After a recap of what happened last time, we jump straight into the credits. Farewell, Russell T Davies era credits and title screen. I love you forever. (M: I'm glad the farewell tour is starting so early!)
DOO WEE OOO!
Tessa wakes up and right away notices that Steph is "snoring unattractively." God. I just do not like you, Tessabelle. Let people sleep without your judgment clouding their auras or whatever.
She wonders how they're going to get back to the dorms and heads out into the hallway looking for Nate. She realizes that she doesn't even know if Nate is part of the frat, and yeah, that's what happens when you spend more time judging on people than actually talking to them.
She wonders how they're going to get back to the dorms and heads out into the hallway looking for Nate. She realizes that she doesn't even know if Nate is part of the frat, and yeah, that's what happens when you spend more time judging on people than actually talking to them.
I honestly kept forgetting to write this recap. I've never been so proud of my brain.
Anyway.
"Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick."
Can I just start using "music to me [body part]" in real life now?
We start this chapter right in the middle of a goddamn conversation because EL James is the worst. If you'll recall, Ana wanted to talk about Grey's messed up childhood and he was like, "no. Vagina balls."
Anyway.
"Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick."
Can I just start using "music to me [body part]" in real life now?
We start this chapter right in the middle of a goddamn conversation because EL James is the worst. If you'll recall, Ana wanted to talk about Grey's messed up childhood and he was like, "no. Vagina balls."
Hi, welcome back. Have a drink if you are playing along at home because Christian Grey just woke up with a start to start the chapter. This fine morning he's experiencing a pervading sense of guilt.
"Is it because I've fucked Anastasia Steele? Virgin?"
I laughed for five solid minutes. Anastasia Steele: VIRGIN.
Grey checks the time so probably you should drink again. It's after three in the morning and Ana is fast asleep. Grey says that his body "stirs" as he watches her and this is my mental image:
"Is it because I've fucked Anastasia Steele? Virgin?"
I laughed for five solid minutes. Anastasia Steele: VIRGIN.
Grey checks the time so probably you should drink again. It's after three in the morning and Ana is fast asleep. Grey says that his body "stirs" as he watches her and this is my mental image:
It's the last fucking chapter and I'm supposed to celebrate, but it's also my last opportunity to make sure you understand that ELJ has the worst chapter transitions ever. (And the worst everything ever, but one step at a time, OK?) The only occasions on which Ana doesn't begin the chapter waking up are those that we begin immediately after the end of the last chapter, in a place where a chapter break makes zero sense. This is of the latter variety.
A consistent feature of both chapter beginnings -- and also all the time always -- is Ana asking a lot of really pointless questions. I spend a lot of time in my own head so I'm not one to judge the idea of a very active inner monologue. But what if my inner monologue consisted only of questions?
A consistent feature of both chapter beginnings -- and also all the time always -- is Ana asking a lot of really pointless questions. I spend a lot of time in my own head so I'm not one to judge the idea of a very active inner monologue. But what if my inner monologue consisted only of questions?
I'm not entirely sure why this is a new chapter. I mean, we always complain about the insanely dumb ways ELJ breaks her writing up, but it usually revolves around some imagined cliffhanger or Ana falling asleep. This isn't even either one of those. We ended last chapter with Grey deciding he liked the nickname "Blip" for his demon spawn, followed by some kissing. We start this chapter STILL KISSING. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CHAPTER BREAK?
Sweeney: This is even worse than her overused love of waking Ana up for chapter beginnings. (Sidebar: that's how I like to think of it. "Wake up, you miserable little puppet! We've got more stupid to get through!")
Sweeney: This is even worse than her overused love of waking Ana up for chapter beginnings. (Sidebar: that's how I like to think of it. "Wake up, you miserable little puppet! We've got more stupid to get through!")
Ana starts us off by confirming that no, she did not know where her husband was born. That's usually the stuff you learn in like week 2 or 3 of dating, right about the time Grey and Ana were signing contracts or, I don't know, getting married.
Grey tells Ana that he and Elliot were both born and adopted in Detroit. The Greys moved to Seattle shortly thereafter. Ana wants to know how Grey knows that Jack was born in Detroit.
Oh, this is a serious question? Girl, you are seriously asking how MF STALKER BOYFRIEND knew where Jack was born? Even Grey is all, “um, duh.” as he shares that he had a background check run on Jack.
Grey tells Ana that he and Elliot were both born and adopted in Detroit. The Greys moved to Seattle shortly thereafter. Ana wants to know how Grey knows that Jack was born in Detroit.
Oh, this is a serious question? Girl, you are seriously asking how MF STALKER BOYFRIEND knew where Jack was born? Even Grey is all, “um, duh.” as he shares that he had a background check run on Jack.
I gloated during my last episode about how I always get the fun credits. I should've learned from Buffy villains and kept the gloating to a minimum: King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Ring of Fire Winterfell, The Wall, and across the Shivering Sea toYunkai.
Jon Snow and his ice-wall-climbing pack of Wildlings are walking along on the green side of the Wall. Which is confusing, because his time spent training at the wall was always very snowy and miserable. Also, there are a lot more Wildlings than I initially thought there were. They only showed us Ginger NotMance (Tormund Giantsbane), Wildling Warg, Ygritte and Jon. But, okay. There's a whole pack of them.
Jon Snow and his ice-wall-climbing pack of Wildlings are walking along on the green side of the Wall. Which is confusing, because his time spent training at the wall was always very snowy and miserable. Also, there are a lot more Wildlings than I initially thought there were. They only showed us Ginger NotMance (Tormund Giantsbane), Wildling Warg, Ygritte and Jon. But, okay. There's a whole pack of them.
Someone mentioned in a comment how illogical these chapter-to-chapter not-cliffhangers are in this book, because it's not like someone reading this book is going to wait in suspense for days. I'm only bringing it up now because I'm about 99% certain that this "writing" choice is most likely the product of the fact that this was originally Twilight fanfiction, where readers did have to wait for her next abysmal installment. Consider this your semi-regular reminder of that fact and also that the world is unfair.
My personal headcanon of Ana's shock and horror upon looking in the mirror was an existential crisis of sorts, in which she realized what a tragedy it was that she exists. Or fictionally exists. The actual reason? Hickeys.
My personal headcanon of Ana's shock and horror upon looking in the mirror was an existential crisis of sorts, in which she realized what a tragedy it was that she exists. Or fictionally exists. The actual reason? Hickeys.
Lorraine: Ana is horrified because, if you'll remember, Kate has chosen Grey's birthday party as the moment to confront Ana about an email she found. Kate's all, "what the fuck is this? Who in the hell changes the subject line each time they send an email?!?!" Just kidding! There are far more horrible things in this particular email, as it contains the Sexy Times Contract. I'm sure we will now get a good discussion that will pave the way for future conversations between Ana and Kate on the disturbing nature of this relationship. Just kidding again! I'm on a roll! Instead, let's watch and see how this is all resolved within two pages:
Previously: Traumaland learned that a “cat” is a type of whip, and we all got a shared Questionable Google Search of the Day. Grey revealed his big not-secret that he...