Tag: sense this doesn’t any make

Supernatural S01 E16 – Demon hunter advice line.

Chicago, Illinois. A girl walks home late at night, listening to her iPod. She starts seeing a ghostly wind that has a big shadow and whispers really annoyingly, so she takes off running for her apartment. Smart move. She immediately arms her security system and breathes a sigh of relief. Then for some reason, she doesn't turn one damn light on in the whole place as she drinks a beer and listens to her messages on her answering machine. Right, because every 20 something owns an answering machine these days? And even if they did, they sure as shit wouldn't have three messages just from one night away at work.

Anyways, the camera pans back and we watch the shadows on the wall as something creeps up behind Beer Girl and stabs her in the back, blood squirting everywhere.

Pretty Little Liars S03 E13 – Layers for the afterlife

We start off in the asylum on a stormy night with Mona doing some creepy singing about teddy bears having their picnic today. (Pretty singing, though! Do we have a pretty+creepy word in our creepcabulary? It could often be used to describe Mona.) She's painting a head. (YVONNE LEHEAD?) She draws a big red blob on the lips which are magically perfectly painted a hot second later. Continuity is for people with no imagination. Mona monologues about how she gets to do an art project for Halloween, even though they're not big on Halloween around those parts. She turns around and we see that she's talking to a hooded member of the A-Team (Toby?) as she continues about how much she loves Halloween. (You're making this awkward for me, Mona, because I also love the shit out of Halloween.)

Angel S05 E13 – Nostalgia Anti-feels

We start underwater. Remember when Connor sunk Angel and the entire show basically went down with him but didn't get pulled back out again? I'm keeping that in mind because I've been warned that after the last two gems, this is, you know, not so much. Anyway, this underwater scene is a WWII submarine that is being evacuated. What are the evacuation procedures for a submarine? I've never given this much thought. I don't actually find out (yet) because we just see that whatever has them all distressed is probably demonic. We don't see what, but there's a lot of blood.
Kirsti: And to think, the last time we started an episode without the Fang Gang, I was instantly hooked. This time? Bored within the first ten seconds. 

Angel S05 E02 – You’ve got mail.

A title card tells us we're going back to Sunnydale California, nineteen days earlier, and I already know it's going to be a sick joke in which we travel back solely to see how Spike got trapped in a glitter tornado. Sure enough, we find ourselves back in the Hellmouth, Spike all aglow in his magical, world saving, orange light.
Kirsti: Out of context, that scene just looks insane.
Sweeney: I didn't think about that, but you're right. I know we have a few Angel-before-Buffy watchers and I am deeply curious to hear how this came across to you without watching Buffy.

Supernatural S01 E08 – Ew Ew Ew.

Construction Zone. Some construction guys are building new, ritzy houses in a classy subdivision. Beardy Construction Guy complains about mosquitoes right as another guy falls through a weird hole and breaks his ankle. As Beardy Construction Guy runs to get a rope to pull him out, the guy in the hole gets COVERED in bugs, and this is like the third Supernatural recap I've gotten that involves something that legitimately terrifies me. UGH. By the time Beardy Construction Guy gets back, the guy in the hole is laying at the bottom (with no bugs on him) and bleeding from the eyes, nose, and ears.
Kirsti: Hello, nightmare.

Angel S04 E20 – Fancy meeting you here.

In an attempt to make Connor even more unsympathetic than he was before, it appears he is immune to Gina Torres's blood. We join him now, telling Angel that he's wrong about everything and that they are going to tear him apart. More Jasminenites approach. Angel reacts quickly, shutting the door and using his body weight to hold it closed. He tells the rest of the Gang to make a run for it. Someone who knows the truth must survive. They all take off down the fire escape as Angel keeps trying to hold the door.
In an attempt to make Connor slightly less unsympathetic than a minute ago, he starts banging on the door, and in between hits, he says he's finally part of something.

Supernatural S01 E04 – Nope

We open at an airport where some guy is looking super anxious. He heads to the bathroom and is splashing water on his face, and a random other guy says not to worry because your odds of dying in a plane crash are 20,000 to 1. YEAH, NOT WHAT I WANNA HEAR, MAN. Let me just go ahead and tell you that flying is my absolute biggest fear and the majority of my nightmares center around plane crashes, so I'm pretty sure this episode is going to ruin me.
Kirsti: I'm not afraid of flying on account of I've been doing it on the regular since I was like nine months old (also because I live in Australia and it's really fucking time consuming to get ANYWHERE if you don't fly), but bathroom guy is a total asshat for listing that hugely unhelpful statistic.

