Necessary disclaimer: we know nothing about Batman. I've maybe seen all of the Batman movies made in my lifetime, occasionally watched the 90's cartoon as a kid, and love Batman The Ride. I also just remembered that I suppressed memories of thinking Chris O'Donnell was dreamy when I was in the 4th grade, thanks entirely to Batman Forever. That is my entire Batman CV. My comic book IQ is pretty low, in general, and Batman is definitely not on the list of superheroes whose stories I could feign competency in. To the best of my knowledge, this is also true of Lorraine (L: Yep.) and Alex, who agreed to join us for her first series recapping gig with the internet equivalent of a shrug and nervous laughter (A: Thanks again for the invite! And I think I've only seen two Batman movies ever).
The girls go through a box of toys and other Ali things at Rosewood's One Coffeeshop, reminding us about the missing bird, returned dead bestie's mother, and Hanna's future accused murderer mother. Everyone is unimpressed with Aria's latest teacher boyfriend.
Piper Mom is also there with her Coffee Shop Owning boyfriend. He's moving to Austria and wants her to come with him, but she can't because she has children. He wants her to "take motherhood off the table for a second" and Piper Mom doesn't in any way whatsoever respond that this is not how motherhood works. Is that why parenting is so bad in Rosewood? "I want to do a thing, but I'm a parent!" "Just, like, pretend you're not." "Perfect!"
Piper Mom is also there with her Coffee Shop Owning boyfriend. He's moving to Austria and wants her to come with him, but she can't because she has children. He wants her to "take motherhood off the table for a second" and Piper Mom doesn't in any way whatsoever respond that this is not how motherhood works. Is that why parenting is so bad in Rosewood? "I want to do a thing, but I'm a parent!" "Just, like, pretend you're not." "Perfect!"
A police station in Baltimore. A detective grabs a fax off the machine, reads it, and tells the person he's talking to that he'll call them back. Cut to a SWAT team at the Motel of the Week. Cut back to Detective Cheap Suit [DCS] talking to a suspect in an interrogation room. He thought the suspect had just upped his game on the petty stuff, then they got a fax from St. Louis about Mystery Suspect killing someone. "So now we know Karen Giles wasn't the first person you murdered," he says. He pronouces Giles as Guylz, and I want to punch him in the face.
Across town, LINDA FREAKING BLAIR (better known as Regan from The Exorcist) and the SWAT team break down a motel room door. "Going somewhere, Sam?" she says.
Across town, LINDA FREAKING BLAIR (better known as Regan from The Exorcist) and the SWAT team break down a motel room door. "Going somewhere, Sam?" she says.
Veronica stares broodily at her shitty school holiday-themed dessert. Duncan sits down excitedly, but Veronica's got no time for happy and cuts right to the "Your comatose girlfriend is pregnant" chase. Duncan confesses that he found this out from reading Meg's letter, and Veronica's upset that Duncan didn't tell her. Dick arrives to break the tension by inviting them to a big holiday party, which Duncan can't attend. Dick also nonchalantly exposits that Meg woke up. (L: God bless Ryan Hansen for trying to make this exposition work.) Once Dick leaves, Veronica gets into PI mode, pulling out her VISITOR pass from the last episode, assuring Duncan that she can get them in to see the no-longer-comatose Meg.
Democracy Diva: And her superhero vampire slayer fetus that can survive explosions and bus crashes and comas.
Democracy Diva: And her superhero vampire slayer fetus that can survive explosions and bus crashes and comas.
The episode picks up where the last one left off and I'm actually kind of glad we're not watching real time because if I had to wait months to see them open the trunk for this big reveal, I'd be pissed. The trunk contents? A dead pig. That's it. This fucking show.
Lorraine: Mother of all curb-hangers.
Sweeney: The girls start to blame Mona for setting them up, but crazy bitch actually the only one thinking smart - she's stealing the hard drive with the video of Ashley Marin running over Detective Wilden.
