Welcome to the bloody Quentin Tarantino Chapter of Breaking Dawn, also known as nope, nope, fucking no, nope.
The title of this chapter is 'There are no words for this'. Aptly named. I'm still not sure that prepares us all for what is to come in this chapter, but I'm doing my best.
Kirsti: Come, friends. Let us gather around the Snark Lady Booze Cupboard and drink its full contents before proceeding with this abomination of a chapter.
Nighttime in the woods. Spencer wanders around in a bridal dress, getting tangled in the trees. She is being stalked by a black clothed figure, then we hear a stabbing sort of sound and she gasps. Is something exciting about to happen, you ask? Or something about to be revealed? PSYCH! No. Not even close.
“48 hours earlier” appears across the screen. Ah, that old trope.
Rosewood's one coffee shop. All four Liars are discussing the fact that Paige tipped the cops off about Ali being alive.
“48 hours earlier” appears across the screen. Ah, that old trope.
Rosewood's one coffee shop. All four Liars are discussing the fact that Paige tipped the cops off about Ali being alive.
Annalise is in a hotel room somewhere, crying in bed. She gets up to grab some alcohol from the mini-bar, then we cut to her eating some delicious pasta, ignoring a call from Nate and hopping back into bed. We see this happen again and again- eat, drink, sleep drink- as title cards let us know that this is all taking place from Christmas to New Years. Plus, the show plays to its strengths and we get a few quality shots of Viola Davis's Tears.
Democracy Diva: First of all, there are worse ways to spend a holiday season. Second, I would wear the shit out of a perfume called Viola Davis's Tears.
Democracy Diva: First of all, there are worse ways to spend a holiday season. Second, I would wear the shit out of a perfume called Viola Davis's Tears.
Shrine O’Spielberg. Pacey struts in with some outdated film technology. Dawson’s working on a documentary for his mother that might air this Friday. (Why no one employed by her station can actually film this thing is a question only the Great Contrivance Spirit can answer.) Pacey just can’t believe Dawson’s willing to stop focusing on fantasy and film something real, even for a second.
Kirsti: Meanwhile, I spent this scene being distracted about the fact that Pacey's brought the gun show to town...
Diva: YUM.
Kirsti: Meanwhile, I spent this scene being distracted about the fact that Pacey's brought the gun show to town...
Diva: YUM.
We begin with an ominous fuzzy screen title card telling us that we're about to see Testimonial Documents in the DOLLHOUSE Interviews in Los Angeles. A reporter speaks into the camera explaining that some people in LA know of "The Dollhouse" as something seedy. Cut to an interview with a random super sketchy dude, insisting that "everybody knows" it exists. Continuing his report, the journalist explains that dating back to the 1980s, The Dollhouse is LA's most famous urban legend and he explains quite accurately what it is before clarifying that "most everybody" regards it as science fiction. This report isn't about the legitimacy of The Dollhouse so much as a series of MAN ON THE STREET interviews with people about their reactions to the idea of The Dollhouse. (M: You can't see me, but I've giving you an imaginary Title Star, girl. Good job.) (S: Since nobody actually gets it this episode, I'm just gonna go ahead an take it.)
We begin with Health Teacher Ms. Hauser introducing Phase 2 of Neptune High Sex Ed: Fancy fake babies that know when you're being a negligent parent! They must just cry nonstop in Traumaland.
Also, in my high school, we just had eggs, not babies with memory chips. We named ours Mr. Feeny, and I dropped him on the floor when I got jostled in our stupid over-crowded hallways. Anyway, before Veronica and Duncan can get their fake baby on, she gets called down to the vice principal's office.
Lorraine: We got eggs except for like four babies which two random couples would be stuck with. I left my egg baby in a classroom the opening weekend of our performing arts group's show and when I came back on Monday, someone had cracked it and stolen the Beenie Baby from it's basket. I was most upset about the Beenie Baby.
Also, in my high school, we just had eggs, not babies with memory chips. We named ours Mr. Feeny, and I dropped him on the floor when I got jostled in our stupid over-crowded hallways. Anyway, before Veronica and Duncan can get their fake baby on, she gets called down to the vice principal's office.
Lorraine: We got eggs except for like four babies which two random couples would be stuck with. I left my egg baby in a classroom the opening weekend of our performing arts group's show and when I came back on Monday, someone had cracked it and stolen the Beenie Baby from it's basket. I was most upset about the Beenie Baby.
Shrine o' Spielberg. A werewolf movie plays on Dawson's TV as he talks about how romantic the full moon is. The camera pans up to show us that Dawson and Joey aren't on the bed, they're outside on the roof staring at the moon. Dawson wibbles some more about how romantic and peaceful it is, while Joey makes WTF faces and says that it's just "a natural satellite". Way to be a buzzkill, Potter. She starts talking about the full moon making people crazy and how she thinks it's because we're 70% water and the moon effects us as well as the tides. Dawson, meanwhile, is trying to swallow her head.