First of all, you should know that I'm writing this while watching The Oscars, so I think you should all play your very own Snark Squad Drinking Game of, "Spot the recap's many inaccuracies." It'll be fun. I promise. Maybe.
Kirsti: It won't be fun at all, because Kirsti The Eternally Anal Retentive will have fixed them all. But sure. Fun.
Lorraine: Well, that ruins the game before it started. Okay, guys. I guess you should now all be playing, "drink whenever you spot a place where an inaccuracy may have been!" HAPPY DRINKING.
Construction Zone. Some construction guys are building new, ritzy houses in a classy subdivision. Beardy Construction Guy complains about mosquitoes right as another guy falls through a weird hole and breaks his ankle. As Beardy Construction Guy runs to get a rope to pull him out, the guy in the hole gets COVERED in bugs, and this is like the third Supernatural recap I've gotten that involves something that legitimately terrifies me. UGH. By the time Beardy Construction Guy gets back, the guy in the hole is laying at the bottom (with no bugs on him) and bleeding from the eyes, nose, and ears.
Kirsti: Hello, nightmare.
Kirsti: Hello, nightmare.
We open to a deserted Los Angeles and the zoomy cameraman zooming all over the place. He zooms in on the city, then individual buildings, then pans underground and zooms some more in the sewer tunnels. The battle continues between the Fang Gang and the soldiers. Connor throws Wes across the room into a wall, and demands to know where Angel is. Segue Magic to the alterna-world. The creature close in on Angel, then cower away when he holds up the magic glow ball. He looks up to see a path leading to a temple-y looking thing and THIS WHOLE SCENE IS SO BADLY BLUE SCREENED THAT I JUST CAN'T EVEN. Thankfully, we're thrown to the Electric Cellos.
Lorraine: But why does the blue orb keep the Clickety Demons away? WHY?
Lorraine: But why does the blue orb keep the Clickety Demons away? WHY?
St. Louis, MO. We open this episode with a girl tied to a chair and covered in blood. A man is in the room with her, holding a knife. Cops enter the house and follow the blood stains to find the girl still alive. As they untie her, the girl motions to the room behind them and the cops find the guy standing at the door, with the bloody knife still in his hand. They instruct him to turn around, and when he does, it's Dean.
Kirsti: The entire thing is done to the strains of Iron Butterfly's In-a-Gadda-da-Vida, which would probably be a lot spookier if it didn't immediately conjure up memories of Bart Simpson selling his soul to Milhouse for $5...
Kirsti: The entire thing is done to the strains of Iron Butterfly's In-a-Gadda-da-Vida, which would probably be a lot spookier if it didn't immediately conjure up memories of Bart Simpson selling his soul to Milhouse for $5...
We begin in a ridiculously fancy-shmancy driveway. I start to worry that everything on this show will make me think about Marissa Cooper, because all I can see is the sun setting behind her dead-eyed, expressionless face. Anyway, the driveway belongs to Logan, and he's yelling at some tourists who are trying to catch a glimpse of his apparently super-famous dad. #richpeopleproblems
At Neptune High, Duncan and Jake Kane are being boring. Dad wants son to run for student council; son has no fucks to give. Jake mentions a "Reign of Kane" and I laugh forever because he's the worst.
At Neptune High, Duncan and Jake Kane are being boring. Dad wants son to run for student council; son has no fucks to give. Jake mentions a "Reign of Kane" and I laugh forever because he's the worst.
We open at an airport where some guy is looking super anxious. He heads to the bathroom and is splashing water on his face, and a random other guy says not to worry because your odds of dying in a plane crash are 20,000 to 1. YEAH, NOT WHAT I WANNA HEAR, MAN. Let me just go ahead and tell you that flying is my absolute biggest fear and the majority of my nightmares center around plane crashes, so I'm pretty sure this episode is going to ruin me.
Kirsti: I'm not afraid of flying on account of I've been doing it on the regular since I was like nine months old (also because I live in Australia and it's really fucking time consuming to get ANYWHERE if you don't fly), but bathroom guy is a total asshat for listing that hugely unhelpful statistic.
