Previously: Bella is off grounding, but Edward forbids her from seeing Jacob. — Annie: Bella is at school and she is not as miserable as she usually is. And it’s...
Okay so we're wayyyyyy behind on these recaps and it's 1000 percent my fault. My bffs are gonna come in here now and insist that they had a hand in stalling. (M: I had a hand in stalling!) (S: Me too!) (C: Don't listen! It was all me because busy and also blah.)
Luckily, there's a previously to remind us what happened. Winn kissed Kara, Kara's parents died, aliens attacked Maxwell Carlisle's adult video store and comic book emporium. (S: Lolol.)
Luckily, there's a previously to remind us what happened. Winn kissed Kara, Kara's parents died, aliens attacked Maxwell Carlisle's adult video store and comic book emporium. (S: Lolol.)
Season 3 opens with a bang. Just kidding, we're at the Halliwell Manor as usual. Prue is in the attic, flipping through the Book of Shadows while we get some weird shots of creepy dolls and a teddy bear. I'm 3 seconds into the episode, and I'm already confused. This is going to be a great season, I can tell.
A cuckoo clock goes off and scares Prue and then Phoebe comes in and that scares her too, so much so, she magics Phoebe into some attic junk. Phoebe's hair is now blondish, and I am not a fan. (M: Me neither. I'm sorry I complained about your old hair! Not really, but bring it back.)
A cuckoo clock goes off and scares Prue and then Phoebe comes in and that scares her too, so much so, she magics Phoebe into some attic junk. Phoebe's hair is now blondish, and I am not a fan. (M: Me neither. I'm sorry I complained about your old hair! Not really, but bring it back.)
You guys, we are so close to the torture being over. SO CLOSE.
This chapter is called "Vote", so WHO KNOWS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!
Edward grabs Bella and jumps out the window before putting her onto his back like a baby monkey and running off into the forest. Now that she's a daredevil and not a wuss, Bella keeps her eyes open and thinks that vampire piggyback is far superior than riding a motorcycle for thrills. She kisses Edward's neck and he promises them both that he'll win her trust back.
This chapter is called "Vote", so WHO KNOWS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!
Edward grabs Bella and jumps out the window before putting her onto his back like a baby monkey and running off into the forest. Now that she's a daredevil and not a wuss, Bella keeps her eyes open and thinks that vampire piggyback is far superior than riding a motorcycle for thrills. She kisses Edward's neck and he promises them both that he'll win her trust back.
Bella ends up in an "unremarkable" room, which she then remarks on for a paragraph. (K: THANK YOU. That annoyed me so much.) Edward is glowering at the hallway as Jane leads them to an elevator. Once inside, the Volturi Vamps relax and take off their cloaks so Bella can comment on their olive complexion which looks "odd" combined with their chalky pallor. Only the palest, truest white for Bella Swan.
Kirsti: She also talks about their eyes, saying that, "their irises were deep crimson around the edges, darkening until they were black around the pupils." ....black around the pupils. Which are also black. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU TELL WHERE THEIR IRISES ENDED AND THEIR PUPILS STARTED?!
Kirsti: She also talks about their eyes, saying that, "their irises were deep crimson around the edges, darkening until they were black around the pupils." ....black around the pupils. Which are also black. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU TELL WHERE THEIR IRISES ENDED AND THEIR PUPILS STARTED?!
They start the climb up to the city and Bella freaks as the traffic slows down. Eventually, they realise that everyone's being made to park and go into the city on foot. Bella tells us that it's super windy and there's red clothes and flags and scarves everywhere. Alice announces that she can't see what's going to happen any more, and that if it doesn't work, Bella has to go in alone and run to Palazzo dei Priori. Alice tells her to run and not get lost. Shockingly, she doesn't include "don't fall down and hurt yourself like you always do because your sole personality trait is clumsy".
This chapter is TENSE. Or about as tense as Meyer's writing ever gets. Which is kinda like a longer than normal shrug.
“We made our flight with seconds to spare, and then the true torture began.”
Um, the true torture began 424 pages ago, Bella. (A: Let's be honest. The torture began almost two books ago.) (C: Was it ONLY two books?)
She's referring to the fact that she has to sit and (K)stew on a plane while those bitch flight attendants 'casually' stroll up and down the aisles and do their normal jobs like some kind of fucking idiots.
“We made our flight with seconds to spare, and then the true torture began.”
Um, the true torture began 424 pages ago, Bella. (A: Let's be honest. The torture began almost two books ago.) (C: Was it ONLY two books?)
She's referring to the fact that she has to sit and (K)stew on a plane while those bitch flight attendants 'casually' stroll up and down the aisles and do their normal jobs like some kind of fucking idiots.
Bella runs down the stairs and throws the door open to find Jacob at the front door. Well, not quite at the door:
Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.
Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.
