I can't believe I got this chapter. I'm actually a little freaked out because I remember it being pretty upsetting and not very funny or easy to make fun of. In fact, I feel compelled to issue a trigger warning here for sexual assault and rape, on the grounds that it's almost definitely gonna get discussed. Because it's sort of what this chapter is about. But it's only in a flashback if that makes you guys feel any better?
Annie: Yeah, I'd completely blocked this part out of my memory, probably on account of it being trigging. Thanks, Stephenie.
Catherine: THANKS, STEPHENIE.
Ladies and gentlemen, you could've been anywhere in the world tonight, but you're here with us in Winterfell. Are you ready for a BastardBowl?
Catherine: Get hype! We're probably gonna be in tears before this is over.
Diva: We're probably gonna be in tears before this starts.
The previouslies remind us that the battle for Winterfell is imminent, Shireen Baratheon loved the toy stag that Davos gave her (see - I'm already crying!), the Greyjoys are en route to Meereen, and the slavers are trying to blow up Dany's pyramid just as she deboards her dragon.
Catherine: Get hype! We're probably gonna be in tears before this is over.
Diva: We're probably gonna be in tears before this starts.
The previouslies remind us that the battle for Winterfell is imminent, Shireen Baratheon loved the toy stag that Davos gave her (see - I'm already crying!), the Greyjoys are en route to Meereen, and the slavers are trying to blow up Dany's pyramid just as she deboards her dragon.
The last scene of the previouslies is the massacre from last episode, so I hope everyone is ready for happy fun times. The credits take us to King's Landing, Bolton-Winterfell, The Wall, Braavos, Meereen and Dorne.
Post-credits, we see Grey Worm on a sick bed as Missandei watches over him and cries. Out near her throne in the Pyramid of Power, Danaerys and Daario stand over Barristan Selmy's slain body. I had a feeling one would die and one would survive. And then the reasonable part of my brain went, "both of them will die; this is Game of Thrones." (S: That was my reaction so Grey Worm being alive was a pleasant surprise? This show.)
Post-credits, we see Grey Worm on a sick bed as Missandei watches over him and cries. Out near her throne in the Pyramid of Power, Danaerys and Daario stand over Barristan Selmy's slain body. I had a feeling one would die and one would survive. And then the reasonable part of my brain went, "both of them will die; this is Game of Thrones." (S: That was my reaction so Grey Worm being alive was a pleasant surprise? This show.)
The previouslies take us all the way back to Season 1, with King Robert asking Ned why he had to bury his sister/Robert's betrothed Lyanna in Winterfell and placing a feather in Lyanna's statue's hands. We see Littlefinger telling Sansa about her worst marriage prospect yet (M: We remember this part, show.) (S: But would it really be Game of Thrones without a little twisting of the knife?), the Margaery vs. Cersei battle for Tommen's affections, Loras being gay and beautiful (M: We remember this part for sure.), Cersei teaming up with the High Sparrow, Ellaria Sand trying to convince the Dornish Prince Doran to avenge his brother Oberyn, the Sons of the Harpy murdering everyone in Meereen, and oh yeah, Ser Jorah kidnapped Tyrion and is taking him to "the queen." Ah, but which queen?
Lying Liar Credits take us through King's Landing, Moat Cailin, Winterfell, The Wall, Braavos, and Meereen. This is my obligatory seasonal acknowledgement that there's probably not a lot of lying going on here, but that I will never really trust again, even though I no longer even remember the origins of my bad blood with the Lying Liar Credits.
Democracy Diva: We are as stubborn a group of grudge-holders as the old Houses of Westeros. Our rivalries are so old, we don't even know why or how they started, BUT WE'RE STILL PISSED.
Democracy Diva: We are as stubborn a group of grudge-holders as the old Houses of Westeros. Our rivalries are so old, we don't even know why or how they started, BUT WE'RE STILL PISSED.
For reasons I cannot articulate, the will to write this recap has evaded me this week. That's my way of saying, "I'm sorry this is late and I have zero good excuses prepped for why it's so late."
Lorraine: I disagree, dearest friend. The reason The Mountain and the Viper is late is because it's The Mountain and The Viper. There. Done.
Sweeney: I stand corrected.
My old nemesis, the lying liar credits, kick us off: King's Landing. Moat Cailin! That's new, yeah? Sadly, it's because Ramsay is in this episode, but we'll concentrate on WOO NEW PLACE! for now.
Lorraine: I disagree, dearest friend. The reason The Mountain and the Viper is late is because it's The Mountain and The Viper. There. Done.
Sweeney: I stand corrected.
My old nemesis, the lying liar credits, kick us off: King's Landing. Moat Cailin! That's new, yeah? Sadly, it's because Ramsay is in this episode, but we'll concentrate on WOO NEW PLACE! for now.
We start at Tommen's coronation, where the (I'm assuming) High Septon calls the crown a heavy burden. He means it in a "ruling the Seven Kingdoms" way, but since the last handful of kings were all murdered, I'd say that shit is the worst kind of burden. Little Tommen needs all the prayers and blessings he can get. We pan a bit around the room, and focus for a while on DaddyUncle Jaime, standing just in back of the throne. The Probably High Septon finishes the ceremony, earns himself a Gold Star by calling Tommen the first of his name, places the crown on Tom's head and proclaims, "long may he reign!" We hear and see Cersei and Tywin repeat those words, with the crowd, and I'm struck by Charles Dance's smooth, velvety voice.