Angel S04 E10 – Pissing Contests

Random people in Los Angeles (a father and child, a postalworker, YOU, DEAR EVERYMAN VIEWER!) are watching the news or the sky in shock and horror about the "localized abnormality" that is the blotted out sun. It's funny, particularly for us joint-watchers, to have them address this, "No, the sun's not gone in Sunnydale, because of reasons! Don't worry about it." Also, the news is being reported by KTLA5 and I always get a little giddy about that, because that was the nightly local news I watched. Or, like, kept on in the background because I didn't feel like turning the TV off while I played Roller Coaster Tycoon.
Lorraine: People throwing up on my clean sidewalks used to carry over into my dreams. Man, I loved that game.

Angel S03 E22 – WHAT THE HECK?

We open with Groo walking into the Hyperion carrying a tray of glasses filled with...IDK, muddy water? He looks across the lobby to see Cordy standing in the office and I REALLY can't get over how ugly her hair is. He heads into the office, and Cordy's all "WTF is that drink?" He says that it's a soothing brew to help her chill out. She says that it looks like muddy water, and he's all "CORRECT!" Lor, does this make me a Snark Prophet?
Lorraine: Half of one, because I'm pretty sure you've seen this episode before. I love you.
K: I barely remembered the plot, let alone the tiny details!

Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 22 – What’s mine is mine.

The last chapter ended with Ana answering a phone call from Mia, only to discover that Jack Hyde, evil boss extraordinaire, was on the other line. We start this chapter one second later. "Jack." My voice has disappeared, choked by fear.
Jack, she says with her voice, one second before the cracked out author tells us her voice has disappeared. Jack is surprised that Ana remembers him. Since he was her boss at her first post-college job, who also tried to sexually molest her, I'm gonna go ahead and say it isn't any wonder she remembers him. Also, she last saw him a few months ago. Maybe this is more a commentary on Jack being surprised that Ana remembers anything at all.

2013 Fall TV Roundup #1 – Or BIGOTRY!

In a nutshell: So there's this guy, right? And he's fighting in the Revolutionary War all heroic and brave like, right up until some creep with a metal mask comes over to stab him. In his dying moments, this guy (Ichabod Crane) goes down swinging and manages to chop off the head of the creep with the mask. He dies, and if that weren't sucky enough, Ichabod Crane is rudely awakened from his grave 250 years later, and soon falls right into an epic mission: the Headless Horseman is back as well, and in the year 2013, it seems that everyone likes their horsemen with heads and generally not going around killing people and being apocalyptic. Ichabod teams up with Lt. Abbie Mills to figure out WTF is going on.
What Lorraine Thinks: This show is batshit crazy.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer S06 E05 – Career Day

Buffy gets home with a bucket of fried chicken, only to find that Willow, Tara, Giles and Dawn are already having dinner. It's says a lot about how not-okay things are that this makes everyone super uncomfortable. Giles even says they haven't eaten, even though we can totally see the food. Buffy assures everyone that it's okay, but they all make a big show of really wanting Buffy's chicken.
Kirsti: Oh, Giles. Don't ever change. Also, this scene made me realise that we're only just at the beginning of Buffy's attempts at bringing things home for dinner, and now I has the sads.
Sweeney: THANKS, KIRSTI. NOW I DO TOO.

Angel S03 E04 – Nope.

The episode begins with everyone sitting in the lobby quietly and jumping when Fred enters. Fred looks over Cordelia's shoulder at her magazine and having starved in a cave for five years, is confused by the starved-looking models. She's also just generally lurking and even though it's just a beauty magazine it still gives me, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BUBBLE WHEN I'M READING," feelings just watching. (K: Agreed. My mum does it all the time and it makes me squicky.) She mentions that Angel is probably reading, which is his cut to enternouncequestion if anyone else has read this great thing in the paper. Said great thing is a Charlton Heston double feature which nobody else gives any fucks about, but I'm going to go ahead and declare shots for the Angel/art OTP. I'm reaching a little here, but I don't care.

Pretty Little Liars S02 E01 – Unwise choices.

The first episode of season two starts moments after where we left off at the end of For Whom the Bell Tolls. The girls are sharing a group WTF over the fact that Ian was most definitely dead, and now his body is missing. They of course attribute this to A shenanigans.
Creepy Jenna-kissing Officer Garrett comes over to tell the girls that they are being taken down to the station and their parents will meet them there. The girls don't question this, and hop on into Officer Garrett's car. He takes a turn that is decidedly not towards the station, pulls into a back alley and demands that the girls all get out of the car in a super creepy fashion.

Angel S02 E21 – Queen for a day.

We pick up exactly where we left off last time. The guys stare at Showgirl Costume Cordy in confusion, and she says Pylea's not that bad although her throne could use more cushions. Wes says that it's great because now she can set them all free. Gunn makes puppy dog eyes at her as he shows off his manacles. She says that there should be extended grovelling first, and Angel rolls his eyes. So she says "Off with their heads!" The guards all pull their swords and the guys look shocked. "Just kidding!" she adds. Roll electric cellos.
Sweeney: Girl, this is not really the audience for joking about members of the Fang Gang getting beheaded.