"He was standing about 6 feet back from the door, his nose wrinkled in distaste, but his face otherwise smooth - masklike."
Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.
Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.
We've fallen off pace a bit here, and it's my fault. Time is so hard, you guys.
Catherine: SO hard. It went forward like, an hour the other day and we can't be blamed for that. So...
Kirsti: I would say that I stole it, but Australia is on daylight saving for another 2 weeks, so it definitely wasn't me.
Mari: Bella finds Alice in her house, waiting "perfectly motionless in the center of the hall." So, in addition to breaking and entering, Alice is just standing there. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.
Catherine: SO hard. It went forward like, an hour the other day and we can't be blamed for that. So...
Kirsti: I would say that I stole it, but Australia is on daylight saving for another 2 weeks, so it definitely wasn't me.
Mari: Bella finds Alice in her house, waiting "perfectly motionless in the center of the hall." So, in addition to breaking and entering, Alice is just standing there. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.
We open yet another chapter with Bella waking up in the morning. I know Meyer didn't actually invent that shitty writing shortcut or anything, and it's possible she didn't even notice she was doing it so often, but does she not understand how fucking annoying it is to read? EVERY CHAPTER Bella is waking up for the morning and EVERY CHAPTER she goes to bed at the end. And it's not like this is an intentional motif or anything.
I'm not even sure this complaint is making sense. This book is sapping my will to make sense.
I'm not even sure this complaint is making sense. This book is sapping my will to make sense.
We open at a bar. A late 30s blonde sits at the bar, sipping a cocktail and looking bored. Sam sits down next to her, acting super weird. He shows off his licence dramatically, talking about how he's 26. The bartender's all "I do not get paid enough for this shit", which is legit. He proceeds to order a banana daiquiri. Blonde Cougar introduces herself, and Sam says that his name is Gary. She flirts with him, and he's all "RIGHT?? I'm totally hot!"
His daiquiri arrives and for some reason, with every sip he takes, we're treated to that "okay, seriously, your drink is finished, stop convincing yourself you can get the last drop through the straw" sound, which makes zero sense.
His daiquiri arrives and for some reason, with every sip he takes, we're treated to that "okay, seriously, your drink is finished, stop convincing yourself you can get the last drop through the straw" sound, which makes zero sense.
Previously: The bad guys defeated themselves and the apocalypse didn’t happen. — Be Careful What You Witch For Stephanie: It’s only taken about a year, but it’s finally time for the...
And we're back! I added a little exclamation point to feign some excitement about reading this again. I am happy you are here, though. Welcome! (Note: Genuine exclamation point that time.)
Say hello, ladies:
Kirsti: HELLO FRIENDS. Fun fact: when I first typed that, I wrote "HELL FRIENDS", and that accurately depicts what reading and recapping this book is like: you're in hell, but at least you have friends to complain to about how godawful it is.
Catherine: Hi! I'm glad to see you all again although I wish it was under better circumstances. We really must meet at a happier occasion sometime. Like a funeral or a Mary Kay party.
Say hello, ladies:
Kirsti: HELLO FRIENDS. Fun fact: when I first typed that, I wrote "HELL FRIENDS", and that accurately depicts what reading and recapping this book is like: you're in hell, but at least you have friends to complain to about how godawful it is.
Catherine: Hi! I'm glad to see you all again although I wish it was under better circumstances. We really must meet at a happier occasion sometime. Like a funeral or a Mary Kay party.
The girls return from a shopping trip and talk about how fun the shopping trip was. Prue says it's way more fun than vanquishing demons and everyone who has to watch them vanquish these demons would probably agree.
Stephanie: Maybe vanquishing would be more exciting if it involved more than a bad poem that turns demons into sparkles and twinkle lights in three seconds.
Mari: One of the girls turns on the little kitchen TV. There is a report on the news about a street brawl. Prue asks if they think this kind of violence has been happening a lot lately and Phoebe just quotes her Sociology 101 class.
Stephanie: Maybe vanquishing would be more exciting if it involved more than a bad poem that turns demons into sparkles and twinkle lights in three seconds.
Mari: One of the girls turns on the little kitchen TV. There is a report on the news about a street brawl. Prue asks if they think this kind of violence has been happening a lot lately and Phoebe just quotes her Sociology 101 class.
Before we get started, I’d just like to apologise for the delays in getting Grey recaps out so far this year, all of which have been entirely my fault. I promise I’ll get my shit together for the next one!
Anyway, here we go. The chapter opens and would anyone like to guess what Grey is doing? That’s right! He’s… waking up! He’s being woken up by Ana, who’s talking in her sleep. Her ‘whispered words penetrate [his] slumber’.
Anyway, here we go. The chapter opens and would anyone like to guess what Grey is doing? That’s right! He’s… waking up! He’s being woken up by Ana, who’s talking in her sleep. Her ‘whispered words penetrate [his] slumber’.