Previously: A suck and blow mystery. — Samantha: Tessa scrambles away as Hardin slams Dan’s head into the grass. She wonders if he would have also slammed his head into concrete...
After that fabulous curb hanger, Jake makes Bella prove that she knows how to use the motorbike by demanding to know where various controls are. After a FULL PAGE of that shit, he tells her that she's ready to actually start moving. Obviously, she freaks the fuck out. He tells her to pretend the clutch is a live hand grenade so that she won't let go of it????? This strategy would have me getting the fuck off the motorbike, but we all know that Bella's nowhere near as smart as me.
Diva: It's snowing furiously over a camp. Zoom in on Melisandre, who looks a lot more frightened than her usual DGAF demon-birthing self. Suddenly tents start bursting into flames, many different ones at once. The camp explodes into chaos, and there's a screaming horse on fire, just in case you weren't absolutely sure you were watching Game of Thrones.
Marines: It's too cold for boobs, I guess, so dying horse it is.
First things first: this episode is a bitch and a half to find gifs for on account of the Jus in Bello convention. So I'm sorry about any giant slabs of text...
Monument, Colorado. The boys break into an incredibly white hotel room and search it. Apparently it's Bela's room and they're looking for the Colt. Suddenly the phone rings. After staring at it awkwardly for a minute, Dean answers. It's Bela, who informs him that she's two states away already. He demands the Colt back, and she's all "LOL NOPE". He murder-nounces that he's going to find her because he has nothing better to do with his life, and she informs him that he's about to get suuuuuuper busy on account of she gave the cops a tip off. The door bursts open, the cops appear, and the boys are arrested.
Monument, Colorado. The boys break into an incredibly white hotel room and search it. Apparently it's Bela's room and they're looking for the Colt. Suddenly the phone rings. After staring at it awkwardly for a minute, Dean answers. It's Bela, who informs him that she's two states away already. He demands the Colt back, and she's all "LOL NOPE". He murder-nounces that he's going to find her because he has nothing better to do with his life, and she informs him that he's about to get suuuuuuper busy on account of she gave the cops a tip off. The door bursts open, the cops appear, and the boys are arrested.
It’s been nearly two months since I last wrote a Gotham recap, but it still feels like this one came around far too quickly. I know Sweeney and Mari have been feeling really guilty about asking me to recap this show with them, and all I can say is…
We open at a prison. A dude I know from One Episode of Everything Ever heads into the visiting area where he's visiting Gordon. UGH, GORDON. (A: I second this ugh.) He fills Gordon in on what happened in Wyoming, and Gordon's all "SAM WINCHESTER WAS THERE". Our random visitor, Kubrick, confirms it, but says he's heard the Winchesters were there to help. Gordon refuses to believe it, and says "Sam Winchester must die". He hangs up the phone (without saying goodbye) and we fade to black.
The Liars are gathered in the Hastings House watching the news coverage on the eye witness that has come forward in Wilden's case. The doorbell rings and Spencer goes to answer it while the remaining girls exposit that Travis is the cute eye witness. Hanna is legit worried that he might withdraw his testimony and Aria offers, "he's quite the dancer."
Sweeney: Aria, that is relevant to nothing at all. Your inability to differentiate the pertinence of information is part of why you never definitively solve anything ever.
Sweeney: Aria, that is relevant to nothing at all. Your inability to differentiate the pertinence of information is part of why you never definitively solve anything ever.
Shrine O’Spielberg. We immediately know Dawson is depressed/lonely because he’s hanging out with his mom. They're watching his movie, and we still have only seen the Rachel Leigh Cook-as-Joey rows-on-the-creek part of the film. I would not be surprised if that were the entire movie. Anyway, Gail raves about how moving and beautiful it is.
Kirsti: She insists she's not saying any of this because she's his mother, but she totally is.
Diva: For sure. Dawson says he had a clear vision, but he couldn't bring it to life on film. (I personally don't think that's his problem. I think it's his vision that probably sucked.)
Kirsti: She insists she's not saying any of this because she's his mother, but she totally is.
Diva: For sure. Dawson says he had a clear vision, but he couldn't bring it to life on film. (I personally don't think that's his problem. I think it's his vision that probably sucked.)
A bus pulls up in a busy Gotham street, and the Penguin steps off wearing an ugly cableknit jumper. He looks around and smiles at the general crime and police corruption currently going on all around him, happy to be home.
Lorraine: But the question remains: why the heck does anyone else call this city where all the crime happens in broad daylight home?
Alex: A news report tells us that some rich guy, currently on trial for running a Ponzi scheme, is out on bail – much to the disgust to the citizens of Gotham who were the victims of his scheming. My knowledge of what a Ponzi scheme is is possibly the only good thing to come out of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s mercifully short time on Ringer.