Kirsti: I'm not afraid of flying on account of I've been doing it on the regular since I was like nine months old (also because I live in Australia and it's really fucking time consuming to get ANYWHERE if you don't fly), but bathroom guy is a total asshat for listing that hugely unhelpful statistic.
After the previouslies make me reach for the brain bleach again, we're in Angel's room where he's sketching The Beast. (Welcome back, Angel/art OTP!) Lorne walks in with a glass of blood and Angel basically tells him to get out. Lorne says that he's done with the game playing, and Angel's all "What game playing?" Lorne adopts a moody teenager voice to say "Don't interrupt me, I'm brooding," which is quite possibly the greatest thing to ever happen in this show.
Angel claims to be researching rather than brooding, but Lorne's not buying it because everyone else is researching downstairs as a team, not alone in their mopeyness. Angel says that he works better alone, and Lorne retorts that it's not all about him and that champions (SHOTS!!) don't get to take personal days.
Angel claims to be researching rather than brooding, but Lorne's not buying it because everyone else is researching downstairs as a team, not alone in their mopeyness. Angel says that he works better alone, and Lorne retorts that it's not all about him and that champions (SHOTS!!) don't get to take personal days.
It's nearly finale time, folks, so maybe something will happen this episode! We're dreaming big.
Sweeney: We Snark Ladies dream impossible dreams. Remember all the times we hoped we'd seen the worst of Fifty Shades and then, you know, read more chapters? Good times.
Lor: Indeed. And proof that we're fucking optimists. Clearly.
Spencer is sleeping on the couch and she wakes to some pretty inconsiderate rustling. Turns out it's Alison, which I should've known because that bitch would be making tons of noise while others were trying to sleep.
Sweeney: We Snark Ladies dream impossible dreams. Remember all the times we hoped we'd seen the worst of Fifty Shades and then, you know, read more chapters? Good times.
Lor: Indeed. And proof that we're fucking optimists. Clearly.
Spencer is sleeping on the couch and she wakes to some pretty inconsiderate rustling. Turns out it's Alison, which I should've known because that bitch would be making tons of noise while others were trying to sleep.
What's that? You've been wanting us to cover Supernatural? You ask, we deliver. This one's going to be a little different, because Sweeney is firmly on the Nope Train as far as Supernatural is concerned, and Lor's got enough on her plate. So y'all are stuck with Sara and me instead. SORRY NOT SORRY.
Sara: SO NOT SORRY BECAUSE: CUTE BOYS AND MONSTERS.
K: Truth. I've been a salt gunner from day one, although I must admit that I took a little break somewhere around season 6 when things got really shitty. But I marathonned my way through season 6, season 7 and season 8 earlier this year, and was firmly back on board in time for season 9.
Sara: SO NOT SORRY BECAUSE: CUTE BOYS AND MONSTERS.
K: Truth. I've been a salt gunner from day one, although I must admit that I took a little break somewhere around season 6 when things got really shitty. But I marathonned my way through season 6, season 7 and season 8 earlier this year, and was firmly back on board in time for season 9.
Do you have any idea how many times my fingers inadvertently wrote "Benedict Cumberbatch" while trying to write the name of this episode? (It was two. Which was still two too many, really.)
ANYWAY. We start in the lobby of the Hyperion, immediately after the end of the last episode. Fred says that Angel's still not answering his phone, and the Fang Gang debate whether they should go out looking for him. They're saved the trouble though when Angel walks in the door, limping on account of all the bullet wounds. The gang help him to a chair, and ask if Connor's responsible for his injuries. He informs them that Connor's name is Steven now, and that no, he wasn't responsible for the injuries. Fred asks where he is, and Angel's all "*shrug* He'll find me if he needs me." The gang are all "Um, wow. Way to parent," but Angel is familiar with the ways of Traumaland and knows that neglect is the best medicine.
ANYWAY. We start in the lobby of the Hyperion, immediately after the end of the last episode. Fred says that Angel's still not answering his phone, and the Fang Gang debate whether they should go out looking for him. They're saved the trouble though when Angel walks in the door, limping on account of all the bullet wounds. The gang help him to a chair, and ask if Connor's responsible for his injuries. He informs them that Connor's name is Steven now, and that no, he wasn't responsible for the injuries. Fred asks where he is, and Angel's all "*shrug* He'll find me if he needs me." The gang are all "Um, wow. Way to parent," but Angel is familiar with the ways of Traumaland and knows that neglect is the best medicine.
