We open in a church at night, a priest and a nun tidying away the hymn books as the spooky indoor wind of spookiness messes with some candles.
Kirsti: Nuns, creepy music and spooky indoor wind? Always a good start...
Anna: They’re about to leave when a man on the balcony (Andy) claims that God isn’t with them—and if he is, he’s not a nice bloke. The priest tries to talk him down but Andy promptly shoots himself in the head. What a drama queen.
~~SATAN’S SCREENSAVER!~~
Snarking Top Gun has been on the radar for a long time. I don't remember who first suggested it, but I *do* know that my reaction was "HOLY SHIT YES PLEASE WE HAVE TO DO THIS OMG IT IS SO SNARKTASTIC". So obviously, when it came to me picking a movie for Snarkathon, there was only one possible option.
Also, if someone wants to remake this movie with Logan Echolls as the main character, I would be 100% okay with that.
ANYWAY. Let's get down to recapping, shall we?
Also, if someone wants to remake this movie with Logan Echolls as the main character, I would be 100% okay with that.
ANYWAY. Let's get down to recapping, shall we?
For the first time in approximately a million episodes, we DON'T start in the Shrine o' Spielberg. SCANDAL. Instead, we're at the video store, being reminded that Dawson has a job. Joey walks in and asks if there are any copies of The Crucible left. There aren't and she headdesks for being "that girl" who leaves her schoolwork to the last minute and who had no chance to read the book. Dawson's surprised, and she tells him she was too busy looking after Alexander and setting up the B&B to study. He's double surprised because apparently his best friend didn't bother to tell him that her house is being turned into a B&B. LOL. There's some awkward life catch-up back and forth, then Joey goes to leave and face her inevitable failure.
It’s been nearly two months since I last wrote a Gotham recap, but it still feels like this one came around far too quickly. I know Sweeney and Mari have been feeling really guilty about asking me to recap this show with them, and all I can say is…
We open at a museum with a tour guide describing a legendary book known as the Akashic records, thought to contain an account of all of time’s significant events. Everyone from Hitler, to probably, most likely warlocks has been looking for it. The guide leads his group to a tablet of dead language engravings and explains that anyone who can decipher it will learn the location of the records. As the tour guide speaks, a shifty eyed guy watches another guy who’s examining the tablet and taking notes. Note Guy announces that he’s figured it out and runs off leaving Shifty to look even shiftier. Maybe don’t talk out loud about your deciphering skills near a tablet that no one can decipher?
I have no idea what I did this weekend, except discover that procrastinating the watching of Gotham is an amazing way to make a weekend absolutely disappear. Somewhere in the procrastination fever dream of my weekend, I watched half a season of X-Men: The Animated Series because I was sick and decided to extend my Gotham-vacation.
I don't ever wanna go home!
But alas, even the best vacations must end.
Let's do this.
But alas, even the best vacations must end.
Let's do this.
The finale kicks us off right where we left off, feeling solidly sick to our stomachs as Aaron Echolls leaves the courthouse a free man with adoring fans. Veronica Voice Over sums it up for us: "So this is how it is: the innocent suffer, the guilty go free, and truth and fiction are pretty much interchangeable. There is neither a Santa Clause, nor an Easter Bunny, and there are no angels watching over us. Things just happen for no reason and nothing makes any sense."
After Aaron finishes smarming it up for the cameras, we cut to Mars Investigations where Keith takes the newspaper away from a very upset Veronica, telling her that however unjust things are, they cannot allow themselves to wallow in it.
After Aaron finishes smarming it up for the cameras, we cut to Mars Investigations where Keith takes the newspaper away from a very upset Veronica, telling her that however unjust things are, they cannot allow themselves to wallow in it.
Shrine o' Spielberg. Due to their sad tragic single status and the fact that it's apparently a million degrees, movie night's list of attendees has been reduced to Dawson and Pacey. It may also have something to do with how much they're sweating. Seriously, it's gross:
Democracy Diva: For real. They don't even look like they're sweating - they just look like they're covered in baby oil.
K: YES. Which, to be honest, they probably were.
Pacey bemoans the state of their lives, and also how much Indian summer sucks, thereby earning himself a shiny gold star.
Democracy Diva: For real. They don't even look like they're sweating - they just look like they're covered in baby oil.
K: YES. Which, to be honest, they probably were.
Pacey bemoans the state of their lives, and also how much Indian summer sucks, thereby earning himself a shiny gold star.
We open at Buckland where Prue is appraising a tacky painting of a gothic castle. She points out that the composition is unusual but it’s really not. It’s just a castle sitting in the middle of the canvas and it's definitely a photograph that's been shopped to look painted. The painting belongs to a super nervous woman. She wants to sell it as soon as possible and she doesn’t care how much money they get for it. Her behavior leads me to believe that this is an Evil Painting. The scene ends on an ominous zoom in shot of the painting, so definitely evil.
Phoebe and Piper talk on the phone about how Phoebe crashed Prue’s car into a pole. It looks like Piper is prepping stuff for Wanna-Bronze. I can’t wait.
