Veronica stares broodily at her shitty school holiday-themed dessert. Duncan sits down excitedly, but Veronica's got no time for happy and cuts right to the "Your comatose girlfriend is pregnant" chase. Duncan confesses that he found this out from reading Meg's letter, and Veronica's upset that Duncan didn't tell her. Dick arrives to break the tension by inviting them to a big holiday party, which Duncan can't attend. Dick also nonchalantly exposits that Meg woke up. (L: God bless Ryan Hansen for trying to make this exposition work.) Once Dick leaves, Veronica gets into PI mode, pulling out her VISITOR pass from the last episode, assuring Duncan that she can get them in to see the no-longer-comatose Meg.
Democracy Diva: And her superhero vampire slayer fetus that can survive explosions and bus crashes and comas.
Red Lodge, Montana. A terrified girl runs through the woods at night, a man chasing her. She hides behind a tree, and the man runs past her. Or so she thinks. She peeks out from behind the tree, and he chops off her head.
FLAME ON!
After the Not!Credits, we're treated to the delightful strains of AC/DC's Back In Black as the newly remodelled Bromobile rolls down the road. There's like 30 seconds straight of car close-ups just so we can marvel at how shiny it is.
FLAME ON!
After the Not!Credits, we're treated to the delightful strains of AC/DC's Back In Black as the newly remodelled Bromobile rolls down the road. There's like 30 seconds straight of car close-ups just so we can marvel at how shiny it is.
Friends, Snark Ladies, Traumateers, lend me your ears. Or failing that, a one-off spot on your blog. Hello, or something. (L: HI.)
We start episode fifteen with some slightly obnoxious-sounding early-noughties jingly rock-pop, in the kitchen of what is rapidly becoming the Cohen Family Rehabilitation Centre for Strays and Fuck-Ups (seriously, does this family have to fix everyone?) (L: Yes, because Plot. I'm waiting for an adorable dog to show up.) (S: THAT WOULD BE THE BEST.) Hailey is sitting at the table with her earbuds in, trying as hard as she can to look like a moody teenager, and Sandy walks in only to look like someone kicked his puppy when he sees she’s nicked his bagels.
We start episode fifteen with some slightly obnoxious-sounding early-noughties jingly rock-pop, in the kitchen of what is rapidly becoming the Cohen Family Rehabilitation Centre for Strays and Fuck-Ups (seriously, does this family have to fix everyone?) (L: Yes, because Plot. I'm waiting for an adorable dog to show up.) (S: THAT WOULD BE THE BEST.) Hailey is sitting at the table with her earbuds in, trying as hard as she can to look like a moody teenager, and Sandy walks in only to look like someone kicked his puppy when he sees she’s nicked his bagels.
This episode begins with Alison. She wakes up next to her sleeping, snoring husband, and goes to check her poorly hidden camera. She takes it down to her laundry room of solace to watch the tape. She sees Donnie get up in the middle of the night, but all he does is stand over her and leave before the memory card file fills up.
She comes up to the kitchen to find Donnie grumbling like an asshole about how he has to do everything (LOL, K) as he loads the dishwasher. He sasses her about getting ice because they only have three hours to go until something. Alison asks him where he went in the middle of the night - claiming she woke up to find him gone -
She comes up to the kitchen to find Donnie grumbling like an asshole about how he has to do everything (LOL, K) as he loads the dishwasher. He sasses her about getting ice because they only have three hours to go until something. Alison asks him where he went in the middle of the night - claiming she woke up to find him gone -
The camera pans across a bunch of fancy cars and one fancy motorbike. Fred's voice from offscreen tells us that Angel's idea for a picnic was excellent. But her tone changes to one of relief as she finishes scanning Wesley for bugs and declares them all to be free from listening devices. Gunn says it's weird to be acting this way, but Angel assures them that it's necessary as there are tons of employees who want them dead. Man, that's a fun company they've taken over! Fred defends their new coworkers, and Wes snaps that maybe Whedon Hat Trick isn't as trustworthy as she thinks. Fred gives him major side-eye while saying that she knows WHT isn't evil.
