On the girly roadtrip to Port Angeles, Jessica wibbles about boys and dates while forcing them to listen to "whiny rock songs". Despite this, Bella informs us that "the estrogen rush was invigorating". I…don't know what the fuck that means. I think she's trying to say that it was nice to hang out with other teenage girls, but she's also told us multiple times that she gives zero fucks about Jessica and Angela, so…yeah.
Marines: I died laughing. I've been a girl all of my life and I've never experienced an invigorating estrogen rush. Should I be asking for my money back?
Pop quiz time everyone!
This chapter starts out by revealing Bella's feelings about basketball.
Does she:
a) Hate it
b) not care about it
or c) she's the worst.
Did you guess? That's right! The answer is she's fucking the worst and all of the above.
This chapter starts out by revealing Bella's feelings about basketball.
Does she:
a) Hate it
b) not care about it
or c) she's the worst.
Did you guess? That's right! The answer is she's fucking the worst and all of the above.
Previously: Tessa spends the night, eats breakfast and gets kicked out. — Marines: We are once again subjected to an awkward car ride because they are one again fighting. I just...
Previously: Tessa got Hardin back to the dinner table with her tears and kisses. — Samantha: The chapter begins with Karen being surprised that Tessa would offer to help with cleanup....
Tessa tries to take a step back from Hardin, but "his grip is too strong." We're going to totally ignore her lack of bodily autonomy in this very moment because she's so! shocked! and! over! whelmed! that Hardin just said he wants to be good. If it is THIS SHOCKING that someone has set the pretty mid-level bar of being good, perhaps don't date that person. #SnarkLadyAdvice (S: #MaybeLiterallySavesLivesInThisCase.)
Hello friends! Funny story, I first wrote (most of) this recap in February of 2015. Here, I'll quote you the original opening for posterity's sake:
It was always our intention to pick up another book to snark in 2015, but I've got to admit that having so many of you hanging around the Fifty Shades reviews recently made me really miss that project. I mean, not any of the actual words written in the book... except for maybe "floor the pedal to the medal" and "my mother was a crack whore, Anastasia. Now go to sleep."
It was always our intention to pick up another book to snark in 2015, but I've got to admit that having so many of you hanging around the Fifty Shades reviews recently made me really miss that project. I mean, not any of the actual words written in the book... except for maybe "floor the pedal to the medal" and "my mother was a crack whore, Anastasia. Now go to sleep."
It's only been six weeks (at the time of writing this) between recaps, you guys. That's like a hot second to Melisandre. And don't pretend you didn't need some time to digest this madness before digging in. Now that I've made myself feel less guilty for delaying this so long, let's do this fucking finale.
Catherine: Ha! Smart. But honestly, we have so long until the next season starts that us delaying this long just means that you guys won't have to wait that extra six weeks for season 7 posts to start? Maybe?
Catherine: Ha! Smart. But honestly, we have so long until the next season starts that us delaying this long just means that you guys won't have to wait that extra six weeks for season 7 posts to start? Maybe?
Oh wow. WOW. I guess I got this chapter. The Twilight gods have not smiled kindly on my today, friends. I see how it is. *sigh*
Marines: If you read that and are thinking, "why do they keep saying this? Why won't they all accept there are no good chapters?" I can only say we are brave and endlessly hopeful in the face of adversity.
Annie: Each new chapter is just garbage in book form, each one worse than the last. I mean, it can't possibly be worse than two boys fighting over her like Bella's some sex companion to be won while she lays there, unconscious. Right?
Marines: If you read that and are thinking, "why do they keep saying this? Why won't they all accept there are no good chapters?" I can only say we are brave and endlessly hopeful in the face of adversity.
Annie: Each new chapter is just garbage in book form, each one worse than the last. I mean, it can't possibly be worse than two boys fighting over her like Bella's some sex companion to be won while she lays there, unconscious. Right?
As Bella walks the plank that will lead her to a UGH, OH MY GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? party, Edward sneaks up behind her and pulls her into a kiss. Bella tells us there is too much "tension edge" and "lip crush" to the kiss, which has her worried. Because Edward only kisses her to manipulate her, prove a point, or when he's secretly trying to say goodbye.