Phoebe and Piper talk on the phone about how Phoebe crashed Prue’s car into a pole. It looks like Piper is prepping stuff for Wanna-Bronze. I can’t wait.
Guys, I wrote the first twenty minutes of this recap and lost it all because of some combination of the Internet and Wordpress hating me. There was no autosave. It took me so long to recap this crap because of some combination of busy life times and me resenting this episode because I had to watch it again. Did you hear me? I HAVE TO WATCH A PORTION OF AN EPISODE TWICE.
Stephanie: I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a traumatic experience. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.
Stephanie: I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a traumatic experience. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.
Aria and Emily are walking together at night, talking about the movie they just saw (and a really annoying person who kept talking during it– for whom a special level of hell exists).
Aria brings up Spencer, and things get awkward. Aria says that Spencer was trying to protect her (by stalking her), but Emily said she was just being controlling. Emily's annoyed and believes they'll never hear from Ali again. Somehow, I find that doubtful.
Marines: It's cruel to suggest that could happen, show.
Aria brings up Spencer, and things get awkward. Aria says that Spencer was trying to protect her (by stalking her), but Emily said she was just being controlling. Emily's annoyed and believes they'll never hear from Ali again. Somehow, I find that doubtful.
Marines: It's cruel to suggest that could happen, show.
When Mari asked me if I’d like to take on another show and told me Supernatural and Charmed were both available, I immediately jumped on this one because I like pain.
Marines: Um, I don't care why you're doing it. HOORAY!
Steph: Come along, friends, as we enter another season of utter nonsense.
Marines: Um, I don't care why you're doing it. HOORAY!
Steph: Come along, friends, as we enter another season of utter nonsense.
The Evil Internal Affairs Officer we're supposed to suddenly care about in the season finale is going through pictures of the Halliwell sisters. Every time he flips to another picture the music goes DUN. Sparks fly out of his fireplace and materialize into a hooded figure. Evil IA drops to a knee and greets "Tempus." There was a bad guy on Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman named Tempus. I'd rather be watching that.
Tempus tells Evil IA that he was sent as a gift, as he dramatically removes his hood. Evil IA says he doesn't need help defeating the Charmed Ones. Tempus is all, "PFFT," on account of how the girls have defeated so many bad guys this season with their spectacular squinting, reciting, rushing around and dumb luck.
Tempus tells Evil IA that he was sent as a gift, as he dramatically removes his hood. Evil IA says he doesn't need help defeating the Charmed Ones. Tempus is all, "PFFT," on account of how the girls have defeated so many bad guys this season with their spectacular squinting, reciting, rushing around and dumb luck.
Are we done with season 1 yet? Almost? Cool.
Somewhere in San Fran, a woman is clutching a paper bag and walking nervously to her car. Once she gets there, she drops the bag and cuts her hand on a broken bottle. A hand on her shoulder makes her jump, but she's relieved when she sees that it's Leo. I guess she didn't first hear his TINKLE TINKLE TINKLE Whitelighter sound effects. Leo tells Daisy to stay strong for a little longer, until she's safe. Daisy is worried about a certain "he" with lots of scary powers. Leo heals her hand and she's shocked by it. He tells her she's got a special future and he brought her to San Francisco because he's got powerful friends who can help her. Also, the Charmed Ones are here. (He probably meant them, but whatevs.)
Somewhere in San Fran, a woman is clutching a paper bag and walking nervously to her car. Once she gets there, she drops the bag and cuts her hand on a broken bottle. A hand on her shoulder makes her jump, but she's relieved when she sees that it's Leo. I guess she didn't first hear his TINKLE TINKLE TINKLE Whitelighter sound effects. Leo tells Daisy to stay strong for a little longer, until she's safe. Daisy is worried about a certain "he" with lots of scary powers. Leo heals her hand and she's shocked by it. He tells her she's got a special future and he brought her to San Francisco because he's got powerful friends who can help her. Also, the Charmed Ones are here. (He probably meant them, but whatevs.)
The girls are in Spencer's room trying to process this big! revelation! that we've been hinting at since the pilot. In spite of how stupid this is from a plot perspective I kind of feel Aria on her, "Guys, we just found out that the girl whose murder we've been quasi-investigating for 3+ years is actually not dead, CAN WE FUCKING TAKE A MINUTE?" Aria's confused by her feelings, and I don't blame her.
Spencer wants everyone to focus on making Ali feel safe enough to come back so they can talk to her. Emily's the only one willing to point out the obvious: that it's very possible and so-very-Ali that Ali is A. Spencer tries to run down the names of people Ali could be afraid of and settles on the guy that attacked her in Ravenswood.
Spencer wants everyone to focus on making Ali feel safe enough to come back so they can talk to her. Emily's the only one willing to point out the obvious: that it's very possible and so-very-Ali that Ali is A. Spencer tries to run down the names of people Ali could be afraid of and settles on the guy that attacked her in Ravenswood.