Continuing on from yesterday's total lack of a cliffhanger, Bella tells us all about her Edward dream. In it, "what dim light there was seemed to be radiating from Edward's skin." Because he glows as well as sparkling, apparently. Oh. Sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, Dream!Edward continually walks away from Bella no matter what she does. LOL.
Marines: I'm going to go ahead and call a red flag on dreams of your crush glowing in the dark and running away from you. Also WHAT THE CHEATERY, SKIN-GLOWING NARRATION HELL? Is Bella a prophet? Please just tell this Snow if the answer is yes so I can stop asking HOW SHE KNOWS SO MUCH.
Bella wakes up again. At the beginning of every chapter she must wake up. It is the prophecy.
She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.
She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.
Last time I watched The OC, the gang was celebrating Chrismukkah and I revealed my snow elitism roots. (M: Good times.) I haven’t seen any of season three, so this should be interesting…
The episode begins with the foursome eating at a diner. The boys decide that the girls should pick the movie (could I love these boys anymore??), which leads to Summer and Marissa riffing “Bring It On.”
The episode begins with the foursome eating at a diner. The boys decide that the girls should pick the movie (could I love these boys anymore??), which leads to Summer and Marissa riffing “Bring It On.”
First things first: I have an irrational love for this episode. It manages to be feelsy and really freaking dark and hilarious simultaneously, and it's just kind of great.
Right, on with the show. We open with a super close up of Sam's closed eyes. Heat of the Moment by Asia starts playing, and he sits bolt upright in bed at the Motel of the Week. Dean, already dressed, tells Sam that it's "time to rise and shine, Sammy!" This gives me horrible flashbacks to my teen years when my mother would burst into my room at like 9am on a Saturday and holler "Time for getting up now!" (M: My mom's Saturday wake-up was the dreaded, "time to clean!" -_-)
Right, on with the show. We open with a super close up of Sam's closed eyes. Heat of the Moment by Asia starts playing, and he sits bolt upright in bed at the Motel of the Week. Dean, already dressed, tells Sam that it's "time to rise and shine, Sammy!" This gives me horrible flashbacks to my teen years when my mother would burst into my room at like 9am on a Saturday and holler "Time for getting up now!" (M: My mom's Saturday wake-up was the dreaded, "time to clean!" -_-)
Yes, I'm doing another Gotham recap because we're real behind and Sweeney is "too busy" to do these recaps. Mmmhmm.
Kidding! I love Sweeney and am totally okay taking one for the team. I also expect an extra round or two of alcohol when I see her face in April. So.
Sweeney: I mean, you already resolved to steal all the wine all the time always because of some other thing that happened in some other recap. I don't really remember except that you're gonna steal wine and also I'm tired and now I'm also stalling because fuck this show. But yeah, sure, lots-o-booze, girl. Promise, promise.
Kidding! I love Sweeney and am totally okay taking one for the team. I also expect an extra round or two of alcohol when I see her face in April. So.
Sweeney: I mean, you already resolved to steal all the wine all the time always because of some other thing that happened in some other recap. I don't really remember except that you're gonna steal wine and also I'm tired and now I'm also stalling because fuck this show. But yeah, sure, lots-o-booze, girl. Promise, promise.
Rosewood used to have One Restaurant but I think they gave up on that and started serving food in the One Coffee Shop. That's where we find our girls now. They exposit in the clunkiest ways possible the events of Wilden's murder and funeral. ("I was looking at that freaky woman!" "Which one?" "Oh, you know, the one with the veil we all saw and would definitely be described as freaky! REMEMBER?" Yes girls, we remember. Thank you.)
Sweeney: Next time we hang out I think we need to better prepare for the TV version of our lives by having long conversations about things we just did.
Sweeney: Next time we hang out I think we need to better prepare for the TV version of our lives by having long conversations about things we just did.
With the third and final book now behind us, it's time to take one last, overarching look at just how stupid it really was, from the insane word counts produced by ELJ's limited grasp of the English language, to the nonsensical pacing in a book originally written as serialized fanfiction by someone without a proper understanding of "plot" or "reality."
Lorraine: We often marveled at how much bad E.L. James managed to stuff into her series, but because we spread our recaps out over so many weeks, we're afraid our readers lose sight of just how horrible this material really is.
Lorraine: We often marveled at how much bad E.L. James managed to stuff into her series, but because we spread our recaps out over so many weeks, we're afraid our readers lose sight of just how horrible this material really is.
Sweeney: The chapter begins with Ana waking up to being physically smothered not-quite-to-death by Grey. She notes that he is "so needy on some level." LOL, you think? This makes her think of baby!Grey just for your chapter-beginning pedobear EW moment. She wakes him up and he blinks a couple of times. I imagine that we are told about people blinking as many times in these three books as in the whole rest of literature.
Lorraine: I like that comparing these books to the whole rest of literature has become a thing. It really gives scope to the bullshit.
Sweeney: That's what we're all about: giving everyone a proper bullshit metric.
Lorraine: I like that comparing these books to the whole rest of literature has become a thing. It really gives scope to the bullshit.
Sweeney: That's what we're all about: giving everyone a proper bullshit metric.
Previously: I don’t really remember, but I think we spent forty years in a desert? With Grey making domestic violence jokes and something about boats which don’t belong in deserts...