tells Bella that he doesn't feel any personal antagonism towards Jacob.
LOLOLOL. Okay. Sure.
Catherine: LOL. Yeah right, Edward. It's all just professional anger and not at all about the girl you're fighting over.
Kirsti: "I wish he'd die in a fire, but it's nothing personal!"
This chapter starts off amazingly well: "I was having a bad week." Bella, girl. You're having a bad LIFE. But guess what, y'all? Her bad week has very little to do with the fact that Victoria's back and everything to do with the fact that no one will turn her into a vampire several weeks ahead of schedule. She argues that being a weak little human person is a terrible idea with Victoria around, but the Cullen-Hales point out that there are seven of them versus one of Victoria and for some inexplicable reason, they all want Bella to stay safe.
So every chapter of this book is roughly 30 pages long so far. I want you to really think about that, friends. 30 pages. There are chapters in War and Peace that are shorter than that.
Anyway! This endless nonsense begins with Edward and Bella getting back to Forks from their trip to Florida. Now, I know what you're thinking. Edward and Bella went all the way to Florida on a trip that probably lasted days and Meyer had the restraint to leave it out!?
Anyway! This endless nonsense begins with Edward and Bella getting back to Forks from their trip to Florida. Now, I know what you're thinking. Edward and Bella went all the way to Florida on a trip that probably lasted days and Meyer had the restraint to leave it out!?
Bella wakes up again. At the beginning of every chapter she must wake up. It is the prophecy.
She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.
She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.
We've fallen off pace a bit here, and it's my fault. Time is so hard, you guys.
Catherine: SO hard. It went forward like, an hour the other day and we can't be blamed for that. So...
Kirsti: I would say that I stole it, but Australia is on daylight saving for another 2 weeks, so it definitely wasn't me.
Mari: Bella finds Alice in her house, waiting "perfectly motionless in the center of the hall." So, in addition to breaking and entering, Alice is just standing there. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.
Catherine: SO hard. It went forward like, an hour the other day and we can't be blamed for that. So...
Kirsti: I would say that I stole it, but Australia is on daylight saving for another 2 weeks, so it definitely wasn't me.
Mari: Bella finds Alice in her house, waiting "perfectly motionless in the center of the hall." So, in addition to breaking and entering, Alice is just standing there. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.