Lorraine: Mother of all curb-hangers.
Sweeney: The girls start to blame Mona for setting them up, but crazy bitch actually the only one thinking smart - she's stealing the hard drive with the video of Ashley Marin running over Detective Wilden.
Emily, Aria and Hanna are downstairs at the Hastings House, waiting for Spencer. There is an impressive spread of finger foods that I want to reach through the TV and grab. Aria wonders if they talk about Toby. Emily is afraid of saying anything that could send Spencer back to Radley. Hanna says maybe there is still hope that Toby isn't dead, but I don't follow her logic as to why. Just go with it.
Spencer shows up and says hope breeds eternal misery. She looks spectacular though. Much better than her Pretty White Virginal Pajamas. (S: It's also the first time in about a dozen episodes that she's not sporting some of Faith's coma makeup.)
Spencer shows up and says hope breeds eternal misery. She looks spectacular though. Much better than her Pretty White Virginal Pajamas. (S: It's also the first time in about a dozen episodes that she's not sporting some of Faith's coma makeup.)
Spencer is sitting alone in the common area at Radley when the PLLs drop by. It appears to be well past visiting hours, but Radley's just making shit up as she goes. Anyway, the PLLs dropped by to let her know that they have good news, but they have a really interesting interpretation of "good news" because that news is that the cops found a camper's body. I mean, yay for Toby, but also sucks for that camper and his family, you know?
Lorraine: Plus, they seem to have missed the part where Spencer is in there because she saw Toby's body. "Good news, your boyfriend is alive, but you are DEFINITELY crazy!" Thanks, girls! Nice way to start the episode.
Lorraine: Plus, they seem to have missed the part where Spencer is in there because she saw Toby's body. "Good news, your boyfriend is alive, but you are DEFINITELY crazy!" Thanks, girls! Nice way to start the episode.
I took a few weeks off of Charmed during vacation and I feel like I've forgotten everything that's happened. Something tells me that won't matter.
Salem, Massachusetts, 1692. Some woo-woo music plays as two men unlock a door where a woman is being held. She (Melinda) asks why he (Matthew) betrayed her and he says she got what she deserved. Matthew pretended to love Melinda, took her powers and then turned her in to be burned at the stake. Melinda rips her locket off and throws it at Matthew, telling him to keep his trinkets. He chuckles and opens it for contrivance reasons. Inside is a petal that bursts into a small flame. Melinda recites a curse and steals back her power.
Salem, Massachusetts, 1692. Some woo-woo music plays as two men unlock a door where a woman is being held. She (Melinda) asks why he (Matthew) betrayed her and he says she got what she deserved. Matthew pretended to love Melinda, took her powers and then turned her in to be burned at the stake. Melinda rips her locket off and throws it at Matthew, telling him to keep his trinkets. He chuckles and opens it for contrivance reasons. Inside is a petal that bursts into a small flame. Melinda recites a curse and steals back her power.
Shrine O'Spielberg Horror Movie Marathon. Dawson and Joey are watching I Know What You Did Last Summer (except I totally thought that it was Scream until Kirsti corrected me, because all these movies are the same) and it's the scene with Sarah Michelle Gellar, so I'm counting this as Buffy crossover magic.
Kirsti: Totally counts. Except that Buffy would never run away screaming.
Kirsti: Totally counts. Except that Buffy would never run away screaming.
In a parking garage that is strangely lit in blue, one white dude in a suit greets another white dude in a suit, in a stalker-y way. Dr. Mitchell tries to get into his car but the Fanboy Stalker blocks his path and gushes about Dr. Mitchell's studies in cell degeneration. Fanboy says Dr. Mitchell has become kind of a hobby of his and mentions a paper that hasn't even been published yet. Fanboy assures the doctor that it will be published and that he will also find a vaccine. Dr. Mitchell asks for what and Fanboy shoots him with a blue laser in the forehead.