The episode begins with Willow telling Buffy how hideous something looks while lightning crackles. It's just their bridesmaids dresses that they're discussing. Willow is actually Best Man, though, which earns her some bonus terrible sleeve. Actually, it's sort of a nice analogy for the way bridesmaids dresses work -- your stupid dress highlights the special snowflake that is the bride. It figures, then, that the show's eponymous character would have the less stupid of the two dresses. Willow's thinking the traditional blood larva and burlap sounds less bad. No, Willow, it definitely doesn't.
Kirsti: Oh God, the dresses. They're SO AWFUL. Also, I've always thought that the tradition was "blood lava" because in non-US English, larva and lava are pronounced the same. I can't decide if it makes less sense or more sense now.
Kirsti: Oh God, the dresses. They're SO AWFUL. Also, I've always thought that the tradition was "blood lava" because in non-US English, larva and lava are pronounced the same. I can't decide if it makes less sense or more sense now.
We kick this episode off in the middle of the night with quiet (for real this time!) as Emily and Hanna are sleeping in Hanna's room. Emily checks a text on her phone and then gets out of bed and heads out. Apparently she isn't trying to be too sneaky, because her tires squeal as she takes off.
The next morning, Hanna has gathered the other Liars so they can figure out what's going on with Em. Spencer says that she probably jumped in her car and drove until she reached Texas. Which sounds like a fantastic idea, because A LEGIT TRIED TO KILL YOU, GIRL.
The next morning, Hanna has gathered the other Liars so they can figure out what's going on with Em. Spencer says that she probably jumped in her car and drove until she reached Texas. Which sounds like a fantastic idea, because A LEGIT TRIED TO KILL YOU, GIRL.
This episode begins with, you guessed it, the girls recapping the last few minutes of the last episode. Spencer managed to get away from Officer Garrett by telling him she had to get home. Well, that was anti-climatic. Hanna suggests that maybe Blind Jenna didn't give Garrett the pottery candle thing, but Spencer thinks that's unlikely. "What do you think, he bought it at the Blind Artists Craft Fair? Of course she gave it to him!"
It turns out that the girls are parked outside of Emily's house, because the people leasing the place don't know how to work the alarm system and it keeps getting set off. This seems like completely pointless information, which probably means it will be important later.
It turns out that the girls are parked outside of Emily's house, because the people leasing the place don't know how to work the alarm system and it keeps getting set off. This seems like completely pointless information, which probably means it will be important later.
This is your semi-regular reminder that at least one of these four girls should now have been driven to full-blown insanity with the stress of an ever-changing cadre of blackmailers, murderers, and murders in their lives. The fact that 4/4 are still fully-functional human beings strikes me as implausible at best. Henceforth, I choose to view the story as all being some sort of vivid dream on the part of an institutionalized PLL. It makes the implausibility factor of all other events easier to handle too! You may all begin voting on which PLL's brain my headcanon should be attributed to.
The nervous-break-induced story continues in Emily's bedroom, where the PLLs are folding flyers for a fashion show because that is EVEN BETTER than another effing dance.
The nervous-break-induced story continues in Emily's bedroom, where the PLLs are folding flyers for a fashion show because that is EVEN BETTER than another effing dance.
In a nutshell: Things are changing for Cath and very quickly. She's spent her whole life holding the hand of her twin sister Wren, but now they are starting college, and Wren doesn't even want to be her roommate. Wren has also abandoned their long time joint hobby of writing Simon Snow fanfiction. Cath is completely out of her element, but still, she's got to learn to navigate her new life, which includes a brutally honest roommate and her always cheery boyfriend, a Fiction Writing class where fanfiction is not welcome, a twin sister who keeps drifting away and the father they left behind, who she can't quit worrying about.
Plus, she's determined to finish her latest fanfiction story before the final book in the series is released.
Plus, she's determined to finish her latest fanfiction story before the final book in the series is released.