Sweeney: Jealousy is an ugly look on everyone. I fear it's going to be worn a bit too much this season.
Sweeney: Jealousy is an ugly look on everyone. I fear it's going to be worn a bit too much this season.
Piper Mom is teaching some plot relevant lessons that allow the zoomy cameraman to capture "A" and "insane" on the blackboard. She talks about how desperate actions seemed necessary but were actually stupid. The girls are too busy staring off into space and thinking about how this applies to them being near or around a shovel to take notes, which displeases Piper Mom. But also fuck her. Emily opens her purse to find a creepy necklace made of teeth and letters spelling out, "DEAD GIRLS CAN'T SMILE" and runs to the bathroom, and the other girls also see themselves out in the middle of class because Piper Mom is a sham of an adult whose authority is respected by no one.
Sara: Interrupting just to say that Aria's dress is on point.
Sara: Interrupting just to say that Aria's dress is on point.
Xander is cleaning up the broken glass, lamenting that he's trapped in a "loop" in which he replaces the Chez Summers windows for all of eternity. (K: This is hilarious because he spends most of the rest of season 7 repairing those fucking windows.) This joke acknowledging the recurring destruction of the Summers home is obviously fantastic, but the word "loop" makes me twitch because I'm trying to learn actual code so that I can fix all the things that keep breaking on this website, but failing because it all looks unsettlingly like math. I feel you, Xander. I sometimes wonder if Snark Squad database errors are going to be ruining my life forever, too.
Lorraine: I really hope it isn't rage ninjas breaking our website.
Lorraine: I really hope it isn't rage ninjas breaking our website.
This is my second episode this season and it is again an episode a few of you have claimed to love. We know how well that worked out for me and Beneath You. Here's hoping I can love this one. The previouslies are Anya heavy, which is a good sign.
Sweeney: No pressure or anything, Anya, but our happiness for the week rests on you.
Lor: We open at Chez Summers, where Dawn is helping Willow arrange some things while giving her advice that consists of, "do what everyone else does," "nod and smile," and generally, "fake it 'till you make it." "Do what everyone else does," seems like a good way to get dead in Sunnydale, even if we are just talking about Willow going back to college.
Sweeney: No pressure or anything, Anya, but our happiness for the week rests on you.
Lor: We open at Chez Summers, where Dawn is helping Willow arrange some things while giving her advice that consists of, "do what everyone else does," "nod and smile," and generally, "fake it 'till you make it." "Do what everyone else does," seems like a good way to get dead in Sunnydale, even if we are just talking about Willow going back to college.
We open at the Hyperion, where Wes is asleep on his desk. Gunn and Fred walk in, and Gunn gets things off to an early start by saying, "You gotta admire the loyalty." I don't think we've ever given away a gold star in the first line of an episode!
ANYWAY. Gunn's speech about how admirable Wes' dedication is takes a turn down "Wes needs a life" lane. Fred wonders aloud if Wes has found anything new about Connor, and starts to move the pages. This wakes Wes, and he gets a little panicky on account of that page that says "The father will kill the son." He asks what time it is, and that's Angel's cue to enter with Connor. Wes scrambles to pack up his papers before Angel asks if they want to see something cool - he's teaching Connor how to die.
ANYWAY. Gunn's speech about how admirable Wes' dedication is takes a turn down "Wes needs a life" lane. Fred wonders aloud if Wes has found anything new about Connor, and starts to move the pages. This wakes Wes, and he gets a little panicky on account of that page that says "The father will kill the son." He asks what time it is, and that's Angel's cue to enter with Connor. Wes scrambles to pack up his papers before Angel asks if they want to see something cool - he's teaching Connor how to die.
This story begins with a dewy Instagram filter as Alison narrates a ghost story about twin little girls. Hanna cuts her off, telling her that she's going to traumatize this child and cause her to get fired. LOL, Hanna, you're a thousand times more responsible than any adult in Rosewood, so don't worry about it. The kid nods for Ali to continue. One twin murders the other and Ali's narration voice gets extra #creepyasshit and the story culminates with her stabbing the Jack-O-Lantern, because Ali was batshit crazy.