The Halliwell sisters are waiting in a line for something and Phoebe brought along a Magic 8 Ball. In public.
The Halliwell sisters are waiting in a line for something and Phoebe brought along a Magic 8 Ball. In public.
Neptune High Parking Lot. Veronica's car has stopped and lots of people are honking at her and generally being shit waffles because they SEE Veronica is having issues, so why honk? Logan and his Brogans are casually passing by, in "making jokes about poor people" distance. Logan is carving up an apple and Veronica grabs his knife all while brushing off their subpar insults.
Sweeney: 1430s all around for your Logan and his Brogans and for Veronica's delightful snark.
Democracy Diva: I was also going to give Lor a 1430 for "Logan and his Brogans," so congrats, you get a 2860!
Sweeney: 1430s all around for your Logan and his Brogans and for Veronica's delightful snark.
Democracy Diva: I was also going to give Lor a 1430 for "Logan and his Brogans," so congrats, you get a 2860!
Shrine O'Spielberg. Dawson and Joey are having a disaster movie marathon because there's a hurricane a-blowin'. Gail and her not-so-secret lover Bob are covering the storm on TV, and are overtly flirting with each other during the broadcast because they're bad at secrets. Dawson's parents still don't know that he knows about the affair, and he's too tired to deal with feelings, so he asks Joey, "You mind if I sack?" Is this an actual thing that humans say? (K: Maybe it was in the 90s??) Anyway, Joey basically tells him to deal with his shit instead of hiding out in the storm. Instead, he broods and watches his mother and her mastress (man-mistress? Guys, it's so sexist that there isn't a word for this!) on the news.
We begin in the Mars Investigations Offices with Veronica tutoring Weevil in math. This scene not only gives us some adorable Veronica/Weevil time but also reminds us that the gang leader with the heart of gold is not only sweeter than he lets on, but smarter than the school system gives him credit for. He dismisses a word problem he doesn't want to answer by giving Bob the fictional Word Problem Guy some financial advice. I'm overselling this - that advice was basically, "Illegal stuff makes a lot of money!"
Lorraine: Because the gang leader with a heart of gold is also poor. So, you know.
Lorraine: Because the gang leader with a heart of gold is also poor. So, you know.
The Halliwell sisters bicker lightly as they leave the Manor. Prue doesn't want to go to some housewarming party, Phoebe definitely does, and Piper tries to distract her sisters with tales of bad hair day.
A dog with weird, glowy eyes watches the sisters as they cross the street to the party. The girls find their new neighbors, siblings Marshall, Fritz and Cynda. Once small talk is done, Prue wants to leave, but Phoebe directs her attention to where Andy is standing nearby. They've set her up. Phoebe and Piper shuffle off as Andy comes over to ask Prue out again. He's rejected. Again.
A dog with weird, glowy eyes watches the sisters as they cross the street to the party. The girls find their new neighbors, siblings Marshall, Fritz and Cynda. Once small talk is done, Prue wants to leave, but Phoebe directs her attention to where Andy is standing nearby. They've set her up. Phoebe and Piper shuffle off as Andy comes over to ask Prue out again. He's rejected. Again.
We begin with Deputy Mumbler's tongue in Veronica's mouth. He basically asks if he can come inside the Mars apartment and have sexytimes with her, but she's like, nuh-uh. She also mentions that their age difference is 29 months, which is a few years less than I had been estimating. Are there really nineteen-year-old cops? I mean, I guess if you can be a soldier at 18, you can be a cop at 19, but I can't pretend I'm comfortable with the idea of teens in the police force.
Lorraine: Girl, sometimes I see teens serving me fries at McDonalds and I hit them with a, "are you qualified for this?" eyebrow. It's part of being an adult, right?
Lorraine: Girl, sometimes I see teens serving me fries at McDonalds and I hit them with a, "are you qualified for this?" eyebrow. It's part of being an adult, right?