There is lots of cheering and celebration for the baby king.
There is lots of cheering and celebration for the baby king.
THIS IS IT, YOU GUYS. Finale time. The final lying liar credits take us to King's Landing, Dragonstone, FUCKTHETWINS, Winterfellstillonfireallfuckingseason, The Wall, and past the Gulf of Grief to Yunkai.
We begin the episode with my current least favorite person, Roose Bolton, looking down on the epic torching and slaughter of the remaining Stark bannermen. The Hound is riding off with Arya, who tragically comes to just in time to see her brother being paraded through the streets, headless, with his direwolf's head staked to his body, as everyone chants, "The king of the north!" The look on her face is just too much.
We begin the episode with my current least favorite person, Roose Bolton, looking down on the epic torching and slaughter of the remaining Stark bannermen. The Hound is riding off with Arya, who tragically comes to just in time to see her brother being paraded through the streets, headless, with his direwolf's head staked to his body, as everyone chants, "The king of the north!" The look on her face is just too much.
The lying liar title credits give us King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfellstillonfire, The Wall, and Yunkai.
We start with our favorite direboss waking up and deciding to smash a sleeping Hound’s head in with a large stone. He tells her that if she fails to kill him, he’ll break both of her hands. Later, they’re riding on a horse, and he’s trying to insist that men far worse than him would have found her. When he mentions that he’s saved her sister, Arya’s interest piques, as does my feels, with this additional mention of how long the Starks have been separated and HOW THEY’LL NEVER HAVE A COMPLETE REUNION. But! The Hound has decided to facilitate that because Robb and Cat will probs pay him for her safe return.
We start with our favorite direboss waking up and deciding to smash a sleeping Hound’s head in with a large stone. He tells her that if she fails to kill him, he’ll break both of her hands. Later, they’re riding on a horse, and he’s trying to insist that men far worse than him would have found her. When he mentions that he’s saved her sister, Arya’s interest piques, as does my feels, with this additional mention of how long the Starks have been separated and HOW THEY’LL NEVER HAVE A COMPLETE REUNION. But! The Hound has decided to facilitate that because Robb and Cat will probs pay him for her safe return.
The sometimes-useful-for-Lor-but-always-an-evil-lying-liar-to-me-credits show us King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Still-Depressingly-On-Fire-Winterfell, The Wall, and Yunkai. You can assume that the honesty of the credits is directly related to the Snark Lady doing the week's recap.
Samwell is attempting to light a fire for Gilly, but she's all LOL, you don't know what you're doing and I do. I give no shits about either of them and they have nothing to really talk about, especially once Gilly realizes that Sam's lack of ability to do much of anything is the product of his being highborn. He tries to impress her with that knife he found forever ago.
Samwell is attempting to light a fire for Gilly, but she's all LOL, you don't know what you're doing and I do. I give no shits about either of them and they have nothing to really talk about, especially once Gilly realizes that Sam's lack of ability to do much of anything is the product of his being highborn. He tries to impress her with that knife he found forever ago.
Shit got so real last time that I'm even willing to tell you all the stuff from the opening credits, even though I'm still not on good terms with them. King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfell (STILL ON FUCKING FIRE), The Wall, Astapor. I pay attention and you gave me nothing new! You did inform me that Natalie Dormer, granddaughter FLOWERBOSS is in this episode, so I'm pumped. I'd also add that we no longer cross at The Narrow Sea, rather, The Shivering Sea. And Astapor is just off The Gulf of Grief. Those sound like the worst bodies of water ever.
Lorraine: See?? Even when the credits have nothing new to tell us, there is always something new to note, because seriously, who the hell would live just off the Gulf of Grief?
Lorraine: See?? Even when the credits have nothing new to tell us, there is always something new to note, because seriously, who the hell would live just off the Gulf of Grief?
Sweeney: The credits thing was a great ruse. We got new places as places were added, and then shit stayed the same, so I'm done acknowledging this. After the epic-but-not-revealing credits, we see an eyeball waking up and faint sounds of battle noises. This is Tyrion and his first sight is Pycelle, who you will recall is no great fan of Tyrion's, having be imprisoned by him. Pycelle fills Tyrion in on the fact that Tywin gets full credit for the victory and now Tyrion isn't hand of the king. He tosses a coin at Tyrion, a reminder of when Tyrion burst in on him.
Lorraine: Here's to hoping Tyrion takes all those ungrateful little shits down.
Lorraine: Here's to hoping Tyrion takes all those ungrateful little shits down.
Two things before we start: (1) The last few episodes have been stressing me out big time. (2) I'M SO EXCITED.
I know these seem like contradicting emotions and they pretty much are, because it's hard being me. But mostly, I'm stressed out for the finale and wars and people dying and shit, but excited because these posts have become a countdown for me and I can't wait to start watching/posting real time. I bet you guys are going to be the best TV watching buddies ever.
Sweeney: We blog because we want TV watching buddies.
Lor: Obviously.
Nothing new to report in the opening credits as we will be in or around King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and Qarth.
Sweeney: We blog because we want TV watching buddies.
Lor: Obviously.
Nothing new to report in the opening credits as we will be in or around King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and Qarth.
Previously: Arya gets super close to getting found out by Tywin, but A-Man made with the killing and prevented that. Also, Robb fell for a random nurse girl who saws...