Lorraine: But the question remains: why the heck does anyone else call this city where all the crime happens in broad daylight home?
Alex: A news report tells us that some rich guy, currently on trial for running a Ponzi scheme, is out on bail – much to the disgust to the citizens of Gotham who were the victims of his scheming. My knowledge of what a Ponzi scheme is is possibly the only good thing to come out of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s mercifully short time on Ringer.
Rosewood used to have One Restaurant but I think they gave up on that and started serving food in the One Coffee Shop. That's where we find our girls now. They exposit in the clunkiest ways possible the events of Wilden's murder and funeral. ("I was looking at that freaky woman!" "Which one?" "Oh, you know, the one with the veil we all saw and would definitely be described as freaky! REMEMBER?" Yes girls, we remember. Thank you.)
Sweeney: Next time we hang out I think we need to better prepare for the TV version of our lives by having long conversations about things we just did.
Sweeney: Next time we hang out I think we need to better prepare for the TV version of our lives by having long conversations about things we just did.
Red Lodge, Montana. A terrified girl runs through the woods at night, a man chasing her. She hides behind a tree, and the man runs past her. Or so she thinks. She peeks out from behind the tree, and he chops off her head.
FLAME ON!
After the Not!Credits, we're treated to the delightful strains of AC/DC's Back In Black as the newly remodelled Bromobile rolls down the road. There's like 30 seconds straight of car close-ups just so we can marvel at how shiny it is.
FLAME ON!
After the Not!Credits, we're treated to the delightful strains of AC/DC's Back In Black as the newly remodelled Bromobile rolls down the road. There's like 30 seconds straight of car close-ups just so we can marvel at how shiny it is.
We pick up where we left off last season, with the possessed truck driver getting out of his rig. He rips the door off the Bromobile, only to find Sam pointing the Colt at his junk. The demon scoffs that there’s only one bullet left and it's destined for the Yellow Eyed Demon. Sam has no fucks to give. The demon bails, leaving the truck driver to stare in horror at the three people he's nearly killed.
Cut to a helicopter landing some time later. The Winchesters are all rushed to the helicopter on stretchers. Sam demands information but the paramedics tell him to stay still. Cut to a hospital. A pyjama-clad Dean wakes up and gets out of bed. He calls out, but there's no answer.
Cut to a helicopter landing some time later. The Winchesters are all rushed to the helicopter on stretchers. Sam demands information but the paramedics tell him to stay still. Cut to a hospital. A pyjama-clad Dean wakes up and gets out of bed. He calls out, but there's no answer.
We start off in the asylum on a stormy night with Mona doing some creepy singing about teddy bears having their picnic today. (Pretty singing, though! Do we have a pretty+creepy word in our creepcabulary? It could often be used to describe Mona.) She's painting a head. (YVONNE LEHEAD?) She draws a big red blob on the lips which are magically perfectly painted a hot second later. Continuity is for people with no imagination. Mona monologues about how she gets to do an art project for Halloween, even though they're not big on Halloween around those parts. She turns around and we see that she's talking to a hooded member of the A-Team (Toby?) as she continues about how much she loves Halloween. (You're making this awkward for me, Mona, because I also love the shit out of Halloween.)
Lawrence, Kansas. A young woman (who we last saw reporting on how awesome Jasmine is!) sits in her darkened kitchen, surrounded by moving boxes. She pulls out her wedding photo and tears up. She stops herself when her daughter walks in and says that she can't sleep because there's something in her closet. Upstairs, Widow!Mom checks the closet and declares it free from monsters, though the cameraman lurking in the depths would indicate otherwise. She tucks her daughter, Sari, into bed. Sari says that she doesn't like this house, but Widow!Mom says it's just because she's not used to it, and that they'll be very happy there. She turns the light out and goes to leave, but Sari demands that she first barricade the closet shut with a chair.
The Liars discuss their previous lies: being at Ali's grave the night her body disappeared, pretending to be at the Lake House of Secrets instead, etc. They're on their way to go comfort Hanna about not having a pretty wolf to kiss anymore when an ambulance shows up across the street. The paramedics wheel out Garrett's mom on a stretcher, which doesn't seem that important plot-wise but this is PLL, so.
Also, this neighborhood must be a very strange shape if they all live next door to each other and also next door to Alison's old house and also next door to New Jason and Garrett. It defies all logic. Aria sees a hoodied person watching them, and the girls freak, as usual.
Also, this neighborhood must be a very strange shape if they all live next door to each other and also next door to Alison's old house and also next door to New Jason and Garrett. It defies all logic. Aria sees a hoodied person watching them, and the girls freak, as usual.