Lorraine: The thing that bothered me the most about this creepy story was the way those two girls were playing with their Barbies, just shaking them around. That's when I knew they were evil.
Lorraine: The thing that bothered me the most about this creepy story was the way those two girls were playing with their Barbies, just shaking them around. That's when I knew they were evil.
We start with a tight shot of Cordelia's face. She's giving a heart-felt, "thank you for being there for me" speech that makes her a little teary. She ends with, "to all my fans- this is for you!" as the shot widens and we see she's holding up a scrub brush and wearing rubber gloves. Fred gives her an equally gloved round of applause, saying the speech gave her "chill bumps." I've never heard them called chill bumps. Is that a thing?
Kirsti: Only in Fred-land.
Lor: Just checking.
Kirsti: Only in Fred-land.
Lor: Just checking.
The number gods are getting me back for that one time when I got an episode free of Pedzarafitz by starting this one off with Ezria in bed, getting their pedophilia on. The alarm goes off and Ezra rolls over to turn it off and when he rolls back it's New Jason. Aria wakes up. Too late, because I can't unsee that.
Lorraine: OKAY, RIGHT? I had an acutal, physical gag when I realized that was Ezria in a state of undress.
Sweeney: I'm glad I wasn't alone in that.
Lorraine: OKAY, RIGHT? I had an acutal, physical gag when I realized that was Ezria in a state of undress.
Sweeney: I'm glad I wasn't alone in that.
This is your semi-regular reminder that at least one of these four girls should now have been driven to full-blown insanity with the stress of an ever-changing cadre of blackmailers, murderers, and murders in their lives. The fact that 4/4 are still fully-functional human beings strikes me as implausible at best. Henceforth, I choose to view the story as all being some sort of vivid dream on the part of an institutionalized PLL. It makes the implausibility factor of all other events easier to handle too! You may all begin voting on which PLL's brain my headcanon should be attributed to.
The nervous-break-induced story continues in Emily's bedroom, where the PLLs are folding flyers for a fashion show because that is EVEN BETTER than another effing dance.
The nervous-break-induced story continues in Emily's bedroom, where the PLLs are folding flyers for a fashion show because that is EVEN BETTER than another effing dance.
Ana is in total shock because apparently, if you are having sex, YOU CAN GET PREGNANT. Ana thinks about how much she doesn't want a baby and how she knows her husband is going to freak.
Dr. Best in Seattle says, "judging by your reaction, I suspect you're just a couple of weeks or so from conception-- four or five weeks pregnant." UM. WHAT? RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN. Because she was shocked, your super doctor skillz tell you she's four or five weeks pregnant? Shock is a measure of such things? Clearly, Dr. Best doesn't watch any TV.
Dr. Best in Seattle says, "judging by your reaction, I suspect you're just a couple of weeks or so from conception-- four or five weeks pregnant." UM. WHAT? RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN. Because she was shocked, your super doctor skillz tell you she's four or five weeks pregnant? Shock is a measure of such things? Clearly, Dr. Best doesn't watch any TV.
It's finale time, kids! Can we all just stop and marvel at how this season seemed to last about five minutes while season 4 dragged on for a freaking millennium? Also, we've now made it through a whopping ONE HUNDRED episodes of Buffy. I feel like that warrants celebration.
Lorraine: I'm really feeling all nostalgic over Buffy. I know we have two full seasons to go, but it's just that much more over. I'm sorry. I'm clouding our celebration with my attachment-to-TV feels. Here. Have a happy dance gif:
Sweeney: I'm glad it's also a well dressed happy dance gif. This is a big event and we must dress accordingly.
Lorraine: I'm really feeling all nostalgic over Buffy. I know we have two full seasons to go, but it's just that much more over. I'm sorry. I'm clouding our celebration with my attachment-to-TV feels. Here. Have a happy dance gif:
Sweeney: I'm glad it's also a well dressed happy dance gif. This is a big event and we must dress accordingly.