Annie: Again, why the fuck are they together? There is no real passion here, unless you count the passion for murdering her, so what the fuck.
Annie: Again, why the fuck are they together? There is no real passion here, unless you count the passion for murdering her, so what the fuck.
This episode, a random favorite of mine, opens at a run down vacant motel in Indiana. A sheriff looking fella walks inside and starts looking around. We see that the name of the hotel is the Elysium Fields and the Greek Mythology nerd inside of me has a field (har har) day. We also see a flower pot bloom into life. The flowers look vaguely lotus-y if you put your imagination to it. There's lots of noises and camera angles to indicate that this motel is not quite as abandoned as it appears. Sure enough, the sheriff guy turns around to find an immaculate looking bellhop standing there. He tries to tell the bellhop that he isn't allowed to be here, but Bellhop just rambles about how he has to get everything ready because they are all coming. He then tells the sherif cop guy that he's dinner and murders the fuck out of him.
We open at a cemetery where it's storming and hands start reaching out of the graves. Soon, a guy crawls all of the way out.
Kirsti: It was very Buffy-esque, to be honest, and I still can't decide if it was intentional or not.
Samantha: Head cannon that it was intentional.
A man is watching an animal documentary and drinking a beer. There's some scare fake outs and then zombie guy is in the house. He kills beer guy.
BLOOOOOOOOOD.
Kirsti: It was very Buffy-esque, to be honest, and I still can't decide if it was intentional or not.
Samantha: Head cannon that it was intentional.
A man is watching an animal documentary and drinking a beer. There's some scare fake outs and then zombie guy is in the house. He kills beer guy.
BLOOOOOOOOOD.
We open with a woman on the couch reading one of those trashy magazines that declares the Apocolypse here. A man comes in the front door and she greets him but he just runs straight upstairs. He heads into the bathroom all sweaty and panicked. He looks into the mirror as his skin begins to wrinkle and his hair falls out. He turns into an old old man and collapses into a cabinet. (K: It's very...Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)
We open at a Motel of the Week where Sam is sleeping all by his lonesome. And shirtless. Which I only point out because it’s super rare for the guys to be shirtless on this show. I think I remember reading somewhere once that J2 specifically asked for that to be the case. So I always find it interesting when it does happen. Anyway, yeah, Sam is sleeping and I swear he looks broody and troubled even in his sleep. Nothing is safe from manpain.
LOOK AT ME! I'm recapping an episode of Supernatural!
...which probably explains why this is all late because I'm messing up Kirsti's timeliness completely. Sorry I'm the worst!
Kirsti: Who cares about timeliness when it means I GET AN EPISODE OFF WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Mari: Oh, okay. I feel better!
Carry on my wayward son! I've been around these parts long enough to know that this song means we've reached finale time. There is a round of extended, season-long previouslies that ends with Sam walking out on Dean.
...which probably explains why this is all late because I'm messing up Kirsti's timeliness completely. Sorry I'm the worst!
Kirsti: Who cares about timeliness when it means I GET AN EPISODE OFF WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Mari: Oh, okay. I feel better!
Carry on my wayward son! I've been around these parts long enough to know that this song means we've reached finale time. There is a round of extended, season-long previouslies that ends with Sam walking out on Dean.
We open with Dean sitting on the end of the world's smallest dock. He's fishing, and he looks peaceful and happy for the first time in EVER.
Castiel appears behind him and says they need to talk. Dean's all "Noooooo, get out of my happy place", and asks if he's dreaming. Cas confirms that he is, and says they need to talk somewhere private. Dean's confused because they're in his head. Cas is all "Yeah, people could be listening". He hands Dean a piece of paper, tells him to meet him there ASAP, and disappears. Dean wakes with a start.
Castiel appears behind him and says they need to talk. Dean's all "Noooooo, get out of my happy place", and asks if he's dreaming. Cas confirms that he is, and says they need to talk somewhere private. Dean's confused because they're in his head. Cas is all "Yeah, people could be listening". He hands Dean a piece of paper, tells him to meet him there ASAP, and disappears. Dean wakes with a start.